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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sat here seething about 'D' fucking P?

151 replies

MadWomanAboutTheHouse · 22/01/2012 05:34

We were both invited to a birthday gathering at his friends last night. I said for him to go, I didn't want to faff about with a babysitter for DS so stayed home. It wasn't a late one, they were intending on getting taxis out of town to go to a nightclub, DP said he wasn't going, we can't afford it anyway.

He told me it was possible a few of his mates would be going to the local pub, he said he would phone me if he was or to otherwise expect him at 10.30ish.

He phones me around this time to say he was heading home soon but whilst he was on the phone, his friend said he and his girlfriend were going to the local and invited DP to join. I said I didn't mind, he told me it would only be the one as he didn't want to take money out of the cashpoint. I said fine, went to bed half hour later.

My phone rings at 00.45, I ignore and see it's DP. Can't be bothered to answer so leave it. He then phones the landline twice, knowing he shouldn't do as it often wakes DS so I realise he must be a bit drunk and I didn't want a conversation with DP whilst he was.

Cue 3.30am. I hear this ruckus going on dowstairs, sounds like DP had brought people back. At this moment I'm a bit Hmm and listen out for him. There was no talking but heard DP practically bounce off the walls going up the stairs then a loud thud outside the bedroom. Moments later, I hear light snoring.

Deciding to brave it, I got out of bed and opened the door. There on the landing is DP passed out. I then notice blood all over the carpet and discover he has cut up his hands. I lift his head to see a large lump next to eye coupled with a nice graze. At this point I'm irritates that he woke me up and that he has evidently gotten so drunk, he's fallen over. I realise there is a draft, look dowstairs to see the front door wide open. And a lovely blood and mud trail up the cream carpet stairs. Well now I'm officially livid. Then to top it off my talking to DP through gritted teeth (he's still passed out so I'm more talking to myself) I wake DS. So I go in and settle him. Faced with DP again, I manage to drag him into the bedroom and leave him by the bed. I then get back into bed and after silently raging for half hour finally fall asleep.

About 20 minutes ago, I heard DP stirring. I looked over to find him trying to stand up. He falls into the computer desk, then my dressing table and against the wall. I try to help him, thinking he wanted to get into bed so pull him forward onto it. He just climbed back off and, after much effort, left the bedroom. I peer round to see he has walked into the living room (we're in an upstairs flat) and think he is going to sleep on the sofa so leave him to it. 2 seconds later, I can hear he has finally taken his coat off but then hear the sound of him taking a piss.

I ran into the living room to see him pissing all over his laptop on the coffee table which is now running down and onto a few toys of DS's. I push him to attract his attention but he just turns and carries on pissing all over the rug. So after a few choice swear words from me I lilerally drag him to bed and shove him in. Now he is fast asleep, I've had to clear up a full grown adults piss and now I'm too angry to sleep.

He's going to be too hungover to get any sense out of so would I be unreasonable to piss off with DS tomorrow and stay at my mums with him tomorrow night? I'm beyond angry with that fucking fuckwit to even want to see his face tomorrow.

It's not the first time, it's practically every time he goes out he gets past the point of rationality. This is the worst but not the first time he has come home covered in blood. I'm fed up with it. Cleaning the bedsheets is one thing but to get blood and mud all over our lovely cream carpet... Why? Why the fuck does he need to get in such a state?

Sorry, huge rant but needed to get it out.

OP posts:
newbiedoobiedoo · 22/01/2012 10:41

If you're sure he's ok OP then don't phone him! Why should you? He needs to make the effort here, not you.

It's just my opinion, but the drinking must stop if he can't control it. And that would be an absolute stipulation of my staying in a relationship with him. Imagine you hadn't gotten up for whatever reason and your baby had been playing with his urine soaked toys? Ugh!

HoneyandHaycorns · 22/01/2012 10:42

OP, just make sure he's sober when you talk about the serious stuff - he needs to know that you mean business!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/01/2012 10:43

glad he seems ok, sorry you have to go through this crap :(

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 22/01/2012 10:44

snake..she said herself the relationship is "hanging by a thread" so people were hardly making shock judgments by being concerned about it

warthog · 22/01/2012 10:45

don't phone. his call now. denying it all is a knee-jerk reaction. but don't make this easy for him. he needs to take responsibility. if you keep pushing him he'll go on the defensive. you've got to make him realise that it's a big deal. you do that by waiting for him to make the first move.

fruitybread · 22/01/2012 10:50

Gawd.

I would be more concerned about the carpet than his 'head injuries'. He's got a bump on his head. People get them when they fall over drunk. Bearing in mind he was functional enough, even when still hammered, to stand and walk, was aware enough to know he needed to get up for a piss even if he couldn't remember where, and then have a coherent conversation where he could deny he did any of these things last night -

He's fine. Being this drunk DOES make people much more likely to injure themselves, and badly, too - but the OP is not at fault in not taking him to A & E this time.

This behaviour makes me so angry, but all I can say is - he most likely will do it again. Film him if you can. Sounds OTT, but if he's that bad, you saying 'you did x' and him saying 'no I didn't' isn't going to get him anywhere. And yes, he could stay over at friends if he drinks. It's possible that they might not tolerate him behaving like that - it's possible though, depending on how they drink, they might find it funny, and it wouldn't stop him drinking so much. They might also be less likely to look after him if he gets seriously hurt or dangerously drunk.

Proudnscary · 22/01/2012 11:35

This is all very odd.

MadWomanAboutTheHouse · 22/01/2012 11:58

ProudnScary what is?

I think I've been clear with everything. He doesn't seem to have concussion, just normal hangover symptoms, I can't be around him right now, I'm too angry. He has acted like an irresponsible fuck and I shall be making it clear that if he ever gets like that again, I will walk.

I'm not going to be a doormat and put up with it nearly everytime he goes out. Being away from him will give me some clarity. Do I really want this? I have one baby to look after, I don't need 2. And if he isn't going to behave responsibly when he goes out then I will be forced to reevaluate our relationship.

I shall check on him soon, hopefully he will have slept off the alcohol by now. It's also about the fact that we don't have much money yet it's fine for him to squander money, ruin carpets we can ill afford to replace and damage a laptop that is technically his work station. I simply am not having it.

OP posts:
FellatioNelsonsDog · 22/01/2012 12:01

Good for you OP, and make sure you stick to it otherwise it will become a lifelong habit. It doesn't mean you have to lose your relationship, it just means he has to be prepared to grow up if he wants to save it.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/01/2012 12:09

I should imagine, OP, that Proudnscary finds your DH's behaviour odd. I certainly do. I don't know a single adult who behaves in this way ever.

OldMumsy · 22/01/2012 12:15

Make sure he is OK, I would be worried first and then furious.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/01/2012 12:27

Well - the carpet ought to be salvageable, with the use of a carpet cleaning machine as suggested earlier. Tbh, when your dc is potty training, there are likely to be accidents on the carpet, and in my experience, these don't ruin it (though obviously there's a big difference between a toddler potty-training accident, and a fully grown man weeing on his laptop because he's utterly bladdered).

Whether the marriage is salvageable is another question. I know someone who used to have an alchohol problem - he had several of the signs of alchoholism, but could stop drinking for some time, if he had to (he had a job where he had to be on call, available to go in to deal with emergency situations, and had to stay sober when on call). Eventually he came to the realisation that he had a problem - it was a sort of Magnus Magnusson drink problem - I've started so I'll finish - where once he started drinking, one wasn't enough, and nor were two, three etc, so if he let himself off the leash, he would drink a lot. He went to AA, and has now been sober for over 5 years, and it has made a big difference to his marriage and family life - so change is possible.

OP - I hope you have a good day with your mum, and that you and your dh can have a proper talk about this when you get home, or later on, and he can see how unacceptable his behaviour was.

StealthPenguin · 22/01/2012 15:01

Why is everyone focusing on the OP not answering the telephone?!

If a toddler says "Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mum! Mum! Mum!" only for you to go "What?!" and the reply being "I like dog poo", then eventually you're going to learn to ignore it, because even though there's a 0.01% chance of there something being wrong - 99.9% of the time it's banal and unimportant!

I'd leave. If he's just got a hangover, leave him a very strongly worded letter and leave. Preferably with the condition of "clean up this fucking mess before I come back, otherwise you'll be sucking it out of the carpet".

ArseWormsWithoutSatNav · 22/01/2012 15:30

I think filming it is a good idea.

TapirBackRider · 22/01/2012 16:14

This was my dh about 5-6 years ago. I've posted here before about him pissing in strange places but not about the worst one.

He went to visit his uncle and had a 'quick' drink. That turned into two bottles of wine, and by the time he'd got home, he'd been all over the village, completely guttered because he'd stopped at the pub on the way home for a pint 'for the road' that turned into five or six.

He was covered in blood and scraped up one side because he'd fallen over a wall into my neighbours garden.

The noise he made woke our dcs (6 & 8 at the time), and they appeared downstairs just in time to watch him stagger up the hallway and piss on the electrics, whilst he roared & shouted at them to get to bed.

He then electrocuted himself, there was an almighty bang, the power went out, and he was flung back up the hallway.

The ambulance guys confirmed he had been electrocuted - via his piss. I declined to accompany him to hospital; the dcs were far more important tbh.

He was discharged a couple of days later to his dad's, as I stated that he was not welcome until he decided that his family was more important to him than the booze.

He could not stop drinking once he started. He used to go weeks without drinking anything, but once he had one.....
It was hellish, because he would drink to oblivion, spend everything he had on him, (and sometimes borrow more), frequently returned home without his possessions, and pissed everywhere.

The OP is totally Not Being Unreasonable. I wouldn't have answered the phone at that time in the morning either - more especially with a very young dc, and she is being completely reasonable in leaving him to face the consequences of his actions.

OP - sorry for the length of the screed above, and I hope that everything works out for you in the way that is best for you and your dc.

MadWomanAboutTheHouse · 22/01/2012 16:30

I've spoken to him and it seems, from his injuries, that he fell over our garden wall (shin height) and fallen onto the path leading to the door.

He says he feels slightly concussed, I've offered to take him hospital if he thinks he is really bad but he declined. I went over to see him, he woke up completely unable to remember what had happened. I told him to clean up and I'll be heading home with DS soon.

He said there is no way he will let this happen again, he was horrified at the fact he came in to a house with a baby inside in such a state and is mortified by what he did wrt pissing everywhere.

No more alcohol for him for a while. We both agreed it might be best if we try go out together more often and find a babysitter so that coming in at 3-4am is not possible.

I'll let him off this time, fortunately for him his MacBook is still working. Next time I won't be so forgiving. He thought I had left him and was a bit of a emotional mess when I saw him so fingers crossed there won't be any repeats.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 22/01/2012 16:47

Good luck. I fear you'll need it. When it happens again (and it will unless he obtains support from professionals) please don't be afraid you'll hear "I told you so" and so not post. Acting as his alcohol watchdog is not a long term solution.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2012 16:57

There is an enormous difference between the pee of a little toddler and what comes out of a grown man after a night of god knows how many pints. Every time it rains you are going to get a whiff.

Please, Madwoman, do not lift a finger to clean up the mess this man made. He needs to do every single thing that is necessary to rectify the physical damage he has done. He also needs to come up with a sensible plan about drinking.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2012 16:57

He needs to be the vigilant one and not you wrt the drinking.

ArseWormsWithoutSatNav · 22/01/2012 17:06

Has he said "it won't happen again" before though?

Apologies for being cynical but I hope you make it crystal clear that you'll be off if it happens again.

diddl · 22/01/2012 17:13

If you want to go out with him more then that´s great.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2012 17:15

'It won't happen again' might be the hangover speaking.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 22/01/2012 18:58

My friend's DH does this with regularity. She married him, and so now has it to deal with for the rest of her days.

I can't believe there are people on here trying to make you feel guilty for not checking him over for concussion and for not basically nursing him back to full health. Hmm

I can only imagine that such people are coming at it from a first-time instance, imagining their own DH doing something so out of character and forming their responses based on this.

Not, as it is for the OP, something which happens from time-to-time snd which would wear you down to the bone. A grown adult who has simply got so leathered that he couldn't even negotiate his own self from A to B, falling over repeatedly, and then pissing all over the inside of his home. There was nothing wrong with him except for the fact that he was blind drunk.

And again, not taking his mid-session phone calls - again, not something you'd ever do with your own, normal, functioning-when-out DH, but something that it utterly reasonable to do with a sad case like this OP's DH.

OP - good luck. I think you have the right attitude. I would be beyond livid and not making excuses or fussing over him like some invalid either. Just start preparing yourself for the next time. Maybe not for 6 months, maybe not for a year, but I'm fairly certain it will happen.

lottiegb · 22/01/2012 22:49

I can't believe there are people on here trying to make you feel guilty for not checking him over for concussion and for not basically nursing him back to full health.

Two entirely separate things there and I'm not sure anyone has actually said the latter.

Someone showing signs of concussion can in fact be suffering a brain heamorrage so may never wake up. It's not a trivial condition. Basic first aid training tells you that.

I don't think checking he'd live for another day, before walking out in an entirely justified rage and allowing him to do all the cleaning up and much grovelling, was bad recommendation from any of us - and is what the OP did. He'd spoken a few times and wasn't deteriorating. Leaving someone potentially to bleed to death would not have been so reasonable.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/01/2012 22:58

So a grown adult needs a babysitter himself to make sure he doesn't drink too much? How sad. How about you go out together because you enjoy each other's company, rather than so you can keep an eye on him.

Not sure if you're a bigger woman than me, OP, or a more foolish one.

I really hope he will still be cleaning up every microscopic drop of the mess himself.