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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Next of Kin

80 replies

SquidgyBiscuits · 22/01/2012 10:32

I've been married to DH for 2 years, and we've been together for 10 years.

His emergency contact at work is his mother, which I found out a short while ago and asked him why. His answer was that it always had been and he just forgot to change it. I went with him to A&E this week over his cracked ribs (snowboarding) and when they asked for his next of kin he again said his mother.

I'm quite hurt by it and have told him so but he says I'm nagging and gets moody whenever I try to talk about it. I thought marriage made us automatic next of kin to each other, but that isn't the case either. There are no underlying issues either between me and DH or his mother, who I get on well with.

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 15:49

No.being Married doesn't convey any automatic nok health rights
Nok can be any capable adult one nominates,not necessarily spouse
Op has already said she's aware of the fact being married doesn't automatically convey nok rights

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 15:50

The MHA does not use the term Next of kin.

In England it is Nearest Relative, and it would be the spouse, but the patient can apply for them to be displaced.

In Scotland it is the Named Person, and the patient can choose whoever they want (within reason), though there is a hierachy of relatives that is used if they are not able/willing to do that.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 15:55

No re mha that not correct birds.pts can nominate a contact and exclude too.this is documented. In mha provision one can nominate nearest relative whom soad and staff or tribunal can approach. There is no nok in the mha

TheParanoidAndroid · 22/01/2012 21:49

it doesn't give automatic NOK rights since NOK has no legal standing. But spouses do have automatic rights. You are conflating 2 seperate issues.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 21:54

Nok doesn't offer any automatic rights mha theres no nok provision
Nok does get bandied about a lot with associated assumptions attached to it,usually erroneously

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 22:06

paranoidandroid

What automatic rights do you mean?

JugglingWithSnowballs · 22/01/2012 22:10

Still looks like a right mess to me !

Notwithstanding, thanks to all posters, especially those who've posted with expert opinion, and excellent links.

When my DS was staying with DGPs for a week he fractured his arm on the last day and had to go to A&E. DM signed herself on admission form as next of kin as DH and her (and me I suppose) had failed to exchange contact info, so hospital couldn't contact us.
( but I thought DM would have had DHs mobile number, or asked for it - I don't have a mobile )
I was slightly annoyed about all of this, but as long as DS was being cared for OK I guess that's the main thing. Smile

Arm was soon mended.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 22:15

It's not a mess,nok is misunderstood and lots assumptions attached to it
The pickle is the common assumptions relied upon,aren't factual
As op found out

ReindeerBollocks · 22/01/2012 22:19

From memory there are spousal automatic rights upon death, such as inheritance. However, I don't think NoK forms part of that, and it may fall to his mother to make decisions over his medical health if he fell ill.

We had the opposite prolblem - When DH was DP (and still fairly new) he put me down as NoK, which when he was taken ill annoyed his mother no end, as they refused to give her any details. We're able to laugh about it now.. Just about.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 22/01/2012 22:20

I have my mother on my passport as I could well be travelling with DH and she's also better in a crisis. I'd rather she got 'the call' and broke it to him. For everything else I put DH.

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 22:22

It isnt complicated, its the misunderstandings around it that make it complicated.

With respect to medical treatment, no adult can consent to treatment on behalf of another adult unless there is a legal mechanism in place eg power of attourney or guardianship. If they arent in place then medical staff may give regard to what family think, but they dont have the same right to choose.

ReindeerBollocks · 22/01/2012 22:25

Cats but they do consult when in terms of donating organs, (which often don't have guardianship/POA in place) then they do consult the NoK.

breatheslowly · 22/01/2012 22:25

I would be concerned that he has forgotten to update things. Leaving aside medical stuff if his work has benefits like life assurance or pension things they often get you to name who you want to benefit in case of death and these could be in your mil's name still. Fine if that is what he really intends, but it could easily leave you and a young family broke (I obviously don't know your personal circumstances) if something happened to him.

ReindeerBollocks · 22/01/2012 22:25

That last sentence was poorly formed. I apologise and I hope you get the gist!

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 22:29

Yes, but donating organs when the person is deceased is different from a medical treatment of someone who is still living. For example a relative would not be able to take the decision to consent to the removal of a kidney from someone who was not able to consent for themselves.

maybenow · 22/01/2012 22:39

it was very daft of your dh to say his mum in a&e when you were with him! if they'd had to put him under for anything then they'd be trying to reach her while you were right there and perfectly capable!

i only put my parents as emergency contact if my dh is unavailable.. i do a lot of emergency contact forms for mountain biking or running races but often dh is either also participating or he's off riding himself somewhere even more remote.

but to give your dh the benefit of the doubt - he did have cracked ribs and probably wasn't thinking to straight at the time!

ReindeerBollocks · 22/01/2012 22:42

Cats but generally the decision is made while the person is still living (although brain stem dead) AFAIK the authority does rest in those situations with the NoK and that is who the transplant co-ordination will speak too.

I am willing to concede in all other cases though.

scottishmummy · 22/01/2012 22:43

in what you describe staff would seek info,and corroboration from all sources and certainly from op.wouldn't be sitting waiting on mil calling before acting

catsareevil · 22/01/2012 22:53

brain stem death is accepted in the UK as the person being dead.

Tigerbomb · 22/01/2012 23:25

When my exdh was on life support and they wanted to turn his life support off the hospital said the decision lay with our children (both adults) even though his father and brother were in the room.

We are burying him tomorrow and I registered his death but the funeral home would only deal with our adult children re the funeral.

Tigerbomb · 22/01/2012 23:28

sorry pressed send too soon.

In all instances, both the Dr's and funeral home said the decisions had to be made by NOK as my Dxh hadn't nominated anyone

scottishmummy · 23/01/2012 08:11

Yes nok is the point of contact for the team and decision making

The situation you describe sounds dreadful tigerbomb,so sad. Hope you all get through funeral not too distressed

fedupofnamechanging · 23/01/2012 10:31

If your dh died, owing money to a credit card company or bank, they'd consider you NOK when trying to get you to pay his balance. So if you have financial NOK status, your dh should accord you the same status when it comes to medical issues.

I must admit, that if my dh told a hospital that his mummy was his nok, while I was right there, next to him, I'd tell him to phone her for a lift home and I'd have buggered off and left him to it!

scottishmummy · 23/01/2012 10:38

medical nok of kin is nominated there is no should have about it...
certainly have the dialogue, why did he nominate mum not wife
but no compulsion to name a spouse as nok.but yes point taken that it is curious and surprising to the op

catsareevil · 23/01/2012 18:18

karmabeliever

If someone dies with credit card debts then thier is no obligation on anyone else to pay. If the person who died has money in their estate then that could be pursued, but the contract is with the person who took out the credit card, no-one else.

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