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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

....to not know what to do about my father's will

87 replies

Upnorthnow · 27/01/2012 11:57

My father lived overseas for most of his life and sadly passed away recently. Rather than being able to focus on our grief, my brother and I have been plunged into a horribly tricky situation because he died intestate, leaving behind a sizable inheritance. My father and mother divorced 20 years ago and since then he has had an on/off girlfriend who is much younger than him. They split up in 2006 but remained friends. However, last year when dad was diagnosed with cancer she came back to help look after him while he recovered (as my brother and i live on the other side of the world, and as we both have young families, we couldn't do it ourselves and my father refused to move back to england). During this time, his girlfriend left again twice saying that it was too difficult for her and he was being stingy with his money (as he never had joint finances with her - he was very protective over his money). He was taken ill again, just after we received another message from her to tell us she had moved out again, so my brother and i dropped everything to fly over and be with him in his final week of life (as was she). Now that he is gone, we have found out he died without a will and that all his money will pass down to my brother and I. He also had a pension which will go to his girlfriend as he made her his beneficiary a couple of years after they first got together (when he retired). Sorry - very long winded story. The dilemna is, my brother and i don't know whether or not we should be volontarily sharing the inheritance with his girlfriend...keeping the money would be life changing for both my brother and I (and our families) but we are racked with guilt that we have received this money because dad didn't have a will and wondering ifnhe would want it to go to her.....while we were overseas organising the funeral, a lot of pressure was put on us by both her and their mutual friends to "do the right thing" and "make sure we don't fall victim to charma" etc. She told her that he had told hernhe wanted her to have all his money as well as the pension, but he kept putting off writing a will. We really don't know what to do - the pension is worth almost the same as the whole estate so its not like she has been left with nothing. In addition, theynhave no joint assets - she rentednout her apartment and lived with him in his and he paid all the bills. I have no idea what my dad would have wanted as i am completely confused at to the nature of their relationship.....she is only recently back in his life and my father claimed that they were just "good friends" (though at his age and with his poor health, i think that he was maybe beyond anything more than companionship). I am in no doubt she cared about him as she was very upset when he died, AND she did drop everything to look after him after he got sick which my brother and i are really grateful for.....but at the same time i am not sure whether or not i feel she is entitled not to ever have to work again.....to complicate matters, my mother is still very bitter about the divorce with my father as she came out of it very poorly financially (she basically lives on nothing and still has to work long hours beyond retirement age as she was too late to start a pension or get a decent job when he left her - she spent 20 years raising my brother and i and following him around the world. If she ever found out we had handed over money to dad's girlfriend she would feel very betrayed... What does everyone think?

OP posts:
Portofino · 27/01/2012 12:01

Well if he wanted her to have his money he would have made a will. I would keep your rightful inheritence and help your mum out.

winnybella · 27/01/2012 12:02

Well, he made his decision, didn't he? He made her a beneficiary of the pension plan, which you say is worth as much as the rest of the estate. Sounds fair to me. Her subsequent behaviour makes me question her motives, tbh. No, I think it's fair that you and your brother keep it (and maybe help your mum out a bit as well).

diddl · 27/01/2012 12:04

Well he has thought about her wrt his pension.

Could you give a lump sum as a goodwill gesture for what she´s done?

Say 1000GBP per year that she helped?

Or would she be offended?

jen127 · 27/01/2012 12:04

She is getting his pension , if he had wanted her to have more he would have changed his will.
If the estate had been split fairly between you , DB and the girlfriend she would in affect have got less.

PattiMayor · 27/01/2012 12:04

Blimey what a wall of words!

I agree with Porto - if he'd really wanted her to have the money, he would have made a will. He's left her his pension so she isn't destitute.

bellabelly · 27/01/2012 12:05

Yes, totally agree with Portofino. He has provided for her through the pension, hasn't he. If he'd wanted her to have more, he would have made provision for that, especially being in poor health - not like his death was sudden ansd unexpected. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be horrible having to deal with all of this stuff on top of your grief.

NinkyNonker · 27/01/2012 12:06

You keep the money, she keeps the pension. He got around to organising that, so he would have done the will had he wanted to ensure she got it...telling me he didn't. You pay for funeral costs or whatever, then go home and get on with your lives.

wannaBe · 27/01/2012 12:06

if he'd wanted her to have it he would have left it to her.

I would keep it, and not be pressured by her.

JustHecate · 27/01/2012 12:06

I think I'd give money to my mother instead.

Even if I was planning to give her something, the 'karma' crack would mean she could whistle for it. She has the pension plan. That's enough.

StrandedBear · 27/01/2012 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beanbagz · 27/01/2012 12:08

If you're going to share your inheritence with anyone, it should be with your mother. If he'd wanted his on/off girlfriend to inherit his money, he would have made a will. Don't give into the pressure from her or her friends.

trixymalixy · 27/01/2012 12:08

I agree with the rest, she has been provided for through his pension and he would have made a will if he wanted her to have the money.

Sam100 · 27/01/2012 12:08

I agree with portofino - your dad did make plans. He made her a beneficiary of the will and he knew that in absence of a will everything else would go to you and your brother. He did not die suddenly and had plenty of time to either tell you what he wanted or get it documented.

JustHecate · 27/01/2012 12:08

and DON'T believe her that he said he wanted her to have everything but never got round to it - if he could sort out the pension, he could have sorted out the will.

If he didn't, it's because he didn't WANT to.

The pension is worth the same as the estate? So in real terms, she got the same as you and your brother put together?

She is being bloody greedy.

Did she move back in with him with pound signs in her eyes?

MorrisZapp · 27/01/2012 12:09

What they all said.

StrandedBear · 27/01/2012 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatisnotitatall · 27/01/2012 12:10

As his girlfriend/ companion has the substantial sounding pension I don't think you need to worry about her - you and your brother are the rightful inheritors of the rest and can obviously use a share of it to help your mum. If it weren't for the pension perhaps there would be a moral question, but as she has that I think you can have a clear concious not giving anything more to her.

Merrylegs · 27/01/2012 12:11

What Portofino said. Without a doubt. How lovely that you are now able to help your mum out after the sacrifices she has made for her career.

Tooblunt2012 · 27/01/2012 12:11

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I do agree with the others though - she has the pension & if he'd wanted her to have more, surely he'd have changed his will at the same time.

I'd keep the rest, go home & help your mum. No Karma to worry about as far as I can see.

chinam · 27/01/2012 12:11

I agree with all previos posters. She is getting a very nice pension from your father. You and your DB should keep the money and also help your mum out.

cocolepew · 27/01/2012 12:12

Agree with everyone else, she is well off with the pension.
I would use the money you were going togive to her to your mum.
Sorry for your loss.

noexcuses · 27/01/2012 12:12

No more money to the girlfriend. Your Dad made a choice to leave her the pension and he made a choice to leave the rest to you two by not doing a will which it seems he had time to do (sorry not meaning to be tactless but he knew he was unwell).

trixymalixy · 27/01/2012 12:12

Although she may not get the pension, normally you indicate who you would like the money to go to when you die but the trustees make the final decision. They may decide as they were no longer partners that she shouldn't get the pension.

cocolepew · 27/01/2012 12:14

OP everyone says the same thing (a MN first?). That should tell you something!

starfishmummy · 27/01/2012 12:14

I'm sorry for your loss, and this horrrible sutuation.
She is getting his pension, he arranged that and I would have thought that if he had wanted her to have more then he would have arranged it.
She sounds to me like she was only around for what she could get - she disappeaerd when he was ill, but came back for the last week of his life (when presumably someone else was looking after him?) It all sounds a bit suspicious to me.
THe rules about who his money will go to are presumably governed by the laws of country he was living in; can she challenge the will? You may need to get legal representation in that country