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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so upset

79 replies

jan2011 · 20/01/2012 01:33

dh and i been arguing a lot today. baby is bf during day and gets bottle of formula at night by dh (won't take it from me) today, i was supposed to stay at mums for a night or two so he could go out tonight. ended up baby was extremely unsettled and i wasn't feeling the best so i decided i didn't want to take her (its a 50 min drive) and us be out of routine etc, so my mum and dad said they would come up to babysit for me in the house. he was angry with me for that for a start as he wanted me out of the house. that took awhile to settle. was ibu? then, once he comes in tonight he looks at the baby, and says 'sorry hon ill have to wrap you up again cos youll end up dead if i don't' . mum and i had swaddled her - yes we did it differently to the way he does it as he puts her to bed, but we had swaddled her and no she wasn't going to end up dead mum has had 3 kids she is not stupid, and it may not have been as tight or as neat as what he does it but i am just so so so upset i can't stop crying - i am fed up of hurtful comments and don't know how much longer i can stay with him. he knows i am awake yet he completely ignores me - he knows i am crying - yet he will act like the one who has the right to be upset tomorrow as he didn't get to fully enjoy his night out as he had us in the house and my family had to come up and babysit etc etc. amibu here, would you be upset?

OP posts:

diddl · 20/01/2012 08:40

yes, odd that you need to leave the house so that he can "enjoy himself".

How did the ff at night come about?

Is it something you both wanted?

If baby won´t take a ff from you, then why can´t you bfeed when your husband isn´t available?

How old is baby-I mean how long have been not feeding them at night & how long is it likely to go on?

Just doesn´t seem sustainable to me-what if your husband isn´t about & parents not available either?

Becaroooo · 20/01/2012 08:43

Am v v confused....why did he want you out of the house??????!!!

Red flag for me.

Sudaname · 20/01/2012 08:43

l cant understand the statement that your baby ^wont^ take a bottle feed from you. Surely if she is hungry she will take it from you eventually even if she is used to seeing daddy looking down at her for her night feed. l dont mean to sound unkind but it seems you are letting your baby dictate your whole household routine because of this issue even to the point of having to get someone in to give it to her. l mean if you were alone she would have to take it from you. Or is it because when she sees you she wants/expects to be BF ?

l still think your DH is being an arse however.

Sudaname · 20/01/2012 08:45

sorry Diddl x posts.

Original poster

jan2011 · 20/01/2012 09:10

sorry its so confusing. i can bf the baby but its better to get help as every time i have done that she hasn't gone down to sleep until the early hours and didn't stay asleep. i don't mind doing this the odd time for him to go out but if people are willing to help out then its the better option

OP posts:

diddl · 20/01/2012 10:24

Sorry, but I can´t help thinking that you are being "persuaded" that you need help.

Do you work?

Can you catch up on sleep in the day?

Often babies go through phases with their feeding/sleeping & you just get on with it tbh!

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 20/01/2012 10:27

I dont understand why he wanted you to leave your house. I get that baby wont take a bottle from you which is why your mum came over but why didnt you just take baby to bed and b/f??

What plans did he have that you ruined then because you didnt leave? That is what would worry me more to be honest.

WhiteTrash · 20/01/2012 10:28

Could you not just give baby a boob at night when he is out?

That aside, he sounds like a right dick. YANBU.

WhiteTrash · 20/01/2012 10:29

X-post.

I think you are being very pfb about not doing the nights by yourself just because he wants to go out.

However, hes still being a dick.

oldraver · 20/01/2012 10:32

I agree with Diddle, OI think your confidence is being smashed so you are led into thinking you cant feed your baby at night

diddl · 20/01/2012 10:40

Oh & the reswaddling-mayve not that bad in itself, but the comment with it Imean-wtf??

breathedeeply · 20/01/2012 10:50

I think that you are hormonal and exhausted. In a few months everything will look different. Yes, your DH has been a bit of an arse, but he's a first time parent too. The getting you out of the house to your parents was actually a clumsy attempt to help (he didn't want to leave you on your own with a demanding baby while he went out). I understand the ff issue - mine would never take formula from me because they could actually smell my breast milk. This is not a leaving your partner issue - ignore some of the hysterical posts on here. Why not talk to your GP or health visitor? It might be helpful if your hv could visit while your partner is there. You are getting issues out of proportion, which can be a sign of PND.

WhiteTrash · 20/01/2012 10:51

The comment was OOO. But I thought there was only one way to swaddle?

Ephiny · 20/01/2012 11:01

Why did he 'want you out of the house'? It's your own home, you and your baby have a right to be there surely? And why do you need to be out of the house so he can have a night out? That doesn't make any sense, unless there's something going on behind your back.

As for saying your baby was going to die because you hadn't wrapped her up exactly as he did , that's an absolutely awful thing to say. You mention other 'hurtful comments' so I'm guessing this is not a one-off?

It does sound a bit odd though that you need your parents to 'babysit' while you're at home but he's out. Do you not feel able to cope with your DD alone? Or does he not allow you to? Something seems not quite right here...

newmum953 · 20/01/2012 11:13

Why did he want you out of the house?

JustHecate · 20/01/2012 11:42

Why was it vital to him that you were out of the house overnight?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 20/01/2012 11:53

It's good that you are going to counselling, it sounds like there are valid issues for both of you.

You obviously did nothing wrong by staying in your own home, but I can understand why your dh was irritated by it too and I don't see why everyone has jumped on that.

Maybe he was just looking forward to having some space and time at home on his own and was a bot disappointed that he wasn't going to get it. That's completely understandable and there doesn't have to be anything sinister about it. Especially when it has gone from him having a night of peace and relaxation and it has turned into having the inlaws to stay at the last minute. And I can see why he would feel guilty that GPs are having to come all that way over to do a night feed so that he could go out. It does seem a bit silly tbh.

diddl · 20/01/2012 12:00

I will agree that thinking that you are going to have the house to yourself to ILs turning up would be annoying.

And tbh if you couldn´t get to them I can´t see why you would ask them to you rather than make a decision to bfeed.

pictish · 20/01/2012 12:07

Your dh is a twat.

I don't see that this bf/ff quandry is a reason to need help when he goes out. You just bf surely?
I can't understand why your parents were called in.

viktoria · 20/01/2012 12:12

I feel for you. When my children were newborn/babies I found it so very very hard.
My DH is great, but the first 6 months with both children, I found so extremely hard and we did a LOT of bickering - often because we were both exhausted and often, weirdly enough, it did come from a good place: we had strong and often different opinions what was the best for our baby (and only the best of course was good enough!).
What I'm trying to say is that having a baby means a big adjustment for most relationships.

It sounds like you are a fantastic mother, don't be too hard on yourself, but equally, don't be too hard on your relationship and your partner either.

Saying all this though, YANBU - you have every right and reason to be annoyed at your partner in this instance.

my2centsis · 20/01/2012 13:29

I think I'm going to go the opposite to all opinions on this thread I do think your dh was being an arse with his comments but was it mayb because as you had said u were going to your mums he was just looking foward to some free time/ space and when you announced you wernt going (fair enough) he was just disspointed and lashed out with some shitty comments?

Were his exact words he wants you out of the house?

And you sound lovely but I'm sorry I find it really strange that you need your patents to babysit when you arnt even going anywhere, I also find it odd that you can't put your baby to sleep?

I do also think you are very lucky your dh does ALL the night feeds, you get a full nights sleep and presumably he works full time? Are you working right now?

You are not BU to be upset but you are BU to not think about things from another point if view before considering leaving your relationship over it

PopcornMouse · 20/01/2012 13:45

The love of his life not going away for the weekend should surely be met with "yay" rather than swearing and abuse?? Dealbreaker imho.

I'm am tbh - perhaps he was hoping to bring someone back at the end of the night.....?

ceeveebee · 20/01/2012 13:48

Agree with everything my2centsis says. Its very odd that you need to have someone else to come and stay the night just because your DH is having a night out.

Yes the swaddling comment was nasty but seeing it from his perspective, he has done every night feed for (unclear how long) and when he arranges a night out, you decide that you couldn't disturb your 'routine' to allow him this?

You do not know how lucky you are to have a partner willing to do every night feed including weekends when he is (presumabley) also going out to work! He's probably completely knackered, I know I would be if I had to do this 7 days a week (my DH does night feeds for our twins at weekends but I would not dream of asking him to do this during his working week). Perhaps he wanted the house to himself so he could have a quiet nights sleep and a lie in!

I can imagine the reaction If the OP was reversed and the female partner was never able to take a night off.

How long has this feeding routine been in place - I don't think you've confirmed the age of your baby yet? You really need to get to the stage where either your baby will take a bottle from you (try feeding her with her back against your tummy so she won't smell you!) or alternatively just breastfeed on your nights. He should get at least one night off a week.

So you are BU but agree his comment was also U

Original poster

jan2011 · 20/01/2012 13:52

hi
i appreciate all the comments and different points of view here, it has helped me see it more from his point of view too.
from this thread i realise yes i am very fortunate that he does the night feeds and should be more grateful. i also realise that yes he just wanted his own space for a few days to relax and was just very disappointed that he wasn't getting it and took it out on me - unfortunately at a bad time when id had a stressful day with a very unsettled baby. it took him most of the day to get over his disappointment though, and he did say he would prefer if i wasn't here.

to answer some questions - i HAVE told him that i would look after the baby at night and bf her - but he doesn't want that as i don't get any sleep, am exhausted the next day and find it harder to cope when exhausted which impacts us both - it has just been the system that has worked for us both, - him doing a night feed. i have said that i wanted to do it myself last night and he said no. i had loads of conversations saying there were other options - one was me bfing her and just catching up on my sleep the next night. the other is that i could bf her and he could wake her and give her a bottle when he gets in to help her sleep through (this worked before - he doesn't drink) nothing was good enough i was talking to my mum about what to do and she wanted to come up since i didn't get down as she loves spending time with the baby. she got here 15 mins before he went out, once she gave the bottles we both put the baby down and she went home. dh didn't even have to see her.
i don't see the problem with getting a bit of help from my parents. this is the first time in 3.5 months i have ever had them over to babysit. other times i have gone to my mums so he can go out and i can spend time with them.
the reason we first gave her the bottle was cos i had mastitis she had severe reflux and i was about to give up bf as couldn't feed from one boob, couldn't cope in the second week - hv told us too. since then im happier with it because it helped her sleep at night.
dh is a fulltime student. he is off at the minute and tbh i can't wait till he starts back. it is easier me with the baby all day than dealing with both of them. i am going back to work part time next week - i work from home.
today i have told mum we are having problems and she was very understanding i might go down to stay sometime soon for a break. its good that she finally knows as ive been covering things up not to worry her. hopefully the counselling will help. it is hard, i am hormonal and tearful yes. but our marriage has been difficult from the start.

OP posts:

Original poster

jan2011 · 20/01/2012 13:59

oh and i do feel bad about not routinely doing the nightfeeds - i would love to be able with confidence to be able to feed my baby and put her down at night. every time ive tried to do it its been a nightmare. but thats just what happens with babies if i got into the way of doing it i would jsut get used to it. hv gave some tips about me giving her the ff - like with a spoon or a cup. id like to try it. btw in term time the only thing dh does it give her the bottle - i take her the rest of the time as he studies all day and then comes home and studies all night. so i do feel i need that break.

OP posts:

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