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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by this Mums group.

85 replies

redvelvetcake · 20/01/2012 18:23

I'm expecting my second DS in march and have joined a playgroup for children born between October and march.

I've taken DS1 to the first one. He's 13 months and has just learnt about biting people. It's not great, but the doctor has reassured me that it's a phase that will pass. He accidentally bit a baby's hand on the first playgroup. I apologised profusely and kept him away as much as I could from the other babies. He's not aggressive. He's a happy, interactive baby.

But now one of the mums has rung to talk to me about her concerns about my ds's behaviour. And how it doesn't create a safe environment for the babies. AIBU to be annoyed and not to go back?

OP posts:
ILoveOnionRings · 20/01/2012 20:02
  • slightly
ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 20:03

Yes, they're 10 and 13 now. DD was always fine at playgroup. DS had a hitting phase at about 2 so I had to follow him around. He grew out of it, as they generally do.

Bethshine82 · 20/01/2012 20:03

I think she was ott to ring you about it. You apologised, these things happen with small children, you can't preempt every single thing.

However although my DS is not a hitter or biter I do follow him round like a hawk when there are other children because you just can't be certain what they might do. Also he will snatch on occasion. It does annoy me when other children hurt my DS and their parent is nowhere to be seen. Some kid whacked my DS on the head today and I had no idea who he belonged to.
But you were there, you said sorry, it happens.

ILoveOnionRings · 20/01/2012 20:06

Sorry everyone - just reread my post and noticed the poor grammer (too many to correct) Confused

thebestisyettocome · 20/01/2012 20:06

Clothes. I just thought the tone of your posts suggested you hadn't any experience of toddlers. I speak by the way as a mother who never had biters, or indeed hitters, thankfully, but I do understand children of that age have no real idea of the consequences of what they are doing.

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 20:10

I never said they did understand the consequences. You have to stop one child from injuring another regardless of whether or not they are old enough to understand what is going on. In much the way you wouldn't let a baby roll off a bed and on to the floor, you are obliged as a parent to stop young children from injuring themselves or other children.

cansu · 20/01/2012 20:14

Until your own child bites someone, or scratches someone etc then you will be judgemental about it. When your own dc do this despite your best efforts you change tack. I have always found this to be the case. OP I would go somewhere else. I agree she is being OTT as are the posters here suggesting that terrible infections / dire consequences will arise if a dc is bitten. Obviosuly it is not nice but it's a phase some kids go through. Get ready for the hordes of posters who will now declare their dc have never done something like this because they would not allow it / condone it / let it happen. etc etc

thebestisyettocome · 20/01/2012 20:15

Yes I get that Clothes.

katykuns · 20/01/2012 21:30

Oh dear... I must get my act together with the next baby as I am extremely laid back about all of this. My daughter got bit by a boy at nursery when she took a toy off him when he hadn't finished playing.. the nursery very anxiously told me clearly expecting me to kick off.
I just thought 'that will make her be more careful about sharing' lol.

If it had been mine that bit another child, I would have been very apologetic, but not stopped going to the playgroup.
I also think following your child round like a hawk isn't going to do much for their learning of how to socialise correctly and let them feel comfortable playing independently... maybe I am an utterly awful parent lol.

SecretMinceRinser · 20/01/2012 21:40

Not following a child who is likely to repeatedly bite or lash out isn't going to make them (or you) very popular though. It depends if you want your child labelled as 'the biter'.

RitaMorgan · 20/01/2012 21:48

Actually I think YABU.

If this is a group for babies born October-March then surely the babies who have been born are under 3 months? And your 13 month old bit a >3 month old?

It's fair enough to expect a group for tiny babies to be safe from biting toddlers.

missslc · 20/01/2012 22:19

Mmmm.she was no doubt communicating that you need to watch him if you come back perhaps.......she is concerned about her child not getting bitten and maybe she felt your response was not adequate and wants to ensure you are aware you need to police your son. My experience is that sadly no one wants to invite the kids who have a bit of a rough approach to play to playdates as itbis just really stressful and for some reason some kids are rougher than others.
It is only natural really so in all honesty they may be happy for you to not go back or maybe changecthecway you respond. I have to say I observe many of the parents of the kids that happen to be rougher do not really reprimand them and are very relaxed as in oh it is just a stage, what can I do.
Often you can do plenty. But if parents are not willing to take a firmer
approach it is natural people may not want their kids around them.Your ds is still really young but till the phase passes you need to be on him.

tigerlillyd02 · 20/01/2012 23:46

I agree you need to be shadowing him constantly until it passes.

I think it was quite OTT to phone you, but I also understand where they're coming from. Toddlers squabbling / fighting / biting amongst themselves (although still not nice) is quite different to a baby less than 3 months old being bitten and I'd have been outraged at any parent whose toddler had bitten mine when he was that young.

Mine is 2.2 now and I watch him like a hawk around children who are younger, especially babies. I've never encountered a problem yet, but I imagine that's because I'm there supervising and talking to him about how to behave nicely towards babies etc. I'd never even take the chance when it comes to smaller ones.

On the other hand though - considering that mother had a baby so young, why did she allow a toddler to go up to her baby and bite? I protected my DS from likely dangers when he was small which certainly included the unpredictable behaviour of toddlers. So even if you had not been watching, I'd have been watching and stopped it before it happened. You can't protect them so much as toddlers as they do wander off and need to socialise, but as babies it's very easy to protect from things like this.

Original poster
redvelvetcake · 21/01/2012 00:54

So after talking to DH about this, I've decided not to go back. I can understand that the mum was upset, we are all protective of our babies.

But I do not think my 13month toddler creates an unsafe environment. I will not always be able to see everything he does. So I'll take him to one with toddlers his own age where he has more to do

OP posts:
DaPrincessBride · 21/01/2012 01:04

redvelvetcake I think that's probably the best thing to do. Chances are your DS would enjoy a toddler group much more and they usually have a baby corner for when your DC2 arrives.

I can understand the mum being protective of her baby, of course, but I think a phone call from another mum is odd and would make you feel bloody awkward about going back anyway. Sod em.

AThingInYourLife · 21/01/2012 01:39

I don't think children of 13 months get anything from toddler groups.

They aren't capable of playing together and mostly seem to just stress each other out.

Why not spend more time one on one?

These are the last few months where that will be easy.

bobbledunk · 21/01/2012 02:21

You know your son is a biter, it is your responsibility to make sure he does not have the opportunity to bite other peoples babies (at the very least warn the mother 'he bites' so she knows to protect her baby).

If you can't watch him then it's best to avoid situations where he will bite other peoples babies until he grows out of this phase.

Ilovedaintynuts · 21/01/2012 07:24

I have had a biter and a bitee.
It is horrible having a child that is bitten by another child. Bites are very painful and potentially dangerous. What I remember most about my DS being bitten was the poor reaction from the mother. She just looked at me and shrugged. She was VERY unpopular at playgroup Wink

I now have a biter. My DD is 17 months and loves to sink her teeth in to flesh Grin
I am currently sporting a nasty bite on my left breast. My DH has one on the end of his nose!

I am avoiding play groups at the moment as I know I can't watch her 100% of the time (have another DD).

I'm of the opinion that biting is quite serious and unpleasant and it is your job as parent to ensure that your child has NO opportunity to bite another child.

I suspect the other parent was annoyed at your reaction and was expecting you to deal with it more effectively.

AThingInYourLife · 21/01/2012 07:35

I think you need to be OK with the fact that your son (in common with all small toddlers) is a danger to small babies.

You'll realise this anyway when you have your own baby and need to make sure your son isn't biting (or otherwise hurting) his sibling.

Clearly a child who is biting shouldn't have been in a position to bite a small baby, I'm not really sure why you're so cross with someone for pointing that out.

fuzzypicklehead · 21/01/2012 08:13

I think it's a little bit strange that if siblings are present at the group they aren't separated from the babies, for just this reason. All of the baby groups I have been to are either baby only (with an age/mobility limit) or have a designated "baby-safe" area which the toddlers don't enter. Toddlers are dangerous to babies (regardless of biting) just by virtue of being clumsy and impulsive and likely to stumble/snatch/kick without intending to. Part of the point of baby/toddler groups are that mums need to chat and support each other, so the environment needs to be conducive to that--minimizing the need for hawklike intervention wherever possible.

pigletmania · 21/01/2012 08:35

belgo thats a bit heavy handed, he is only 13 months and a baby, yes babies/toddlers do go through biting phases and yes it is normal. Don't stop going if you like it, just be extra vigilant.

Megatron · 21/01/2012 08:42

DD was a biter, it was bloody awful. I'm afraid I agree that you just have to shadow them until it passes. It's not easy (I had a 3 year old at the time too) but that's just the way it is, you cannot leave it to chance. This woman was ridiculous for phoning you though.

MarquiseOfMelburnia · 21/01/2012 08:51

Agree with piglet, although technically he's now a toddler he is still a baby really. And babies, even if you tell them "no" a hundred times over, are still too young to fully understand the implications. He's hardly a menace, so I think the reaction was OTT, you just need to sit with him and watch him play for pretty much the whole time you are there (if you return).

pigletmania · 21/01/2012 08:59

I just feel the poor baby is being demonised, its not like he is a preschooler going round biting everyone in sight.

Teaandcakeplease · 21/01/2012 09:01

I haven't read all of the thread. So I'm sorry if some of this has been mentioned. But my DS went through a biting phase and it is awful. I actually got to the stage where I didn't want to leave my house with him and felt so ashamed of his behaviour and worried about people judging me and my parenting and what they thought of my son. It is such an anti social behaviour and it can be looked on far worse than other toddler ones Sad The playgroup I went to was lovely and they were supportive. I gave him time outs and was consistent and used lots of praise for good behaviour. But the phase lasted a long time. I could actually see it coming towards the end and stop it before it began. If someone had phoned me up like you, it would have really upset me. That is an awful way to handle it and I do think you shouldn't go back. Is the playgroup run by the mum who rang you? What do the leaders of this playgroup think?

Unless you're made of stronger stuff than me. I would feel from now on like I couldn't relax there and constantly had to hover over my son, just in case anything happened at all, no matter how minor and couldn't even grab a coffee and return 2 minutes later. I would feel judged and the topic of gossip. So I wouldn't go back, especially after that treatment. But then again if this mother is in no way affiliated with the group leaders, it maybe just her own opinion?

After reading a number of books and talking to the Senco at DS's pre school, she said biting is horribly normal and a stage some children go through for a number of reasons. My DS bit in stressful situations with other children, when he felt threatened or frustrated if the children around him weren't sharing and were crowding him most. The Senco said if they have poor eye sight and someone suddenly appears in their field of vision, they can bite too. Or if they have poor language and cannot express themselves with words and cannot cope.

It is a stage. A book I found helpful to read with my son was this one. You could read it with him often and talk about it?

I've taken ages to type this and need to dash off, so I hope it makes sense.