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Original poster

Husband secretely takes day off

526 replies

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:13

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

OP posts:
pictish · 28/01/2012 00:08

YOU might runningwilde - maybe the Op wouldn't. Maybe she'd immediately think of several things he could do on his day off, and then expect them done.

Maybe AF is right and there is an edge of inequality to their marriage.

Point is - none of us know. I can only see it from the viewpoint of my own marriage...and I know that if I knew my husband was in the house all day, I would probably expect him to do chores.

If MY husband didn't let on...I would take it as a sign that he really really felt the need for an unmolested day of fuck all, and I would immediately let it slide.
That is because it would be highly unusual for him to do something like take a secret day off.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/01/2012 00:09

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep - you are a SAHM, every day is a day off.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/01/2012 00:13

Each to their own I suppose - but there's no way I could be in a relationship where I couldn't say 'I'm taking Friday off work and I don't intend to move a muscle' or have my partner do/say the same. If they did what the OP's partner did, we would be having a Big Discussion about why the need to lie to me because deceit is a deal breaker.

(Alternatively, I wouldn't take a 'Me' day off if it meant paying for an additional days childcare in the holidays that we absolutely could not afford.)

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 28/01/2012 00:15

I really need to go to bed now... so Boulevard - I just have to say.... I was JOKING Grin

DoingHouseworkHonest · 28/01/2012 00:31

Not read all the replies, sorry. Just wanted to say I don't think it's weird that he's DONE it, but I do think it weird that he hasn't told you.

Sockrates · 28/01/2012 01:41

So what if she thinks of things that need doing, Pictish? He could just say no.

iscream · 28/01/2012 02:13

Mental Health day. Sounds like he needed one. I would be taken aback if my dh didn't tell me, but then I'd be looking at the mechanics of our relationship to see if there was a reason he didn't tell me. I would be upset like you are, at the secrecy, as I feel we are open with each other. People don't act sneaky for no reason, the import thing is the reason he felt he couldn't tell you.

The post office thing, exploding was probably an indicator of him under a lot of stress. I mean normally he doesn't have a short temper right?
Sometimes I may ask my dh "since you are out could you please ..." to which he has replied, he was only planning on a quick trip, wants to be back for the game...or something along that line. No explosion. Your dh shouldn't be afraid to speak up, and shouldn't keep things inside, not healthy for either of you.

Hope you two have a good, and open discussion and not a big argument.

startail · 28/01/2012 02:21

My DH forgets to mention things like this occasionally. Head in computer land.
No malice intended, but very irritating.

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 05:28

Wow people have extraordinary ideas about their "rights" and "entitlements".

FFS grown ups who think "everyone" is entitled to days off to do whatever they want? :o

Um, maybe better check the definition of grown up in the dictionary.

Pro-tip: lying so you can take time for yourself at someone else's expense is pretty adolescent, and thinking it is a "right" is laughable

When you have a baby and a toddler and two people working, life is hard FOR BOTH OF YOU

Dumping extra work on your wife so you can indulge yourself like a teenager is horrible, but depressingly common.

I would never lie to DH about time off work, we pool what little there is to make both our lives as easy as we can make them while our kids are small.

I'm so glad I'm not married to a casual liar, someone who thinks he's got a legal right to slack off while I unknowingly soldier on, or (worst of all) someone with so little integrity that they lie for a quiet life.

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 05:32

I also love that if someone lies to you, it's your fault and you have to interrogate yourself to work out why they did it.

:o

As is clear from this thread, plenty of people lie because they are basically dishonest and selfish.

No need to be blaming anyone else for that particularly attractive character flaw.

Foxinsocks · 28/01/2012 06:27

The main thing for me is that he re arranged the delivery. So when you came home from work, surely you would have seen said item and he would have had to tell you then that he had stayed at home.

Surely if he was being truly secretive he wouldn't have done that?

Devendra · 28/01/2012 07:36

I have not read all the replies... but he is an adult and he can do what he wants! So he took a sneaky day to himself??? Really is it so bad?

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 07:52

Since when is being an adult about doing what you want?

I thought it was about being able to accept responsibilities, no?

Now that DH and I have joint responsibility for 2 small children, neither of us gets to do whatever we want without checking with the other that they can cover us.

Our days of annual leave are precious, we need them for stuff like family holidays and childcare. If DH took a day without telling me, I'd be able to tell anyway.

I mean, I can count up to 30 without too much trouble.

Dustinthewind · 28/01/2012 08:03

What he did makes sense to me, as it would if you had done it OP.
I couldn't survive in a marriage like yours, one of you felt the pressure was just too much to cope with for 24 hours and took what we calla duvet day here. Just stepped out for a little and let the world turn without him for a bit.
Why didn't he tell you?
Look at the fuss.
Extra stress.
Extra talking and explaining and all the rest.
I can't take a random day off, but I do disappear for the occasional day and always have, OH uses his odd days to be in the shed without interruptions.
30 years together and we still do it, that suits us.
No fury and rage and affairs and job losses. Just a recognition that we handle stress in our own way and that it is better to have a breather than break.
Good luck with your marriage, I think you need to talk without yelling and blaming about how you both feel.

mellymooks · 28/01/2012 08:51

The thing is that with two little kids (6 months, 19 months) and two full time jobs there isn't really much time to do bugger all.

Maybe that's why he felt he needed a day off, out of the loop. We all do. I think women find it harder to take it than men though, we see a spare moment as a chance to get something else done.
If I put the kettle on, I will unload the dishwasher whilst it's boiling. If DP puts the kettle on he will stare out of the window until it's boiled. There is no malice, it's just a different approach.

I went home "sick" from work once and on the drive back thought why am I going home? I drove around through the countryside for hours, found a gorgeous cafe and had lunch and sat and stared out the window for a few more hours, I never told a soul. But I really needed that time, a moment to just be in my crazy manic life.

Maybe that was all it was, he just needed to stop and be? Life can be very overwhelming sometimes, you should take a day too!!

PosieParker · 28/01/2012 08:54

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs Sat 28-Jan-12 00:09:16
BoulevardOfBrokenSleep - you are a SAHM, every day is a day off.

What a load of shit.....

mellymooks · 28/01/2012 08:54

totally agree dustinthewind

PocPoc · 28/01/2012 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosieParker · 28/01/2012 08:57

Wow....

This thread is crazy. If most people took a day off work in a house where there are small children most people would have something to do that benefitted the whole family.

AThingInYourLife · 28/01/2012 08:58

Posie - Chipping was joking.

I do wonder how SAHMs are supposed to avail of their entitlement to fuck off without a by your leave and enjoy some "me" time.

PosieParker · 28/01/2012 08:58

Doing something for yourself and having a day off to do fuck all are quite different things. Perhaps he didn't tell the OP because there sn't time for an able bodied adult to sit and play a games console all day.

rookiemater · 28/01/2012 08:58

Once you have DCs it is impossible to be a free spirit. It is selfish and egotistical to assume your partner will pick up the slack.

It is not however wrong to take time out if it is preagreed by both partners.

PosieParker · 28/01/2012 08:58

[shakes head in shame]

PocPoc · 28/01/2012 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosieParker · 28/01/2012 09:02

Actually a break from the routine is enough to feel like a day off.