Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

I'm perfectly in tune with the idea of taking a day off and not telling all and sundry. It does avoid you getting lumbered with other peoples kids etc. But deliberately not telling your spouse doesn't sit easily with me.

But even with depression - why is it the wife's job to put her husband's needs, feelings and emotions ABOVE those of her dc? Surely the DC's needs, feelings and emotions have to come first.

Depression can have a terrible effect on children too. I spent YEARS trying to help my Ex-P through his depression, trying to get him to go to the GP (which took 10 YEARS btw), trying to please him, put his feelings first, give him breaks when he needed them, and getting NOTHING in return, no help, no rest, on the go from 6.30am to 2-3am every fucking day. In the end, the selfishness was just too much for me to bear, and I had to start putting the dc first, not him.

It is irrelavent WHAT is causing the selfishness if the selfishness is still there. And there is a limit to what any family can cope with. While my Ex-P's lack of help with the dc and around the house was pushing me to the very edge - what tipped it over was the day he told me he resented the dc. We split up that day. I will NOT have someone in the house permanently, around my dc all the time, if they actively resent being there, because at some point, they become aware of that. And that is very damaging for those dc. Now he only has to see them when HE wants, they get a better deal - a father who WANTS to spend time with them, and doesn't resent them for taking up all his time, because they don't.

Admittedly, it's a fucking bag-o-shite for ME, but at least my dc are happier.

And if it's impossible for YOU to get that time, due to work commitments and childcare and housework that he isn't helping with when he has free time, THEN what?

Sometimes it's not guilt, but necessity that forces people to forgo time to themselves when they have a baby and a toddler and have a man-child husband who thinks of themselves first and foremost, for WHATEVER reason. Why should ONE partner get to lie, sneak around, and take a rest rather than supporting their partner to get things done, so they BOTH can get more down time?

If he had spent that day doing jobs around the house, as no doubt the OP does on her days off, then it would have lightened the load on THOSE days, and maybe then they could BOTH have taken a couple of hours each to rest and recuperate. Instead this selfish cunt took a whole day, to himself, didn't lighten his partners' load AT ALL, actively refuses to help with household tasks (PO thing), and basically said "Screw her, I need a rest".

That isn't a partnership!

I don't think he is expecting her to forgo her needs. The h hasn't said he expects the OP not to have a duvet day herself has he?

Am I the only one thinking there are 2 tango-ing here?

Is being selfish always wrong?

Obviously it would be wrong if someone is selfish all the time, but isn't it actually necessary to be selfish (to put yourself first) occasionally?

No, it isn't necessary to be selfish sometimes.

That's a self-serving "because I'm worth it" consumerist myth.

Of course everyone's needs in a family need to be considered.

But taking it upon yourself to give yourself secret treats at the expense of your spouse and children is pathetic.

And PMSL at the people who claimed lying to your wife (who is obviously a "nag" ) was totally normal everyday behaviour now insisting it is a symptom of depression :o

Leave the poor sod alone. He did nothing wrong. No wonder some blokes string themselves up, if they're married to harridans like some of the posters here.

That's really offensive Percy. I'm sure the spouses of people who've committed suicide will be really happy to hear it was their fault!

I said "if". There can of course be other reasons.

I'd string myself up if I was married to Percy.

Tbh Percy, I've not heard of anyone committing suicide because they are married to people who expect them not to lie and who would want them to do a few chores if they have a day off.

Regarding whether it's okay to be selfish sometimes, I do think that if you have two people in a relationship who just do whatever is good for them personally and who don't consider/care about impact on the other person, I don't think it bodes well for the long term stability of that relationship.

I want to feel that I can depend on my dh to do the right thing by me no matter what, not only so long as it doesn't conflict with what he finds convenient. If I didn't have that, then I might as well not be married.

It is the attitudes displayed here by certain posters that I find shocking.

Some people have responded to the OP in a level-headed, constructive manner without blowing this minor incident all out of proportion.

Others have not. That is all.

It must be very demoralising to live in a relationship where you are considered to be so frail and inept that you can't even be expected to deal with normal adult stuff like having a job and children.

Or indeed to have been socialised to believe that as a man you must be constantly indulged by your wife (like a second Mammy) and that if she has any expectations of you at all that she is a terrible nag, and all your problems are her fault.

It's quite good for the soul to live as a competent, responsible adult in the world who doesn't need to retreat into adolescence to escape reality.

But hang not even the OP has said it was at her expense! the cm might be two minutes from work - so no extra effort. Nor did she say he left all the crappy jobs for when she got home!

but hang on that should say

Well, it is at her expense in the sense that holiday time is limited, so if one person takes an extra day for themselves, then it affects how much is left to cover family holidays and if the dc are ill.

Also, he didn't tell her because she would have expected him to use some of the time doing jobs. If those jobs need doing and he intends to not do any of them during the day, it stands to reason they will still be there when OP gets home.

yes but he may well have done them himself when she got home?

madonnawhore, you are lucky then. You might feel differently if you were married to someone who questioned every tiny thing you did and thought your downtime should be spent doing chores.

My DH will not let me take AL on days when DD is at nursery, despite the fact that this is the only day that I would get a day away from work/housework etc. Therefore I would lie as well - simply to avoid the recriminations and arguments involved if I decided I was taking monday off work. He gets regular days off all to himself (he works shifts and sees no issues with him having 10 hours off on a monday where he does f all) but if I want to do it it's a completely different kettle of fish.

Why would you lie rather than address the serious problems in your marriage?

The thing is if you analyse someone's behaviour on the internet the outcome will come out negative for him/her. I'm sure if my dh posts about me always eating the last slice of bread or waking him at night or my OCD habits i would come across as a selfish mad bitch.
And once my mum was looking after the dcs so i can go to dentist, i thought it will take an hour but i was done in 2 minutes. So i went at sat in a cafe to avoid my mum and dcs instead of going straight home. I didn't call my mum to consult her. In theory i should have since she was looking after my dcs.

Have you never ever done something wrong and cheeky?

But I think this has moved on from "my husband took a secret day off."

The things that got my goat were the weird over the top reactions about doing her a small favour, and saying he cant have any fun until the kids are gone.

So many posters have said "aw, but everyone deserves a day off sometimes" which I think is missing the point a bit.

I have lied in relationships, I have been selfish, but if I were ever to get married I would need a man to support me and be on the same side.

If you live with someone who is always trying to get one over on you just in case you try and give them something to do, it would be like having another child.

This couple have a toddler and a baby too, which means that at the moment, imo, life is a bit of a grind for both of them. They should be supporting each other, and I think OP is trying but her DH is not.

To the OP.
This is indeed a common problem. I get round it by leaving the bags by the back door so that I virtually trip over them as we leave in the morning.
hey presto - no more forgotten bags

My DH has done this 3-4 times in the last 6 weeks. And it does rankle that I run around in a sleep deprived haze getting the kids up, bathed, dressed, fed and out to the childminder's while he lies in a warm bed. (Especially since I get up to them in the night as well.) And when money is so tight, it makes me sad to pay childcare costs for two kids while he's sitting at home. (we don't have to pay when they aren't there)

And he will also say that kids take up too much of his life and that looking after them is my job because "having kids was my idea".

FWIW, I do think he's depressed. But then, he's like it every year at this time. I've bought him a SAD lamp, (that he won't use) encouraged him to go to the doctor, etc.( but he won't go.) so my sympathy is limited by now.

Fuzzy, having kids may have been your idea but I doubt you held a gun to his head while they were conceived. If he really didn't want them then he could have worn a condom or had a vasectomy. They are his kids as much as yours and it really isn't your job to look after them while he steams in his pit all day.

Tell the lazy fucker to get his arse out of bed and either go to the doctor or look after his kids.