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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder about having kids after all?

115 replies

Anna1976 · 16/01/2012 00:30

I've always said no to the idea of kids. Too hard, too confronting (I had a miserable and crappy upbringing), I have no idea how to do emotional relationships (I have AS and Dp does to some extent too), i can serve the world better by doing well in my career (scientist and medic), kids would mean cutting back on the career to a point that i wonder if I could ever really have a job again (a job that I want, which indicates my level of selfish self-definition by career)...

I'm 35. DP and I agree that marriage comes before kids, and we are not married.

I'm happy with everything. I've just got a promotion at work.

But the bloody biological clock seems to have started, looking at all the schoolfriends' photos of happy kids in the summer holidays, uni friends' photos of Christmas, etc.

Am I mad?
What do I do now?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 16/01/2012 17:11

interesting you reached a different conclusion.

Quite unexpected and scary too, actually!

Chubfuddler · 16/01/2012 17:12

It's very difficult to advise because much as your set up doesnt sound ideal to bring children into the mix, if you had them you may find both you and your partner were happy to make changes you would never have countenanced. Or you may not.

Chubfuddler · 16/01/2012 17:16

Ooh has the "day orphanage" crowd arrived? I'll get my bingo card.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 16/01/2012 17:25

lol @ Chub

dreamingbohemian you are absolutely right, I was making a huge generalisation about career = long hours and lots of stress. I can see how that is not always the case. Sorry.

dreamingbohemian · 16/01/2012 18:27

vivi why is it scary? sounds like a great realisation! Smile

hearts I think it's interesting actually because I find this a lot on MN, that people think a career means you have to work long hours. For example I've seen many posts where women say they're not too happy about DH working long hours but of course he has to if he wants a career. But when I think of the people I know who are the happiest and most successful in their professional careers, I think only one works really abnormally long hours. I think it's actually a small number of career fields where long hours are the norm.

toptramp · 16/01/2012 18:34

Having children is fullfilling BUT that alone won't fullfill you. The truth is; if you are not sure do not bother. You will have to take time out from your career which you will resent and it is bloody hard work in so many ways. Being home with small kids can be boring drudge as well as having moments of wonder. If you are not a child person then really please don't do it.

ViviPru · 16/01/2012 18:35

Just scary because what has been an abstract notion for such a long time is starting to become a possible reality. And DP has no idea!

toptramp · 16/01/2012 18:35

I have to confess that having an amzing career is just as fullfilling as having kids and you get to use your brain too which dosn't always happen with tiny kids.

ViviPru · 16/01/2012 18:37

If you are not a child person then really please don't do it.

Just because you find OPC repellant, doesn't mean to say you will your own...

Heswall · 16/01/2012 18:44

One child can be very lovely and a fantastic experience, if you feel a bit unsure about the whole motherhood thing how about getting a dog, has somebody suggested that because it will give a sense of having to be there and being tied with the option of putting it in kennels for a fortnight so you can go on holiday. How I'd love to put the DC's in kennels with loving grandparents even for a weekend.

dreamingbohemian · 16/01/2012 19:03

vivi ah I see what you mean... it sounds exciting too though! Smile

I don't think getting a dog is the same thing at all. I would be quite unhappy having to take care of a dog all the time, I don't mind taking care of DS.

Someone said earlier if you can't handle a dog, don't have a child, I think that's a bad comparison personally.

skybluepearl · 16/01/2012 20:33

I was on the fence too about having kids and my childhood was a bit rubbish. Really put me off. I'm so glad I did have kids after all - it's been hard work but just amazing at the same time. I am so deeply blessed and my life is all the richer for my little ones. Work really pales into the background in comparrison - i never knew i could love like this!

I agree having one child can be a great more managable intro to motherhood.

MrsBonkers · 16/01/2012 22:11

Just to clarify, its not that I "didn't want" children, more that I didn't "want" children IYSWIM.
I agree that there's loads of things I CAN do with DD, but its the everyday stuff that I can't do that I miss. The amount this affects the OP depends on the people she has around her to an extent. e.g. I haven't had a night of uninterupted sleep since I was about 3months pregnant and I miss it! I miss being able to use the bathroom as soon as I get up in the morning without having to sort her out first. I miss being able to stay just 30mins at work to finish off whatever I'm working on or have a chat with a colleague without having to rush off to nursery.
Work-wise things worked out really well. I couldn't go back to my old job, so ended up going back to same company at a higher level meaning I get the same salary for a 3 day week. DD is at nursery those 3 days and seems to love it.

ImpOfThePerverse · 16/01/2012 22:45

'I agree having one child can be a great more managable intro to motherhood'

What if it's twins? Grin

Scuttlebutter · 16/01/2012 23:23

Op, I'm 46 and don't have DC. I think it's easy to want them when you see the classic Kodak moments - shrieks round the Christmas tree or on a summer holiday building sandcastles, but of course that's very far from the whole story.

As this is MN, you'll get lots and lots of people telling you about the upsides of being a parent. As a person who doesn't have DC, I'm here to tell you about the other fork in the road.

Because of your age, many of your contemporaries will have small DC - often when they are at their most cute and attractive. As you get older, the DC will morph into sullen, stroppy teenagers and parents become slightly less soppy! Grin I can also remember going through a phase when I was in my early thirties when it seemed like everyone around me was giving birth. All the time. It seemed almost impossible to escape - rather like being incorporated into the Borg. Grin

Now i'm in my forties the picture is very different. DH and I have a wide and varied set of friends, some are parents, many are not. We have built a life together of conscious choices about work and time, which allows us to do those things that are important to us - for instance, I have spent most of the last week working like mad on a puppy farming consultation paper. We enjoy family get-togethers, have nephews to stay regularly and regularly care for older relatives. Last year and the year before I spent a lot of time with a dear friend who was terminally ill with bowel cancer. She passed away in March but I was so pleased that I had been able to be there for her, both to enjoy her company (i still miss her) and to provide help and support.

I think what I'm trying to say, probably not very well, is that when you don't have children, it is still possible to be an important part of a family, to be a supportive and valued friend, to do work of meaning and value, to have a life built on shared values, filled with happiness and contentment. Of course there will be sadnesses (such as bereavements and ill health) but life is very precious and wonderful. Ironically, we have three much loved dogs so we experience many of the ties associated with small children and a great deal of the mess. Everything in our life is there because DH and I want it to be - as a couple our values are very important, and from these, flow our priorities in terms of what we do, how we organise our lives and our resources. If you are lucky enough to be able to live with integrity in a way that is congruent with your values then you will be happy and you will probably find the decisions about having children fall into place.

Good luck, and I wish you happiness. Smile

BridgetJonesPants · 16/01/2012 23:32

I had a great life before having my DD. I was in my late 30's, in a happy relationship with boyfriend of several years, had a good job, was well paid, owned my own house with a small mortgage o/s, went good holidays, had great social life etc etc. We never really spoke about having kids and to be honest, I didn't have any maternal feelings & was too selfish to give up all the good things in my life so having kids was never on the cards.

......but guess what, I accidently fell pregnant (drunken night out Blush....with boyfriend of course) and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew it was the right thing for me - which came as a huge surprise. BF wasn't quite so sure to start with (he was working / living 250 miles away at the time), but fast forward 8 years and DD is the best thing that ever happened to us (but I've never had the urge for another baby). I don't miss my previous life one bit. I now work p/t, we have less money than before and have very few nights out. Thankfully, we still manage a holiday each year but they're now geared towards child friendly places.

My life now is very different but when I look at my DD (even when she's been a little monster) I just think how empty it was before she came along. She really is the light of my life and I can't describe how wonderful it is to be a mum. However, having said all that, if it hadn't been for that drunken night Grin, I'm sure I'd still be happy with my previous life. For me anyway, what I didn't have, I couldn't miss!

Anna, Sorry I can't give you any advice but thought I'd share my experience. Hope it all works out for you.

dreamingbohemian · 17/01/2012 00:14

Scuttle that's a beautiful post Smile

That's very much what I hoped my life would be like, once upon a time

Tbh while I love having DS I do think I would still be very happy if we had decided not to have any DC. It would be different, but still good.

Anna1976 · 17/01/2012 01:05

Thankyou all very much indeed, for all the kind, insightful and helpful posts... lots to go away and think about/ discuss here.

-Academic working hours (we'd both need to reduce our default hours of all available waking time, we would also both need more sympathetic employers, though we haven't actually tested out either...),
-academic job prospects (Dp is past probation, thankfully; I couldn't stay on track as a surgeon AND an academic, but could probably do one or the other),
-childcare (nursery definitely, but not ridiculous hours, thus the need for change to our hours),
-other help (no grandparents or family here),
-ASD & alexithyma (we are working on it anyway),
-kids limiting what we can do (well we really only work these days anyway... and walking holidays, concerts and museums can be done with kids too eventually)
-not being totally sure (there is a lot to be said for finding your own kids delightful. My mother bitterly regretted children (well, me specifically), and I am worried i might do the same for different reasons)
-strength of partnership (marriage would be good anyway - we need to have this discussion properly)

...and if we had a kid we could have a dog too!

thanks again Smile

OP posts:
LaCerbiatta · 17/01/2012 12:42

Camberwick green: my ds is in nursery full time and so was dd. They're happy and balanced children with no traumas, no lack of love, no issues. How dare you call them poor little souls and say I shouldn't have bothered?? Shame on you!

ChitChatInChaos · 17/01/2012 20:03

Just to add - I don't particulaly like lots of other little children (some aren't toooo bad Grin) - didn't mind my nieces and nephews when they got a bit older and more interesting. But I love mine to bits.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 17/01/2012 20:21

Anna. I will be 40 next month. We have a 9 and a 6 year old.

This summer we walked 25 km, and stayed overnight in a cabin, 12.5 km mountain walk each day. Yes, tucking your children into their sleeping bags by a roaring log fire is lovely. Carrying sleeping bags and change of clothes and food for two days, is part an parcel of the experience. We did 12 mountain hikes with the kids this summer. The longest was 17 km in one day. The highest altitude we have gone with the kids, is up 900 meters. They love it. They enjoy both cross country skiing and downhill skiing. Fishing, and foraging for berries. They also like art museums, and culture. My oldest was just 6 when I took him to his first violin concerto to see his favourite musician. We also spent 2 weeks in Nice, where they were exploring museums with us. You can pretty much do all that you enjoy doing with your kids. Get them into the kind of life you enjoy, and you have companionship for life.

Anna1976 · 17/01/2012 22:41

ah QuintessentiallyShallow, can i be you please? Grin that all sounds like just what i'd like to be doing.

OP posts:
whoputmeincharge · 17/01/2012 23:01

YANBU. It's ok to change your mind. It's good to think about the options and impacts. But best of all, it's great to have choices about life. I chose to try and combine both a career and family. And you know what? I think i just about managed them both, so far! Run my own company, husband has full on job. 4 DCs. No home help or nanny. Necessity forces focus and us to both work some blelly funny hours. Personally, i have found having children, and step-children, is a lesson in all forms of love including the throttling type that makes me think I was living in black and white before. Hurrah for using both your heart and your head.

whoputmeincharge · 17/01/2012 23:03

PS we make them walk up munros and sleep in sleeping bags. And it's lovely to look at them sleeping when they've moaned all day about how much further it is

RevoltingPeasant · 17/01/2012 23:58

Gaaaah I just typed a really long amazing post and it got eaten.

Anna, I was going to say that I don't know what life is like as a surgeon but as an academic I think you will find that most employers are sympathetic to the desire for a family life. Don't know about surgery but in a purely research/ teaching career, the pay is not great, the hours are long, and you normally need to haul yourself + partner across the country to even get a job. So employers tend to be fairly understanding that people will want to have some kind of family life.

E.g., technically we teach 9-6 but if you have children you can bunk off the last slot. Or, if you have children you don't need to do student open days on weekends.

Maybe you should try something I am going to do later this term? - which is to try to live 2 weeks work-wise as though I did have kids. So I am going to leave to 'pick them up from nursery' for 6 and then go home and not work till 8.30 - then do 8.30-11. But no weekends. I'm going to see how much I can fit into these hours, how efficient I can make it. As an experiment.

Worth trying? Also what do you want to do with surgery - do you want to be a consultant?

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