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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this Mums group.

85 replies

redvelvetcake · 20/01/2012 18:23

I'm expecting my second DS in march and have joined a playgroup for children born between October and march.

I've taken DS1 to the first one. He's 13 months and has just learnt about biting people. It's not great, but the doctor has reassured me that it's a phase that will pass. He accidentally bit a baby's hand on the first playgroup. I apologised profusely and kept him away as much as I could from the other babies. He's not aggressive. He's a happy, interactive baby.

But now one of the mums has rung to talk to me about her concerns about my ds's behaviour. And how it doesn't create a safe environment for the babies. AIBU to be annoyed and not to go back?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 20/01/2012 18:26

Not at all unreasonable to be annoyed but don't let her actions stop you from going back if you have otherwise enjoyed the group.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2012 18:28

Dear god to they have playgroups now that are that specific? Shock

I wouldn't let her stop you going back

But then again, I wouldn't bother taking a baby to a playgroup anyway.

belgo · 20/01/2012 18:30

Difficult one. I can see both sides.

Two things bother me about your post:

You say he 'accidentally' bit a baby's hand - was it really an accident, or did he go up to the baby, and deliberately used his mouth to bite?

'kept him away as much as I could from the other babies. '

How much is 'as much as you could'?

If he is going through a biting baby phase, you need to guarantee that you will keep him away from the other babies.

Did the mum who rung you, have other concerns?

If you don't want to go back, then don't.

KittyFane · 20/01/2012 18:32

YANBU to be annoyed but go back and put it behind you and ignore any future calls from this woman

LynetteScavo · 20/01/2012 18:32

I'm sure the other mum would love you not to go back. Did she offer any advice on how to handle your DSs behaviour, or just say it didn't create a safe environment for the babies?

I suspect she has only a tiny baby....one day she will probably have a new born and a toddler, who pulls hair and bites and screams when toast isn't cut into squares/ triangles (depending on which is in fashion this week) That'll learn her.

Was the baby badly hurt?

This wouldn't happen to be an NCT group, would it?

YANBU to be annoyed and not go back. But I hope you can find somewhere you feel comfortable. Having DC 15 months apart is hard work, so I hope you can find a supportive group.

If you decide to not go back to this group, I think you should write to them explaining why you didn't return.

LynetteScavo · 20/01/2012 18:33

Initially I had the same concerns as belgo, but then re-read a realised your DS is 13 months old and you are 7 months pregnant.

saturdayescape · 20/01/2012 18:35

As much as you could is not good enough, you need to be DS's shadow until this phrase passes. However the other mother was BVVVU to ring you about it. Shock At the end of the day, you baby is just that a baby, this will pass.

belgo · 20/01/2012 18:35

'but then re-read a realised your DS is 13 months old and you are 7 months pregnant'

yes I noticed that and it is hard work. I had my first two babies close together, and my first one was walking at 10 months and had to be watched constantly. But that is all part of the territory. Totally exhausting I know, but still all part of the territory.

EmilyStrange · 20/01/2012 18:35

YANBU, she sounds like an unreasonable bitch.

saturdayescape · 20/01/2012 18:36

Ditch the bastard(s) Wink

floradora · 20/01/2012 18:38

YANBU - my DD went through a phase of grabbing faces or scratching when she was about that age and I left playgrounds in tears a few times due to the reaction of other precious parents, - I would apologise profusely myself, insist my DD apologise, take her off play equipment for a time-out...still some Mums would trot after me saying "but she scratched him" ....
It used to really upset me so I do sympathise, she is BU to ring you up about it and I totally agree with LynetteScavo, one day this woman's DC will bite/hit/ scratch/kick a child and she will hopefully remeber how she treated you and hang her judgey head in shame!

belgo · 20/01/2012 18:44

If you do have a child who bites/scratches, you really do need to watch them like a hawk and preempt them from doing it. That means all the time, shadowing them, like another poster says. Biting and scratching is extremely painful and can lead to infections like impetigo.

kerala · 20/01/2012 18:49

Dd went through a dreadful hitting phase at that age it was awful she would go up and lamp other children for no reason (hard to believe she is now a quiet intelligent and thoughtful 5 year old who would more likely fly to the moon than hit anyone). It was upsetting I stopped going to playgroups for a while. You don't have the luxury of sitting down a chatting if your DC are hurting other children as you literally have to trail around after them so going to these things is just stressful. It does pass though.

Sidalee7 · 20/01/2012 18:51

I think the mum was BU to call you after your first session.

But, not all 13 month year olds bite - not being precious but I know only a couple that did. I used to get pretty hacked off when my dc's looked like they had been a few rounds with Tyson after having their faces scratched and grabbed. Altho I would just smile sweetly to the mum and say dont worry about it - because it must be really, really hard if your baby does.

Original poster
redvelvetcake · 20/01/2012 18:52

This is a new playgroup that I have joined. I go to another one where the children are as old as my DS. The other kids there pull each others hair, and some have bitten him. And to me it part and parcel of him learning. When he does it, I am firm with him and tell him no. I don't ignore him. I do watch him carefully and see what he is doing. But I don't see everything, like in this instance. But to tell me that it's not a safe environment with my son there, I thought was a little OTT

OP posts:
floradora · 20/01/2012 18:53

Thank you for your parenting advice Belgo. I will bear your very wise advice -judgement in mind and tell off any mother I see who is not watching her child like a hawk. Nobody is saying it's fine to bite or anything it's just not always entirely practicable to be within 6inches of an active lively child and believe it or not these things will happen. That doesn't mean we condone them, or think the OP is BU to feel annoyed, by a critical and unsuuportive woman.

belgo · 20/01/2012 18:54

To be quite honest, if your 13 month old baby bites another baby, then you do need to watch him ALL of the time. Not just most of the time. It is possible to preempt biting.

saturdayescape · 20/01/2012 18:55

Look if another child bites your new baby because they were chatting not watching, how would you feel. It must be really hard to have a baby and be heavily pregnant but its your choice. You have to follow Ds round or give groups a miss at the moment.

floradora · 20/01/2012 18:56

Gaffer tape? Silence of the Lambs type headgear?

belgo · 20/01/2012 18:58

No it's not always practical to be within 6 inches of a lively active child, but I managed to do it, many parents manage to do it. I have seen a creche worker stop a child biting another child by preempting what was going to happen, and she was in charge of 7 children at the time.

kerala · 20/01/2012 19:02

Yep sorry agree with Belgo. If you have a biter or a hitter you have to be there stopping it before it happens your days of a coffee and a chat are temporarily over.

Original poster
redvelvetcake · 20/01/2012 19:04

Oooh, silence of the lambs headgear! Sounds like just what I need!!

I'm not belittling the fact that it's not nice to see your child bitten by another. I definitely do not think its acceptable behaviour from my DS. And I do tell hin off at every opportunity. But to be told that if my DS does it again, something will have to be done about it?! FGS, he is a child not a delinquent.

OP posts:
Bearcrumble · 20/01/2012 19:06

"I go to another one where the children are as old as my DS. The other kids there pull each others hair, and some have bitten him. And to me it part and parcel of him learning."

No. That's not normal playgroup behaviour. My son is nearly 2 and has never been bitten or bitten anyone else. There is one child who pulls hair and her mother watches her and (usually) manages to take her hand awaybefore she can get a handful of hair. If a child hits, bites or pulls hair it is very unusual.

Obviously there are tussles over toys - pulling and grabbing the toy itself but I hardly ever see a child go for another one.

TidyDancer · 20/01/2012 19:07

This is exactly why I hate these type of groups. There's always one power tripping idiot who takes it upon herself to police the group.

OP, watch your DS, but don't pander to the whim of that silly woman. You should not be driven from the group by her.

natation · 20/01/2012 19:07

i work in a nursery and for the children who bite (yes it's common but behaviour seen in a minority of children), we have to protect the other children from this by shadowing the biters at ALL times. Sometimes the biters are predictable and we can pre-empt and stop them from biting before the mouth opens, sometimes they are not so predicable which is why they need constant monitoring. Maybe once a month we fail in our task and a child ends up biting another. We are strict and consistent among the staff and remove the child, no matter what their age, 1 or 3 years old, the 3 year olds get appropriate "sanctions", the 1 year olds get to be removed for a few minutes with a firm NO, we deal with the person who has been bitten, then we return to the biter and put them back to play once they have calmed down. From what I can see, biting is almost always the result of a child's inability to communicate their feelings verbally, like a basic human reflex even to protect / react.

So for the OP, I would say you unfortunately have to accept whilst your child is biting, your eyes must remain on them at all times when near other people's children.

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