Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To expect a bit more from grandparents at Christmas and birthdays?

105 replies

Doclou · 15/01/2012 11:37

Please let me know if I'm getting on my high horse but I think I need a reality check because I dont know if I've lost the plot. My parents live in a large house in a well-off area and even though we never talk about money (taboo!) they are probably not in need of a bob or two. They have been retired for over ten years but they are in good health and they go on holiday at least four times each year, at least two of which is a long haul holiday or a cruise. They are currently planning to spend a large quantity of cash on revamping their kitchen.
This may sound very unreasonable but I wish they would recognise their GC (my three wonderful DCs) more when birthdays and Christmas come around. It was my DD's birthday yesterday (10 years already - where did the time go?!) and she received a £10 in a card together with a Liberty bath set (body butter, anyone?) that was so obviously bought in the after Christmas sales. Usually the gifts are simply a £20 note inside an envelope at both Christmas and birthdays and my DH and I often laugh that the total amount that they spend on presents for their GCs each year is about half the Winter Fuel Allowance that they receive from the Govt. In contrast, woe betide us if my mother doesn't receive a bouquet of flowers on Mothers Day and her birthday.
I know that love can't be measured in material terms and I hate myself for thinking in this way, but given that my parents make very little effort to get involved with our day-to-day activities or help us out in practical ways (we live about 40 miles from them) I had hoped that they might demonstrate their love/commitment to their GCs in other ways. I did tentatively broach the subject over the Christmas holidays when I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future but their response made me think I had horns growing out of my head! What do you all think?

OP posts:

randommoment · 15/01/2012 11:41

Children cost more and more as they get older, esp. if they're going to go to university. So it would be very helpful to you in your long term budgeting if they would let you know if any support is planned for their future. But you'll need to word it right if you're not going to come over as wanting to know what they've left you in their will, which would send them ballistic. Maybe draft a letter?

FabbyChic · 15/01/2012 11:43

I think £20 at birthdays and christmas is enough, my children get nothing, when they did they got £10 on a birthday and £15 at christmas.

Groovee · 15/01/2012 11:44

Both our parents are comfortable but have always given £20 for birthdays and christmas. Surely it's the thought that counts and not the monetary value. I get very little help and support day to day. We just have to lower our expectations of what grandparents do than what we would like.

Kellogg · 15/01/2012 11:45

Yabu, why should your parents financially support te children you chose to have. If they wish to that is kind, I am shocked you would ask.

£20 seems fine to me.

usualsuspect · 15/01/2012 11:46

I think they can spend their money on what they like

Kellogg · 15/01/2012 11:46

I think that if you are someone you shows love through gifts you can forget that many people don't.

TheParanoidAndroid · 15/01/2012 11:47

You asked them if they were investing money for your children?

Thats appallingly crass, IMO.

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2012 11:47

I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future but their response made me think I had horns growing out of my head! What do you all think?

I think I can't get over the cheek of that

They've raised their own children, now you raise yours and stop looking for handouts.

Honestly, money does some very strange things to people.

Why do some people automatically think they're entitled to a share of someone else's instead of concentrating on earning their own?

ASByatt · 15/01/2012 11:47

You have a very entitled attitude, sorry.

Haziedoll · 15/01/2012 11:48

I wouldn't ask them if they are investing for your children because it's quite obvious that they are not. You will have to assume that they aren't and if it turns out that they are consider it a bonus.

They do sound quite selfish but they are not obliged to support your children financially or otherwise.

usualsuspect · 15/01/2012 11:48

I can't believe you asked them what they intended to do with their money

annalovesmrbates · 15/01/2012 11:48

Maybe they don't place as importance on gifts as you do. My SIL comes from a very well off family and she/they find giving big gifts "vulgar". My other SIL is from Singapore and still finds giving cards/presents at birthdays/Christmas strange.

annalovesmrbates · 15/01/2012 11:48

babybythesea · 15/01/2012 11:49

I was all set to say YWBU but the comment that made me re-think was the bunch of flowers thing. If you don't put much thought into giving, then fine. But you can't have it both ways and demand things for yourself.
I think you may just have to accept that your parents aren't that interested -the lack of involvement (not necessarily to help you out but just to spend time the the GC) says enough - buying expensive gifts wouldn't change that.

heyannie · 15/01/2012 11:51

I think you are being unreasonable. They are your children, not theirs, so it's your responsibility to invest in their future. They've done their bit by raising you! You would still be unreasonable even if they were spending their money on whiskey and porn instead of holidays, it's up to them what they do. Anything they give is a gift, not an entitlement.

A gift of £10 or £20 is fine for a child (a lot of money in fact). I would be delighted to get a £20 note for my birthday and I am 28!

NatashaBee · 15/01/2012 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heyannie · 15/01/2012 11:52

And 40 miles is a long way, making it a bit impractical for them if they were to help out with the practical things day to day...

ben5 · 15/01/2012 11:52

both my boys get around 20 pounds for christmas and birthdays. they also have to other grandchildren. It soon mnts up so I don't really mind

babybythesea · 15/01/2012 11:53

Hmm, just read what I wrote - I initially meant your DM can't demand things and not really reciprocate. But, looking at it another way - she gets a bunch of flowers. Is that because it's the easy option for you, or because she loves flowers? Because if you send flowers as the easy option, are you not doing the same to her - not really putting thought into what she wants? I don't know and I'm not judging as I've only got one sentence to go on, but just realised that it could cut both ways.

Seona1973 · 15/01/2012 11:53

I would never ask or expect my mother or dh's parents to invest money in our kids future. We had the children and it is up to us to provide for them. Money in a card also sounds fine to me.

BendyBob · 15/01/2012 11:55

If they are comfortably off, yes I think they could be a bit more generous, I can see what you're saying here.

Lord knows how you'd ever broach the subject though. In all probability they're not going to say 'hey you're right' and change tack. It'll just end in a bad atmosphere which you'll never shake.

I think this thread won't end well though. On mn thou shalt not expect a present.

SootySweepandSue · 15/01/2012 11:56

It does seem like there are a lot of people on these boards with very wealthy GPs! Very strange how this has all turned out. I remember my GPs as a child being very poor and was so grateful for £5 and a hard-boiled sweetie.

lesley33 · 15/01/2012 11:57

I have found with older people that their idea of what to give at xmas and birthday doesn't necessarily rise that much over the years. So for example, my gran started out giving my dcs £5 each for xmas - which was very generous at the time. 14 years later it had risen to £8, which wasn't so generous. I wasn't complaining - but I think in her head she just though okay I give them £5 and then every 5 years or thereabout thought I'd better put that up a bit - add on a £1.

And if they aren't involved in a day to day basis, giving presnets to dcs can be a nightmare as what they like or dislike can change so quickly - so money is sensible.

It also sounds as if your parents are still quite healthy. Many older people in this situation will go on lots of holidays if they can afford it as they know from watching friends get ill that they may literally not have many years left when they are well enough to take or enjoy these kind of holidays. It is frightening seeing healthy friends who were active suddenly get ill and struggling to make simple everyday trips.

So they may be thinking this is our last chance potentially to visit some wonderful places and enjoy them - while they will rightly see you and your dcs having many years ahead of you to enjoy holidays. Mnay older people if theyc can afford it will also improve kitchens or bathrooms - with the idea in their head that this will be the last improvement they will make and it could last them over 20 years. When people get ill or very old, improvements like this are often too stressful to make, so it makes sense to do it now.

Just trying to offer you a different way of looking at how they may be thinking. Its not not caring about you and your dcs, but thinking about the limited amount of time they will have left and making the most of it.

heyannie · 15/01/2012 11:57

Oh, and there is nothing wrong with a gift bought in the sales, and a Liberty bath set is very posh for a ten year old. If I had received a gift like that at that age I would have been busying myself with feeling all grown up, rather than worrying how much it cost (probably a bomb even in the sales, knowing Liberty).

AriesWithBellsOn · 15/01/2012 11:58

I knew it was only a matter of time before someone used the word "grabby".

Personally I think, although the OP was somewhat crass in asking her parents what they intended doing with their money, it is hard not to compare to friends' grandparents. If "the norm" seems to be for grandparents to muck in and be delighted to spend time with their grandchildren and to want to spoil them a bit (which let's face it, is the norm) then it must be a bit difficult to swallow if your own parents don't seem interested, even if you know you're being a bit unreasonable and possibly entitled. I don't blame you OP, but you are possibly B a bit U.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5