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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Next of Kin

80 replies

SquidgyBiscuits · 22/01/2012 10:32

I've been married to DH for 2 years, and we've been together for 10 years.

His emergency contact at work is his mother, which I found out a short while ago and asked him why. His answer was that it always had been and he just forgot to change it. I went with him to A&E this week over his cracked ribs (snowboarding) and when they asked for his next of kin he again said his mother.

I'm quite hurt by it and have told him so but he says I'm nagging and gets moody whenever I try to talk about it. I thought marriage made us automatic next of kin to each other, but that isn't the case either. There are no underlying issues either between me and DH or his mother, who I get on well with.

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:

FredFredGeorge · 22/01/2012 13:35

TidyDancer Can you please provide details of what the legal "next of kin" means? There's no such law in the UK - there are various places where a similar concept exists (Relating to Mental Health and Mental Capacity) and there's obvioously the intestate laws if you die where the surviving partner will get an amount of the estate (but not necessarily all of course). But there's nothing else.

TheParanoidAndroid · 22/01/2012 13:39

thats a load of rubbish. As his wife, you would have control over decisions that he can't make, no matter whose name he has given. You have legal standing, not his mammy.

TandB · 22/01/2012 13:43

Typing with one hand as feeding so can't do long post - but Fred is quite right. NoK has no legal definition whatsoever. It is one of those things that has just entered general parlance (like common-law wife etc) and is given recognition by some organisations.

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 13:45

Paranoidandroid

Being his wife does not in itself give her the power to make decisions if he was unable to make them. Neither would being his mother.

OnlyANinja · 22/01/2012 13:45

YANBU - what does he think you would do differently to his mother? Maybe you should have a discussion over what decisions you would (both) like made if you were incapable of speaking for yourselves, and agree what you would do in those circumstances.

TheParanoidAndroid · 22/01/2012 13:48

Next of kin is meaningless in UK law. However medical decisions are referred to the nearest relative, which is the spouse if one has one. In practice, you will find that the wife will be the one making the decisions with the doctors.

MrsHoarder · 22/01/2012 13:48

TidyDancer definitely a jobsworth, I just put it to show that some hospitals may be difficult with dealing with someone who isn't the named contact and that this should be taken into account when choosing who to name.

To be fair, this is probably a safeguarding proceedure gone a touch too far, and which makes sense in some circumstances (thinking estranged or abusive spouse).

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 13:49

Onlyaninja

In the event of the husband in the OP becoming incapable neither the OP or his mum have an automatic legal right to make decisions on his behalf.

TroublesomeEx · 22/01/2012 13:50

My understanding is that next of kin status transfers from your parents to your spouse when you marry. (Sorry if that's a point already been clarified upthread and I missed it - even more sorry if I'm wrong!!)

My DH is my emergency contact rather than my next of kin.

I trust my DH to make any decisions for me based on what would be best for me and what he believes/knows I would choose were I in a position to do so.

I know from bitter past experience that my mum would do whatever was most convenient for her!

My DH is also happy to have me as his NOK for similar reasons.

Perhaps, OP, he just feels his mum would 'do the right thing' and maybe you would to, but without discussing it with him how's he to know?

TheParanoidAndroid · 22/01/2012 13:52

no there is no status, next of kin doesn't mean anything, and you can nominate anyone you like.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 13:59

In this situation eg health,nok is whomever one nominates
And that can be anyone, Not automatically spouse or cohabitee
Staff should abide by whom is nominated, so long as one has capacity,one can nominate any appropriate adult
The nok will potentially be involved in discussion about health, but cannot over ride or block a decision

JugglingWithSnowballs · 22/01/2012 14:05

It seems a bit of a mess to me legally, reading all (some) of these. What if you put different people down on different occasions/ different forms. Would it go on the latest one ? Do they expect people to be consistent ? What about the rights you have from marriage law ? Don't these conflict with next of kin law sometimes ? (by the sound of things) All sounds too complicated, and worrying that most of us don't know where we stand.
I'd always put DH for mine, and us jointly for the DCs. Seems the right thing to do, and right for us personally too.
(Sometimes put others down as an extra contact in emergency too )

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 14:08

There is no statutory definition of nok in health
I would advise make wishes known to GP,get it recorded and carry a nok card
Be transparent to people who your nok is

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 14:30

It is not really a mess legally. The problem seems to be that people are assuming that they have rights that they dont have.

The Mental Capacity Act here (in England) and Adults with Incapacity Act here (Scotland) allow people to nominate others to act on their behalf in the event that they become incapable.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 14:49

Agree not a legal mess,but certain assumptions are made and pass into parlance. Bit like common law wife, there's no statutory rights attached to that

mamadoc · 22/01/2012 15:01

Just to say again that there really is no legal position called 'next of kin'. It seems to be a very common confusion but in medical terms it is literally just an emergency contact number they have no rights eg to consent to anything on your behalf. No-one can consent on behalf of another adult unless you made a specific legal arrangement under the mental capacity act to appoint a deputy. If you are not able to consent it is best practice to consult your family but ultimately its up to the people looking after you to decide in your best interests.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 15:08

For NHS can Nominate your next of kin, you must inform the NHS trust, GP etc

All competent adult patients are asked to nominate their next of kin formally on admission to hospital. This is not simply a contact number but has potential significance, as the nominated person must be willing to best reflect what they believe would have been your wishes in the event of your incapacity or death. It is this person that staff would turn to for advice/guidance/help about your care if you were unable to respond yourself. For example, this might be because you are unconscious or unable to communicate due to illness or injury.

in the event of your death, it is your next of kin who would be consulted about bereavement issues such as making funeral arrangements, arranging a hospital post mortem or organ/tissue donation.

You are not obliged to give a next of kin, but if you don't initially, you can change your mind at any time.

the role of next of kin -Your next of kin cannot consent or withhold consent for care on your behalf. But as your next of kin, their views on what you would have decided will be sought. These views will contribute to the decision that the clinicians caring for you (and who have a duty to act in your best interest) will make regarding your treatment and care. Thus, if you cannot make that decision for yourself, the final decision of care rests with the clinician in charge of your care.

Historically, the next of kin was the spouse or nearest relative of the patient, but modern day families may have a different structure - cohabiting but unmarried, long term relationships but not cohabiting, same-sex partners etc. Your next of kin does not need to be a blood relative or spouse; they can be your long-term partner, cohabitee or even a friend

mamadoc · 22/01/2012 15:16

But don't you think that if such a situation should arise the health care team wouldn't restrict themselves rigidly to consulting only the person nominated on the admission form (I know I wouldn't). It would seem clear to me that I should discuss with someone's spouse unless they had previously made it clear that I should not.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 15:20

Yes, pretty much staff seek info from person known to pt recent health,lifestyle,meds,recent events etc. No one going to sit about not knowing pertinent info waiting on nok rocking up

mamadoc · 22/01/2012 15:29

legal niceties clarified I too would be upset if I was the op.
Maybe try explaining to him using what people have said here that as you know him best (and surely you do!) you really feel it should be you who is 1st port of call.

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 15:33

Surely it is for the OP's DH to decide who knows him best and who should be next of kin.

Either way, it would be more reliable for him to arrange for power of attourney.

mamadoc · 22/01/2012 15:36

well true enough but I would be pretty sad about the state of my marriage if my DH still thought his mother knew him best after 12 years together.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 15:39

Indeed as nok is nominated one should chose reliable adult who can convey your wishes,preferences

It may be just habit that op partner has nok to be his mum, or it may be his genuine preference

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 15:40

Maybe, but it might not be a case of knowing best, but who he thought would make the same sort of choices as him.

Birdsgottafly · 22/01/2012 15:45

You are his next of kin when it comes to burying him and collecting the body release certificate that the undertaker will need to collect his body from the mortury.

You are also his next of kin under the Mental Health Act. Under UK law being married gives you automatic rights.

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