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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you keep this secret?

80 replies

Memoo · 16/01/2012 20:23

I have a friend who works in a school (I use to work thete too) today she told me about an incident that had happened. They haven't told the parent what happened, they seem to be trying to brush it under the carpet.

The problem I have is that the mother of the child involved is somebody I have become close to because we go to the same toddler group. I feel very strongly that she should know what happened.

Obviously friend 1 shouldn't have told me what she did and she could lose her job for sharing confidential information. But friend 2 really should know.

What do I do???

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDee · 16/01/2012 20:24

I couldn't say whether I'd keep the secret without knowing what the incident involved to be fair...

squeakytoy · 16/01/2012 20:25

I think it would depend on what the incident is, and how it was dealt with. Appreciate that is a very awkward position to be put in, and I am surprised at your friend for telling you the identity of the child involved, never mind telling you about the incident at all.

Is it something that the child is likely to mention to her mother?

rhondajean · 16/01/2012 20:25

I'd need more information but having had the school my daughter goes to try to brush here having here back burned in th gym hall unde the carpet, I would RL the parents.

I'd preface it with, I heard this second hand but I think you should,be aware this story is doing the rounds.

sharenicely · 16/01/2012 20:26

It completely depends what the incident is. I wouldn't risk someone losing their job over nothing.

rhondajean · 16/01/2012 20:26

RL? Tell ffs!

Bogeyface · 16/01/2012 20:27

It depends but generally only serious things are attempted to be covered up so yes I would tell her.

cookielove · 16/01/2012 20:27

agree with dawn and others

thisisyesterday · 16/01/2012 20:28

i would attempt to get your friend to take this further and inform anyone necessary

if she won't then i would tell the parents.

although it's hard to say that without knowing exactly what the issue is.

Chulita · 16/01/2012 20:28

Ack! What a horrible situation to be in! If I were the parent I'd most definitely want to know, whatever it was, if it's being covered up then it's obviously something they should be admitting.

villagegossip · 16/01/2012 20:30

What secret? Cannot say without knowing the gist of it I'm afraid.

She could've put the wrong child's name against a potato print or done something inappropriate with a White board marker - big difference Grin

Gapants · 16/01/2012 20:34

op what you have to remember is that you only have one version and source of the incident, so no matter how honest or straightforward you know your friend to be you do not actually know what happened at school. Just her reporting of the event. Your only option I think at this time it to go back to your friend, and tell her she needs to take more action as thisisyesterday suggested.

If you think your friend might lose her job or at lease be disciplined for talking to you, then you must give pause to passing the information on at present to the other mother.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/01/2012 20:35

Memoo - buggering bugger. I would talk to the friend who works in the school, tell her that you know the Mum and don't feel right about keeping this a secret but don't want to break her confidence either - so she needs to find a way to inform the Mum what happened or give you permission to. If she says she wont, then you have to decide which friendship you value most - unless whatever has happened is so serious the Mum absolutely needs to be told, then you will have to tell her and risk y

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/01/2012 20:37

(sorry)... and risk your friendship with the friend who works in the school.

But Memoo - you have enough problems of your own, don't let this kind of thing stress you out, it's not life or death either way OK x

Original poster
Memoo · 16/01/2012 20:43

I think you're spot on Chippingin. I will talk to my friend from the school.
The Incident involved the child hiding at the end of playtime. His class went in (reception class) and nobody noticed he was missing. He was out in the playground for an hour. If this was my child I would want to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Memoo · 16/01/2012 20:44

Btw it was a supply teacher not the usual class teacher.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 16/01/2012 20:47

thats not on at all. The mother needs to know about that, what the hell would have happened if the child HADNT been there an hour later? Poor wee chap must have been very frightened when he wasnt missed :(

DeWe · 16/01/2012 20:47

Unless it's a police matter then I think I'd keep it to myself.

Your friend may think they're not telling the parents, but not know that the head has asked them in for a confidential chat, it might be that she's got the wrong end of the stick, or heard unsubstanciated rumours.

If I felt it was a police matter than I think I'd have said to her that I couldn't keep it to myself, and spoken to the school or the police. I wouldn't see it as my job to tell the other parent what could be just rumour, it's going to end in problems that way. I also would have spoken up as soon af I knew which child they were talking abotu and said "oh yes, I know her mum quite well" to warn the friend. I certainly wouldn't have listened all the way through before saying something.

Gapants · 16/01/2012 20:48

An hour!!

OK, all the staff in the school will know about this, so no need to fret too much about where the "leak" has come from. It would have gone round the staff room lightening quick.

Tell the other mum. Do not reveal your source.

saladsandwich · 16/01/2012 20:48

i personally dont think you should get involved

DeWe · 16/01/2012 20:48

Bogeyface my ds would have been thrilled Grin

OnlyWantsOne · 16/01/2012 20:51

I think you should have a word with who ever told you - and discuss why it's being kept secret an encourage her to deal with it

IndigoBell · 16/01/2012 20:51

I wouldn't tell anyone. It's not that serious. It was a supply teacher and no lasting damage done.

Physical, emotional or sexual Abuse is serious. This isn't.

lockets · 16/01/2012 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 16/01/2012 20:53

a four year old isnt missed from a reception class for an hour and you dont think thats serious?

Really?!

thatboysmum · 16/01/2012 20:54

When DS first started nursery he decided to stay with another of the classes and play outside rather than sticking with his group, the nursery panicked a bit but obviously found him and mentioned it to me at the end of the day.
Obviously it freaked me out a bit but realistically I know he couldn't of actually disappeared out of the nursery etc and he was fine so we dealt with it. We then sat DS down and explained how important it was for him to listen and not just wonder off whenever he felt like it. Nothing has happened since and we are very happy with his care.
I think it is important for this lady to know even if it is just so she can have that chat with her child. The longer they leave it the worse it will get, her child may randomly come out with it one day and then she will be questioning everything, it's not fair to not tell her. I would speak with my teacher friend and get her to spill or would in fact tell her myself even if it was in the "I heard this second hand... "way that someone else has suggested.