Husband secretely takes day off

[katieks]

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

katieks - what screams out at me from your posts is that your husband is not happy at all. How about you sit down and talk about your life together and really listen to what he is saying?

Obviously, it isn't reasonable what he is doing but you don't sound like you have much time for each other at all and he is reacting to that. His comment about the children suggest that.

Katieks, what screams out to me is that your husband is, as Hunty says, an overgrown BOY who should have put a condom on his dick if he didn't want children.

You sound reasonable, and careful not to upset him.
Does he ever listen to what you say?

If his response to you trying to have a calm and open discussion with him about his unhappiness is sarcasm, and shitty comments about the children, them I would say not.
And the passport thing! God forbid he reads the fucking instructions himself!

In fact, I agree with everything HuntyCat says, and I think you have the patience of a saint.

Seriously, I think I would have done for him with a frozen leg of lamb by now.

Not that I am for a moment suggesting that, your Honour,

Or maybe.....just maybe he didnt want to spend all his spare time with you?

Perhaps he just needs a break from everything and wants some me time?

What a crazy idea eh? No nagging, no kids, just a Playstation!

You don't sound as though you are happy with the resolution. Do you think you are settling for an easy life? It sounds like you are telling yourself it's ok.

The comment about the children is pretty way out there. I second you having a long, frank chat with him. But also having a think about what would make you happy, as you aren't getting much of a deal here.

Just taking a quiet day off for himself isn't a big deal, imo.

Also, there are always going to be things around the house that need to be done. Sometimes you just need to allow yourself, or him, the chance to sit around and relax a bit. Life's too short, and all that.

cakewrench the vast majority of us have said it's fine to take a day off for yourself - that's not the issue, the fact that he LIED about it, the fact that he would have continued to lie about it - is the issue (for me and most others).

NOW the absolute twat has said he will never be happy again until the kids are grown and they get their life back - I mean WTAF there's no way he'd be sleeping under the same roof as me again if he felt like that about my kids. Now way.

He doesn't think he can have 'fun' until his DCs have grown up because they take up too much of his life, well he could leave and have all the free time he wants. He could be the sort of feckless fuckwit child he wants.

I'd let him go, I'd not bother trying to kiss and make up, I'd be making him fight to prove he was a proper man worthy of my time, not an overgrown child who needs a nanny/housekeeper/PA and doesn't want to 'share' you/his life with the DCs. Do you actually respect him when he says things like that? How???

YANBU to feel a bit miffed, but I think you know why he didn't tell anyone (including you) because with the declaration of intent would come a guilt trip.

"What do you mean you're not going to do anything? I'd love the chance to do that!" etc.,

Sometimes we all need/want a day off. I think you should sit down and talk because the deceit has upset you (rightly so) and maybe agree that you can both take a guilt free day off every now and then without the other's knowledge.

If it affects you family holidays, or even a date day together, then its not on. But I'm of the opinion that, fair play to him, he's wanted a day to himself and he took it. Most people would whine about not being able to.

in your situation KatieKs I'd have laughed and made a joke of it. Make sure you do it too if you want to. Don't fester on the dishonesty, he had reason to be secretive didn't he really?

By the way I think its not really balanced to post a highly emotionally charged argument on here.

Yes, from what you've said he sounds like a cock, reading between the lines, during your flaming row, you probably pushed each others buttons and both sounded like cocks.

It reads to me like you didn't like something, haven't got a really reasonable argument, want to know all the details, he's fired anything at you that he thinks will make you SHUSH and ended up saying some awful things.

Children take up time, I'm sure he knows that. Is he right that you have no time for him other than to make him feel stupid for not doing things your way?

I am playing devil's advocate because he's not hear and everyone will say he sounds like a wanker and you should leave the bastard. BUT he may have a point that you can't see from within your hissy fit.

By the way, I fucked up the children's passport application the first time round, it happens. Doesn't make me a cock.

And all this drama over the 'lie the LIE' HE LIIIIIEEEEED.

So would I.

Some people lie purely for peace. The question you have to ask yourself is WHY did he lie, and would you have given him peace? Doesn't sound like it.

No it doesn't aldi-but blaming someone else for not instructing you properly how to fill the form in would.

I know what you are saying-it's just one side etc, but tbh OP sounds like she is trying to understand him and be reasonable, and he sounds really..direspectful imo.
And for those saying that OP is "a nag" -a marriage is a partnership. If both parties pull their weight equally and are on the same page there should be no need for "nagging".

From what OP's husband said, he isn't on the same team.
He sounds really selfish and immature.

If I wanted to take a duvet day with no chores, and was married I would tell my spouse-"this is what I am doing".
I would not be"scared" or anxious that someone might try to give me a list. I would say-"actually, I really need this one day completely to myself to slob out. You should take one soon too."
It's called communication. Grown-ups do it.

The children take up too much of her time? FFS-they are a) both really tiny and b) HIS CHILDREN TOO!

People who lie for "peace" (read: because they are selfish and have no integrity) always try to blame their dishonesty on other people.

I had to lie, because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to please myself without consequence, as is my God-given right.

Nobody is forced to lie.

They choose to lie because the only person they care about is them.

Some excellent advice above. I would just add: rethink your view on the day off for yourself, and book one, soon. You should establish that this is something both people deserve, not a privilege just for poor hard-done-by old him.

I find it really disturbing that people think it's okay to lie to your spouse, so they won't make you feel guilty for not pulling your weight at home. Have I wandered into the 1950's by mistake?

If I had taken a day off and not told my spouse, I would feel wrong, sitting on my arse, doing sweet FA and knowing that when they got home after a hard days work, that all the shit work would still be there for them to do at home. I'd want to spare them that and the fact that your partner doesn't give a shit about this suggests to me that he is a selfish arse.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a day off, but there is plenty wrong with casual lying and active deception. It shows that he is willing to be manipulative in order to get what he wants irrespective of whether that is good for you too, and that is not a good trait in a spouse.

The password thing also upsets me. There is a difference between having passwords that you haven't mentioned to your partner and actively preventing them from knowing your passwords. Him logging on for you, rather than just telling you how to log into his account, indicates to me that he wants to keep things from you. Casual lying is a sign of disrespect.

Refusing to post your parcel, when he was in the post office anyway was just cuntish. Even if he wasn't specifically going there, he ought to have done it for you because he is your partner and it would have helped you.

He doesn't sound fully committed to you imo. The comment about the dc was shitty. He may not be happy, but I don't think you are either. His right to happiness doesn't outweigh yours.

Tbh life is hard when your kids are that young, you are both tired and ratty and I am sure DH would have said things like that (the kids mean no fun-type stuff) when DD2 was 6 months old. We were just on survival mode. Arguments like the passport thing are easy mistakes to make.

He didn't deliberately book a day off, he just saw the opportunity to not cancel an already booked day iyswim- the IS a difference. I don't really blame him. It's not a bad idea and you should probably do the same! I was off sick recently but put the kids in nursery as normal and even though I felt like crap it was absolute bliss having the house to myself and watching endless Sex and The City!

I wouldn't be too hard on him.

Tbh life is hard when your kids are that young, you are both tired and ratty and I am sure DH would have said things like that (the kids mean no fun-type stuff) when DD2 was 6 months old. We were just on survival mode. Arguments like the passport thing are easy mistakes to make.

He didn't deliberately book a day off, he just saw the opportunity to not cancel an already booked day iyswim- the IS a difference. I don't really blame him. It's not a bad idea and you should probably do the same! I was off sick recently but put the kids in nursery as normal and even though I felt like crap it was absolute bliss having the house to myself and watching endless Sex and The City!

I wouldn't be too hard on him.

My DP has done this before now. The difference is that I work from home so he can't do it without me knowing - what happens is he'll wake up in the morning and say, "Oh, I've got a day off today," and "I'll say 'why didn't you tell me?'" and he'll say "Because you would have given me a list of jobs to do."

This isn't true, by the way - I wouldn't give him a list of jobs and feel miffed that he thinks I would!

So what happened in the OP's case is this: both the OP and her DH work very hard, long hours, and they have two small children at a demanding age. If the OP had known DH was taking the day off, she'd have probably asked him to take the DCs to the childminder and do a couple of other jobs as well. Which would have been perfectly reasonable - when you've got DCs, you operate as a team.

But DH just saw a golden opportunity to have one of those days you dream about when you have kids: the whole day to yourself, doing nothing, with absolutely nobody on your case. I can so understand the temptation. He shouldn't have done it - though I bet he thought it would be OK as long as he got away with it. What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over, right?

What's wrong is that he is an arse.

Selfish does not = depressed.

He's probably just tired and fed up with the responsibility, which for the record, is not the sole preserve of the male gender. I have taken a day off and not told anyone because I was knackered and needed to stop the world and get off for a bit.

He probably is tired. Show me a parent who isn't.

I dunno. OP would expect him to do some chores if he has a day off and that makes her a nag by some people's reckoning. He, otoh, can refuse to post a parcel for her, despite being in the PO and he's considered potentially depressed, rather than a nasty git.

Am wondering when the OP gets to be self indulgent. Not saying he's wrong to want the day off, but he's having it at her expense if he's not going to use any of that time to help make her day easier.

I've taken days off too. I wouldn't even blink if Dh did the same, and if he hadn't felt the need to tell me... that is not 'lying' its simply a case (with us) of it being a non issue that doesn't need a stamp of approval!

I understand what you're saying karma but if the OP wants to take a day off without broadcasting it, why shouldn't she? The resounding answer seems to be guilt, I don't buy into guilt all the time, we feel enough of it as parents. A guilt free day off shouldn't be banned, nor questioned, nor broadcast. IF that was the agreement of most, then there'd be no need for lies.

I've even feigned illness before now, just for a day of absolutely nothing at all. It was more theraputic than shopping, a day at the spa... anything! Has I broadcast it I'd have spent my longed for day off surrounded by other people's children and with a list of 'little favours' that would have turned into an almightly stressful marathon.

Everyone needs time out. Lying is bad. But lying often happens when these 'duvet/ps3' days are dismissed as a luxury and unecessary and coupled with a guilt trip.