to be so upset

[jan2011]

dh and i been arguing a lot today. baby is bf during day and gets bottle of formula at night by dh (won't take it from me) today, i was supposed to stay at mums for a night or two so he could go out tonight. ended up baby was extremely unsettled and i wasn't feeling the best so i decided i didn't want to take her (its a 50 min drive) and us be out of routine etc, so my mum and dad said they would come up to babysit for me in the house. he was angry with me for that for a start as he wanted me out of the house. that took awhile to settle. was ibu? then, once he comes in tonight he looks at the baby, and says 'sorry hon ill have to wrap you up again cos youll end up dead if i don't' . mum and i had swaddled her - yes we did it differently to the way he does it as he puts her to bed, but we had swaddled her and no she wasn't going to end up dead mum has had 3 kids she is not stupid, and it may not have been as tight or as neat as what he does it but i am just so so so upset i can't stop crying - i am fed up of hurtful comments and don't know how much longer i can stay with him. he knows i am awake yet he completely ignores me - he knows i am crying - yet he will act like the one who has the right to be upset tomorrow as he didn't get to fully enjoy his night out as he had us in the house and my family had to come up and babysit etc etc. amibu here, would you be upset?

I can't believe some of the responses to this thread.

OP - you have a new baby in the house. Both of you have been put under tremendous pressure. You both have to find a way to operate together. The alternative to kicking him out when you have a new born is to speak to him about how you feel (get counselling/go to relate if you need) but "he's a prick - kick him out" doesn't help either of you, or your baby.

the leave the bastard brigade are out in force I see.

Op tbh I think you're being far too pfb and sensitive about this.

Plenty of women have a go about the way their dh's do things with their baby and no-one bats an eyelid. Presumably if your dh is always the one that puts her to bed he is used to doing things a certain way and when things were done differently his protective instincts have kicked in - she is his pfb too.

As for you needing someone else on hand to do the night feeds, I'm sorry to say this but you have brought this on yourself. If your dd won't take a bottle can you not bf her? and if not then give her a bottle - if she's hungry enough she will take it, and if she doesn't then she will cry, but I'm sorry to say this, this is what babies do.

The two of you have both been through a life changing event - the first year of having a baby is momentos, and it will change your life and possibly your relationship for ever. And when emotions run high people say things and react to things in certain ways.

If you'd posted that you'd had a go at the way your dh had swaddled the baby and your dh was upset people would be saying he needs to get a grip. This isn't any different IMO.

Certainly not worth leaving him over.

hang on...your mum drove for 50 minutes to give your baby a bottle and then drove 50 minutes back home again? That sounds very odd.

I can understand that you're upset...DH acted like a knob. But if I had thought I was having a nice peaceful weekend at home without DH and my DC, I would be majorly pissed off if he then changed his mind and didn't go. I really don't understand why you changed your plans.

thats ok not to understand. unless ur in my situation u won't - ive tried my best to explain. my mum and dad came up and watched a dvd with me, we spent time together. she insisted on coming after i told them i would bf. i would never have my mum come up just to give a bottle and go home. i did not go down as the baby and me were not feeling well.

very sorry for allowing mum to help out for a night!

You need to get a grip on this tbh. You need to be able to settle your own child, always handing them over won't help. My mum is v helpful but would look at me if I suggested her driving 50 mins to me and back to give dd a bottle so I could avoid doing anything with her during the night. And why should your DH get to tell you that you won't bf at night because you can't cope?

"i have said that i wanted to do it myself last night and he said no."

"she insisted on coming after i told them i would bf"

Why are these people determined that you don´t bfeed at night every once in a while?

people aren't reading the thread before replying. i hardly ever hand the baby over. and excuse me but i am up most nights a few times feeding the baby. after dh gives her a bottle at 10, i take over. why is everyone making me feel so guilty for this? do your partners do nothing at all? if my hubby takes half an hour to do this, i am grateful but it is also the least he can do.

if u guys are trying to undermine my confidence further please don't. this is the routine we have got into. i am trying to change it so she sleeps better when i put her down. its what has been working for us so what we have been doing. i can settle my own child better than anyone else. however it takes a lot longer as she likes bf andshe isn't used to going to sleep for the night after a bf. sigh....

No, no, not at all r.e. your DH. It is his attitude to 'letting' (or not) you bf that I am referring to, and your mother insisting on coming down to do it when she heard you were going to bf. Am not getting at you, but at the fact ot comes across as though you are being controlled and undermined.

ok...

his comment about the swadding was insensitive and horrible.

however... do you think that a little bit of why you decided not to go to his parents was because you were trying to get some control over his night out?

I ask this because it's something I might do myself and it does sound like perhaps you weren't happy for your DH to go out and have a night without the baby.

"and excuse me but i am up most nights a few times feeding the baby."

OK, well that´s par for the course.

From you OP I thought that your husband did the night feeds.

Is much actually achieved by her having a bottle at 10?

I think both you and your H sound miserable, overtired and very young. Things that are actually really no big deal become an enormous great big deal when you have a newborn and are desperately sleep-deprived. He maybe wanted a little bit of time and space to himself, which he didn't really get, hence the snappiness. You maybe wanted him not to go out at atll.
Are you getting any leisure time for yourself? OP? I know you are BFing but you could do with at least an hour or so each week to go out without the baby, look round the shops, see a friend, have a bath whatever.

Ninky im very sorry - i took you up completely wrong i do apologise - my dh is controlling in a way but my parents aren't - they honestly are too kind, they don't even think of it that way, they just want to help me in any way possible and will go to great lengths if they think they can be of help - im very lucky that way.
yes the ff does help at night - without it she wil wake up much more frequently. its a thickened formula for reflux.
its honestly nothing to do with me not wanting him to go out - i think its good for him to get out - not al the time like he used to (like 4 nights a week!) but i think its important for him to get out and i want to be able to support that. the only reason i didn't go down was cos we weren't up to it, hadn't the energy to pack everything etc as baby and me weren't feeling well she had been unsettled all day. i understand he would have been disappointed that he didn't get another day without us though.

i don't get any time for myself really. although when he is off, he helps with the baby a bit more like nappy changing and stuff which helps take the pressure off me so i can rest a bit more. but i can't remember the last time i got out to do anything for myself- having a bath is an excellent idea, ill try to make time for that.
i just told him i wanted to do the ff tonight and put her down and he said he doesn't want me to, asked me why, i told him its so that theres not a whole melt down everytime he wants to go out, so my mum doesn't have to come up, and cos i want to do it, and he said he was annoyed at me for wanting to take it away from him! that the only reason i want to do it is to prepare myself for moving out. sigh. he said 'how would you feel if i told you to stop bf tomorrow'
one minute he complains about doing the feed, next minute he is saying not to bf. you know, i am tired and my head is too tired to sort this out tonight. i will let him have his way tonight and think about it more tomorrow.
solid you are right, everything seems a big deal, and we are tired etc. and i am frustrated!

I can sympathise with the overtired thing...DD didn't sleep more than 2 hrs on the trot until she was well past a year! On the one hand he sounds a little undermining, on the other he sounds overwhelmed and scared. I know you say you have had a difficult marriage, is this something you feel too and are wanting to work on? Cause a frank and honest chat, reassuring each other of how you want to work on things etc may help. He is misreading you by the sounds of it, you want to do the FF at night so that he can go out (and you both need to be able to do this without the household imploding) and he thinks that you are wanting to do the FF so that you don't need him any more.

I agree with solidgoldbrass, you both sound knackered and a little overwhelmed. Try to look after each other if you want to be together and he treats you well on the whole, and take some time for yourself.

Your parents sound lovely. If mine thought I was struggling they would do what yours have done too, cherish them.

jan2011 - I think you're great. sometimes having a newborn or small baby is just simply about getting through the sleep deprived months. I consider myself a really competent person, but when I had DS1 I can honestly say that I didn't cope, we somehow muddled through and survived the first few months. It's horrible not to have any time for yourself, not to have enough sleep - BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. Hang in there, you sound like a really caring mum, who wants to the best job possible with her baby, and you've arranged your life in a way that might not work for other people, but that doesn't matter. Muddle through - you don't have to be perfect - and you will be fine. You might leave your husband or you might not - this is not a decision that you need to make right now.

It will get easier I promise! Early days at the mement. Sleep deprivation is torture - it really is and can put a black cloud on things. Google postnatal depression and if you think you tick some of the boxes, ask for some CBT therapy. It's amazing and really helped my post natal. Don't think too much about the relationship with your hubby right now as you are in a very emotional and vulnerable spot- just concentrate on feeling better within uyourself and eventually you will know what to do for the best.

How old is the baby?

Ninky yes you have got that all just right. we are misunderstanding each other. i think a chat is on the agenda (we have many chats which ends in tears) so well not go into depth until counselling next week but ill tell him that i do want to try and the reason i want to take over feeds at night is to take pressure off us both so we can both be more flexible. i feel a bit better today as got a bit more sleep, baby feeling a bit better etc. you are right sleep deprivation makes things 1000 times worse. if the counselling doesn't improve our relationship ill cross that bridge when i come to it and try not to think about it all now.
the baby is 3.5 months. thanks for the encouragement viktoria im sorry you had a bad time at the start but glad things settled down for you. i know i don't have pnd - i felt depressed actually before i got pregnant, then the pregnancy and the baby seemed to lift me and gave me just what i needed at the right time - the baby has given me so much joy in life - its the relationship thats making me depressed again which is why its so much harder! (in terms of hope and expectations) but im determined to try not to let it... i have a couple of friends with babies, and mum is here for me too so ill try and get out and about with baby to take my mind off everything.

He sounds like he´s got a case of PFBitis!

I suppose when a woman is bfeeding a man can feel quite left out-GPs as well, especially when there´s a bout of feeding every two hrs day & night!

But in the scheme of things it doesn´t go on for that long & there´s other stuff that can be done!

Also, might he be feeling pushed out/useless due to the attention that the baby gets so the swaddling/wanting to feed is his way of being noticed?

it could be i think its a lot to do with him being scared i am leaving - also you are right that he wants the bond with the baby now - but in a couple of weeks when he is studying 24/7 no time at all again and wants nights out as well he will want me to do everything, feeding if i can will be a bonus for me to do at night. tonight we have agreed that i can try to feed her, ill let you know how it goes - he will swaddle her and put her down after. i had the chat and made it clear that its so that we can both be more flexible - we had a better day today.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

To me he sounds like a very controlling man who is gaslighting you. He sounds like he's trying to make you feel inadequate and unable to look after DD without him. His comment about her dying the way you swaddled her is chilling. Really chillling.

How does you being in the house spoil his night out? That doesn't make sense.

I am so so glad that you say you are seeking counselling. It is far far too easy to say 'oh just leave the bastard' which is a ridiculous reaction when you are both undergoing what is the single most stressful thing to happen to a couple - the arrival of the pfb. You ar both under massive amounts of pressure at the mo and instead of pulling together, are taking chunks out of each other. This is completely normal, as horrid as it is, and you need to cut each other some serious slack. You are both going through seismic shifts not only in your relationships but how you view yourselves as human beings. Men, bless their cotton socks, are not as emotionally mature as we girls and he is being a twat in how he handles this. You will be able to talk this over with your counsellor but just one small thought - how is your relationship with your MIL? Could you enlist her help? A few home truths from a cool, collected individual who has been through all this might help no end. A little chat about 'you are not being edged out by the newborn', 'your wife is under tremendous pressure and you are being an arse' and a suggestion of some nights out a deux to reconnect with each other as the adults who fell in love would be no end of help. Even if he gets really angry with her, what she says will still go into his brain.

Good luck.