to find my BF unbearably smug since she had first DC

[missdeelite]

I have to get this off my chest as I feel so guilty but my BF is driving me crazy. I had my DS 5 years before her, and now am proud mum of 3 bouncy and spirited boys. I've always openly turned to her with my insecurities, anxieties around kids, we're like sisters and I've always shared. However, since she had her DD 18 months ago she makes judgemental remarks about other peoples parenting that make me really uncomfortable. She has criticised her new mummy friends for not making enough effort to Bfeed(apparently that's why her daughter never cries!), not changing nappies enough, feeding purees not doing babyled weaning, using dummies, going back to work, having toddlers that are 'aggressive'. Some of these things are things I've found tricky in past, for instance I had a toddler that used to push, and I'd leave playgroups in floods of tears. Surely she hasn't forgotten? In which case is she deliberately making snide comments?

She never admits to having found anything difficult, her baby (who btw I adore she is v v sweet) never tantrums or cries, sleeps, is loving and gentle, very passive.

She also keeps asking really probing questions about finances - even how much my DH's bonus was and how much our car cost!!! Which makes me really uncomfortable and puts me on the spot. She tells me how great her and her DH are doing at paying off their mortgage and how she can just spend money without having to worry, how lucky she is that she doesn't have to work... aaaargh she is becoming a nightmare. And I feel horrid for saying it but I'm starting to avoid her.

She is pregnant with 2nd DC and I'm secretly hoping she has a really challenging one this time... now who's the cow???

Oh dear, she sounds like me, though I'd never ask questions about your finances. My DD was a dream. DS1 arrived 18 months later and he was hard work.

YANBU to hope DC2 is more challenging! She'll soon appreciate the error of her ways, and you know you love her really.

oh, i also have this friend. She was such a good friend before we both had children. She has a 1 year old dd, I have a 2year old dd.
Nowadays, I'll ring for a chat, she'll ask how my dd is. I'll comment how shes using her toddler years to develop her hitting skills or some such. I'll ask how her dd is and she'll comment how her dd is so good. That shes lucky she has an easy time of it all, she found bfing easy, her dd always slept through etc etc.
To be honest I found the friendship a bit well, boring. Usually friends share their good times and their bad. I also started to feel disloyal to my own dd somehow.
What s funny though is that one day, I had been talking to her on the phone and she'd been saying how her dd was just brilliant with food (she was weaning).
The very next day her husband was having a brief chat with me over facebook and when I asked if the 'girls' were ok, he said that his wife was getting stressed about weaning.
Hmmm.
Im definately in less contact with her now. I think the old relationship was based on our openness with each other, which quite frankly has been lost.
Sorry, could start my own thread on this one .

YANBU to hope her next child is a bit more, ahem, challenging

Just imagine how exhausting it must be to be so damn perfect all the time though. I have one friend who I think is lovely, but I choose to limit my time with her as she is always 'suggesting' ways I could improve my parenting. Maybe I should have sent the DC to her children's fantastic school, maybe I should take them to swimming classes, maybe I should not allow them to eat sweets ever

Interestingly, another friend whose DH is friends with her DH, told me recently that she resents me as whenever she's struggling and asks her DH for help he says 'well, Balls manages without a DH, so you should be able to manage without my help too' (I'm a lone parent)....I have much more empathy with her now and dislike her DH even more than I did already

I'm surrounded by girlfriends like this.

In my limited experience, those who have little angels the first time around, get tasmanian devils for their second, and 6 months after they give birth, sob into a large gin-and-tonic, telling you they've never have had a second child had they known what they were letting themselves in for. Be prepared to offer a shoulder (and smile inwardly).

My second was, of course, a super baby from the very beginning. But I'm still traumatised by my first...

She is just not telling you about the crappy bits!

My mum's next door neighbour was constantly going on about her perfect her daughter was (I was about 7 years older and going through teenager from hell period at the time).

When mum spoke to neighbour's husband though - completely different story.

I can understand you wanting to avoid her and hoping No2 is a tiny bit of a pita though!

I think friends just grow apart - heard a lovely description one time about someone " oh he's one of my friends that I just don't like anymore"- in other words you'd never become friends now but its probably easier stay friends than not!

She can't help it if she has a good baby though. Sure you wouldn't want her to lie about it to make you feel better? Why don't you tell her how you feel, maybe she's not very aware how her comments make you feel. Maybe also you might feel a bit Jealous? I know i do when i hear other peoples angel baby stories.

I would imagine she feels you are more experienced than her and is trying to overcompensate. People who are genuinely breezing through life are less likely to feel the need to convince others how great things are.
The big downside to her having a perfectly contented baby who is no trouble is that she has little experience of dealing with a cranky baby if her 2nd one isn't so compliant. She will also likely be completely unprepared for this as she will think her baby's nature is down to her excellent parenting and not just good luck. It will be almost like her being a first time mum - except with a toddler to cope with too! So I would just feel sorry for her and take the highground by not mentioning her previous smugness if she ends up with a nightmare baby/toddler or both!

She can't help it if she has a good baby though. Sure you wouldn't want her to lie about it to make you feel better? Why don't you tell her how you feel, maybe she's not very aware how her comments make you feel. Maybe also you might feel a bit Jealous? I know i do when i hear other peoples angel baby stories.

IME when they have difficulties, people like this just morph into winning the 'I had it hardest' competition (that you haven't even entered).

They will tell you about their difficulties as if no one of this earth has ever experienced such a thing and never ever mention the fact that they saw their easy child's behviour as the result of their fantastic parenting.

My Mum tells the tale of how she thought she was the most natural, earth mother ever to grace the planet after having me - a docile, placid baby, who slept and fed well and wasn't in the least demanding.

I mean, wasn't it entirely down to her amazing motherly skills that my personality and generally contented demeanour were the way they were?

And then they had my brother. Who, they say, had he come first, would have been an only child.

20 months between us - it was hellish, she said!

There's just no way of knowing what one baby is going to be like from the next, and it's also quite amazing how baby's personalities can morph quite remarkably once they become toddlers.

My BF's PFB DD was such an easy baby but has turned into the most wilful, demanding (but delightful) toddler. My own PFB was so incredibly demanding as a baby that he turned my world upside down, but has grown into the most laid back, easy, gregarious, pleasant boy.

Totally agree with everyone who has said that a). she doesn't know what she has in store, and b). smugness on such a grand scale is usually a mask for something.

Don't feel bad - you're doing an amazing job yourself with your 3 boys who wouldn't have any other mother if it was offered to them on a plate.

My first was a nightmare baby, she turned into the most gorgeous sweet child. My second was the easiest, sweetest baby ever, she never cried, ever. Then my life changed forever at exactly 7am on her 2nd birthday. She now (at the grand old age of 5) rules the roost, has the loudest voice in the house, and sometimes I wonder if she's actually the devil's spawn.

Your friend will look back and cringe.

Her dd is only 18 months. MWHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! [evil grin emoticon]

Reminded of the mother of twins I met at a baby group with my DC2, sagely giving advice on how easy it was to manage babies if you had a good routine. Her twins were all of 14 weeks old

One of my dear friends is a bit like this. PFB apparently never tantrums because they are very firm with her. She is only just over a year old! And before she was born, apparently childbirth only hurts if you expect it to. Not sure how many of these gems she actually remembers in retrospect though!

She can't help it if she has a good baby though. Sure you wouldn't want her to lie about it to make you feel better? Why don't you tell her how you feel, maybe she's not very aware how her comments make you feel. Maybe also you might feel a bit Jealous? I know i do when i hear other peoples angel baby stories.

Ok Ok DavidMitchellsWife we hear you!

Yes Mrs Mitchell, I suppose I am sometimes transiently jealous, although I'd never swap my own gorgeous boys or any other part of my life really - warts and all. I think I'm also sometimes hurt that she might think less of me, or be actually trying to get one up on me - but what I should ultimately do is not get mad, shrug off the smug and be confident in my own abilities... will try harder!

Sorry for the triple posting!

I don't know her but I doubt she's even thinking about how you're taking her comments, some people aren't very sensitive and need to be told. I often make judgemental comments to my best friend, I really hope she'd tell me if they upset her!

It's only human to secretly hope she gets a challenging DC2.

But be careful what you wish for... I hoped the same for a good friend of mine because her DC1 was an amazing sleeper and a very chilled baby and she was a bit smug about it. She went on to have the pregnancy from hell and a (so far) very difficult baby (reflux, screaming all night etc). I know logically this isn't my fault, but she's having such a hard time I do now feel a bit guilty for my evil thoughts!!

I also think it's natural to take credit as a parent for your DCs wonderfulness, not realising it's the luck of the draw. My first 2 were very gentle and I was a bit about the hitters / biters I encountered. Then DC3 went through a long pushing phase and I had to eat my words!

My dd1 was pretty good (most of the time, like when she wasn't biting when BFing), but at 2.5yo dd2 came along. Dd1 turned into monster child. 6 months after that dd2 was what can only be described as possessed by satan! I now have a 6yo with attitude and gob, and 3yo devil child.

Please someone let me go back to my pfb smugness, when I could pretend everything was great, I don't have the energy to pretend any more. sigh

Goodness yes, I have a friend rather like this - things are always amazing with her, there are never any tough times, she, her DH and DD are always having the most fun and of course she is the best mother anywhere. It is very wearing - true friendship surely means sharing bad times and being open and honest about everything.

I too think it is a sign of insecurity but I cannot be bothered any longer to try to keep up with Mrs Competitive - have given it my best shot but came to the end of my patience whilst we were both on mat leave.

After coming home from seeing her every time feeling tense and stressed instead of relaxed and heart-warmed, and after much self-analysis (is it me being competitive? no. do i feel like this with other friends? no. do other friends find her odd and self-absorbed? yes. do other friends feel like she is happier when things are going less well for me/others so that she is 'winning' at life? yes, sadly.....) I have decided to let her phase out. Thankfully have not had to have a formal 'break-up' conversation so perhaps we can just let the friendship move to the 'used to be friends' stage naturally.

Sad, but do I really want people like this in my life and in my son's life? Nope.

But i must say I wouldn't wish a difficult baby on anyone, parenting is hard enough even with an easy baby isn't it?

I really wouldn't worry, I have seen it time and time again. Number 2 comes along and breaks every rule in the book and mother finds it was utterly nothing to do with her parenting-she just had an easy, good natured child!

I've known a few people like that. One in particular was someone I met on an online pregnancy board when pregnant with my youngest child. She was pregnant with her first and was adament that she would have a homebirth. Caesareans only happened to those that didn't research properly prior to labour. Labour only hurt if you let it. (She ended up having a hospital birth, epidural and forceps delivery but wouldn't ever admit she had been wrong before). Then once her baby arrived she was even worse. Lecturing everyone constantly on aspects of parenting and how it "should" be done. And of course her baby was apparently all-singing all-dancing, potty trained, walking and talking at 2 months old, that sort of thing.

She also constantly talked about what a marvellous time she, her husband and DS always had and made out that they had a very charmed life. In reality, I don't think things were quite as perfect as she made out as she seemed quite insecure in some aspects.

Also another friend used to constantly compare our DSs and make passive aggressive comments, insinuating that my DS was inferior to hers and that she was better than me. And not just comments about the children, it was also about our houses, other DCs, cars, clothes, you name it, she was competitive about it.

In the end like Frenchlimeblossom, I used to feel stressed when I'd seen her and she actually started to grind me down a bit. So I drifted apart from her. Luckily she lives quite a distance from me so we don't bump into each other.