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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a spiteful cow or would this piss you off too?

227 replies

Flamemenow · 24/01/2012 20:39

I know this seems unkind but I really need a rant about my friend.

My friend was in a 'friends with benefits' relationship with a single man and as a result she had an unplanned pregnancy. He did not want her to have the child and said if she did he would not want to have anything to do with it. She wanted to have the baby so they agreed that he would not have to see the child or support it financially.

When the child was born, my friend claimed the benefits she was entitled to as a single mother. She put on the forms that she did not know who the father was.

Two years later she had another child with the same man, under the same circumstances. They have never lived together or even dated. She now lives off benefits whilst she raises two children. She has had part time jobs over the years to supplement her income but usually gives them up after a few months.

When I think about this it really pisses me off that I am paying to feed and clothe this man's children. I don't see why I should just because they 'came to a private agreeement over finances'.

He still lives in the same town and although they don't see each other anymore, she hears all about what he's up to and he seems to have plenty of spare cash - (lovely house, expensive car, holiday 3 times a year, etc.)

Sometimes I get the urge to anonymously grass on her but that would be a really nasty thing to do. Or would it?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 25/01/2012 10:05

Yes and previously with the CSA - I'm at the end of a 2 year career break after maternity leave. I know some of this has changed recently but before I left the above certainly applied and as the children are teenagers now he should have been paying something

April 2010 the law changed in that maintenance is discounted in a benefit claim. so your advice is well out of date.

I know the DWP can be requested to not pursue non resident parents such claims for a good reason such as fear of violence ect but I can't see that wouldn't apply here?

There have been cases where a request to not pursue has been granted in if it would cause undue stress [given the women in question has mental health issues this could have been the case here] for the time period predating the 2010 law change this may well have been the case.

Also this whole thing is anecdotal, we dont know what the mother has actually told the DWP/CSA, this is just OPs take on the situation.

OpinionatedMum · 25/01/2012 10:07

I think you should do this woman a favour and stop pretending to be her friend.

She has done nothing wrong, she has worked when she can but keeps having relapses of depression.

I think you are making assumptions about her relationship with the kids dad. Are you really expecting me to believe she has a baby with a bloke, ends up alone on benefits and then thinks to herself "whoopie do this is so much fun I am going to do this all over again!!"

More like she takes him back to get shat on again. I actually feel sorry for her.

I would love to know what you are going to grass her up for-she has done nothing illegal. You sound really spiteful wanting land her in the shit when she is ill.

TroublesomeEx · 25/01/2012 10:21

Or do yourself a favour, stop being her friend and stop worrying about what she is doing!

elvisaintdead · 25/01/2012 10:23

You sound like a lovely "friend" OP

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/01/2012 10:27

You're not unreasonable to think what you like, OP, you probably wouldn't have had so much abuse if you'd just referred to a 'woman in your street'.

My opinion is that every child should know who its parents are, without exception, whether the parent is present or not. All parents should pay for their biological children too, no excuses.

GirlWithPointyShoes · 25/01/2012 10:38

Benefits - Check!

Single mothers - Check!

Mental health - Check!

Does she have the cheek to buy nice ham too OP? And branded breakfast cereal? Let's just dig a big hole a put her and her kids in it with nothing to eat but smash. You could visit regularly to tut and shake your head.

That will learn her.

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:45

But the amount of benefits she gets is not affected by whether she gets maintenance of the children's dads or not, so what is it you want to grass her up for?
Yes it is frustrating that so many dad's seem to think its ok to just walk away from their kids but that's not her fault.
It's wrong that the system is set up in a way that it makes it so easy for your friend to live off benefits, I worked whilst a lone parent but I would have been financially better off if I hadn't have done. But this is the government's fault, not your friends.

missduff · 25/01/2012 10:52

And btw when you make an application for benefits you don't have to declare who baby's dad is so she wouldn't have had to put 'unknown' down.
I think you should get your facts straight before you start putting your friend down.

brdgrl · 25/01/2012 10:54

"brdgrl she is entitled to reproduce, - even if she can't provide for the children? Well. I did not know that. Is that law then. Or human rights law or something??"
You aren't for real, are you? Thankfully, As tethersend has explained, yes. Yes, it is. Have you learned something today, then? [gobsmacked]

(Or did you have to apply for a license to have your own children, OP?)

I think you are making assumptions about her relationship with the kids dad. Are you really expecting me to believe she has a baby with a bloke, ends up alone on benefits and then thinks to herself "whoopie do this is so much fun I am going to do this all over again!!"
I actually think it is perfectly possible that she did this once, with the first child, and it suited her well, so when she chose to have a second child, she went back to the Man and asked for his help becoming pregnant again. I'm only guessing, of course - but it is not necessarily the case that this woman is desperate or pitiable. If one wants a child and is not in a relationship and is not a good candidate for adoption or official donor assistance, etc, it is not unknown to make such an arrangement with a friend.

Either way, you are of course correct that only the woman involved really knows the circumstances or the emotions involved, and her "friend" the OP is out of line.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/01/2012 10:55

My My, what a nice friend you are!

Yes OP you are being a spiteful cow! Grass her up for what?? Why dont you just distance yourself from her so she can get some better friends!

GypsyMoth · 25/01/2012 10:59

So many people on this thread quoting outdated information as being 'fact'...... It's hilarious!!

SecretMinceRinser · 25/01/2012 11:19

So op you think benefits should be there for those who 'need it'.
If a lone parent who cannot work due to illness doesn't need it then who the hell does in your opinion?

SecretMinceRinser · 25/01/2012 11:24

And even if a father pays maintenance what they legally have to pay is a pittance and a lone parent is still likely going to need help to get by or help with childcare costs if they work - unless they have a lot of savngs.

missduff · 25/01/2012 11:46

ilovetiffany I hope that's not aimed at me? As someone who has been a lone parent since 2yo DS was born until 4 months ago and he's only 2 I certainly know what I'm talking about.
Not read all of the comments on the thread but it's clear OP hasn't got a clue about being a lone parent or the benefits.

AmberLeaf · 25/01/2012 12:18

I dont think it was missduff.

Evilclown · 25/01/2012 12:51

What sort of TV does she have? That's what I want to know..

GypsyMoth · 25/01/2012 12:52

Oh sorry missduff, no, not you

AmberLeaf · 25/01/2012 13:07

Dont forget the goat!

SusanneLinder · 25/01/2012 14:08

Tell her to get a bloody job and stop sponging off the state OP.That'll learn her [bwink]

bigshinydinosaur · 25/01/2012 17:27

OP, you do sound incredibly spiteful not to mention unsympathetic, bitter, jealous and quite, quite ignorant.

You say she is your friend and, by the fact that her children are in tehir teens, you have known her for some years. So you have spent a significant amount of time feeling like this towards her. Which begs the question...why exactly are you friends with her?

Yes, it is within your human rights to reproduce, even if you have no means of supporting that child/ren.

Do fucking do one!

Flamemenow · 25/01/2012 18:16

therehastobemore I think the best thing to do is organise a mumsnet lynch mob, drag this woman to the benefits office and public humiliate her until she squeals!

Judging by this thread I don't think I could muster a lynch mob, it's more likely me that'll get lynched for daring to suggest people should think about how they will provide for their children before they have them!

tethersend Staggering as you may find it, it is one of those pesky human rights

I'm all for human rights. And human responsibilities. It's all too easy to forget about those pesky responsibilities though.

She had no relationship with the father. He was very clear that he did not want one. They did not go out even for a meal or a drink. Ever. He was completely upfront about not wanting children. He probably should have been sterilised.

She has also been caught working for cash whilst signed off sick. She had to go for an interview with the benefits office. She was very upset about it.

OP posts:
therehastobemore · 25/01/2012 18:31

flamemenow - you dont like her, would you mind PLEASE telling us why she is your friend?

tethersend · 25/01/2012 18:42

"I'm all for human rights. And human responsibilities. It's all too easy to forget about those pesky responsibilities though."

Oh dear. I almost put a tenner on you mentioning 'responsibilities', but I thought that there's no way you would fall for such meaningless rhetoric and quote that god-awful (and incorrect) rights come with responsibilities cliche.

But you did.

Here's the thing. Human rights don't come with 'responsibilities'. You are afforded them by being human. They cannot be revoked. They require nothing in return apart from the correct DNA.

foglike · 25/01/2012 18:50

This might be morally wrong but it isn't illegal.

You're not much of a friend to be honest YABVU.

sunshineandbooks · 25/01/2012 18:50

If the OP's friend was any more stereotypical she'd be wearing a pink velour tracksuit and saying "yeah but, no but" (albeit 20 years older). Hmm