To hate people who cry off at the last minute?

[TurkeyBurgerThing]

Grrrrrrrr!!! I have a friend who is an utter pain in the arse for doing this. I'll not see her for months, we arrange to meet up then she texts at the last minute saying she can't meet up for some dramatic reason. I'd say the chances of us making an arrangement and actually successfully meeting up are about 50/50.

I've even got as far as sitting at a table in the pub WAITING for her when she text with one of her flaky excuses. Thing is she always texts the night before to confirm we're still meeting up.

She's done it AGAIN today and after I've been rushing about getting things ready for a nice lunch.

I'd never do this to someone, although I'm tempted to try it with her.

AIBU to feel pretty pissed off?

You can't possibly judge how bad someone's anxiety is. It is entirely invisible. Comments like "it's used as an excuse" make me feel so bad about myself - that's sort of the nature of anxiety.

One voice in my head says: "I can't go out - I'll feel too bad" and the other voice is saying "you're making excuses because you're lazy and shit". If I push myself to go out, I inevitably feel depressed (to the point of being suicidal) for days afterwards.

But of course, people are just putting it on, aren't they?

have to agree with you - ive just got shot of my so called best friend as she constantly was letting me down for a long long time. Enough is enough and the way that I see is if she really wanted to see me she wouldnt keep cancelling me.

Cant bear this "im so busy" people need to get a grip unless they are high flying women or dont manage to get childcare. We are all busy but we all make a way to get the kids feed and go out

So either tell her how you feel why you are upset that way at least she knows

Would like to point out also - I suffer from anxiety, most of my friends know this. I am careful to arrange things so that I won't be feeling too anxious. It's taken me a long time to figure out what makes me anxious though.

I do let people know well in advance (ie a day) if I don't think I'll be feeling up to it - I would never leave people in the lurch 5 minutes before we were due to meet.

People with anxiety need to take steps to protect themselves and also to try to not alienate others. And other people need to not judge people if they have anxiety issues.

yellowraincoat I am sorry to hear that you feel suicidal at times. I have suffered from anxiety for my whole adult life so I don't for one moment think that people just put it on. But despite my anxieties I do still have consideration for the person I am supposed to be meeting and how they might feel if I cancelled. So many people seem to think they are the only ones with anxiety and that everyone else must just suck it up. The point I was illustrating is that there are two people to consider when a meet up has been arranged, not just the anxiety sufferer.

twincrazy I have ditched a friend for constantly being "so busy" before. It was getting to the stage where she would make arrangements for us to have a half hour coffee 2 months in advance, and then still go and cancel. In truth she wasn't busy, just disorganised and a social climber so if a better offer came along she would be cancelling at the speed of light. She also frequently double booked herself. Not good when you're all ready for a night out and she texts at the last minute to say she'd "forgotten she'd actually agreed to meet X tonight instead"

yellowraincoat I think you've hit the nail on the head about anxiety sufferers taking care not to alienate others. I think that constantly cancelling, being unreliable and thinking they are the only person in the world with anxiety, is a sure fire way to alienate others. There is only a certain amount of cancelling that most friends will put up with. It's easy for you to say they shouldn't judge but others have feelings too, and limits!

I've got a friend too that does this all the time. Either make arrangements and backs out or won't commit. Most of our circle of friends have dropped her subtly.

We know she has had on/off mental health issues and is seeking help, but for some they haven't the time to invest in a 'ghost' friendship. I and another keep contact but meet ups are rare now.

It's very frustrating and makes her a difficult person to be friends with. How can you be friends with someone who will dodge meeting up even for a quick coffee, or decide not to come to slightly bigger things like kids' birthdays. I hate the most that children are dissappointed; and the feeling that you can't address any issue as it is veiled by a phoney excuse.

I just can't grasp if meeting for a coffee is a big issue how do people cope with the other stuff in life, and I don't mean that to sound horrible! Is there something that its essential to go to work/school pickup but not meeting with friends. Friendship is two way effort to me, though I would love someone who does this to give me a different outlook. She can be fun and really good company.

I agree Hex

As mentioned earlier, my dh suffers from severe social anxiety, so do have empathy, but it's like you say "there is only a certain amount of cancelling that most friends will put up with. It's easy for you to say they shouldn't judge but others have feelings too, and limits!"

Absolutely - other people have feelings too.

It's hard to tolerate time after time isn't it Pictish? There comes a time when everyone has to put themselves first even if friends have problems or issues. :)

I do get what you mean, Hexagonal, but you read so many people acting like mh problems don't exist and I really hate it when I read/hear that.

If I am feeling anxious I don't arrange things. Or I go for half an hour, say I'm feeling bad and go home.

But it has taken me a long time to learn this. I'm sure I have pissed people off in the past with my flakiness.

What bothers me is people who I KNOW have no mental health problems making up excuses at the last minute. It's always the same people, and I find that living in London it's much much worse. I know people often have a long way to travel or have to work long hours, but every time I arrange something at the moment I get let down.

I certainly don't believe that anxiety is a trifling matter, but nor would I have any patience for my time being repeatedly wasted, in order to accomodate someone else's.
I don't suffer from social anxiety, but my feelings still count every bit as much as those of someone who does. Their time is not more important than mine.

It's not a case of "Ok, we'll meet at 12, but if you are too anxious to show up, I won't mind"
I will bloody mind!

I thought this just happened to me. I had a friend who I loved a lot but had to cut all contact with, because she kept doing the same.

She would text me constantly about meeting up and then would cancel. I let it go for a long time but in the end couldn't take the disappointment all the time and the feeling like shit (used to spend ages wondering if she'd had a better offer,if I'd said something to upset her, if there was something wrong with me etc ect)

When we did meet we'd have the best time ever, lots of talk and laughter, felt like she was my soul mate. The strangest thing is she lives literally a 5 min walk away from my house, doesn't work and so has lots of spare time.

Got a text from her recently which ended up being a huge text conversation, loads of texts flying back and forth. And at the back of my mind all I could think was - you live 5 mins away why not just meet for coffee!

Yellowraincoat I don't think anyone on this thread was suggesting that anxiety and mental health problems don't exist - I mentioned further up the thread that I suffer from it too, albeit not social anxiety. And it is very difficult to deal with. And I hope you are getting help with it, and that in time you overcome it.

The thing is though, that if a friend cancels on you time and time again, it makes you feel like crap. Totally like crap. It can shake the confidence of even the most secure, confident people, and I echo what Hex said, that there are two people to consider, not just the anxiety sufferer. For that matter, you said yourself that anxiety is hidden, so how do you know that the person you have arranged to meeet doesn't suffer from social anxiety too? What if they have gone to great efforts to force themselves out of their comfort zone and find themselves sitting feeling humiliated in public waiting for someone to not turn up who doesn't intend to do so? It cuts both ways...

TreacleSoda, of course we can never really know if someone suffers from anxiety but the people I know who cancel on me tend to be people I've known for ages and I am 99% sure they don't have it or I would have been told. Considering I'd say 50% of arrangements I make are cancelled, that would mean 50% of people have anxiety - I really don't think that's the case.

I don't think anyone said mental health problems don't exist - I do think a lot of people (not on this thread) do think we're putting it on or malingering - how often have I been told to pull myself together?

You're right, it does make people feel like crap when you cancel - and I did used to cancel a lot of plans, I wouldn't say out of selfishness but because I thought that if I cancelled people would be grateful they wouldn't have to see me. I try not to feel like that any more, but it is my default setting and hard to shake.

Like I said, I don't really cancel on people often (maybe once in the past 6 months) and if I do it's in plenty of time.

Exactly pictish especially when you have been with them/they have told you they are using a lame excuse to bin off someone else. So when its done to you you just know they are lying. Grrrr.

Oh absolutely kerala - the couple I was referring to earlier do it to everyone. We have been sitting with them while they plot about what bullshit excuse they can pedal out, in order to get out of a prior engagement. I have watched them ignore the phone because they know it is someone who wants to finalise arrangements with them.
Then they'll do the same to us a week later!
We'll ring to check it's all still on....and the phone will never be answered. If you're lucky, two days later you might get a text detailing some piss poor lie of an excuse.
Fucking tedious...and if I'm honest - bloody insulting as well.

YANBU I have two very long standing friends that are like this. They are both lovely and I enjoy their company very much when they do make it.

So I accept their tardiness, book them into my diary and if they cancel, try to enjoy a quite day.

Where this falls down is if I turn something else fun down, because they are coming, and then they cancel. So I've got to get better at cancelling them I suppose. I find that very hard to do!

I know someone who does this because she is mentally ill and I don't hold a grudge. I know someone else who does this because she is flakey. I have given up bothering to ask her out but as she is charming and charismatic, she just finds other suckers to use

thanks guys I didn't articulate very well: my anxiety is directly related to my physical limitations & maybe it appears to be 'me me me' but I'm not fit company on a 'bad day' due to the distressing symptoms. I cannot predict these and judging by this thread I guess it's a cross I should bear alone & not try to enjoy a pale imitation of a social life. Sorry sounds even more self pitying and 'me me me' now but this has given me a reality check & a good insight into what friends must think of me.

Can you tell her, when she phones the night before to confirm arrangements, something like "I have no idea whether we're still on. If you don't cancel at the last minute, like you usually do, then it'll still be on. I you do cancel then it won't, will it?" dripping with sarcasm, of course. You could ask her to phone when she gets there so you will know whether to bother going.

Ditch them once, you'll never be invited again :)

precious if you are honest with your friends about the chances of you having to cancel, it wouldn't be a problem. You are obviously not "flaky", you have very real physical problems, and any true friend would understand that and make allowances; I don't think this thread relates to you.

I would think most intelligent empathetic people could differentiate between a person with MH issues who lets them down and a selfish "flaky" type. They are very different surely.

Not really, kerala. That's the thing with mental illness. It's hidden.

I know some people think I'm flaky, despite depression, anxiety, borderline personality diagnosis.

i've got a friend like this, she will just call off if she doesn't feel like coming - if she's tired or had a bad work day/week or a little bit sniffly, or whatever.. in some ways i admire her for not doing stuff she doesn't want to... but ONLY because now i only ever arrange to meet if i'm already going to the place anyway or i arrange for her to come to mine and i cook something that doesn't matter if she doesn't turn up... if she won't put herself out then now i just don't put myself out and it works for both of us.