....to not know what to do about my father's will

[Upnorthnow]

My father lived overseas for most of his life and sadly passed away recently. Rather than being able to focus on our grief, my brother and I have been plunged into a horribly tricky situation because he died intestate, leaving behind a sizable inheritance. My father and mother divorced 20 years ago and since then he has had an on/off girlfriend who is much younger than him. They split up in 2006 but remained friends. However, last year when dad was diagnosed with cancer she came back to help look after him while he recovered (as my brother and i live on the other side of the world, and as we both have young families, we couldn't do it ourselves and my father refused to move back to england). During this time, his girlfriend left again twice saying that it was too difficult for her and he was being stingy with his money (as he never had joint finances with her - he was very protective over his money). He was taken ill again, just after we received another message from her to tell us she had moved out again, so my brother and i dropped everything to fly over and be with him in his final week of life (as was she). Now that he is gone, we have found out he died without a will and that all his money will pass down to my brother and I. He also had a pension which will go to his girlfriend as he made her his beneficiary a couple of years after they first got together (when he retired). Sorry - very long winded story. The dilemna is, my brother and i don't know whether or not we should be volontarily sharing the inheritance with his girlfriend...keeping the money would be life changing for both my brother and I (and our families) but we are racked with guilt that we have received this money because dad didn't have a will and wondering ifnhe would want it to go to her.....while we were overseas organising the funeral, a lot of pressure was put on us by both her and their mutual friends to "do the right thing" and "make sure we don't fall victim to charma" etc. She told her that he had told hernhe wanted her to have all his money as well as the pension, but he kept putting off writing a will. We really don't know what to do - the pension is worth almost the same as the whole estate so its not like she has been left with nothing. In addition, theynhave no joint assets - she rentednout her apartment and lived with him in his and he paid all the bills. I have no idea what my dad would have wanted as i am completely confused at to the nature of their relationship.....she is only recently back in his life and my father claimed that they were just "good friends" (though at his age and with his poor health, i think that he was maybe beyond anything more than companionship). I am in no doubt she cared about him as she was very upset when he died, AND she did drop everything to look after him after he got sick which my brother and i are really grateful for.....but at the same time i am not sure whether or not i feel she is entitled not to ever have to work again.....to complicate matters, my mother is still very bitter about the divorce with my father as she came out of it very poorly financially (she basically lives on nothing and still has to work long hours beyond retirement age as she was too late to start a pension or get a decent job when he left her - she spent 20 years raising my brother and i and following him around the world. If she ever found out we had handed over money to dad's girlfriend she would feel very betrayed... What does everyone think?

The MN jury is 100% on this one (a minor miracle). So sorry for your loss.
Going sideways - all posters who have said they haven't made a will because it will go to their dcs anyway, please consider making one anyway. I'm going through trying to sort out my late DB's estate, died intestate, and a will would have made it so much quicker and easier.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm in full agreement with everyone else. He has provided for her. Legally and morally she has no right to anything else. We care for friends because we want to, not because we will get a financial return from it after they have died. She sounds money grabbing to be honest, tell her to piss off.

Sorry for your loss Upnorthnow.

Agree with everyone else. This is a girlfriend who left a few times then came back. Your Dad did not make her his wife but he did provide for her using his pension.

And he provided for you and your brother - his own children - with his estate. The girlfriend has her share (forget the friends comments as their ulterior motive is to get their friend more money). You can do lots in your life with your money, so can your brother. You could always donate a little to your favourite cause if you like but would recommend not doing anything for a little while as you're understandably grieving.

Also, if the girlfriend was legally entitled to the rest of the money, her and her cronies wouldn't be trying to pressure you and your brother would they?

Upnorth, sorry for your loss.

I agree with all previous posters - this is actually what your dad wanted, and it sounds as though he has been pretty smart about it. He's managed to provide for his children and grandchildren, and for his on/off girlfriend ( not wife, not long-term partner BTW). He knew her well enough to know how much of her help was driven by self-interest, so he has planned accordingly.

BTW, it's pretty despicable of the friends to hassle you and your brother at your father's funeral- awful. But if anyone says anything in future , you can tell them that your dad actually did leave her very generous provision by naming her as his pension beneficiary.

Your dad clearly wanted her to have a pension, as he provided for that. Also, he clearly didn't want her to have a lump sum from him, otherwise he would have provided for that, too.

I think your dad's girlfriend had £ signs in her eyes. I wouldn't give her a penny. She wasn't married to him or engaged to him and he didn't leave a Will bequesting anything to her.

I think you and your brother should split the money with your mum. Perhaps each of you give her 1/4 of what you have? Would that enable her to have a nicer life?

Another agreement here. Many older people believe that if you simply want your assets to go to your children, you don't need a will. It's a relatively new idea that everyone needs a will.

Your dad has catered for his gf with the pension. That's clearly the only thing he wanted to stipulate beyond this.

I think the only karma you need to concern yourself with is that toward your mother, it sounds right that she should be taken care of. Not a legal obligation but for most people a moral and ethical one (which would also apply to gf had she not been taken care of already).

I'd say stop discussing it, get some distance from gf and then write a note to say how grateful you and bro are that she was in your father's life, thankfulfor the care she gave etc, and glad that father acknowledged this by leaving her a sizeable portion of his assets in the form of the pension. Full stop.

Sorry for your loss.

Having been (sort of ) in your position with a stepmother and shared assets, I agree with the others.
She's done well out of the pension (which will go on for years presumably), and their relationship clearly wouldn't have continued if your father had lived.
She has held on to her own property whilst your father maintained her lifestyle and she repaid him by caring for him in his illness.
I think she's done okay tbh.
I agree your mother's needs are greater.

I'm sorry for your loss, but you and your brother need to look after your own families now.

Good luck.

Another person who agrees that you and your DB should keep the money. Having to deal with inheritance issues after loosing someone is very stressful - my DP was in a similar-ish situation recently with a poorly drafted will.

If your father had wanted to leave his partner something he would have. In effect he has shown what he didn't want by not writing a will and including her. What he wanted was for you and your DB to inherit;you should not feel guilty.

Keep the money, he left her the pension and anyway she seems a bit on/off to me. I disagree with some of the others though you shouldn't give the money to your mum. They divorced 20 years ago and presumably she got what was deemed fair then. Whatever he has since then is yours and your brothers and your kids.

Whilst I agree that from what you have said it does sound perfectly reasonable that you keep everything, I would like to put across my mother's experience from the other side.

She left an abusive relationship with my step father after falling in love with an older man who she met as she was hos carer. You are probably all judging her right now - I certainly was horrified especially ad he was still married and living with his wife. He had picks disease, a bit like Alzheimer's and his wife had stayed with him purely for appearances, she had a boyfriend she went to for weekends.

Anyhow, the shit hit the fan, the wife found out and moved the husband into a shelters accomodatuin and divorced him. She fought tooth and nail against my mother having contact with him, until she realised it was to her advantage. Then she let mum move in with him and basically be his sole carer for free for the rest of his life.

Mum constantly made it clear she wasn't after his money, signing agreements not to marry him and giving financial control to his daughters.

5 years later, with us having basically become his new family as his wife and daughters hated him, had done even before he got ill, he died.

Obviously mum was not in any will which was still the one from his married days so didn't count. She never asked for a penny, but they made her feel like a vulture even though she had been thee for him for years and was by his side as he died.

They kicked her out of the house a week after the funeral and tried to sell things in the house she had actually bought. They were absolutely vile about everything, even down to deliberately giving him a funeral that was the oposite of his choice.

Not saying open and brother are like this, but want it known there are always two sides. Maybe the girlfriend did love him. Maybe she deserves to help plan the funeral, and enough money for a holiday to recover from the stress of caring for a dying man and then losing her home. I think she would be happy with just some respect from you and your brother and less suspiciousness at her motives.

I also think you and your brother are dutybound to provide enough for Yuri mother to retire and have her own home. It sounds like she really deserves and needs it.

He had split up from his girlfriend. He never married her. I don't see that she is entitled to more of his money on any level and wonder if she just moved back in with him hoping for money. He married your mother and had 2 children. Why should he have wanted to support an exgirlfriend rather than his children? I would see his not making a will as an active choice on his behalf, as I would presume he realised that in not making a will his money went to his children. He probably felt she was already provided for by his pension. She isn't getting nothing is she? He showed his wishes by choosing not to make a will. It sounds as though it was a protracted illness not a sudden death so he must have realised he would die soon.
You are his children, of course you are entitled to his money.

Fisrtly, I am very sorry for the loss of your Father. But I think what you also need to remember is that she had her own property and lived with your Father and he paid the bills - in this time she had rent paid to her for the property so she has gained in this way too. She has not been left wanting has she? having a pension for a large amount of money paid regularly is an amazing gift, the fact she would even ask for more says a lot about her. I think it is called looking a gift horse in the mouth?

If you and your brother have DCs, think of them and the help this money could afford them. If you don't, think of Dcs you may have in the future. If you feel uncomfy about gaining money from someone's death then leave it some time as it is all very fresh and you have been subject to pressure at a very difficult time. The thing about money is it gives you choices and freedoms that without it you could be denied. Don't give up choices and freedom to appease guilt because i am telling you when your immediate grief passes you will regret it. If you still feel bad in a few years, send her a cheque!

Also consider this, if the boot were on the other foot, do you think she would be 'doing the right thing' and giving you and your brother a third each???? I think we all know what the answer is. I too would give a big chunk to my Mum, she is the one that needs your help and if she is in dire straights then that is absolutely the right thing to do. You sound like such a lovely person and I am so sorry for your loss and she and her friends are obviously bloody arseholes for being so mean please carry on being as nice as you are but don't be a mug, opportunities like this come along so rarely, it is a shame that it has arrived through something so sad but feel good that someone left you and your db well provided for and try to enjoy the long term security it will bring you.