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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you keep this secret?

80 replies

Memoo · 16/01/2012 20:23

I have a friend who works in a school (I use to work thete too) today she told me about an incident that had happened. They haven't told the parent what happened, they seem to be trying to brush it under the carpet.

The problem I have is that the mother of the child involved is somebody I have become close to because we go to the same toddler group. I feel very strongly that she should know what happened.

Obviously friend 1 shouldn't have told me what she did and she could lose her job for sharing confidential information. But friend 2 really should know.

What do I do???

OP posts:

BandOMothers · 16/01/2012 20:56

Oh jeepers tell! Terrible! it could result in all kinds of nightmares or worry for the child...not on to keep it secret on the part of the school!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/01/2012 20:58

Feckity feck feck feck... OK, the child's Mum is a friend, not your very close friend. I think I would leave it a day or two and see what happens - so many people know, it's bound to come out. If it doesn't by mid week, I'd talk to your friend at school and say that the school needs to let the Mum know becasue it's 'doing the rounds' and surely it would be better for her to be told formally than hear about it like that.

Keep your fingers crossed that they tell her tomorrow!

Why the hell they didn't tell her today I'll never know (unless she didn't do pick up), because I'd actually be more livid about not being told than I would be about them 'losing' DS for an hour.

Rhinestone · 16/01/2012 21:01

This is actually very serious and the school are covering it up purely to save themselves as they have fucked up massively.

I think you should tell the mother but I appreciate the predicament you're in with your other friend. Can you send the mother an anonymous note? Something along the lines of,

"A serious incident happened at school concerning your DS. You would want to know about it but the school are covering it up. Please speak to the headteacher.

A Friend."

That way you friend doesn't get into trouble but you are doing the right thing - IMHO.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/01/2012 21:02

I'm not sure it would do the Mum any good to know. She has a right to know of course, but what is she actually going to do with that information? She is bound to feel terrible.

I would make a point of finding out how they were going to prevent this happening in the future, and if they have taken steps to make sure it doesn't happen again, I would leave it.

Why wouldn't they do an afternoon register, it's the first thing that is done in my class after lunch break. And even if we didn't do it, I'm as certain as I can be that we would notice that a child was missing before an hour was up!

TheSecondComing · 16/01/2012 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JinglingAllTheWay · 16/01/2012 21:02

Did it happen today or did it happen last week? Longer they leave it the worse it will be when it all comes out as her ds is bound to mention it eventually!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/01/2012 21:05

IndigoBell - you don't think that a school not noticing a 4 year old was missing for an hour is serious? It's what 'could' have happened that makes it so serious, they were lucky, he was still on the school grounds and safe - he could have been wandering the streets or anything??

I would be shocked that they hadn't noticed he was missing, I would hope they would put something in place to ensure it didn't happen with future supply teachers (though I thought roll taking after lunch was standard proceedure??) but I would be calm about it, with a 'shit happens & none of us are perfect' attitude BUT if they tried to cover it up and didn't tell me, I would be LIVID because it would completely & totally destroy my trust in them. Lying to parents & covering up would have me in the Heads office & above very quickly and I'm normally pretty laid back.

Vicky0790 · 16/01/2012 21:05

It is serious and the school should be pulled up on it, but you are in a difficult position. If you tell the mother and she takes it further, your name will be brought into it as she will need to give details about what she knows and how. Also it will make her distrusting and affect her relationship with the school (bearing in mind the child is in reception). It depends on how strongly you feel that the school should be picked up on it.

SarahStratton · 16/01/2012 21:06

I think you need to tell her. Somebody needs to tell her. I would be absolutely raging if I found out my 4 year old had gone missing at school for a whole hour, and nobody had bothered to tell me.

Kladdkaka · 16/01/2012 21:08

Blimey Rhinestone, that's one way to frighten the mother out of her wits.

solidgoldbrass · 16/01/2012 21:09

Thing is, did your mate witness this happening, or is she passing on what she was told by someone else? If it's the latter, just leave it, because it could easily be exaggeration and the kid was only missing for 10 minutes.

Rhinestone · 16/01/2012 21:10

Thinking about it further, I don't think your friend would necessarily get into trouble for telling the parent. Most organisations have some kind of 'whistleblowing' policy, whereby employees are protected if they reveal something illegal / unethical that the school has done.

It might be worth them checking the school policy or phoning the Local Education Officer anonymously.

But I still think the mother has a right to know and every child in that school has a right to be protected from this happening again. That will only happen if sunlight is shed on this incident and the school has to acknowledge its failings and put things right.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 16/01/2012 21:10

rhinestone I appreciate your POV but that note would make my blood run cold and I'd be imagining something far worse.

Iusetoomuchkitchenroll - It isn't a matter of 'doing any good' - the mother has a right to know and that's all there is to it. Finding out later on (which she will) will make this so much worse. Parents place an enormous amount of trust in school staff - being lied to about something like this is just not acceptable. Supply teacher, maybe first day, I wouldn't expect them to notice a child missing. Why the register wasn't done is anyone's guess though??

Rhinestone · 16/01/2012 21:11

Kladdkaka - I suspect she would be more than frightened out of her wits if her child had actually gone missing.

LydiaWickham · 16/01/2012 21:13

Tell the mother. the school shouldn't be hiding this. You could say your 'source' is worried about her job so could the mother not say where she heard it from.

Gapants · 16/01/2012 21:17

op call your Local Authority, talk to a Primary School Co-ordinator, give your account as you know it. Request to remain anon, they will push you to give your name, but you don't need to. Then the LA will have to investigate the situation, the HT will get a bollocking, the supply teacher will get one too, mum will be informed, new safe guarding procedures will be put in place. Everyone is a winner.

Vicky0790 · 16/01/2012 21:25

I agree with gapants, speak to someone in education at your LA then the decision of what to do will be taken out of your hands.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/01/2012 21:29

Chipping, I agree. She has a right to know and the child has a right to be comforted and reassured by a parent that he is being looked after properly and his presence matters!

I just think that if the schools has put proper measures in place, then telling her might achieve nothing. If it was that clear cut, OP would have told the mother straight away.

I can only imagine how I would feel if it happened to me. And if I had no other choice about where to send my child, he was happy and had settled into school well, he had been reassured by the teachers and there was no way it was going to happen again, I think there is a small part of me that would rather not know. It would be heartbreaking to send your child to school every day knowing what had happened, even if you were sure that there were good systems in place to prevent it happening again.

SecretMinceRinser · 16/01/2012 21:33

I am shocked that the school would try to hide this tbh. If it was my dd the first thing she would do would be come home and tell me.

Original poster

Memoo · 16/01/2012 21:44

God I don't know what to do.

My friend is in a position to know exactly what happened.

Apparently the child was quite happily playing in the sand pit when he was found.

My son is in year 6 at the school. I'm thinking of telling the Childs mum that my ds had said something and then hopefully she'll go and speak to the school. Does that sound ok?

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 16/01/2012 21:46

Nothing actually happened, though, did it?

I really do not get why people are making such a big issue of a completely unharmed child.

wellwisher · 16/01/2012 21:46

I don't think I'd say anything if they child hadn't been distressed and had come to no harm. What is the point? Should everyone pull their kids out of the school? Sit in the playground all day to keep an eye out for further escapes?

Bogeyface · 16/01/2012 21:48

That sounds about the best idea Memoo, then you havent dropped anyone in it but your friend gets to know about it.

Definitely dont leave it. It doesnt matter whether the child was ok, he might not have been and thats the point.

Gapants · 16/01/2012 21:50

It is the what if component that needs to be addressed with the school and the fact that they have not shared the information with the parent. They should. They showed a lack in their duty of care, so they need to fess up, and improve the procedures. It doesn't need to be a "big deal" but that the school has not spoken with the parent, makes me think that they are not very hot on communication and safe guarding.

memoo that sounds fine, do that. Or call the LA.

thatboysmum · 16/01/2012 21:56

Memoo, I think that sounds like a reasonable story if you can't get your teacher friend to tell or the school doesn't inform her about it.

I don't think the fact that the child was found safe and sound this time is the point, what if he wasnt? What if it does happen again because there were other things that could have been put in place but weren't? If the parents aren't informed by the school, as they should be, that child could then tell them about it themselves or as in this case they will hear it from someone else, its not fair or professional. You have to trust these people to take care of your child every day, ok mistakes are made and accidents do happen but to not deal with it properly is wrong, they can't brush this under the carpet.

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