To be annoyed by this Mums group.

[redvelvetcake]

I'm expecting my second DS in march and have joined a playgroup for children born between October and march.

I've taken DS1 to the first one. He's 13 months and has just learnt about biting people. It's not great, but the doctor has reassured me that it's a phase that will pass. He accidentally bit a baby's hand on the first playgroup. I apologised profusely and kept him away as much as I could from the other babies. He's not aggressive. He's a happy, interactive baby.

But now one of the mums has rung to talk to me about her concerns about my ds's behaviour. And how it doesn't create a safe environment for the babies. AIBU to be annoyed and not to go back?

I wonder what the mum who called you would suggest you do? Maybe a bit PFB? No blood and no stitches means chalk it up to experience in my book. It sounds like you're already watching him closely and trying to keep some distance between him and the smaller babies - not wandering off looking in the opposite direction / too engrossed in your chat. What else can you actually do?

I am also the proud owner of a very determined child who can move at lightning speed. He has previous for kicking and scratching, but so far only me, and only when he's having a temper tantrum. I always tell him off firmly, but he is simply too young to understand an instruction and change his behaviour whilst he is already beyond himself with rage, so it doesn't work. Once he is calm i explain it to him again. I live in hope that it might sink in.

I am waiting for the proud day when he learns about biting other children......

You can up your guard, you can hover over them, but unless you physically restrain them and never allow them to play with their peers you cannot be 100% sure it won't happen. You can prevent maybe 90% of incidents with a long arm and a close eye but not 100%.

Don't let her put you off unless she has some miraculous suggestion that might work - in which case please tell us what it is so we can do it too!

The other woman sounds like a silly bint but you do have to stay within 6 inches of your child if he is a bit around other children and especially babies. DS1 was a hitter and I had to do it whilst pregnant with DS2, though in the end I worked out that he was basically telling me he found other children too stressful at that point and stopped going to any kind of group for a few months until he grew out of it.

If, at the age of 13 months, he has already been bitten by 'some' other children (more then one? how many children have bitten him?) then I imagine he is not learning good behaviour from that other playgroup.

1. How do you accidentally bite someone?

2. How is a biting child not aggressive?

3. In what type of playgroups is it normal for kids to be hitting and biting each other all the time? I went to playgroups with dd for 3 years 2 or 3 times a week and I think she was hit once or twice in that whole time. Yes it happens but it's not wash-your-hands-of-it inevitable.

DD never went through a hitting/biting phase but DS did at about the same age and I'm afraid you do have to be at arms length of your child until it is over.

If another mum has phoned to say she is concerned she is either massively overreacting or you are massively downplaying what has happened. Reading between the lines of the op it looks like the latter to me.

So did he bite a sibling or one of the babies born Oct-Jan? Are you the only parent who brings another child? (I get that you only have the one now, just wondering if the rest of the group have other children that also attend?)

Hang on, if this is a group for young babies is your ds supposed to be there? If not then they kind of have a point...every baby group i've gone to thats for very young babies hasn't welcomed older siblings. .

OP, if you have another group to go to, then go there instead. If he bites again, then you'll have to be vigilant, but until then please just relax. If the people at the first place are like this and he's only 13 months ffs, then they'll be like this whatever happens.

When ds was about 18 months, he bit another child at a playgroup, it was the first (and only time) he'd done it. There was much drama, tut-tutting, I apologised over and over and eventually, the supervisor said we ought to go for the day. I went off and cried

I decided to continue going to this place and for the following two years of attending that group, did watch him like a hawk, every second. It is a feeling that has never left me, even now and he is 9yo, that I must watch every move, at least so I can see what happens before he's accused. I don't think that's a good thing and I wish we'd gone elsewhere.

And to add; a year later another child bit him; the supervisor said 'now he'll know how it feels'.

Let me clarify, when I said in another playgroup there is biting etc. what I meant, is that he has been bitten by another child, he has had his hair pulled. But my reaction was not this extreme. Maybe it is just me who doesn't think something has to be 'done' about the child who attends. My DS has just started biting. I do take him away from the situation, tell him off and I DO always watch him. But I am not infallible. Sometimes my eye does goes off him for a minute or so if another mum is showing me something.

I haven't down played the situation. I was mortified when it happened, apologised to the mum it happened to and she was fine with it. I am NOT condoning what DS did nor using the fact that I am pregnant as an excuse that I didn't watch him carefully enough. I slipped up.

But the reaction is what has surprised me. He bit a child who was born in October. I was not happy with DS and apologised to the mum. I don't just leave my DS to his own devices while I sit about.

Ah I have an example of accidental biting

Ds got biten at nursery accidentally. mind you that's what happens if you stick your finger into the mouth of a 1 year old who is yawning!

The fact you have said he's not aggressive (when clearly during this phase he is) and that he 'accidentally' bit someone makes it look like you are looking at the situation through rose-tinted spectacles.

Ah that's what I thought - from my experience it''s always easier to accept your child getting bitten/hair pulled/ when it's by a child of a similar age.

Are you the only one who brings an older child? I'd assume that a group that specific re dates of birth would be a sibling free zone. The young baby groups round here don't allow any siblings or DC older than 12 months.

I don't think you can be expected to watch your child 100% of the time, but you should be aiming for at least 90%.

The Mum was being over the top, but to be fair, if someone allowed their toddler to be so unsupervised that they bit my three or four month old PFB, I wouldn't be happy either.

You should have been watching more closely when your ds was next to a small baby. You still only have one, it could be forgiven if your dc2 had been born as it is hard to watch two, but it's not that hard to watch one.

There are other children there as they said siblings are welcome. But they are 3,4,5 years old. I guess maybe I should just keep him with other toddlers his own age. Its the first time he has done something like this and hopefully, the last if I have anything to do with it!

Can a 13 month old be aggressive? Can a 13 months old intend to hurt another child? I don't think so. DD went through a hair pulling stage at 20-24 months. Obviously I said a firm no, and removed her immediately from the situation (when I could) but she did it because she wanted the toy the other child had and didn't have the skills to ask for it nicely. Thankfully she has now developed excellent social skills.

Maybe the question is; at what age is biting another child a reason for them to be socially excluded? DS1 was bittle very hard on his fore arm in Y3. He had a bruise for several days, and he had been bitten through his coat. I didn't follow this up. Knowing what I know now, and how precious every body else is, I wish I had. (He did show his class teacher, who asked him to go and tell the class teacher of the girl who had bitten him.So he went to the classroom, and tried to explain, but the other teacher shouted at him. He had no idea what she said because she was shouting. The matter was never resolved. My life that school was horrid.

Sorry. Rant over.

I think you should stop going to the other playgroup where he has been bitten by more than one other child, that is not normal, I have very rarely seen children bitten at playgroups.

It is realistic to keep a 13 month old biter within your arms reach at all times, I agree that it's not so easy with 2 or 3 year olds. I would return to the group and make it clear you are helicoptoring until the biting stops.

learningtofly. We had that on a nursery accident form:

Nursery: "MiniBranch sustained a bite to his finger after he put his finger into the mouth of another child as they were eating".

Me: "Well it serves him right"

Biting is more serious than most other things that toddlers do. If a human bite breaks the skin you are meant to seek medical attention because of the high risk of infection. It isn't really similar to hair pulling, scratching or hitting, which are negative but less likely to carry a similar risk when done by small children. Every possible effort has to be made to stop the child biting, including having an adult shadowing them at playgroup. That is why nurseries get the staff to shadow biters.

Sorry x post

Ds went through a stage of biting when he was about 14 months and this tended to be towards people he loved the most, it was almost like he got so over excited and not having a lot of vocab at that age couldn't express himself. Obviously that didn't excuse it but it gave me an idea of when it was most likely to happen and I could to a certain extent prempt it.

I think whilst he is going through it all you can do around smaller babies is be his shadow, annoying for you but it shouldn't last forever.

Totally agree with TidyDancer. The other mother is nuts and realise that as her own child grows up and makes mistakes.

I wonder if going to the other playgroup where children bit the 13 month old is what has started him doing it.

'will realise'

specialbranch that was my reaction too (after I stopped laughing) He never did it again!

Do you have children Clothesofsand?

I am slighlty confused as how the mum got your telephone number. I am not condoning biting but if it was such a such a concern which was against the playgroups rules/policy then I would have thougt one of the playgroup leaders would have talked you there and then.