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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find my BF unbearably smug since she had first DC

80 replies

missdeelite · 26/01/2012 14:02

I have to get this off my chest as I feel so guilty but my BF is driving me crazy. I had my DS 5 years before her, and now am proud mum of 3 bouncy and spirited boys. I've always openly turned to her with my insecurities, anxieties around kids, we're like sisters and I've always shared. However, since she had her DD 18 months ago she makes judgemental remarks about other peoples parenting that make me really uncomfortable. She has criticised her new mummy friends for not making enough effort to Bfeed(apparently that's why her daughter never cries!), not changing nappies enough, feeding purees not doing babyled weaning, using dummies, going back to work, having toddlers that are 'aggressive'. Some of these things are things I've found tricky in past, for instance I had a toddler that used to push, and I'd leave playgroups in floods of tears. Surely she hasn't forgotten? In which case is she deliberately making snide comments?

She never admits to having found anything difficult, her baby (who btw I adore she is v v sweet) never tantrums or cries, sleeps, is loving and gentle, very passive.

She also keeps asking really probing questions about finances - even how much my DH's bonus was and how much our car cost!!! Which makes me really uncomfortable and puts me on the spot. She tells me how great her and her DH are doing at paying off their mortgage and how she can just spend money without having to worry, how lucky she is that she doesn't have to work... aaaargh she is becoming a nightmare. And I feel horrid for saying it but I'm starting to avoid her.

She is pregnant with 2nd DC and I'm secretly hoping she has a really challenging one this time... now who's the cow???

OP posts:

NotBovvered · 26/01/2012 14:04

I think we have the same friend .

And I am also wishing her 2nd child to be horrible ... so another cow here!

neolara · 26/01/2012 14:08

Just wait till the baby is born and her DD becomes 2 1/2....... The tide will turn, don't you worry.

Original poster

missdeelite · 26/01/2012 14:11

So glad its not just me...was really cathartic to get that out in the open. However, she'll probably never admit it if he/she is a nightmare!

OP posts:

Combinearvester · 26/01/2012 14:13

I have this friend too. I wonder if she might criticise others to make herself feel better about her own choices, she may well have come in for some criticism from other friends or family about baby led weaning or breastfeeding or whatever. My friend who is like this is always saying she hates dummies (I used them) but can't understand why people don't do controlled crying (I didn't). I have said to her I couldn't care less what other people do with their babies short of neglect, but she also seems to take this as a criticism.

I'm going to give my friend a bit of time to regain her own self-esteem / identity, maybe if she is still like this after DC2 stop hanging round with her.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 26/01/2012 14:15

People like your friend are underneath the thin veneer of superiority usualy very insecure.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 26/01/2012 14:15

My sil must be your bf

Having no2 will slap it out of her though.

HoudiniHissy · 26/01/2012 14:15

Oh YA SO NBU!

I feel your pain. My DSis is exactly like this.

ComposHat · 26/01/2012 14:22

Yanbu - but perhaps she is saying this as a way of reassuring herself and banishing feelings of insecurity/inadequacy (if I keep saying it it will become true)

aldiwhore · 26/01/2012 14:27

Sometimes I think its a form of denial. Like she's trying to convince herself she's doing okay when maybe she feels she isn't?

I can't judge this one without knowing her to be fair, but YANBU to find it quite irritating either way.

My sister, who I adore, is going through the adoption process. The parenting advice is very direct (or rather her tutor in the classes is very direct) and I understand its all for good reason, but I find her constant tattle regarding what is correct and what isn't quite tiresome. I try to be forgiving, she's not on an easy journey at all, but often she'll criticise my choices as 'wrong'.

I have gently told her its dangerous to be judgemental. I also couldn't help feeling very hurt when she declared "I won't be the same kind of mother as you at all", I responded as diplomatically as I could that of course she won't as she's a different person who'll have a different child.

Its difficult OP but I agree with Composhat that this could be an explanation, especially in an otherwise lovely friend.

Canella · 26/01/2012 14:28

lovesbeing - do we share the same SIL??

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 26/01/2012 14:32

I hope I wasn't smug about it but my first my dd was an angel slept well, ate well honestly never misbehaved she was so laid back. Then when she was 2 1/2 I had Ds1. God that was a shock to the system. HE led HER astray when he hit the toddler years. He had reflux and cried constantly for his first year and was/is so full of beans and energetic and will find mischief wherever he can. It's true there really aren't 2 the same.
Anyway dd is nearly 9 and is the preteen from hell has grown up and so has her temperament shell learn.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 26/01/2012 14:34

ha ha! I know someone exactly like this! Mortgage is paid off, live in 'nice' area, no debts, go on nice vacations.

Her kids are never sick whereas mine are constantly either at the GP, or at Children's Hospital because they can't just have a cold, it's a chest infection.

her kids never do anything really. A few months ago DS (3) flooded the bathroom causing the ceiling downstairs to leak blowing out the electrics. She said her kids would never do that, and she's right. Oh well, at least mine have personalities!

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 14:34

I think that sort of behaviour is usually the result of deep insecurity. She sounds like the kind of person who needs to be the "best" at everything so she's making herself out to be the most clued up about all aspects of parenting. A lot of new mums are like this IMO but it usually wears off at about 6 months when the sleep deprivation lessens slightly and your brain comes out of lala land. If she's still at it after 18 months I'm not sure there's much hope for her. Perhaps DC number 2 will knock her out of it.

Original poster

missdeelite · 26/01/2012 14:39

You're right aldiwhore... she is truly a lovely friend, and I'm more sensitive as got new baby at mo... I think will just distance myself for a while! Wish I could cover my inseurities up...just blurt them out willynilly instead!!!

OP posts:

EirikurNoromaour · 26/01/2012 14:40

Don't forget that angelic babies turn into 2 and 3 year olds and none of them are angelic! I was taken very much by surprise when my DS started playing up at 2.5 and he's now a spirited 3.5yo who can be a right handful. She will have a terrible twoser and a newborn! If that doesn't fill her plate up I don't know what will.

Rachelwalsh · 26/01/2012 14:41

Agree with Cailindana - it sounds like she is really telling herself she's doing a good job constantly, which makes me think she probably has the same doubts the rest of us have but is too anxious to admit it.

Either that or she's just a really smug git.

Lueji · 26/01/2012 14:42

I also have a friend with a first baby, and find it funny/annoying that she is so full of certainties, and her baby is the best ever and nothing else seems to be in her mind.
She goes to baby concerts and the likes (waste of money IMO).

After living in another country and 6 years of parenting messageboards, I find it amusing.

WilsonFrickett · 26/01/2012 14:48

Aw bless, still in her PFB bubble after 18 months?? That must be some sort of record.

OP, you know you never get two babies the same. She'll get her wake-up call when she's got two under three, you mark my words

MyMelody · 26/01/2012 14:52

gosh she sounds awful I would avoid avoid avoid. She sounds like the one with serious insecurities not you!

Adversecamber · 26/01/2012 14:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCraicDealer · 26/01/2012 15:00

I have a mate who manages to 'spin' everything, it's quite a talent. If say, she goes somewhere it's never 'just' alright, it's always amaaayzing. Even if something doesn't go to plan it's ok, because she's found something better or wasn't that fussed anyway. I was complaining explaining to my DP about her apparently charmed existence, when he pointed out, "well she's never just ok, is she? You get the sanitised version".

I suspect it's the same with your mate; you don't see when her DD draws on the loo seat with crayon, has a meltdown at bedtime, or breaks the DVD player, and she ain't gonna tell you. It doesn't mean that she's doing it better, it's just she has more issues with what people think than you

Bumpsadaisie · 26/01/2012 15:06

Ha ha, I was thinking the same as neolara!

When DC2 comes along the angel of light PFB will turn into full blown toddler with nose out of joint.

My DD was so sweet till about that point. I congratulated myself on BFing, being responsive, never leaving her to cry etc, letting her enjoy playing with her food rather than spooning it in etc.

I got a rude awakening! Now I don't place nearly so much value on the choices you make as a parent.

nizlopi · 26/01/2012 15:56

I used to have a 'best friend' like this. I had to cut her out, she got worse and worse and eventually said some really hurtful things about my husbands mental health (he suffers from bi polar).

It started out similar to what you're saying your friend is like. Its like she lost the ability to filter hurtful stuff.

elinorbellowed · 26/01/2012 16:17

My BF doesn't have kids and is always commenting on how good children are. Quiet children. Quiet babies that sleep through the night. With the subtext that mine are too loud. I am willing the female god to send her a very loud, very stubborn child.
When DS kept me awake for eight months I managed to convince myself that he was very bright and it would all be worth it when he was keeping me in my old age. I persuaded myself that other people's babies that slept through the night were much more stupid than my PFB. It was how I got through, though I hope I never communicated it to other mothers! Anyway, he's now 5 and wrote 'sick' on the fridge yesterday, so i was right, he's definitely a genius.
I bet she's desparately insecure about her own parenting and is trying to make herself feel better. My SIL was so scathing that I was still breastfeeding at 10 months and I know it's because she stopped at 4 months when she had to go back to work and felt guilty.

Thingiebob · 26/01/2012 16:18

I think she must be my SIL.
Everything is amazing, perfect, easy and no trouble at all.
It is sickening.
Also very predictable as I know what she is about to say before her mouth opens. It does make bonding quite difficult to be honest!

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