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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more than a "thank you" for this?

121 replies

valkilly · 21/01/2012 23:55

Long time lurker, first time poster so am ready to be flamed :)

I have 2 DC, DS is 4, DD is 6 mths. DH plays football at weekends and is gone half the day on Saturdays. At 10pm last night, he asked if I could mind one of his team-mate's DDs (aged 5) today as he had no-one else to mind her. I hadn't met this child before but agreed.

She was dropped off at 12 and here til 4.30 so I gave her lunch etc. The weather was bad so we couldn't go for a walk so I spent the day trying to keep her and my DS occupied, while also looking after the baby. I also couldn't take them out in the car coz I didn't have a booster seat for her. It was a bit of a stressful day, as she was a little bit of a handful and I had to intervene on a few occasions to keep peace between her and my DS. Before anyone says I was being over-sensitive to PFB, I'm a primary teacher so well used to dealing with kids.

When she was picked up her Dad thanked me but AIBU for thinking a small token ( box of chocs, bunch of flowers) wouldn't have been too much to ask?

OP posts:

DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 22/01/2012 00:43

Xpost Titanic

The OP could ask though, and he may feel obliged to return the favour

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 00:44

Hexagonal Yep that's exactly how it is. TBH I felt sorry for the poor kid so think that's why I was annoyed by his casual "Thank you"

And don't get me started on DH's feeling that he has a divine right to go training 2 nights a week for 3 hrs and then bugger off for the best part of the day every Saturday. We are going overnight to a hotel for 1 night next week while my sis is babysitting the 2 kids (first time since DD was born) and he wants to play his match before we go. FFS I was looking fwd to spa treatments and he wants to get there in time for dinner!

OP posts:

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 00:48

LeBof Feedback appreciated. I will work to improve my AIBU credentials for future postings ;)

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 22/01/2012 00:49

I reckon your DH should be buying you a thank you present, valkilly!

My DH used to have a hobby he did all the time and I got thoroughly fed up, so I totally sympathise. I got fed up with having to manage the DCs single-handedly all weekend then when he got in he'd be tired and just fall asleep in the chair. He doesn't do it now though as I said to him that I was fed up with him assuming I would provide childcare and that from then on I was going to match him hour for hour of time he had for himself, and take myself off on a holiday, on my own, once every couple of months to re-coup my "owed" time. I think you should just go ahead next weekend and go when you want to go, and enjoy the spa treatments. Let him make his own way there afterwards but don't let him make you miss something you'd enjoy so he can do what he wants yet again.

luasgirl · 22/01/2012 00:56

Next time I'll say no.. Are you for real? What's gone wrong with the world that you can't do some-one a favour without expecting something in return. And going on about 'implied pressure'-seriously, get a life. Being nice is not about giving friends over the top thank you gifts to reassure them of your niceness. It's about putting yourself out just a little bit to do something good.

AgentZigzag · 22/01/2012 01:07

'Being nice is not about giving friends over the top thank you gifts to reassure them of your niceness.'

I thought it sounded more like the OP was feeling guilty for asking her friend.

I would see it more as her doing me a favour to let me look after her baby for a while

clam · 22/01/2012 01:13

luasgirl but it wasn't the OP's friend. It was a team-mate of her DH's. Why is it her responsibility to enable him to pursue his hobby? She barely knows him, and had never met his challenging child before.

This obsession that all some men have with football annoys me intensely. The world has to revolve around it. Stick to your guns about the spa weekend. Or go by yourself Saturday lunchtime and spend a fortune on treatments to occupy yourself until he deigns to join you.

AgentZigzag · 22/01/2012 01:17

I'm with you on the fuckwittery that is football clam, but the OP did her DH (ultimately) a favour of her own free will.

Nobody said it was her responsibility, she could have said no.

And how many of other peoples children have you met who aren't challenging when their parents aren't there? Eh? Bet you it's not many.

perfumedlife · 22/01/2012 01:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable op. Surely dh's team mate must have known that you felt you had little choice but to look after his dd, short notice and pressure and what not? Decency would ensure you knew it was a big ask and would want to express gratitude. A quick stop at a petol station and a box of chocolates is the least he could have done. It's not like he is ever likely to repay the favour for you is it? If I felt I couldn't repay such a big favour to a relative stranger i would definately want to proffer some chocs or wine.

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 01:25

I don't know DH's team-mate - today was the 1st time I had met him properly so Its prob unlikely that I'll ever ask him to return the favour. I also didn't buy my friend the flowers to reassure of my niceness, but because I genuinely was grateful she had done me a favour. I have only got to know her recently and was touched by her generosity in stepping in at short notice. I never really analysed myself in that way before luasgirl but maybe there is something there for me to think about.

On DH, yep the hobby thing is a bone of contention but he did have to stop playing for 2 yrs while I retrained as a teacher. We only had DS then and I wasn't gone every weekend, but still. I try not to let it get to me but sometimes wish he would put us first. Can't imagine heading off on my own next weekend - not if I expected him to follow me, at any rate!

Thanks to all who have replied :)

OP posts:

Original poster

valkilly · 22/01/2012 01:27

Oops x post there perfumedlife

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 22/01/2012 01:44

Or great minds think alike

ll31 · 22/01/2012 01:50

I can't see how if you agree to mind a child for lets face it not a huge amount of time, that you expect a present at the end ? Sorry really don't get your point of view at all

perfumedlife · 22/01/2012 02:12

II31 I don't think it's that you expect a present, no one needs a present after all. It's more that, you would think the person would be appreciative that someone kindly agreed to care for their most precious child at short notice (despite having a four year old and a six month old baby) and would naturally want to show that gratitude. They are unlikely to reciprocate after all. It's very easy to say thanks. Stopping for a token gift just shows that you really mean to thank them.

Lots of threads on here in the past where posters have bailed out friends/neighbours where plenty have commented they hope the friend handed in a bottle of wine/cake. Is this different because it's for the boys ...

ll31 · 22/01/2012 02:17

nothing at all to do with it being "for the boys" - just think the op said yep I'll look after the child for a few hours - and now is annoyed cos she wans't thanked enough ??? Genuinely dont' get it - if she didn't want to mind child she could/should have said no. In my opinion you don't do stuff for thanks and gifts - you do stuff if you want to - that includes sometimes doing things because you feel you should, because its helpful to someone, good thing for community etc.

DodieSmith · 22/01/2012 02:26

It is only acceptable to have your child looked after by someone they've never met if it is an emergency,. I'm pretty sure that's a fact.

nooka · 22/01/2012 02:39

But if you do someone a huge favour, and looking after a child who you have never met before when you have two children including a small baby to look after on your own for four and a half hours, is in my eyes a huge favour, then it is not unreasonable to expect the other person to recognise that.

From the OP's account it sounds as if rather than being really grateful he was totally casual about it, perhaps because he is used to being accommodated by other 'football wives' (poor kid getting palmed off to strangers every week, no wonder she's a bit of a handful). I must say that I would feel a bit peeved too. I hope that your dh was appreciative though valkily?

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 22/01/2012 02:40

Just a thought but what are you going to say next time? It does sound like this won't be the only time you get asked to do this.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 22/01/2012 02:44

YANBU. Time is a precious commodity and your babysitting could have been rewarded with a small box of chocs. I always give wine or chocs if someone does me a childcare favour. Common courtesy IMO.

PinkFondantFancy · 22/01/2012 03:12

A box of choccies would have been polite IMO. it was a whole afternoon and I'm sure you've got better things to do than mind someone else's DC. YANBU

IdontknowwhyIcare · 22/01/2012 06:10

YANBU. I'm bloody sure I wouldnt be happy at having my weekend plans disrupted. No doubt your DH had no idea what you had planned for you and the children, what with him being out every weekend playing football.
Why would I want to mind a child I dont know for a person I dont know when its not an emergency. OK I (you) did it because it keeps the peace in our (your) household. However that does not excuse the feckless footballer from not offering more than a thank you. Clearly he doesnt understand grateful.

Explain it clearly and consicely to DH, and then advise DH you will be having spa treatments and he can come with you or join you later. YAdefNBU. Good luck.

empirestateofmind · 22/01/2012 06:30

YANBU Valkilly, you were taken advantage of by your DH. He didn't realise what an ask it was because he didn't think it through.

DH's mate won't be asked to return the favour because as others have said normal parents only ask a stranger to look after their children in an emergency.

DH's mate's casual thank you and lack of manners have shown that he doesn't appreciate what you did. He hadn't met you before yet treated you like an old friend- which was not appropriate.

Thoughtlessness from DH and a disappointing attitude from his mate.

Lesson learned- say no next time.

Perhaps you would have got better manners from a rugby player .

weevilswobble · 22/01/2012 06:38

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Its friends isnt it? This is what we do in a civilised society. He said thank you. He knows he owes you one, but what may happen is that DH sees the favour back in some form, but you and DH are a team. You work together and by helping his mate out you were supporting your DH.
Asking for and returning favours builds societys bonds.

YusMilady · 22/01/2012 06:46

What I see is a load of women dancing around to accommodate their selfish arse husbands so they can play football. Can't believe people are giving the OP a hard time. This isn't about 'society's bonds' ffs - this is men dodging their responsibilities. Again. OP, your DH's friend should be putting his daughter above him being vice captain of the fucking football team. Don't enable him by stepping in again. You can guarantee he isn't agonising about this on an online forum.

sunnydelight · 22/01/2012 07:26

He probably bought your DH a pint to say thanks and thought that was sufficient

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