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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

....to not know what to do about my father's will

87 replies

Upnorthnow · 27/01/2012 11:57

My father lived overseas for most of his life and sadly passed away recently. Rather than being able to focus on our grief, my brother and I have been plunged into a horribly tricky situation because he died intestate, leaving behind a sizable inheritance. My father and mother divorced 20 years ago and since then he has had an on/off girlfriend who is much younger than him. They split up in 2006 but remained friends. However, last year when dad was diagnosed with cancer she came back to help look after him while he recovered (as my brother and i live on the other side of the world, and as we both have young families, we couldn't do it ourselves and my father refused to move back to england). During this time, his girlfriend left again twice saying that it was too difficult for her and he was being stingy with his money (as he never had joint finances with her - he was very protective over his money). He was taken ill again, just after we received another message from her to tell us she had moved out again, so my brother and i dropped everything to fly over and be with him in his final week of life (as was she). Now that he is gone, we have found out he died without a will and that all his money will pass down to my brother and I. He also had a pension which will go to his girlfriend as he made her his beneficiary a couple of years after they first got together (when he retired). Sorry - very long winded story. The dilemna is, my brother and i don't know whether or not we should be volontarily sharing the inheritance with his girlfriend...keeping the money would be life changing for both my brother and I (and our families) but we are racked with guilt that we have received this money because dad didn't have a will and wondering ifnhe would want it to go to her.....while we were overseas organising the funeral, a lot of pressure was put on us by both her and their mutual friends to "do the right thing" and "make sure we don't fall victim to charma" etc. She told her that he had told hernhe wanted her to have all his money as well as the pension, but he kept putting off writing a will. We really don't know what to do - the pension is worth almost the same as the whole estate so its not like she has been left with nothing. In addition, theynhave no joint assets - she rentednout her apartment and lived with him in his and he paid all the bills. I have no idea what my dad would have wanted as i am completely confused at to the nature of their relationship.....she is only recently back in his life and my father claimed that they were just "good friends" (though at his age and with his poor health, i think that he was maybe beyond anything more than companionship). I am in no doubt she cared about him as she was very upset when he died, AND she did drop everything to look after him after he got sick which my brother and i are really grateful for.....but at the same time i am not sure whether or not i feel she is entitled not to ever have to work again.....to complicate matters, my mother is still very bitter about the divorce with my father as she came out of it very poorly financially (she basically lives on nothing and still has to work long hours beyond retirement age as she was too late to start a pension or get a decent job when he left her - she spent 20 years raising my brother and i and following him around the world. If she ever found out we had handed over money to dad's girlfriend she would feel very betrayed... What does everyone think?

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 27/01/2012 12:15

I'm sorry for your loss.

You need to leave your Mum out of it completely. I know you care former feelings, but it has nothing to do with her.

If your Dad wanted his girlfriend to be included in the will he would have made a will to include her. He sounds like he was quite clued up, he showed this when he made her beneficiary on his pension.

He has shown you that he wanted her to have the pension, and he wanted his children to hav ethe rest.

I think it's quite clear that your Fathers action combined with his lack of action over a will, has shown that he wanted you and your brother to have the estate, and her to have the pension. Leave things as they are.

cornsilxsxy · 27/01/2012 12:15

agree with the other posters. It all sounds fairly split to me.

Pootles2010 · 27/01/2012 12:15

Yes I think you should just leave it as it is, and help your mum out as well. If he wanted to look after her finacially he would have done!

Also rather shocked that she tried to persuade you to give her the money...

Maryz · 27/01/2012 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitsmummy · 27/01/2012 12:17

No more money to the girlfriend, she's well catered for as it is (and has been in all her time with your dad by the sounds of it).

I would suggest you and your brother each give 1/4 of your inheritance to your mum to help her. Sorry for your loss too.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 27/01/2012 12:19

I think that he did not write a will because he did not need to. He knew that his estate would pass to his children. If he did not intend this, he would have made a will!
Not writing a will is as big a statement as writing one. He left her his pension. If he was able to arrange that, he could have arranged a will.

Keep the money. He was your dad. He was her on and off boyfriend. Nothing more.

OldMumsy · 27/01/2012 12:25

I totally agree with Portofino too.

jen127 · 27/01/2012 12:26

Op I forgot to say I am sorry for your loss xx

albertswearingen · 27/01/2012 12:28

Why would you feel guilty? Your Dad left her well provided for and it was his decision not to leave a will not yours. She should be ashamed of herself for making you and your brother feel bad at a terrible time for you. If I were you I would write a letter to her explaining that your father made his decisions and that she has her share of his inheritance in the form of the pension and that you do not wish to enter into any further communication about the matter.
And really your Dad wanted to giver her his pension and all his money and leave nothing for his kids? She sounds a right charmer and you would be better to have nothing more to do with her.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 27/01/2012 12:31

It sounds like the reason your Father didn't make a will is because he knew his girlfriend/friend would be pissed off with him if he did, and he was ill and probably felt like he needed her.

I doubt he 'didn't get round to making a will' at all. It was probably a very conscious descison not to make a will knowing that if he didn't everything would pass to his dc.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 27/01/2012 12:33

Actually tell her that you have decided to share your inheritance with your mother, as she struggled financially to raise you and your brother after your dad left, and she (the girlfriend) is already well provided for by pension, this way you WILL ensure charma dont bite you in the bum.

mariasophia · 27/01/2012 12:33

She has the pension, thats enough , my ex fil had same situation, although he ended marrying the woman, his kids were left with nothing, she got the lot, properties, businesses etc even though they were separated and living apart at time of his death. Dont feel guilty, he has provided for her, if the boot was on the other foot - do you think she would be thinking how much she should be giving his children - you wouldnt see her for dust.

gramercy · 27/01/2012 12:35

Quick sidetrack - are you able to leave your pension to anyone? What if an elderly person left their pension to their grandchild - it would have to pay out for donkey's years. I thought it had to be a spouse/legal partner.

Agree with all the others, by the way. Your dad probably didn't want to rock the boat with his girlfriend by actually putting in writing that his money went to you and your brother, but by doing nothing it has the same effect.

upahill · 27/01/2012 12:37

I don't doubt the girlfriend cared.
What she did was a nice thing,

With regard to the money she is the one coming out best by the sounds of things.
She has been very lucky.
I think it is bloody appalling that her and her friends are 'bullying' you and your brother to hand over even more!!
Nasty.

Thank her and tell her you appreciate everything that she has done for your father and you are plesed that she is being looked after via the pension.

Let's face it once this is over with you are never going to see her again if you don't want to are you?

Shakey1500 · 27/01/2012 12:38

Another one here agreeing with what everyone else has said. Good for you for giving it some thought to ensure you come to the right descision and I am very sorry for your loss.

She has the pension, the estate is to be split between you and your brother. You can decide between you if/how you want to help your mum out. Good luck. It's what your father intended, I believe.

PattiMayor · 27/01/2012 12:39

I was thinking the same thing Quint - karma should dictate that the mum gets a bit of an easier ride of things

whoknowsme · 27/01/2012 12:40

Being frank, your Dad had cancer, he would have known when diagnosed that sorting out a will would be essential if he wanted things split a certain way. Let's face it, he'd already made her the beneficiary of his pension and knew that this would provide an income stream for her.

IMHO he didn't want it to go to her and avoided the issue by not writing a will that left her out so she couldn't think too badly of him taking deliberate steps not to leave her a lump sum on top of the pension.

Tell her that the estate is being split 3 ways, she gets the pension, your F already saw to that and you and your brother get the capital. Ask her if there is anything of sentimental value she'd like to keep and if she seems grabby and only asks for really valuable stuff politely say that one of you holds that item as it is of great sentimental value to you/your brother.

Her comment, via her friends (about Karma) speaks volumes to me. It says she was expecting to be rewarded for her good deed.

With regards your mother, this is entirely up to you and your brother. If you feel that your dad was financially the victor from the divorce to your mum's detriment, then perhaps there is something in this karma thing and passing a proportion of the money to her would balance things out a little. I couldn't see my mum struggle by particularly working post retirement age and keep all the money for myself but I'd be miffed if I passed some on and my brother didn't. Families eh, who'd have em !

Seriously, don't give anything more to the ex girlfriend, she is being "rewarded" with the pension already and if your Dad had wanted her to have everything else he would have made a will, he had cancer, he would have been advised to plan for the worst possible outcome from an early stage. The fact that he didn't write a will, knowing that it would all pass to his children says it all.

Leave things as they are and think about your mum.

bitclueless · 27/01/2012 12:42

Agree with all others. Stick with the split as it is, once you attempt to change it you will get mired in all sorts of dilemmas and leave yourself open to more and more emotional blackmail. She has already overstepped the mark by even raising that she should get more.
And make sure you use some of it to support your mother as she grows old.

newbiedoobiedoo · 27/01/2012 12:42

Op sorry about your dad. But don't let misplaced guilt hand over your inheritance. Your father sounds to me like he knew what he was doing. He has left her well cared for. Why should you and your brother not be well cared for too?

I agree with a poster up thread. Leave your mother out of it and when you've both gotten your inheritance you can decide between you what, if anything, to give to your mum. But I wouldn't go telling the gf anything.

Their mutual friends have some cheek I have to say! It's none of their business and if your dad had wanted to leave her his money he would have done so. It doesn't sound like you'll have much to do with her or her friends anyway (if they're all over there) so take your inheritance, look after your families (including your mum if that's what you want) and don't be minding what anyone else thinks :)

coccyx · 27/01/2012 12:43

think you should leave things as they are.
Not sure what his ex wife has to do with though???? yes she is your mum but divorced 20 years from him

Eglu · 27/01/2012 12:45

I think you and your DB are being very kind even thinking about it. If she was going to be left with nothing it may be different, bit she has the pension, that is her share.

GrendelsMum · 27/01/2012 12:46

I agree with the others. He arranged to leave her the pension, and knew that the money would go to you and your brother. It seems quite a sensible arrangement, although he obviously should have got it down on paper so it was clear to everyone what he wanted.

Upnorthnow · 27/01/2012 12:47

I think i am still trying to process the grief...in a way it seems wrong to receive all this money because dad is dead... I had always hoped he would spend it all before he died and enjoy it, rather than hoard it. I am also feeling guilty because of what these friends of dads said at his funeral...all the stuff about "charma" and how i "need to make decision that i will be able to live with"....i just want to do the right thing but i also don't want to deprive my own family of the benefits such an amount of money will bring them......

OP posts:
PattiMayor · 27/01/2012 12:48

coccyx - the mum spent 20 years following her husband around the world, not being able to start her own career because she was raising their children. Most divorce courts nowadays make very sure that women are compensated for that fact.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/01/2012 12:48

You should leave things as they stand and take the money, he intended you to have it.

Whether you and your brother then decide to help your Mum out is a separate decision - but I think in your position I probably would.

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