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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more than a "thank you" for this?

121 replies

valkilly · 21/01/2012 23:55

Long time lurker, first time poster so am ready to be flamed :)

I have 2 DC, DS is 4, DD is 6 mths. DH plays football at weekends and is gone half the day on Saturdays. At 10pm last night, he asked if I could mind one of his team-mate's DDs (aged 5) today as he had no-one else to mind her. I hadn't met this child before but agreed.

She was dropped off at 12 and here til 4.30 so I gave her lunch etc. The weather was bad so we couldn't go for a walk so I spent the day trying to keep her and my DS occupied, while also looking after the baby. I also couldn't take them out in the car coz I didn't have a booster seat for her. It was a bit of a stressful day, as she was a little bit of a handful and I had to intervene on a few occasions to keep peace between her and my DS. Before anyone says I was being over-sensitive to PFB, I'm a primary teacher so well used to dealing with kids.

When she was picked up her Dad thanked me but AIBU for thinking a small token ( box of chocs, bunch of flowers) wouldn't have been too much to ask?

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/01/2012 08:36

Will you be expected to have her next Saturday as well? And every Saturday after that?

alorsmum · 22/01/2012 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
valkilly · 22/01/2012 08:50

What a difference a few hrs makes - thanks for the replies and for reassuring me that I'm not completely mad to have thought this way. DH was grateful and also understood when I said I might not say yes the next time, as I have no doubt I'll be asked again. He had actually asked me to do this before Christmas but on that occasion I had said "no", as I has friends coming for lunch that day. As I didn't really have anything planned yesterday, I felt I had no reason to say "no" (and did feel like I'd be letting the team down if I had said "no" without a good reason).

Also I have a confession to make, it's not football they play, it's hockey! I changed the info in case anyone recognised me - silly I know. I now feel bad for footballing husbands out there that these two were giving them a bad name. Maybe rugby Dads would know better, but these hockey Dads certainly don't!

OP posts:
Original poster
valkilly · 22/01/2012 08:56

sunny They didn't have a pint afterwards as DH rang after the match to ask should they have showers (meaning and a pint) there or come straight back. I initially said "oh I don't mind" before thinking "WTF am I saying that for?!" so then I asked him to come straight home as I'd had enough.

But late in the day to be assertive I know Blush

OP posts:
pigletmania · 22/01/2012 08:59

YABU a thanks would have been enough, if you did'nt want to you should have told your dp no. I am probably being sexist, I know my dh is like this, and would not have thought of buying any token of thanks, seems to be a female thing.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 22/01/2012 08:59

It might be wise to start telling your DH you might be going out when he is at hockey so that he has an excuses easy if the friend asks again. Where is the kids mother in all this?

pigletmania · 22/01/2012 09:00

I have to remind dh a month before my birthday about my birthday being near hint hint or he would not remember.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 22/01/2012 11:02

I can't believe your DH then had the audacity to ask if it was ok if they went for a pint! How long would that have taken if they had? I would have thought his mate would want to get back to the child he'd left with a stranger, but clearly not.

Original poster
valkilly · 22/01/2012 11:12

*c

OP posts:
Heatherhills · 22/01/2012 11:21

Yabu, surely they can repay you at some point by reciprocating?

Original poster
valkilly · 22/01/2012 11:26

Oops stupid touchscreen phone had a moment!

cook I don't know where the chid's mother is. It seems to be an off/on relationship but the Dad always has her on Saturdays and has to arrange for someone to mind her.

hexagonal Well he asked if they should shower there or come straight back. This tends to be, but not always, followed by a quick drink. Could easily have taken another hour. I normally don't get asked and DH has his shower etc there. I think my DH was just giving me a call to check if we were all ok Hmm

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 22/01/2012 11:29

Wow soooo unreasonable and precious to boot.

Can you imagine if everyone had this ludicrous view? All the dozens of times parents do favours for each other culminating in flower and chocolate giving?! We'd all go bankrupt. The economy - the very infrastructure of the nation - would implode!

But seriously it would be ridiculous. This has quite annoyed me actually.

CrabbyBigbottom · 22/01/2012 11:40

YANBU at all. What you've described isn't a favour that is likely to be reciprocated, or a 'play date', it's you being asked to provide free babysitting for the child of someone you don't know, who palms his young child off onto the partner of a teammate every Saturday. Hmm

Why would you want to spend the an afternoon looking after a child you've never met, and frankly would you be happy to palm your DS off on someone you'd never met? I think that a token small gift would have been absolutely in order, and this bloke needs to get his act together.

Oh, and I think you sound lovely, OP, to give a bunch of flowers to someone for looking after your child. Wink It's a lovely gesture.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 22/01/2012 11:42

I would not expect a gift/token, the favour can be "called in" and then do you bring them a gift? it could all get a bit silly! IMO favours get returned with favours, you babysat for them so you can ask them to babysit

AlbertoFrog · 22/01/2012 11:44

I do wish people would read threads before postiing. He's never going to reciprocate. He's hardly spending any time with his own child never mind looking after someone else's children.

OP YANBU. Not only did you care for a child you'd never met. You also fed them. The least he could have done was provided snacks for you all.

poppycat04 · 22/01/2012 11:44

YANBU, I'd have bought you some chocs Grin

shewhowines · 22/01/2012 11:46

So her has her every Saturday and plays hockey every Saturday.

Wow , that poor child. What a brilliant relationship she is building with her father in their "together time".

ReduceRecycleRegift · 22/01/2012 11:47

AlbertoFrog sometimes favours come back in different forms, it doesn't have to be babysitting for babysitting, can be babysitting for something else, the OP DH an the father seem to have a lot to do with each other so there's still plenty of scope for favours, be it professional advice or work or whatever

ReduceRecycleRegift · 22/01/2012 11:50

why shouldn't the weekend parent have a "normal" life with the DC when they're there!

don't weekday parents always complain that they get the daily grind life with the kids and weekend parents get to be 'good cop'

My father worked/was on call/had hobbies and his life continued when I was at his house, we had a great relationship as I got to see him being his normal self. I still had more quality time with him as I had with my mum during the week who worked longer hours!

Though he should prob get her a regular babysitter so she's not shoved from pillar to post

AlbertoFrog · 22/01/2012 11:52

ReduceRecycleRegift

Very true but if that were the case here I don't think the OP would feel so taken advantage of.

Happy to be proved wrong though.

Proudnscary · 22/01/2012 11:55

I would never expect a present for looking after a child, however regular - if I resented it I would simply not do it and find a diplomatic way to decline, but I wouldn't want 'payment'.

Bizarre.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 22/01/2012 12:00

maybe the OP wants to be rewarded in her own right but the father sees the couple as a unit where if the wife does him a favour then he does a favour for the husband it's even?

she might not even be aware of favours the father has done for her DH?

I think its too early to be annoyed, if it was a regular thing and there was never any willingness to help in anyway back over time then okay, but at this point I wouldn't feel put out, however it would not be UR to decline in the future simply because it was so hard! and then maybe it might prompt the father to get a set up where the child has more continuity in their babysitters

Lueji · 22/01/2012 12:08

I'm with hexagonal.
OH would owe me big time!

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 22/01/2012 12:28

YANBU. A small token of appreciation for your time would have been a courteous gesture. As you have made very clear, the father is not a friend of yours, and you did him a favour. If the father had been a friend of yours then maybe a simple 'thank you' would have sufficed. Seems that good manners are not important to some people.

OnlyANinja · 22/01/2012 12:30

Rather than chocolates, how about a favour in return? This father could hardly say no if you asked him to do an equivalent period of babysitting one week quite soon.

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