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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Next of Kin

80 replies

SquidgyBiscuits · 22/01/2012 10:32

I've been married to DH for 2 years, and we've been together for 10 years.

His emergency contact at work is his mother, which I found out a short while ago and asked him why. His answer was that it always had been and he just forgot to change it. I went with him to A&E this week over his cracked ribs (snowboarding) and when they asked for his next of kin he again said his mother.

I'm quite hurt by it and have told him so but he says I'm nagging and gets moody whenever I try to talk about it. I thought marriage made us automatic next of kin to each other, but that isn't the case either. There are no underlying issues either between me and DH or his mother, who I get on well with.

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
ssd · 22/01/2012 10:35

is he a mummys boy (or is that a daft question)?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 22/01/2012 10:36

Bit of an over reaction to be hurt IMO. I think your NOK remains your parents all your life. I've a vague memory of that being true but am quite happy to be proven wrong.

Ilovedaintynuts · 22/01/2012 10:36

YABU to feel upset. YANBU to think he's a twat who needs to cut the apron strings.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/01/2012 10:38

Maybe he trusts her more than you to say "no" to pulling the plug.

[evil]

BluddyMoFo · 22/01/2012 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue · 22/01/2012 10:38

I am with you Squidgy - I would be so hurt.

I think you need to discuss this properly with him. Good luck.

McHappyPants2012 · 22/01/2012 10:39

i am married and my mum is still my next of kin, she knows all my medical history and all the families family history......like GP was diabetic, there have been strokes ect.

make more sense for her to be the next of kin

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/01/2012 10:40

You are his next of kin. If he died today, as his surviving spouse, you'd inherit 'all his worldly goods' with very little trouble. Some people name parents as emergency contacts on the basis that if it needs to be used, chances are both they and their partner are the ones in trouble... kidnapped by pirates or whatever. But, I'm sorry, he sounds like he's not really got his head around the fact that you are his closest family now.

Original poster
SquidgyBiscuits · 22/01/2012 10:40

No I've never thought him to be a mummy's boy. He can't say no to his family, but that's something else altogether.

I asked my GP about next of kin and he told me you can nominate anybody you like. If for example DH died in hospital I'd have no rights over his body or to the death certificate. I wouldn't be consulted if he were on life support and the decision needed to be taken on whether to switch it off, unless his actual nominated next of kin decided to involve me.

I'm hurt that he won't discuss it, not at the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SquidgyBiscuits · 22/01/2012 10:43

Just wanted to point out that his mother knows shite all of his medical problems.

Also it's not about worldly goods or inheriting anything. It's about the medical stuff.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 22/01/2012 10:54

Emergency contact is not the same as legal next of kin. They are two very different things and have separate meanings. I have been through this in the past year so I do speak from experience. Technically you are right to be worried though, since it is the medical side you are focused on. I would like to reiterate the earlier point that DH's mother would still not inherit before you in the event of a death. I'm not sure that the GP is correct about rights to the body or the death certificate though, you might want to check that out. There are rules about who can report a death, so DH's mother may well fall below you in the order for that. In my situation, there was no dispute between the emergency contact and the next of kin, we kept each other informed, so I'm not sure what rights either of you would have in the event there was a disagreement, again check this out.

Parents do not remain your next of kin throughout your life though, certainly not in the UK. If there is no will, the legal POV is that it goes spouse, child, grandchild (etc) and when that line is exhausted, only then does it revert to parents, grandparents and siblings (etc).

Bottom line, you need to hammer this home to DH how important it is that he makes the decision about who to have on his forms. Fingers crossed you never need to action any of this, but if you did, disputes between family members is the last thing grieving relatives need.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 22/01/2012 10:55

I would have though you are his next of kin as you are married, and he has just named his mum as his emergency contact. But I might be wrong. I just thought it was an automatic thing when you got married.

I would be really hurt about this, and I'm surprised others have said YABU to feel hurt. I don't know what you can do about it though. I think he is being an arse if he won't understand why you are hurt about this, or at least acknowledge it as valid if he can't understand.

FredFredGeorge · 22/01/2012 11:09

Firstly YANBU to wonder why he doesn't want you as his next of kin for medical purposes, but you don't have to be - and there's lots of reasons why not, there's no automatic reason for a husband or wife to be the person that is informed when there's an emergency.

Remember in the UK, the next of kin has no real power over the decision to turn off life support, it's the doctors role, and yes they will discuss it with the nominated next of kin, but they'll also discuss it with other family members or people close to them (Both the GMC and NICE guidelines say to do this).

squeakytoy · 22/01/2012 11:13

If you are married, then your husband or wife IS your legal Next of Kin.

FredFredGeorge · 22/01/2012 11:15

squeakytoy Next of kin does not exist in UK law, there is no legal definition, the closest is in the Mental Health Act, but uses "nearest relative" there...

TidyDancer · 22/01/2012 11:22

Fred, squeaky is talking about the legal next of kin, and there absolutely is one. The doesn't just apply to medical situations. The OP doesn't need to be confused more.

Tuppence2 · 22/01/2012 11:28

I am DP's next of kin on his passport and hospital records.
It made sense to put me down as his family all live in Northern Ireland and we live in England. He is not close to any of his family (except maybe his youngest sister) and he trusts me to inform them of an emergency, should it be necessary. Whereas his family wouldn't necessarily think about letting me know if the situation was reversed.
Plus DP and I have had many conversations regarding medical emergencies and turning off life support, etc, so we both know the others wishes.

OTOH, my mum is still my next of kin.

Groovee · 22/01/2012 11:31

When I was in hospital 15 months ago they asked me for 2 next of kins incase they couldn't get hold of dh. I put down my mum.

Original poster
SquidgyBiscuits · 22/01/2012 11:47

I know that in legal terms, relating to inheritance etc that I would automatically be DH'a next of kin as his closest surviving relative and vice versa. So any children we have would automatically go to the care of the surviving one of us etc.

But because your medical next of kin is nominated by you then that overrides the above. As in the hospital ask me for my next of kin and I may say my sister, so doctors are then bound to obey my wishes for her to be treated as next of kin.

Have spoken to DH again this morning. First be was dismissive again, and I explained that it is something very important to me and that as such I deserve a few minutes of his time to explain it to him without him snapping. So I did and he has said he will change it, he just forgot (even though I was stood next to him in the hospital when he gave his mum's name, but hey ho!). I also explained how ridiculous the situation is that I as the potential mother of his children could be blissfully unaware of any situation, whilst his parents would be gathered around his hospital bed. I'm not saying they would purposely not inform me but they can be a bit thoughtless with things like that.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 22/01/2012 11:49

AFAIK, medical emergency contact does not override legal next of kin.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 22/01/2012 11:56

if his mother is more available to answer the phone, and would be sensible enough to then track you down, then she is a sensible "in case of emergency" person.

I'm not a great one because my phone is always off at work and I don't have my own work number. So in some cases my DH will give MY mothers number because it would take one call to her then she would know how to put in the leg work of pinning me down and getting a message to me.

My MIL on the other half wouldn't really know what to do or who else to call if she couldn't get me on my mobile, and might not be as calm, so she would not be a good in case of emergency person for DH

If your MIL would not immediately get on top of contacting you if she was contacted then YANBU, if she would then YABU

Heatherhills · 22/01/2012 12:46

I'm sure the GP is wrong.

missmartha · 22/01/2012 13:12

I'd be a bit miffed if DH told someone his mother was his next of kin. Anyway, I'm his wife so I am.

We both have separate emergency contact numbers, friends who we have asked. We are theirs too. We figured that if we were traveling together and were injured, there wouldn't be any point in having one another as contacts.

If you see what I mean.

MrsHoarder · 22/01/2012 13:22

OP, something you might want to discuss with your DH:

A few years ago I ended up in A&E and being admitted to hospital. Due to DH being unable to be easily contacted that week, I gave my Dad as emergency contact (or whatever they were calling it) because I wanted the hospital to get an immediate response if they did have to ring, not risk having to wait until DH got a voicemail. I also knew that once Dad had been contacted he would get a message to DH asap.

When I was due to be discharged (several days later) it took quite some convincing to the hospital staff that DH was someone who could look after me/get me home safely. They wanted that emergency contact to take me, even though I was an adult with no problems with mental capactiy.

TidyDancer · 22/01/2012 13:30

Sounds like a jobsworth doctor/nurse/receptionist, MrsHoarder.