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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate people who cry off at the last minute?

99 replies

TurkeyBurgerThing · 24/01/2012 13:32

Grrrrrrrr!!! I have a friend who is an utter pain in the arse for doing this. I'll not see her for months, we arrange to meet up then she texts at the last minute saying she can't meet up for some dramatic reason. I'd say the chances of us making an arrangement and actually successfully meeting up are about 50/50.

I've even got as far as sitting at a table in the pub WAITING for her when she text with one of her flaky excuses. Thing is she always texts the night before to confirm we're still meeting up.

She's done it AGAIN today and after I've been rushing about getting things ready for a nice lunch.

I'd never do this to someone, although I'm tempted to try it with her.

AIBU to feel pretty pissed off?

OP posts:

BandOMothers · 24/01/2012 13:34

YANBU. I do it though...it's causing me some unhappiness that I can't seem to pull myself together. I suffer from anxiety and sometimes get so worked up about going out that in the end I just can't do it. I am only just realising what it IS.

I have a good friend who I am going to have to explain things to. I hope she understands.

scuzy · 24/01/2012 13:34

jesus the amount of threads like this recently are unreal. cant believe how rude some people are. YADNBU!!! its manners common courtesy whatever you want to call it ... but i find it sooo rude to not show up when arranged or text in advance or come up with flaky excuses.

drop her like a boiled shite i say!!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 13:35

YANBU

I've ditched a few friends recently because of that kind of behaviour. Unless it's a real emergency it is just them saying "my time is more important than yours". I won't tolerate it these days. Texting you when you're sitting in the pub waiting to say she can't come is absolutely taking the piss IMO.

Has she got other, redeeming qualities?

unreasonableannie · 24/01/2012 13:36

they would only do it once to me, then i would bin them

BandOMothers · 24/01/2012 13:36

I'd like to say...I know not ALL flaky people are like me...but SOME are. I want to go out...I want to meet my friends....but my confidence is so low atm that it seems like a massive challenge.

I arrange a date...look forward to it...then get afraid and can't do it. I am not agoraphobic...but I do get huge social anxiety.

scuzy · 24/01/2012 13:37

well BandOMOthers you should open up to her and will make you both feel better. but taking OP at face value and that this person is just an inconsiderate flake i say she is NBU.

Turkey i went through that and would text that i couldnt make it (though never promised to make it) and would say in text that not feeling myself lately and will explain some day and thanked them for thinking of me to invite me.

i did eventually open up somewhat and has helped me immensely. you have to see it from their side.

scuzy · 24/01/2012 13:38

sorry meant that from Band not Turkey

Harecare · 24/01/2012 13:38

YANBU, but I have done this and I don't think I'm a bad person. I tend to do it as I get a bit nervous/anxious about going out as I rarely do these days. By the way I am a very confident outgoing sociable person, but I guess I have a bit of an inferiority complex sometimes. I always assume the other person must have loads of other friends to go out with instead of me as I've not seen them in such a long time so they won't be bothered about not seeing me.

Could your friend be the same? How about if the next time you just went to hers and then it wouldn't matter if she was tired, nervous, inexplicably whatever?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 13:40

The thing is though, Bandomothers, is that other people have issues too about that sort of thing, but to be flakey to the point of rudeness is inconsiderate and disrespectful IMO. One of the friends I have ditched in recent months has mental health issues but I do too, and when she kept cancelling it was all about HER and how SHE felt, with no regard for how I felt and how upsetting it would be for me when she just cancelled at the last minute when I was looking forward to meeting up. She also didn't offer me any support when I went through a very difficult time at the end of last year, again because of her problems.

I don't mean to sound harsh but perhaps you are not the only one in your group of friends to feel down or anxious at times and perhaps it is worth considering your friends' feelings when you cancel because of how you feel.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 24/01/2012 13:46

I've got a friend who does this all the time and it really bugs me I've got to the point where I don't even bother to make plans with her. My DP and I had a housewarming party on Fri and invited her, she is a single mum and because she couldn't find any childcare aasked if the kids could come, after a argument discussion with my DP (who really wanted a party without children) we said she could bring them and told all other friends children were welcome, set up the spare room as a childrens area. Text her the day before to confirm and had a text an hour before the party asking if we wanted her to bring anything, then she didint turn up, so i was left with a houseful of children and a slightly annoyed Boyfriend , haven't heard from her since

Original poster

TurkeyBurgerThing · 24/01/2012 13:53

She's definitely not got social or anxiety issues! It really irritates me because I have small children too and trying to organise them around someone who is unreliable is a bit of a nightmare.

I really like her, but to be honest if I think about it, I could never rely on her in a crisis or anything like that.

OP posts:

Threeprinces · 24/01/2012 13:58

YANBU, she is being disrespectful to you.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 14:03

Oh smilingthrough I would have been absolutely fuming! Has she been in touch since?

mojitomania · 24/01/2012 14:03

YANBU, this annoys the crap out of me too.

Do it back. Don't people say that you don't know how it feels until it happens to you.

MeltedChocolate · 24/01/2012 14:03

I am like you Band. I get myself so worked up. I have also realised that it anxiety and I probably need to do something about it. Check with your friend that this isn't the case. If it's not, I wouldn't bother.

redrubyshoes · 24/01/2012 14:07

Next time just invite her to your house, if she cancels then at least you haven't had to arrange childcare or rush around getting ready.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 24/01/2012 14:17

HQOTS - I haven't heard from her and can't be bothered to talk to her so think that is the end of the friendship, my DP was furious and has said she is never to be invited to anything in the future, which is most unlike him as he is very laid back but we ended up with about 35 children and he had specifically said before we invited people that he would like a childfree evening, because he has children and admits that he doesn't know how he would cope without me and his mum helping out when he has to work he compromised knowing she is a single mum, don't think he will compromise in the future though!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 14:26

35 children??!! OMG! I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to her again, I would do exactly the same thing in those circumstances.

Eyjafjallajokull · 24/01/2012 14:26

YANBU and I'm glad other people think this is crap.
I have done it when ill and felt bad enough.
I ditched a friend a year ago who would not only make an arrangement but then text me to tell her when the arrangement was (as if I hadn't watched her writing it in her diary) then claim she'd double booked. Hmm, more like something better came along. Boot.
If you do this and are reading, you don't fool anyone, stop it!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 14:32

I have, like I said, in the past few months, had a real cleanse of friends and really cut my circle of friends back, because I was amazed at the amount that thought it was ok to treat me shoddily, eg make arrangements and then cancel at the last minute, or be very late for things constantly. Admittedly I probably did have too many "friends" as I used to just put up with any old rubbish. So now I have far fewer friends but they all treat me well and vice versa.

I did also ditch another friend last week, who I hadn't actually seen in a while, but has always been flakey and would make an arrangement for meeting up with me, say that we'd arrange exact times and meeting place nearer the day then go AWOL a few days before the planned meet up and not be contactable by phone, FB or text. So I've decided that's the end of the road with that friendship too, and I shall be "busy" in future if she suggests meeting again.

Runoutofideas · 24/01/2012 14:36

I find this really irritating. I have a couple of friends who are notorious for it and it really is them saying "my life is so busy and I'm so fascinating, everyone else will just hang around/rearrange their plans for me!" I find it very rude. Lateness is just as bad. I've lost count of the amount of times I arrange to meet friends in the pub at 8 only to be sitting there at half past on my own.... (I don't mean when we've gone out as a couple as clearly that wouldn't matter - more when it is mums from school so they know everyone is arriving alone.)

welshcath · 24/01/2012 14:39

I too have a friend like this. She will say that she is coming round at a certain time and then appear 4 hours later. Last week she was supposed to be coming over and I got a text at 9pm to say that she was sorry but got caught up doing other things and wouldn't be able to make it. I had kind of gathered that by then.
I find myself waiting expectantly for her visit, only to always be let down.
In case that last sentence makes me sound like a little puppy, I think I had better explain that I have a 4 month old, not many friends and mild depression, so anyone coming to visit always makes my day a hell of a lot better.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 14:41

Runout I detest lateness too. I've actually started going home after 20 minutes of waiting now unless they've contacted me with a very good reason as to why they are late. One friend used to be repeatedly late to meet me, one day she phoned me once I'd arrived in a town at our arranged place to meet and said "will be there as soon as I can, we're having a busy morning and I haven't finished tidying yet", so I waited and after 20 minutes I went home and sent her a text that said "We're heading home as we have travelled 20 miles to meet you this morning and the kids are disappointed that we are waiting around. To be honest I find it upsetting that you just expect me to wait and wait until it suits you to arrive". She phoned me later and was very apologetic and now is always on time to meet me. She knows that it is last chance saloon and that if she is late again then the friendship really will be finished.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 24/01/2012 14:41

I have a friend who does this and it's a real shame because she is really lovely but I can't make plans with her without feeling like there is a 75% chance it won't happen.

Flyonthewindscreen · 24/01/2012 14:42

YANBU. Apart from a small exception for a good friend who is having problems for a short time I agree with whoever said flaky/late people simply think their time is more important than yours. Either don't bother with her or if you have mutual friends, arrange to meet her as part of a group so it doesn't matter if she cancels.

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