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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child in car alone

106 replies

yummumto3girls · 23/01/2012 11:19

Right, deep breath, never posted in AIBU so be constructive please!

I have just come back from doing my weekly supermarket shop. As I walked in to the supermarket I noticed a young child sat in a car seat in a car on his own. Not sure how old but certainly below 4. The child was crying. I walked in to the entrance of the supermarket and decided to look back to check if someone had returned to the car, but they hadn't, so I stood for a while longer. I was concerned about the child so in the end spoke to the customer service desk just in side and said I was concerned about the child in the car alone. The customer services lady walked over to the car, the child was still crying, another member of public expressed her concern. The customer services lady then put a call out over the tannoy for them to return to the car. A few minutes later a lady appeared and explained that she could not bring the child in as he "would be a nightmare" and she was doing her shopping as quickly as she could. I said that she shouldn't leave a child in the car alone for that long, to which she responded that she was going to sort her child out and was then going to continue doing her shopping. She annoyed me at this point because it seemed so normal just to leave him in the car, and that he was crying. I said that if she did return to do her shopping leaving her child in the car that I would call the police (probably a little over top of me I know).

Now don't get me wrong, I have 3 children and do leave them in the car when I nip in to a shop, but it is always where I can see the car and literally for a few minutes. Today we were at a main supermarket and she was doing her main shop, whilst small child is in the car. If she had returned looking really stressed I might have had some sympathy and thought she was struggling, but she was impeccably dressed and made up, and talked very calmly. I feel rubbish now for interfering, it is not something I normally do, so was I BU for interfering?

OP posts:

ElizabethDarcy · 23/01/2012 12:23

A neighbour knocked on my door, asking if the parent of the child who was in the car outside in the road, was visiting me/picking up their child (am a childminder). She had watched the child (down syndrome girl of about 5) for 20 mins from her kitchen window, then knocked on my door. I went and checked the child (crying and upset inside the car), and immediately called the police. They were there in 4 mins. The father who had been having lunch (!) with a friend got a warning from them.

Stupid man.

foreverondiet · 23/01/2012 12:29

Poor child totally unacceptible. The parent was lucky someone didn't call social services or police. I would have been tempted (can see from your OP that you were too).

I'd only leave in the car if I could see the car at all times, eg while paying for petrol or nipping into a shop and parked right outside, and even then I'd only be a couple of minutes.

I think it would be ok though above a certain age, eg fine for a 10 year old. Trying to decide at what age it becomes ok.... maybe when they can use a mobile?

Unlike another poster above I think 6 definitely too young for more than a few minutes eg picking up a sibling from school or running in to get some milk ok - big supermarket too long.

Henwelly · 23/01/2012 13:05

DeWe see that is where I think it can get a little grey, DD pre-schooler often falls asleep in the car when I do the school run. So when I get there I watch for DS class coming out then lock her in and go and get him - I can see the car from where his gate is - and the car alarm would go off if she moved.

I wonder whether the police would be cross with that?

PiedWagtail · 23/01/2012 13:17

This is awful adn you def did the right thing. She was being vv U. An under 4 left in the car for ages by himself??? terrible. Either shop online or take him in - he'll never learn to behave in a shop if you don't! I leave my two in the car now while I pop in for a paper (dd is 8) but would never leave ds age 4 on his own at all.

Rindercella · 23/01/2012 13:27

I am nearly 100% sure there will be someone come along in a minute and say YWBU and of course it is ok to leave a small child alone in an unattended car for such a long period of time, because that's how these threads go. But imo, YWNBU - you did exactly the right thing. I am interested, when you told the woman you would call the police if she went back in the shop without her DS, what did she do/say?

I bet your heart was pounding during that confrontation but you really did do the right thing. Well done (meant in a very non-patronising way).

And I can't believe that someone left his small child alone in a car while he was having lunch. Well, I can as I have heard/seen that and worse. But bloody hell, it makes me angry!

kenhallroad · 23/01/2012 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

yummumto3girls · 23/01/2012 13:33

Thanks for all of your responses guys, glad I did it now. When I said about the police she repeated what she had already said, did not want to get in to a full argument so suggested that she go and see to her child. I did not watch her go all the way to her car but did glance out to the parking space she was in (parent and child one) about 5/10 mins later and the car was gone. Probably to a different supermarket!

It is a fine line when you leave them, I would leave my 11 year old but still unsure about 7 year old, definitely not together as they would argue. Sometimes leave 11 year old with 2 year old while I pop in to Tesco metro, but could still see car. Really interesting about school run and the police being called, I see it lots too at our school. Parking is not easily visible from the playground but if you can see the car from playground and be back in a couple of minutes then possibly ok. It really is circumstances, but I would not like doing it. If your child is sleeping there is usually a mum you know that you can ask to grab your child from school.

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 23/01/2012 13:35

YANBU and it may be that she will think twice about doing this in future now that she realises other people take such a dim view of it.

edam · 23/01/2012 13:41

of course YWBNU, this is clearly irresponsible behaviour. Hopefully the selfish/lazy cow will think twice about doing it again now she realises someone might report her.

trixie123 · 23/01/2012 14:05

YANBU in those particular circumstances - which is the key thing really. I sometimes leave DD (8m) in the car if she is alseep while I take / pick up DS into pre-school which takes me out of sight of the car for about 5 mins. I am not keen on it but its a small village and everyone knows whose car is whose etc and there are plenty of mums about who would alert me if DD was crying as they came down the path. I can't ask another mum to pick up DS without telling the pre-school first so can't do it on spec. If she is awake I take her.

mojitomania · 23/01/2012 14:31

YANBU. The poor little mite. I wouldn't like to if she does this and thinks it's acceptable I wouldn't like to imagine where else she leaves him

lollilou · 23/01/2012 14:40

YANBU. Every time I hear something like this I'm reminded of the parents who left their 2 kids in the car whilst they went inside a house to visit some friends, one of the children found a lighter began playing with it and started a fire. The children didn't survive.

jojane · 23/01/2012 14:46

It's so hard with this sort of thing as everyone has a different view of what the. It off point is in both terms of time left in car, distance going from car as well as age of kids and location.
I would leave kids in cAr while payi g for petrol (but do try to pay at pump where possible)
I would not leave them in car whe you going into shop apart for the following ( our village post office where you park outside and everyone knows everyone so people would mention if kids crying and our farm shop (literally a shed in the farmyard so park in yard and pop in.
On the school run I will leav my 1 and 3 year old in car wAtching cartoons if I have parked in car park which is in view of door but wait til I see door open then pop over to get eldest. JFK have to park layby and walk through short path through woods to school (about 2 min walk) I would take kids with me regardless of whether awake etc. likewise I leave any in car when picking 3 yr old up from playsschool as park in carpark (it's in a village hall) and run in and get her but when dropping her off and hav to go in and take of her coat and Welles, find slippers etc i always take baby in as 5 min is too long to leave him o. His own

HairyBeaver · 23/01/2012 14:54

Would it be ok to leave a 7 amd 3 yr old in the car whilst i popped into tesco to grab milk?

Rindercella · 23/01/2012 14:57

Thinking about this as well, 3 or 4 years old is possibly one of the worst ages to leave a child unattended for such a long period of time. They are able to escape but don't yet fully understand potential dangers. I know my 4 year old undoes her seat belt without thinking about it....from doing that she would quite easily be able to get into the front seat, mess about with the controls, the handbrake, open the doors...get out, go for a wander, come looking for me....get lost.

pranma · 23/01/2012 15:07

I worry about this a lot.Every week I pick up dgs1 from school and every week dgs2 [2.11]falls asleep in the car on the way to school.He is much too heavy for me to carry him and he is very difficult to wake and wont walk if he has just woken up.It is a tiny country school in a lane.I can see the car from the plyground but not the car seat.I am gone a maximum of 5 minutes.dgs1 knows to wait as I pop back if he is a little delayed.dgs2 knows where he is and where I am if he wakes[he is happy if that happens].I still worry but cant see a way round it.

NoWayNoHow · 23/01/2012 15:07

YANBU at ALL, and you totally did the right thing. I can't believe she repeated herself saying she would continue her shopping!!

It concerns me a great deal when people behave like this - makes me worry what else they think is "okay"!

babybythesea · 23/01/2012 15:09

Having just popped into Tescos for milk, I've realised I don't yet leave my 3 yo on her own in the car, even for that. I do for paying for petrol (although mostly I pay at the pump). But you can't see the parking well enough for my liking to leave her in the car while I get milk. Our local shop is just as bad (car aprk across a road and not very visible from shop) so she always always comes in with me, although it can be a bit of a pain hauling her out. She has nearly gone through the bad tempered hissy fit stage (mostly... that one will come back and bite me!) at least while shopping - she carries her own list and picks some things off the shelf for me. I couldn't do it - she's too inquisitive and left on her own I'd be scared of what she might do. And I'd feel stressed wondering if she was crying.

lisaro · 23/01/2012 15:10

I think the fact she saw it as normal would have made my alarm bells go into overdrive. I'd probably have rung the police anyway, to be honest. Good on you for standing up for the child, Yumm.

HolofernesesHead · 23/01/2012 15:14

Definitely not unreasonable to do what you did.

The one and only time I left my ds in the car was to go into the small village shop, car parked right outside, to buy some milk. Ds was 6 at the time. As I queued up to pay for the milk, ds wandered into the shop crying 'I miss you Mummy' . So I gave him a big cuddle, paid, left the shop....only to see that he'd left the car door literally wide open and walked across the car park to get in the shop . Needless to say, that was the one and only time.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 23/01/2012 15:22

YWDNBU - I worry if I leave the dog tied up outside the supermarket!

Mum2Luke · 23/01/2012 15:57

Stupid woman! What the hell was she thinking of leaving her child on his own in a car? She would have probably been hysterical had he got out or been dragged out. You did the right thing, I would have done the same. More people should be nosey and do this so children cannot come to harm.

Well done!

No child should be left in a car on their own, I stay in the car with the minded child while my 10 year old son goes in the shop to get some bread. Is that acceptable? I am able to see him going in and coming out

lisaro · 23/01/2012 16:11

Apparently reports of that nature, once looked into, are passed on to social services. And rightly so. Just been informed by sons PC partner.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 23/01/2012 16:15

YANBU the little boy clearly wasn't happy to be left if hewas bawling his eyes out. Don't get the silly woman's logic tbh. Would much rather take a kid inside the supermarket with me than deal with hysterical tears when I got back to the car. I'd feel like shit upsetting either of my DC like that.

Anyway if he was no older than 4 she could have squeezed him in a trolley seat, thereby eliminating chance of him doing a runner. Then all she would have to do is deal with whinging from him.

HolofernesesHead · 23/01/2012 16:42

This thread is bringing back memories of ds aged 1 and dd aged 3, sat side by side in those enormous tandem toddler seat trollies. While I was paying in the supermarket dd was being vile to ds, hitting him every time I turned my back, and a v. miserable looking old man sighed heavily, nodded towards ds and said 'Poor sod, your life's going to be hell, isn't it? You'll be bullied by women all his life...'

Even that was preferable to leaving them in the car, which would never have entered my mind.

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