To be annoyed by this Mums group.

[redvelvetcake]

I'm expecting my second DS in march and have joined a playgroup for children born between October and march.

I've taken DS1 to the first one. He's 13 months and has just learnt about biting people. It's not great, but the doctor has reassured me that it's a phase that will pass. He accidentally bit a baby's hand on the first playgroup. I apologised profusely and kept him away as much as I could from the other babies. He's not aggressive. He's a happy, interactive baby.

But now one of the mums has rung to talk to me about her concerns about my ds's behaviour. And how it doesn't create a safe environment for the babies. AIBU to be annoyed and not to go back?

Exactly, he still very much doesn't understand. I have an (almost) 12 month old who, due to ongoing teething, sinks his new fangs into everything he can. Not because he wants to hurt anyone, but because it provides him relief.

I am trying to make him understand that if he does it on my shoulder, it hurts, but it is difficult. If he did it to anyone else, especially a smaller baby, I too would be horrified and very apologetic. I would explain that this is why he does it - he doesn't lay awake in his cot at night dreaming up weird and wonderful ways to terrorise the next toddler group we go to.

For this mother to then call and complain even though you've apologised, well, I know I would be a bit narked.

I know it's supernanny but her weblink does have some good advice: www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice/-/Parenting-Skills/-/Discipline-and-Reward/Put-a-stop-to-biting.aspx

But he is a menace - precisely because he is incapable of understanding why he shouldn't bite.

The lack of intention doesn't make the bite hurt a little baby any less.

It's not demonising a child to be realistic about what they are capable of (in this case not capable of moderating his behaviour, since he is so little) and reasonable about what other people should put up with (in this case a group of mothers and newborns having to deal with a much bigger child that will not be careful of their babies).

Nobody's wrong here, but this sounds like the wrong kind of group for the todder to be at.

I have to say my auntie is a child psychologist and says that 'shadowing' children like that can cause anxieties and worsen behaviours. I agree with keeping him away from babies but how about just sitting with him and reminding him to be gentle and praising him all the time he is gentle?

I think the lady who rang you was OTT, but I am a bit suprised that you aren't supervising him more carefully round little babies, just because they are small and can't move out of the way or fight back! I let my DD (20m) play with kids roughly her own age/size without hovering but I always go over to her if she is showing an interest in non-walkers, just to make sure she doesn't hurt them. At her nursery the older ones play freely but if they approach the small babies they are carefully watched (only one room for under 3).

And as far as "you can't watch them constantly" goes, I agree up to a point but you can at a 2 hour playgroup surely? My friend's DS went through a hitting stage so I would watch him while she went to get her coffee/to the loo and she returned the favour when my DD had a stage of being a bit shove-y so you can still have a drink and a chat, just be prepared to sprint away.

I'm not precious, my DD goes to nursery and I expect the odd altercation, but it did annoy me when she was tiny, about 5 or 6m, and this woman at a playgroup let her gigantic 2 year old (he was really huge, bigger than the 4 year olds!) knock her flying twice by sort of rugby tackling her as she sat and played. Once I thought hey ho, dusted baby off and carried on, but when he came near her again and she didn't stop him I was all cat's bum face about it. Thankfully he didn't hurt my DD but he could have and it certainly wouldn't have been his fault, it would have been his mother's.

YANBU to be annoyed, but potentially YABU if you aren't being proactive at trying to stop your DS biting.

I have read all the thread and whilst others have mentioned that it is a stage that some children go through, no one has mentioned that most children who bite have triggers be it hunger, tiredness, frustration or power. My DD was a frustration biter who bit because she couldn't vocalise her feelings - it stopped the day she learnt to say 'stop I don't like it' one of her little friends was a hunger biter it always happened just prior to meal times. Identifying what situation your child bites in can then help you to prevent them from getting to the point where they bite most of the time.

I mentioned it Lizcat too

Children bite. And so will hers one day. Then karma will bite her !

Agree with Nigel My first child never bit anyone. I used to be so judgey of biters and their parents. Then my second child was born and was a biter Karma indeed.

Agree with other posters who say that you need to be watching him like a hawk, and if you can't do that, keep him out of situations where it's likely to happen.

Whilst I think the other woman was OTT in phoning you about the incident afterwards, I think you also sound a bit too relaxed about the behaviour.

I have a mum friend whose DS started biting around this age, and her response was all 'it's a phase/due to teething/etc etc', and therefore didn't address the problem.

Roll on over a year and a half, and this 'phase' shows no sign of letting up.

Yes, it's a phase that some children go through. But it's not a phase that they will necessarily grow out of if it's not properly addressed.