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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate people who cry off at the last minute?

99 replies

TurkeyBurgerThing · 24/01/2012 13:32

Grrrrrrrr!!! I have a friend who is an utter pain in the arse for doing this. I'll not see her for months, we arrange to meet up then she texts at the last minute saying she can't meet up for some dramatic reason. I'd say the chances of us making an arrangement and actually successfully meeting up are about 50/50.

I've even got as far as sitting at a table in the pub WAITING for her when she text with one of her flaky excuses. Thing is she always texts the night before to confirm we're still meeting up.

She's done it AGAIN today and after I've been rushing about getting things ready for a nice lunch.

I'd never do this to someone, although I'm tempted to try it with her.

AIBU to feel pretty pissed off?

OP posts:

Sewmuchtodo · 24/01/2012 16:10

Oh god, are you my friend?!?

I had to cancel last min on a friend today. I was sitting in the coffee shop waiting on her (11.45am, we were meeting at noon) and the school called to tell me DS1 had been sick and needed to be collected! I feel so guilty.

I am also often late...

YouOldSlag · 24/01/2012 16:37

YANBU.

I have a friend like this and I am currently not on speaking terms with her. I have known for a while that she has some social anxiety issues and I do cut her some slack. However, the last time she blew me out at the last minute for a weekend away, she didn't even bother to tell me, just told my friend to tell me.

She sent me a jolly Christmas card as if nothing had happened but I am out of patience. She has obviously shrugged it off and yet hasn't apologised or contacted me to explain.

I feel if such people are not confronted or challenged, it is ENABLING more bad behaviour. I should have confronted her(she is known for being a bolshy cow at times) but just went silent instead. De-friended her on FB, no Christmas card. Sod her. After almost 22 years of friendship I feel I deserve better.

It's not funny, jolly, flaky or endearingly neurotic, it's fucking rude.

Sewmuchtodo- in your case that was an emergency and they are excused from all rants.

TreacleSoda · 24/01/2012 16:48

When people say that they have anxiety and want to meet up, but feel inferior and that the person they are meeting probably has better things to do, are you subconciously (or even conciously) wanting that person to feel the same way? i.e. they have gone to the bother of making arrangements, then you cancel on them at the last minute, so they are left feeling a bit let down, a bit worthless, which is exactly how you felt to begin with.

I'm not trying to be cruel, I know anxiety can be crippling (am a sufferer too, but in different ways), but I just wondered if its a possibility? Same goes for the lateness thing, if you are habitually late, you make the person waiting for you feel that they don't mean very much to you. So no matter how much you protest that you want to be on time, you just can't, the reality is that it makes the other person feel bad, and if you have low self esteem yourself, maybe on some level this is what you want, to make the other person feel bad like you do.

YouOldSlag · 24/01/2012 16:52

Treacle- you might be right- I cried my eyes out when my long anticipated weekend was cancelled the night before. I hadn't been away from the kids for 18 months and was desperate for a break. My childless, no strings friend just told my friend who was expected to tell me. Oh boy, did I feel like shit for weeks.

Lastyearsmodel · 24/01/2012 16:56

I stopped contacting a friend like this last year. She cancelled last minute a lot and always by text, never a phone call. It really got to me as I began to think it was me and that she didn't really like me, bt she would be very lovely with me when we did meet up.

However, I still have lingering bad feelings about it. And DD1 got on really well with her DD and asks when we'll see them again. But I have to remember the times when DD1 was looking forward to them coming then upset when they bailed at the last minute. It's. Tough

Lastyearsmodel · 24/01/2012 16:58

Oops, I meant it's a tough one.

LanceCorporalBoiledEgg · 24/01/2012 17:14

I have a friend like this. I only arrange to meet up with her with other people, so if she pulls out (or is late which is another thing she does), we can still go ahead with our plans with her.

Harecare · 24/01/2012 19:52

treaclesoda speaking for myself, absolutely not! Thanks for pointing it out though, I'll make damn sure I'm less rubbish in the future. I'm going to try and get in the habit of going out more often and then I won't feel so insecure as I've not been out for sooooo long and have nothing to wear, no time to get ready etc.

Perriwinkle · 24/01/2012 19:58

I had a friend who used to keep doing this too. I just cut her out of my life in the end. It actually felt very empowering.

Life's too short to put up with "friends" who can't afford you the same sort of respect and consideration that you afford them.

Crap friends are no loss and they can always be replaced with better ones.

YouOldSlag · 24/01/2012 20:58

Perriwinkle- I totally agree. It's taking the piss. Friends who cancel and blow you out all the time are taking your friendship for granted and expecting people to put up with them no matter how they behave.

My friend has known me for 22 years and I just think I deserve better.

We all accept emergencies happen but repeat offenders are a different ball game. I also think that if you have to cancel something, you should phone and apologise that way instead of a text that might not get there and is all too easy to send.

ENormaSnob · 24/01/2012 22:05

Yanbu at all.

I had an almost identical thread last week.

Am still furious tbh and i've got to go to her wedding next week.

pictish · 24/01/2012 22:08

Yanbu. I had an old and (supposedly) dear friend that did this to me often, and if on the rare occasion she did deign to show up, she would be very very late.

I ditched her. Was so liberating.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 22:09

Oh no, you decided to go to the wedding in the end, ENormaSnob?

ENormaSnob · 24/01/2012 22:14

Yep I guess it feels the right thing to do.

Not sure why though as her behaviour has been appalling.

I will be going, taking a card and gift, leaving early and that is the end of the friendship for me.

I will not be taken for a twat again.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 24/01/2012 22:17

Well I think perhaps it will bring a positive ending to the friendship for you, EnormaSnob.

ENormaSnob · 24/01/2012 22:21

Thanks Queen

catyloopylou · 24/01/2012 23:54

I just think it's plain rude. I have a couple of friends who do this and it really annoys me so I never bother initiating anything and just tend to not worry about getting ready until I hear from them confirming/cancelling.

I've learnt that I can either get worked up about it or just let it go and accept that it is the way they are and either stay friends or drop them. I chose to stay friends but with no expectations of them.

Jux · 25/01/2012 01:31

I do it because I have ms and I often can't do much. I went through a period of some years where I just refused everything because I couldn't guarantee that I'd be able to do it when the time came, so never went out except to shop. It was idiotic, I know. I am still cautious about accepting invitations/making arrangements but I have to assume that people won't get cross if I can't do it when the time comes, even though I know it's really annoying.

If I were in full health I would not behave like your friend, so I'd have strong words with her if I were you. She may have just got into the habit of thinking that you don't mind.

goodasgold · 25/01/2012 01:59

I'm a bit like that, I can't believe all my lovely friends actually like me. But if one of them bothers to invite me to anything I am there. I'm so grateful that they will be friends with me.

preciousmuch · 25/01/2012 02:15

Reading this makes me so sad. I have long term physical health problems coupled with anxiety. I also have two small children. I never know how I'll feel fro
hour to hour let alone day to day.
I've cried off on numerous occasions, normally physically unable to stick to prearranged plans but occasionally something has come up with one of the babies & I had complications in both pregnancies.
I have felt myself being subtly dropped or left out by a few longterm friends. I don't blame them really but at the same ti
e just wish people would be a little less quick to judge.
I have also been on the receiving g end of this behaviour but 9 times out of 10 I don't really mind as it just gives me time to get on with something else!

Runoutofideas · 25/01/2012 07:21

I am really shocked at the amount of people giving high levels of social anxiety as a reason for this. Are there really so many people who find basic human interaction so difficult? Not for a second am I doubting those of who who suffer with it, I just never realised it was such a common problem.
FWIW the people I know who are terrible at meeting up tend to be the opposite of socially anxious. They are the people who gladly accept every invitation, not allowing enough time for each occasion, so therefore running late/not turning up. (Eg My friend arranged to meet me in a pub for drinks at 8 o'clock, also arranged to meet another friend in a different pub at 7.30pm thinking she could do both - clearly she was late and I was irritated)

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 09:10

preciousmuch most of us that have ditched friends for flakey behaviour have put up with it for years and years. Hardly being quick to judge! You say longterm friends have ditched you so again that wasn't quick to judge either if you had been pulling out of things for years.

There are 2 sides to this and whilst some are saying "well I get anxious", it wouldn't hurt to look at the other person's point of view and realising that perhaps they feel down or hurt or upset or anxious when you let them down. Why is anxiety an excuse to be all me me me and not give any consideration to others' feelings?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 09:11

Runoutofideas one friend I dropped for being unreliable was like that; accepting every invitation going, absolutely intent on social climbing at every opportunity.

TubbyDuffs · 25/01/2012 09:18

I know anxiety can be crippling, but why then not just invite the friends round to your house so that you don't have to be going out, if they are good friends they will understand your reasons for not wanting to go out or being put in a position where you may let them down.

TeaTowelQueen · 25/01/2012 09:33

I have a BIL and his wife like this - they were once due to come for Saturday dinner and stay overnight, I spent a fortune on food for a lovely dinner and then they cancelled well after they would have had to leave their house to get to ours. I was furious and it wasn't the first time they had done this, but now I wait until they call to say they are actually on their way before I pop out and chuck a few things together from the local shop.

All I can advise is either you confront the person and explain how irritating it is and see what happens (she could open up to you) or you learn to live with it and as some-one else said, invite her round to yours for a takeaway and vino, then you won't have put yourself out much if she does cancel.

YANBU but try not to let it wind you up, life's too short to waste on these people! :)

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