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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset

79 replies

jan2011 · 20/01/2012 01:33

dh and i been arguing a lot today. baby is bf during day and gets bottle of formula at night by dh (won't take it from me) today, i was supposed to stay at mums for a night or two so he could go out tonight. ended up baby was extremely unsettled and i wasn't feeling the best so i decided i didn't want to take her (its a 50 min drive) and us be out of routine etc, so my mum and dad said they would come up to babysit for me in the house. he was angry with me for that for a start as he wanted me out of the house. that took awhile to settle. was ibu? then, once he comes in tonight he looks at the baby, and says 'sorry hon ill have to wrap you up again cos youll end up dead if i don't' . mum and i had swaddled her - yes we did it differently to the way he does it as he puts her to bed, but we had swaddled her and no she wasn't going to end up dead mum has had 3 kids she is not stupid, and it may not have been as tight or as neat as what he does it but i am just so so so upset i can't stop crying - i am fed up of hurtful comments and don't know how much longer i can stay with him. he knows i am awake yet he completely ignores me - he knows i am crying - yet he will act like the one who has the right to be upset tomorrow as he didn't get to fully enjoy his night out as he had us in the house and my family had to come up and babysit etc etc. amibu here, would you be upset?

OP posts:
tallpoppies · 20/01/2012 01:35

yanbu - he sounds like an arse!

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 20/01/2012 01:38

Wow.

Was he like this before you had your DD?

SemperUbiSubUbi · 20/01/2012 01:38

he sounds like a fucking prick - get out now before he destroys what little self esteem you have left.

GoingForGoalWeight · 20/01/2012 01:42

Dump him/leave him - get your parents to help. You might be young and belive me it will be the best thing you do in the long run. Stay single, study if applicable get some counselling idf needed, improve your fitness etc Love you for your babies sake.

He is a prick, i agree, you deserve to feel better inside.

Good luck .

Original poster
jan2011 · 20/01/2012 01:43

he is very self centred at times and very hurtful in the things he says. then he says he didn't mean them afterwards. its so hard. he blames me as i moan and nag at him sometimes like today when things have been very stressful with the baby - im just tired and i do crack up easily sometimes but don't we all at times on days like these? its so hard to know when you are stuck in these situations who is right and who is wrong when someone is constantly having a go at you and you can't see a proper perspective

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 20/01/2012 01:46

YOU can't change him. YOU can't change anybody.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 20/01/2012 02:40

Why does he want you out of the house?? Hmm
He sounds like a controlling nobber to me, and this "I nag him" "it's my fault, I crack easily" is just you justifying his behaviour. I'm sorry, but this is no nice behaviour from a partner, and in the long run could potentially be very damaging to you. I agree with others, get rid. You are worth more than him!

mockingjay · 20/01/2012 03:36

who does he think he is, correcting your mother on swaddling when she has had 3 babies?? of course he would know sooooooo much better wouldn't he?!

that's aside from the rubbish way he's treating you. but, if you can explain away to yourself his behaviour towards you (you shouldn't, but it's a common error!), then get mad at the way he treated your parents. they came over to help you both out. if he's so bloody marvellous he clearly won't be needing anyone's help again!

poppycat04 · 20/01/2012 03:44

Yup he's being an arse. Hope he sorts himself out and starts giving you the support and help and love and care you need and deserve asap.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 20/01/2012 03:57

My first thought was also why does he want you out of the house?

Boomerwang · 20/01/2012 05:13

I don't know about anyone else here but sometimes I feel I just wanna go round and sort out some of these bastards!

I dare not hit you when you are down, that would be unfair, but I do a good 'humph' when I hear women belittle themselves and say it's all their fault and they deserve crap treatment when they're carrying the weight of the world and it's mother on their back.

Your bloke is being hugely unreasonable, unsupportive, selfish and childish. As the mother of his child he should be doing everything he can to make you happy. I appreciate that partners feel plenty of strain and stress themselves but as long as you shared the responsibilities together you'd both get through it stronger than before.

He's pissed at you because he wanted a break from it all and he's took it out on you. I don't really think he considered the baby's swaddling to be so bad, he was just a grumpy arse who wanted to pick another fight with you.

He's got to see that you're in this together. Sure it's nice to have the house to yourself, watch movies til 3am, get drunk and eat junk and make as much noise as you want... ask him to take the baby to his parents while you have a night off, see what he says then.

NinkyNonker · 20/01/2012 08:02

Arse. Absolute arse.

Original poster
jan2011 · 20/01/2012 08:03

hey
thanks for your replies. i didn't really sleep last night as i was so upset. we are always having times like this of such upsets and it does have a detrimental affect long term - to the point where i do want to finish it as its living in constant misery. we get over one thing and then another thing happens. but we are going to counselling from this week - if that doesn't work i am leaving - i just don't know how to keep going in the mean time especially as i just need myself good for my baby. he wanted me to go to mums because firstly he felt bad that they had to come up and babysit for us so that he could go out, secondly so that he could go out and not worry about coming home, times, me, etc etc.

i know when i bring up the swaddling comment this morning, it will be the start of another huge row. even the fact that i am upset today and don't 'just get over it' will mean its my fault for keeping things going. i just feel so stuck. yes i do feel he is quite controlling. if i make a decision he doesn't like, there is no respect for that.
im tempted to tell my mum today what he said, so she knows some of the reasons why im upset, but i don't want to offend her and i don't want their relationship to be affected but at the end of the day it might make him be more careful what he says in the future - mum isn't the type to say anything to him. i won't say to her actually i am not going to hurt my mum.
i feel so drained.

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 20/01/2012 08:09

Sorry - am confused. Why did your parents have to come up to babysit if you were still at home???

Shutupanddrive · 20/01/2012 08:09

YANBU, he sounds like a selfish prick! Does he know how much he is upsetting you? Can you go and stay at your mums for a few days to catch up on your sleep and give him a bit of a wake up call? He needs to know that your seriously considering leaving him.

diddl · 20/01/2012 08:14

TBH, I don´t really understand the OP.

He wanted to go out-fine.

But why did that mean you had to leave the house?

And when you couldn´t do that, why did your parents come round?

That aside, he sounds vile & not worth your time tbh.

BuenTiempo · 20/01/2012 08:17

Lol at the leave the bastard brigade
I'd say pull yourself together woman, stop blubbing and just discuss it with him like an adult

BalloonSlayer · 20/01/2012 08:20

Why was the swaddling comment "having a go" ?

If a mother said that about the way her Dh and his mother had swaddled the baby it'd get put down to her being PFB and over-anxious - "swaddling the baby is MY job and no one does it as well as me!"

And as for wanting them out of the house so he can enjoy his night out - a bit odd yes but is he a "loud" drunk or someone who has always enjoyed coming home, putting all the lights on and putting some loud music on to wind down to? Couldn't he actually be a responsible Dad who doesn't feel comfortable returning from a night on the lash with a small baby in the house?

I am not trying to leap to his defence, but unless there are other threads from the OP about his twattishness, I am perplexed about all the immediate "take the baby and leave the prick" posts after the OP.

Original poster
jan2011 · 20/01/2012 08:20

the baby is bf but takes a night time ff x2 - she wont take them for me and wont settle without them very well so thats y mum came round. i was leaving at first to give him a cuople of days break and also see parents more.
i wish i could just leave it seems so difficult he would probably be glad if i was gone a few days

OP posts:
Original poster
jan2011 · 20/01/2012 08:24

i will discuss it with him i just dread it. we have had ongoing problems. balloon he doesnt drink. we just dont get along anymore.

OP posts:
OhTheConfusion · 20/01/2012 08:24

Im confused too. Does he not trust you to bed the baby alone so you both need babysitting?

He is undermining your self esteem... that is never going to end well :(

OhTheConfusion · 20/01/2012 08:25

Sorry X post.

You always know in your heart when enough is enough. Good luck, you deserve better than this.

Floggingmolly · 20/01/2012 08:28

What does he do when he comes home from his drinking session? I can't get past him having to have you out of the house for him to properly enjoy himself. He doesn't bring anyone home with him, by any chance? Sounds nasty.

squeakytoy · 20/01/2012 08:31

Could you not breastfeed the baby yourself if she wont take a formula feed from you then?

I am finding this thread very very confusing.

imaginethat · 20/01/2012 08:32

You sound very unhappy and tearful. Unsurprising given you have a little baby to look after and the person who should be with you on this seems to be working against you.

It can't hurt to take a break - can you go to your parents for a week, get some rest and then see whether you want to try to work things out with your dh? Sometimes it's hard to know what you want when you're exhausted.

Not to suggest his behaviour is excusable but just so you can have the peace of mind of knowing you gave it your best shot.

Frankly I think that life is too short to waste on unhappiness. You have yourself and a little baby to look after, something has got to change.