to find my BF unbearably smug since she had first DC

[missdeelite]

I have to get this off my chest as I feel so guilty but my BF is driving me crazy. I had my DS 5 years before her, and now am proud mum of 3 bouncy and spirited boys. I've always openly turned to her with my insecurities, anxieties around kids, we're like sisters and I've always shared. However, since she had her DD 18 months ago she makes judgemental remarks about other peoples parenting that make me really uncomfortable. She has criticised her new mummy friends for not making enough effort to Bfeed(apparently that's why her daughter never cries!), not changing nappies enough, feeding purees not doing babyled weaning, using dummies, going back to work, having toddlers that are 'aggressive'. Some of these things are things I've found tricky in past, for instance I had a toddler that used to push, and I'd leave playgroups in floods of tears. Surely she hasn't forgotten? In which case is she deliberately making snide comments?

She never admits to having found anything difficult, her baby (who btw I adore she is v v sweet) never tantrums or cries, sleeps, is loving and gentle, very passive.

She also keeps asking really probing questions about finances - even how much my DH's bonus was and how much our car cost!!! Which makes me really uncomfortable and puts me on the spot. She tells me how great her and her DH are doing at paying off their mortgage and how she can just spend money without having to worry, how lucky she is that she doesn't have to work... aaaargh she is becoming a nightmare. And I feel horrid for saying it but I'm starting to avoid her.

She is pregnant with 2nd DC and I'm secretly hoping she has a really challenging one this time... now who's the cow???

I suspect I've been guilty of being a little like your friend at times since becoming pregnant and having PFB. In my case I've felt enormous pressure to ensure all grandparents get equal 'visitation' and justify a lot of my choices due to constant criticism. I feel I've been questioned and judged a fair bit by them along the way. I've learnt to answer "have you been a good boy for mummy?" (which is said to him but I'm supposed to answer) with "he's been a little Angel, haven't you?!" - the truth is quite often he hasn't (usually a developmental leap or tiredness causing a few meltdowns, some whining and clingyness; usual baby stuff) but there's no way I want them knowing that! I've sort of taken on a positive way of talking about him to everyone now because I don't want them thinking badly of me or him.

If I ever discuss other people's parenting with my friends who have children its always assumed they know that I look up to them and am in awe of the way they run things and exclude them from what I'm saying. It's stupid but I usually only mean I wouldn't do things a certain way, not that they shouldn't be done.

The trouble is although I feel I'm a good mum I don't feel like a very good friend/person/adult any more because I've always got one eye on the baby, I'm thinking about 10 things at once and I'm struggling to fit in with other mums and adults in general. I lack social skills a bit and I say things without thinking and kick myself afterwards, I honestly think if you raised your issues with BF you'd find she's struggling to cope in some ways and knows she's said the wrong thing but is too embarrassed to say anything.

Not sure why she'd ask about finances, that's a bit personal but maybe she's just interested to see how other people manage with more than one.

I'm not excusing your friends behaviour but I think it's worth you discussing it rather than letting a good friendship run its course without finding out her side.

YANBU by the way, despite what I've said I'd feel the same as you in your position.

My first child was a screamer. I thought it was because I was a first-time mum.

My second child was a doddle. I thought it was because I was an experienced Mum.

My third child was a screamer.

It happens.

Def NBU!

My SIL was like this and I too prayed for her (that sounds soo wrong) to have a little shit more difficult time with her second child as she constantly made me feel like a crap Mum, rolled eyes continuosly, hurrumphed when mine did anything she didn't 'agree' with whilst her angelic, quiet, frilly, pink princess sat aghast.

Oh how we laughed when ds (adorable and just great fun in my eyes) arrived and caused mayhem. In fact by then mine were 8 so a lot 'better behaved'.

thesurgeonsmate my mum laughed when i told her, apparently i had to be wheeled out the main ward as i screamed so much, the midwife said to my mum that i would be a handful, and i was. She feel's my first devil spirited child was my punishment!

OuchCharlie - I totally identify with your first paragraph!

It's the baby equivalent of 'how are you?' - 'I'm fine' regardless of actual major health incident, to ask after baby and be told he's an angel!