Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To hate people who cry off at the last minute?

99 replies

TurkeyBurgerThing · 24/01/2012 13:32

Grrrrrrrr!!! I have a friend who is an utter pain in the arse for doing this. I'll not see her for months, we arrange to meet up then she texts at the last minute saying she can't meet up for some dramatic reason. I'd say the chances of us making an arrangement and actually successfully meeting up are about 50/50.

I've even got as far as sitting at a table in the pub WAITING for her when she text with one of her flaky excuses. Thing is she always texts the night before to confirm we're still meeting up.

She's done it AGAIN today and after I've been rushing about getting things ready for a nice lunch.

I'd never do this to someone, although I'm tempted to try it with her.

AIBU to feel pretty pissed off?

OP posts:

Shushshessleeping · 25/01/2012 09:42

I had to do this with one of my best friends. It was so upsetting but I was sick of the wasted tears when she let me down badly yet again. I was really depressed a few years ago and she arranged a whole trip to a near city to arrange to buy a dress for a night out that we had arranged the weekend after. 2 hours we were supposed to meet up I got a text apologising that she had to now go to the city with her sister instead as she was bored sitting at home.

That was it, cut all contact, didn't text etc. I recently had a baby and she sent me a text asking to meet up. I sent her an email saying that she'd really hurt me and that's why I cut off contact. she replied saying she was really upset about it all and she really missed me.

Basically story end with us being friends, but not as close and when we arrange to meet I expect it to be cancelled and always pick her up so I'm not waiting on my own.

TreacleSoda · 25/01/2012 11:20

Preciousmuch I don't think people are being quick to judge. As most posters have said, they put up with this long term before making the decision to pull away from a friendship.

I am sympathetic to the fact that you have health problems, but I really don't agree that your health problems should be an excuse to treat people badly, and treating people badly is what it is, whether you feel that way or not. The fact that you say you don't mind other people letting you down doesn't mean that everyone else should feel the same. I'd say you are very much in a minority if you don't mind being dropped for something else.

Now, before people jump on me to say I'm being unreasonable, all I'm talking about here is, for example, instead of saying to your friends 'do you want to meet on Wed at x o'clock',when you know that on Wed you might not feel up to it, you ring them on Wed half an hour before x o'clock and say 'I know its short notice, but I'm feeling good today, fancy meeting up?'. I know this isn't always possible, but if your friends are true friends, and they understand your health problems, then I'm sure they will make allowances. And any parent understands that if a child is sick, they will have to come first. Your post made it sound as if you think that all of us who don't like being let down at the last minute suddenly ditch our friends because of a one off emergency, which I'm pretty sure no one decent would do.

ballroompink · 25/01/2012 12:30

YANBU and actually, I think this is becoming a bigger 'thing' with people now. It's a main reason I am reluctent to be the one who organises things, because you know that however many people say they are coming on nights out/to meals/on days out/trips etc will pull out at short notice using a not very convincing excuse. It's especially irritating when it's a 'big' occasion such as a birthday meal out, hen do, weekend away etc.

I just feel as if people won't commit to anything any more, and if they do, are happy to pull out and let people down without a second thought.

ballroompink · 25/01/2012 12:30

*reluctant

argh

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 12:55

I know where you are coming from ballroom. Several months ago myself and another friend organised a baby shower for a friend. When we organised it, about 20 other friends were very keen to come and to buy gifts for our pregnant friend. We booked a table at a local restaurant and gradually one by one everyone dropped out, so on the day it was just me, the other friend who organised it, and our pregnant friend! I woke up on the day of the shower to 4 texts sent by people that had suddenly decided overnight they couldn't come.

Whilst I accept that things do crop up, I do wish that those that probably had no intention of coming had said so before we went to the effort of organising it all, because it didn't turn out to be much of a baby shower and the pregnant friend probably felt a bit meh that there were only 2 others there.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 12:55

I have no intention of ever organising anything like that again!

pictish · 25/01/2012 13:48

preciousmuch - I am going to echo treaclesoda - I'm sorry you suffer from anxiety, but it's no excuse for rudeness. Letting people down by crying off at the last minute is rude, unless it's an emergency. It really isn't all about you!

My husband suffers from severe social anxiety....also called social phobia. He's not excused from being rude, time wasting let down either. His condition does not give him free reign to dismiss others at a moments notice. He is not the only person to consider in a meet up scenario.

Personally, I very much resent anyone wasting my time to suit themselves. I am not a facility to switch on and off when the mood dictates. I have better things to do with my time than arrange to see someone who isn't in the mood to show up, and will only alert me to this fact with half an hour's notice.
Bollocks to that.

ballroompink · 25/01/2012 13:48

That's exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about.

A couple of years ago I planned a day out for my birthday, well in advance of the day (a couple of months). In the couple of days beforehand, everyone pulled out, with excuses ranging from 'I haven't got enough money' to 'It'll be too much hassle to get the train' to illness to the WORST, which was 'Oh well now I have a boyfriend it seems weird going on a girls' day out'.

Spent my birthday fuming.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 25/01/2012 14:41

My 29th birthday, worst of my life. One by one people dropped out, some didn't even let me know and ONE person showed up. Felt such a fool.

DonkeyTeapot · 25/01/2012 14:41

One of my close friends regularly cancels on me. We don't go out, we meet at each other's houses, but it's only when we're due to meet at mine that she "feels tired" or "is having an off-day." I don't drive, so when we meet at hers I have an hour's bus journey home, and it rankles that she is happy to let me do that but can't be bothered to take a drive in her nice warm car when it's her turn to make the effort.

What irritates me more though, is that I regularly cook for her, and she always waits until I've bought food in - sometimes even cooked it - before she cancels. She is very, very fussy, so cooking for her often means additional shopping trips. I have tried to address this by texting to say "Are we still on for tomorrow? I'm about to go shopping for dinner things" but it doesn't seem to have helped, she is always extremely apologetic and goes on about how bad she feels for letting me down. Well don't effing do it then!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 14:42

Grrrrr, donkey I would ditch her, really couldn't be doing with all that hassle only for her to cancel

DonkeyTeapot · 25/01/2012 14:45

Hex you should have seen DP's face the time he had a day off work so made a lasagne, ready to go in the oven when she arrived.... We get on so well when we actually do meet, that I would hate to ditch her, but I am looking at alternative strategies. Like "Yes, would be great to see you, sorry won't be able to offer you dinner that night."

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 25/01/2012 14:47

i've got one of these friends too....
i like her a lot but it does my head in. i now try to make sure we plan to meet in a group of at least three, rather than just the two of us, so my plans are completely ruined when if she's a no-show.

ENormaSnob · 25/01/2012 14:47

Donkey, I think we may have the same friend

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 14:48

That sounds like a good strategy, Donkey.

yellowraincoat · 25/01/2012 14:50

YES. This is my new year's resolution, to never EVER do this to people.

On my birthday, more than 10 people said they were coming - on the night, there were 5.

Tonight we are having a Burns supper - again, 6 people have dropped out.

It's so bloody RUDE.

Jux · 25/01/2012 14:53

Part of the ms is that I get migraines a lot. I have tried to stick to arrangements but if you get a migraine half an hour before and can't see, know that you're going to spend the next 3 or 4 hours feeling sick and exhausted and all that's going to happen is that your friend is going to have to take you straight home, there's not much you can do except cancel at the last minute, is there?

I am very lucky with my friends, clearly. I haven't been dropped, despite years of this. They all know they have an open invitation to drop in whenever they feel like it, even if it's just to use the loo.

Jux · 25/01/2012 14:53

It might help that I make good cakes

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 14:55

Presumably though Jux, your friends know that you have MS and that you get those migraines and therefore make allowances for it? It's not like you're cancelling through flakiness, you are genuinely unwell.

yellowraincoat · 25/01/2012 14:58

So Hexagonal, when someone has MS it's acceptable and when someone has anxiety it's not? Why is that? Is anxiety not a real illness?

awomenscorned · 25/01/2012 15:01

Ditch.

pictish · 25/01/2012 15:02

You know what really really gets up my nose?
Shit excuses that are obviously bullshit. Being lied to.

"I'm choked full of the cold" etc etc

Translated: "I can't be bothered now" or "I've had a better offer"

One couple we have known for years are the masters of the bullshit excuse. The most frustrating part? Most, if not all, of the meet ups with us they neglect to attend, are suggested by THEM in the first place!

I like them, and as they are dh's friends, they're not mine to ditch....but I have zero respect for them. Unreliable, inconsiderate, self serving flakes that they are!

awomenscorned · 25/01/2012 15:03

I had a friend a bit like this, she used to say things like I'm sorry I acn't meet as arranged because my mum has told her friend that we will go round there then.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/01/2012 15:05

My point, yellowraincoat was that chances are Jux's friends are aware of her condition. Many of those on this thread that have anxiety have not told their friends about it, so of course are going to be dismissed as flakey.

And I refuse to believe that that many people are suffering from anxiety to such an extent that is as debilitating as MS is. Yes, some are, but not ALL anxiety sufferers suffer it to a degree that they need to repeatedly cancel and let people down, surely. I do feel that in some cases it is used as an excuse.

Original poster

TurkeyBurgerThing · 25/01/2012 15:11

Uuurgh, how horrible that so many people ave flakey friends like this! At least I know I'm not alone.

I could excuse social anxiety, I guess I would offer to go to their house to meet up if time permitted...but then if they don't let on and just cry off then probably wouldn't feel the need to bother.

Thing is I wasn't shocked at all as the thought had crossed my mind that she would probably cancel at the last minute but when it got to the point that lunch was being prepared and I was expecting her 20 minutes later I really didn't think she'd shit on me. AGAIN.

She was awful for a while, then she got a bit better, now it's started again. I just think she can't be arsed most of the time, like it's too much hassle.

Nevermind. She text me apologising again, but I didn't bother replying.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread