to find my BF unbearably smug since she had first DC

[missdeelite]

I have to get this off my chest as I feel so guilty but my BF is driving me crazy. I had my DS 5 years before her, and now am proud mum of 3 bouncy and spirited boys. I've always openly turned to her with my insecurities, anxieties around kids, we're like sisters and I've always shared. However, since she had her DD 18 months ago she makes judgemental remarks about other peoples parenting that make me really uncomfortable. She has criticised her new mummy friends for not making enough effort to Bfeed(apparently that's why her daughter never cries!), not changing nappies enough, feeding purees not doing babyled weaning, using dummies, going back to work, having toddlers that are 'aggressive'. Some of these things are things I've found tricky in past, for instance I had a toddler that used to push, and I'd leave playgroups in floods of tears. Surely she hasn't forgotten? In which case is she deliberately making snide comments?

She never admits to having found anything difficult, her baby (who btw I adore she is v v sweet) never tantrums or cries, sleeps, is loving and gentle, very passive.

She also keeps asking really probing questions about finances - even how much my DH's bonus was and how much our car cost!!! Which makes me really uncomfortable and puts me on the spot. She tells me how great her and her DH are doing at paying off their mortgage and how she can just spend money without having to worry, how lucky she is that she doesn't have to work... aaaargh she is becoming a nightmare. And I feel horrid for saying it but I'm starting to avoid her.

She is pregnant with 2nd DC and I'm secretly hoping she has a really challenging one this time... now who's the cow???

I know there are some angel babies around and that's great but on the other hand, why do so many women LIE about how hard their kids can be?! I don't get it! I am always honest about how hard and challenging it often is, but so many women are in a bloody competition to say how easy it is

I never understand this kind of behaviour, and thank god for that

Op, unfortunately, ms gleeful mummy is going to continue to grate on you but this is her problem not yours

Urgh, avoid!

It really grinds my gears when people talk about babies being 'good' or 'well-behaved' - they're babies fgs, they cry, they don't sleep for long, it's what they do. Some babies cry more than others but they're not worse, or naughty. My baby cries quite a lot I suppose but I would never say he was anything other than 'good'. MiL is always asking if baby was 'well behaved' or 'good' for outings or overnight, I always reply yes through gritted teeth or change the subject.

Yep I had an angelic baby and then he turned 2 and all hell breaks loose, I cant turn my back for a minute!
I mean it in the nicest possible way but hopefully in 6 months she'll have a 2 year old running riot and a baby that constantly cries, despite her breastfeeding!!

I've always found that the best parents are those who don't have kids, I know I was definitely a better mum before I had kids ''oh I'd never let my child do that'' it all goes out of the window when you are totally knackered and pulling your hair out!

muslinsuit I totally agree, it always annoyed me when people would say ''aww is he good?'' he's 3 weeks old, how can he be naughty?!

Have a smug friend. Had the children first. Hers obviously perfect and Gina'd mine completely useless as dd didn't follow that routine (although slept etc, just food fussy) her second, fine until one day when said child decided that only one thing is acceptable to eat and refuses everything else. Literally survives off choclate mousse. Who's smug now ha.

I wouldn't be so mean but all this time said friend criticizes everyone elses parenting and openly told me that dd's food issues were because of what I had fed her and this is coming from someone who can't cook vs moi who can .

Oh and that good thing? That has to be the weather conversation of dc . How would a two month old be naughty

professor yes you mean the old 'well I don't really know what to say to this person with the new baby, I feel I should say something....I know what...I'll ask if it's good!'

The other thing that's annoying is random competitive mums that just try and strike up a conversation to brag.

When my DS was younger I was dropping DD off at school one day and DS was in his pram (he was probably about 1, far too young to be walking on the school run if I wanted to retain my sanity). A woman came over with a boy of a similar age and said "that looks like a comfy pram". I said "Yes he seems comfy in it" and she started saying "Well we don't need a pram now as he is far too tall for one and in any case he likes to be a big, grown up boy and walk, don't you darling?"

Don't worry, this will all come back to bite her on the bum in time. She's bound to get a tricky one next time! :o

DS1 has serious food issues and it started at 15 months old ish. So many smug people whose DC's live on organic veg and only eat unappetising healthy rice cakes and such for snacks told me that they would make him eat sprouts/force him to clear his plate/not tolerate fussiness etc. Really? I would ask. How? They shut up when they realised that what they were proposing would be classified as child abuse as it would involve pinning him down and force feeding him. Of course their DC's never got that way in the first place due to their amazing parenting! People have no idea what it's like to be another parent and should think twice before commenting and criticising.

I was an extremely smug friend with my first cos she was a doddle and she was sooooooooooooo easy,( and whisper still is cross fingers and spit,). (You will now see what I mean about me being smug) birth, breast feeding, walking , talking, toilet training etc. my best mate had her DD before mine, in my eyes she did everything in my singleton eyes differently (ie wrong). she made a rod for her own back, things I thought were blatently obvious not to do she did, would not put her baby down ever I mean never ever for about a year. so then her DD would fret if when wasn't held. Dummies all the time not just to sooth, made a huge fuss over the food, constantly panicing if her DD didn't eat every last mouthful. It sort of freaked me out. I learnt from her mistakes so when i had mine I did the complete opposite to her. She sort of critizised me but I could then be miss smuggie as mine slept, was happy on her own for more than 5 mins, eat anything, did not hit or bite other children she was not a moaning fussy pain the arse that her child is now. When she had her second she chilled out and sort of learnt from me and her DD2 is a lovely kid her oldest is still a nightmare though. When i had my 2nd my smugness slipped a bit but its still there. I do apologise but there you are I have outed myself as a smug git.
My 2 will obviously be horrific teenagers, sweary,drunken sluts whilts hers will go to oxbridge and rule the world but there you go. I will be smug till then

Oh and my cousin's wife is a NIGHTMARE!!! Their DS is 3 weeks older than mine so when they were babies we used to see each other quite a bit but I'm sure she used to forget that her baby was older than mine 'oh F does this and that and blah blah' oh and surprise surprise my DS would be doing the same 3 weeks later.
She's a right little cocky cow, always has to have the best of everything, and the most of everything!
Well 2&1/2 years on she still thinks the sun shines out of her DS's backside, it's just a shame the rest of the family don't think so ! It's a regular topic of conversation when family meet about her annoying this little brat is, about how spoilt he is, about how he's a bully to his older cousins.
So when she's being all smug about him and what a wonderful mother she is I really have to bite my tongue as all I want to say is ''nobody even likes your little brat!''

Just think of her as insecure, she obviously is because it makes her feel better if she thinks that you are not doing so well.
Don't engage-just find some bland statement like 'they are all different' and change the subject.
You can have fun later-she has a DC who can't talk back and hasn't imposed their own will-it will come! She has it al her own way so far.

YANBU. I have come across this so often! First child is angelic, and mother imagines that child's personality is entirely a result of her brilliant parenting. Mother looks down on other people's badly behaved children, who are only badly behaved because their mothers are doing something wrong.

I can only say, as consolation, that even if DC2 turns out to be another angel, DC1 may go completely off the rails when she becomes a teenager. It's early days.

I would be rich if I had a £1 for every smug mother of PFB who puts it down to her parenting skills and then has number2 who disproves it from first breath!

Does she happen to have worked in marketing? It's amazing what "working in marketing" can do to addle the brain.

Is she competitive in other, non-dc ways?

My sister has 4 dc and the first 3 were easy peasy. She said she never knew what other people were complaining about and is eternally grateful for the 4th who was a scamp from birth (never slept etc). She said until she had him she didn't know she was alive and suddenly she "got" what most other mums were going through.

She sounds like a bit of a pain in the arse . I think even with an angelic child, they must occasionally do things which aren't angelic. Right?!

As lots of people have already said, she does sound very insecure about things though and constantly trying to show you that she is fine and everything is great. Bit weird with all the questions re the money.

My daughter's babyhood was challenging in parts (she had bad reflux and a milk allergy and a dislocated hip so operations and a spica cast for 12 weeks + brace after that) but she was a pretty "good baby". She didn't cry much and slept well etc. She is now 2 and is still a fairly calm little girl who hasn't yet had any huge tantrums. However, she has her flaws! She doesn't like children she doesn't know leaning across her or getting too close and she will occasionally try and scratch them. Which requires me to watch her fairly closely and I am very strict with her when she does it. She appears to be growing out of it now. She also walked late (understandably) and talked late - has now caught up. But she generally looks pretty well behaved and calm to most observers. When anyone compliments me on her behaviour I do mention the scratching thing as she is most certainly not perfect and also I think it is very much down to her personality (her father was much the same as a baby - fairly chilled and calm - walked and talked late) rather than my fantastic parenting

I am fully expecting a whirlwind boy next ! I think as a parent one has to be very careful about thinking that it's all about parenting skills - quite a bit is down to luck with the child's personality I think. And it is a bit boring to bang on and on about how perfect her daughter is whilst criticising other parents. So I think YANBU

I have angel baby, who hasn't "turned" yet. When issue is raised (and people do say things like, "Well you make your own luck, don't you") I always just insist that she's been relaxed from day one and it's just her personality. Hope so - wouldn't like to think I could snaff it all up now!

DD was a perfect baby, did everything the books said, slept, smiled on demand etc, etc and I used to worry that people would think I was being smug so would make sure to say that it was just her nature. I've been proved right too - DS doesn't sleep, is into everything and generally harder work - I've done nothing diffferent, they are just different personalities.

I would say your friend is pretty unsure about her parenting and is actually after affirmation that she is doing everything right. But YANBU to find her annoying. As for the finance thing - that's just plain rude!

I agree with posters who have said it could be denial and insecurity. One person I used to know would swan around exclaiming how wonderfully happy she was, would then pry into other people's relationships and offer endless unsolicited advice on this and that. It turned out that she was desparately unhappy in her marriage, ended up cheating on her husband and splitting up with him (or he left her, I don't know). Oh and she had been abused by an ex-partner which had landed her with serious psychological issues for which she had been in therapy for years. But for years she would never admit to a single problem in her life.

People who are genuinely content don't feel the need to interfere and make endless snide comments about others IME.

missdeelite its incredibly rude for her to ask you about your finances, next time she starts trying to go on about finances or babies just roll your eyes and say 'listen could we please talk about something more interesting for a change?' hopefully she will get the message!

i had a nightmare ds1, was that baby on the maternity unit that just screamed and screamed. ds2 was different from day one. she'll learn.

Oh dribbleface there was a baby like that on my maternity unit, I'll never forget it. It was such a contrast to mine, I just felt for the mother - not so much because of the screaming baby but because of the escalation of attention and fuss it all generated. After a day or so, orderlies with tea-trollies were starting to offer their tuppence-worth about the babies' "bad behaviour"!

I had a friend, we went through pregnancy at the same time. She changed on becoming a mother. I am sure we both did but the friend she was is gone. She got really protective of herself and her child to the point I wasn't allowed to hold her baby. She became the mother who obsesses over recipes from Annabel Carmel and joins Jingly Jessie's musical hothouse and talks about nothing but the baby. We have almost never laughed since that baby was born. I wonder what she thinks of me!