Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

YANBU about your DH not telling you, however prehaps he wanted a day by himself without you suggesting that you have the same day off too?

YABU if you don't think he should do this, everyone needs time for themselves and for all you know this could be the fine line between coping and not.

Oh for fucks sake, its pretty clear that if he had told OP about his day off she would have rushed and booked the same day or given him a to-do list as long as his knob.

Theres nothing deceitful about what hes done, he probably just knew what was coming if he told her so didnt want an argument about it.

OP can do exactly the same thing whenever she wants, but the difference is she could probably tell her H and he'd think nothing of it.

Deceitful? Selfish? Just because he wanted a cheeky day off? Really?

'Once you have DCs it is impossible to be a free spirit. It is selfish and egotistical to assume your partner will pick up the slack.'

In this particular instance, what slack?
If she hadn't forgotten the children's bag and had to come back, the OP would never have known.
Why did you forget the bag? Feeling stressed? Perhaps you should take a day off.

'YANBU about your DH not telling you, however prehaps he wanted a day by himself without you suggesting that you have the same day off too?'

Sometimes you just need a day to be without anyone, including a partner.

Agree dust. I do it once a week term time

Its shocking that anyone would do anything other than work/care for dcs. sarcastic

Just told dh I am planning to take a selfish day off (annual leave carried over from last year so has to be used up soon).

His response was sounds like a waste of a day to me and it will never work out because something will come up. I asked if he minds me taking a selfish day he said it was up to me but it still sounds like a waste of a day.

Do I feel better for being honest with him. Actually no. He says it is my day off I should spend it how I please but he is surprised I don't want to spend it catching up with jobs or with dd.

Was looking forward to my naught selfish day, now it just feels like a mundane waste of time.

Its not a selfish day. You have just let your Dh make you fell bad about it. Obviously you should spend it on chores and with DD. mad

I hate being lied to. It makes me wonder about other lies.

Lie?
He just didn't tell her. A sin of omission rather than commission.

Fizzylaces - It is not a full on lie but an omission of the truth. (still devious I know). My dh made it clear he would not mind if I had not told him what I was planning.

He is not my keeper.

^

That is semantics.

Of course the dh would make it clear he wouldn't have a problem if the wife did it. Because he's been caught.

I'm on the 'so what?' side too.

Don't we all do this in little ways such as MNetting for an hour when we've said we're downstairs clearing up the kitchen or not divulging that the stressful and busy meeting at work actually took place in swanky restaurant and the ratio of work to chat was about 20:80?

Equally my dh who works from home might let slip he watched two movies back to back one afternoon at a later date, but didn't tell me at the time

We are all stressed out, busy working parents who love nicking an hour or two to ourselves without any interruptions.

SO WHAT?

Was your husband being sarcastic whenshe... or does he really never take a moment out to relax? I'd find someone who couldn't believe you'd want a day without doing jobs or looking after kids a bit saintly and maybe hard work in real life if he's a bloke who never sits down. Women who never sit down and fuss and busy about constantly are also draining.
If I do have a day off i usually end up doing some jobs. But I definitely don't make myself a list and all jobs are very optional.

Last year I rearranged my working hours so I have a day 'me-time' every week. I told DH after I'd done it!

Out of interest katie - is your DH an only child? I am and tbh the whole having to check things with other people all the time and be doing what they expect of me really gets on my nerves. Obviously if something directly affects DH I talk to him first, but if not, it wouldn't necessarily occur to me and I'd really resent it if he started giving me the Spanish Inquisition (which he does from time to time). I have a whole laptop to myself and DH doesn't know any of my passwords either (although I don't know his and see no need to really).

The point I'm trying to make is that some people need more space/privacy than others - there is not necessarily anything sinister about it.

WhenShe - do not let him spoil it for you. Take some time this morning and think about your day off... how nice it will feel to stay in bed, read a book, go to a cafe for lunch or whatever it is you feel like doing... be in that moment.

If he says it again (it's a waste of a day) simply say 'Yes, you have mentioned that. I don't think it's a waste of a day, my mental health is important to me, so please shut the fuck up let it go now, you've had your say'.

Dust so if your DH has an affair and doesn't tell you - it's OK. It's omission not commission after all.

'Of course the dh would make it clear he wouldn't have a problem if the wife did it. Because he's been caught.'

Or because he truly wouldn't have a problem with her doing the same thing.
Caught? Without ever realising he was wandering into the trap.
Do I give this relationship 30 years? Probably not if this is such a deal-breaker.

'Dust so if your DH has an affair and doesn't tell you - it's OK. It's omission not commission after all'

No, it's betrayal and deceit and breaking his marriage vows and all the rest.
So not OK. To have sex with someone else is a sin of comission. And probably emission too.
But The OP's DH didn't lie, he just took a secret day off. If he left her, he could it whenever he needed to without a problem.

" I'd really resent it if he started giving me the Spanish Inquisition "

But would you be expecting it?

Baadum-shhhh

disco - I know he'd probably ask a few questions, but drop the subject fairly rapidly.

He knows me well enough to let it lie, even if he doesn't entirely understand my need for quite a lot of me time. I rarely quiz him about what he does either - so long as the money's available and the basics housework etc wise are taken care of it's not an issue.

I don't expect him to have to ask my permission for everything he does and I expect him to return the favour.

Bah humbug - puritans, martinets and haterz of menz in full froth.

Dust - I disagree totally, but that's one of the joys in life isn't it, to be allowed to have your own opinion :)