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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more than a "thank you" for this?

121 replies

valkilly · 21/01/2012 23:55

Long time lurker, first time poster so am ready to be flamed :)

I have 2 DC, DS is 4, DD is 6 mths. DH plays football at weekends and is gone half the day on Saturdays. At 10pm last night, he asked if I could mind one of his team-mate's DDs (aged 5) today as he had no-one else to mind her. I hadn't met this child before but agreed.

She was dropped off at 12 and here til 4.30 so I gave her lunch etc. The weather was bad so we couldn't go for a walk so I spent the day trying to keep her and my DS occupied, while also looking after the baby. I also couldn't take them out in the car coz I didn't have a booster seat for her. It was a bit of a stressful day, as she was a little bit of a handful and I had to intervene on a few occasions to keep peace between her and my DS. Before anyone says I was being over-sensitive to PFB, I'm a primary teacher so well used to dealing with kids.

When she was picked up her Dad thanked me but AIBU for thinking a small token ( box of chocs, bunch of flowers) wouldn't have been too much to ask?

OP posts:

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 12:39

The thing is I wouldn't ask him to babysit my kids or even one of them, as they don't know him. If it was just a friend of mine, I would have no issue at all and certainly wouldn't be thinking they owed me more than a verbal thanks. I have no probs doing favours. It was just that he seems to take it for granted that other people will mind his kid, and feed her, while he disappears for half the day. I guess if no-one says anything to him, then he has no reason to believe its not the norm to palm your child off ask people you don't know to mind her.

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HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 22/01/2012 12:49

It sounds as though he has a huge sense of entitlement. I would tell your DH not to ask you again as the answer will be no. Even if the other man didn't get you flowers or something he could of at least sent her with a packed lunch or some crisps or something for her and your 4 year old to share. He sounds a total idiot.

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 13:14

Hexagonal I think you're right. Perhaps if she had been a pleasure to have and hadn't put me to any trouble, I wouldn't have minded so much. It was a looooong afternoon and one I wouldn't be too keen to repeat in a hurry :)

BTW in situations such as this when you don't know the child or parent at all, and the Dad asks "Was she good?", what are you supposed to say? I wanted to say "No, she's a little madam" but found myself saying "Ah they had good fun" or something equally cowardly.

OP posts:

pictish · 22/01/2012 13:22

Personally, I would do it the once, happily give her lunch and entertain her....without expecting mega thanks.

However if I had found her a disagreeable child, I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't want to spend my weekend afternoon tolerating a child I wasn't fond of, as a favour to a random.

I'd tell my dh that was the case.

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 13:30

Agreed pictish and have told hubby how I feel so he knows for future reference. Am just going to put it down to one of those things and forget about it. People are different, live and let live, and all that :)

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Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 13:33

Oh and thanks Crabby for your kind words. Here you go

Sorry force of habit with the flower thing. Maybe therapy is required?

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joanofarchitrave · 22/01/2012 13:41

I tend not to give chocs/flowers as I really can't afford them - not even Celebrations (salivates). But I will give a BIG thank you and fix a date for reciprocating immediately so that they know I don't want to take the piss.

'Dad always has her on Saturdays and has to arrange for someone to mind her.' What a nob, frankly. In a few years she can get into the junior team so that hockey is something they share, but for now he needs to press the pause button on this particular hobby IMO. They could do something like judo or tennis together now, for example.

weevilswobble · 22/01/2012 15:21

He does sound a knob. My XH had DCs on saturdays and would arrange to play squash in the time he had them between 10 and 5. Wtf? I have never done loads of stuff because i cant fit it in around DCs, still havent started Pilates because the class is not a good time for DCs schedule. These are the men that women divorce, because they are selfish and have no thought for others needs.
Sad for the children stuck in the middle. I'm seeing your point of view better now. Its not as simple as i first thought.
How can i do a flowers symbol on an iphone?

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 15:57

It's open square brackets-thanks-close square brackets

Quite ironic really, given the thread!!

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OriginalJamie · 22/01/2012 16:04

I'm with you, OP. And I can't help noticing that the people who have been rudest to you are the ones accusing you of not being full of the milk of human kindness.....

HattiFattner · 22/01/2012 16:20

I think there is a difference between doing a favour for a friend, and doing a favour for your partners teammate.

This chap is not, presumably, your friend.

So YANBU. Next time, just say "no, sorry, I am not a free childcare service"

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/01/2012 16:39

I'd bet that any gifts/returned favours will be heading in your dh's direction, not yours. You got a quick "thanks", your dh will get the longer version and a pint bought for him, or whatever.

I'd be expecting my dh to be the one thanking me, actually. He's offered you as a babysitter so he can get what he wants (his mate playing on the team). What's he doing in return? Aha! He could miss next week's match so you get to go to the spa!

What do you do on Sundays? Your dh gets 11 hours a week off doing his own thing while you look after the children alone, do you get that too? Time to take up a time-consuming out-of-the-house hobby, I feel. Just for a couple of months, till he realises ...

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 16:45

Oh I'd love to Hatti but as I didn't get asked directly, I doubt I would get the chance. The dad texted my OH the night before to ask if I would do it. I am sure that next time my OH will wimpishly ask before I glare at him and then he texts back "Sorry mate, she's busy".

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Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 16:51

Bertha Yep you're right. The dad did give OH a lift to the match but I am not sure that counts

On Sundays I spend time with OH and the kids as it's the only day we get time together due to OH buggering off on Saturdays. I am still on mat leave and don't have a hobby so I spend all week with the kids. I was in a choir but gave that up coz the rehearsals clashed with hockey training I was doing my NQT year and was busy.

Now where's that door-mat emoticon again?!

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ImperialBlether · 22/01/2012 16:54

I think he should DEFINITELY have got you something for minding his child at the weekend. You don't know him - why should you be expected to give up your afternoon like that? And the implied question about the drink would annoy me, too!

It's completely different if he was a particular friend of yours. Then, of course, a 'thank you' is fine.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 22/01/2012 17:52

Hmm. Can you arrange some days out for you on Saturdays? Tell dh after you've arranged it, and tell him you know he won't mind staying home and looking after his children that day as you do it all the other Saturdays? (you'd have to make sure he wasn't going to palm them off on some other doormat hockey-wife though).

Or tell him you're thinking about doing a course/club/sport that runs on Sundays, and discuss how you'll manage with not ever getting a day together with the children. And ask what his solution is (if his solution is that you shouldn't do anything and he should carry on being a selfish arse doing hockey every week, hide his hockey stick).

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 18:02

Very funny Bertha. TBH its been this way ever since we got together so I don't know any different. It is different now we have 2 DCs and sometimes I feel like crying annoyed when he has to rush off on a Saturday and it's just me and the DCs on our own. I organise to see friends usually but obviously have both kids in tow. After his reaction when I suggested he miss next week's match so we can get away earlyish, I wouldn't even think of suggesting I have a Sat to myself while he misses hockey. His argument would be that the season will be over soon (early April) so I have the whole summer to do stuff

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Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 18:03

Oh and any suggestions as to where I could hide his hockey stick will be gratefully received

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LadyBeagleEyes · 22/01/2012 18:20

Well if I'd been in that situation I'd have bought you a thankyou gift.
You helped him get to his hockey match, even though he was a complete stranger.
I wouldn't do it again though, he sounds like a user

Hedgeblog · 22/01/2012 18:26

YANBU
I think if you knew the child it would be different but as you didn't I can see where you are coming from.

I would ask your DH if his friend's other half can return the favour next week and spend an afternoon with your 6 month old! Get some quality reading time in whilst she naps

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 18:33

Thanks Hedge. I might consider it if I knew her but I'm guessing that as she is not around on Saturdays to mind her own DD, she's unlikely to be available to mind my DS to boot

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Miette · 22/01/2012 18:34

Send him an invoice for childminder services? Seriously I can see why you are irritated. You probably wouldn't want to dump your kids on him or i would suggest you do that next weekend so you could pursue a hobby of your own! You could ask he babysits your children and then cancel, just so he has time to think about whether he is so keen on the childminding arrangement after all?

Hedgeblog · 22/01/2012 18:35

It's your OH that should arrange it for you surely? He seems quite good at arranging child care for others, no?

SaraBellumHertz · 22/01/2012 18:40

YANBU at all

Mind, years ago my DH's boss asked if I could mind his 4 (yes 4!!) DC's for the day. One day turned into a week. I had my own 1 and 2 year old and we'd just moved overseas so I had no car, furniture or friends. It was shite.

The kids behaved appallingly, moaned non stop about what a crap time they were having and when their mother eventually turned up she barely acknowledged me. In fact as I recall she phoned me, demanded to speak to the eldest and they all trooped out to her car. Not so much as a bloody thank you, much less anything else.

Still pisses me off when in think about it now.

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/01/2012 18:45

YAdefNBU. It's a completely different scenario from doing a favour for a mate. I agree with you that this person has absolutely no idea of what a big favour he was asking you to do. I don't think he appreciated it at all. I would just chalk it down to experience and never look after his child again.

I also think that for once your DH could miss a match. It's not as if he is missing every single match, is it? I agree about the football/sport thing. Ours was DS1 playing football and now it's DS1 refereeing football. As he's under 18 DH still watches the match in case anything kicks off (which it has done) so it's the whole of Sunday afternoon gone.

I hope you manage to talk DH around, especially mentioning the big favour you did him/his team by looking after his team-mate's DD yesterday.

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