To expect a bit more from grandparents at Christmas and birthdays?

[Doclou]

Please let me know if I'm getting on my high horse but I think I need a reality check because I dont know if I've lost the plot. My parents live in a large house in a well-off area and even though we never talk about money (taboo!) they are probably not in need of a bob or two. They have been retired for over ten years but they are in good health and they go on holiday at least four times each year, at least two of which is a long haul holiday or a cruise. They are currently planning to spend a large quantity of cash on revamping their kitchen.
This may sound very unreasonable but I wish they would recognise their GC (my three wonderful DCs) more when birthdays and Christmas come around. It was my DD's birthday yesterday (10 years already - where did the time go?!) and she received a £10 in a card together with a Liberty bath set (body butter, anyone?) that was so obviously bought in the after Christmas sales. Usually the gifts are simply a £20 note inside an envelope at both Christmas and birthdays and my DH and I often laugh that the total amount that they spend on presents for their GCs each year is about half the Winter Fuel Allowance that they receive from the Govt. In contrast, woe betide us if my mother doesn't receive a bouquet of flowers on Mothers Day and her birthday.
I know that love can't be measured in material terms and I hate myself for thinking in this way, but given that my parents make very little effort to get involved with our day-to-day activities or help us out in practical ways (we live about 40 miles from them) I had hoped that they might demonstrate their love/commitment to their GCs in other ways. I did tentatively broach the subject over the Christmas holidays when I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future but their response made me think I had horns growing out of my head! What do you all think?

I don't think a twenty pound note in an envelope even shows any thought to be honest.

OP I will be the lone voice here but i don't think you are being unreasonable.

I would be devastated if my parents showed as little interest in the grandchildren. It is surely also only sensible as parents get older to discuss their financial intentions with their children - even if those intentions are to blow the lot on a round the world trip, which would be perfectly within their right - as there are implications for both sides around potential care as their health deteriorates.

It is rather strange not to know anything. And it's hardly unreasonable to talk about support for their grandchildrens education later either in my experience.

This attitude which I see frequently on here, that children are solely the responsibility of the parents - do you remember the saying about it taking a village to raise a child? - I can only imagine leads to extremely stressed, isolated and unhappy people. And that's not me being judgey, I don't give a hoot what you do, its based on my knowledge of how people work.

What you actually do about it though, I don't have a clue.

My parents are in their late 50s and both just retired having done modest jobs since they left school. They are always on holiday/cruising! We joke about them "spending my inheritance" but I wouldn't have it any other way. They've both worked hard all their life so why shouldn't they spend their money on what they want?

I have a baby on the way and would never dream of asking them to contribute financially to their upbringing, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself. I chose to have kids! If they do give anything I will see it as a bonus but I certainly wouldn't EXPECT it.

Although I do agree the body butter is a bit at that age!

I did tentatively broach the subject over the Christmas holidays when I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future...

You didn't? Really?

I would have been appalled to be on the receiving end of such a question.

If I was your mother, you would have just ensured that any plans I might have had for GCs were put firmly on hold.

Also in terms of future financial planning. Unless your parents could afford to and are willing to give you money soon - which sounds unlikely - never rely on an inheritance or promise of future money. If they live long enough, there is a very high chance that one or both will need some kind of care. I know this can often be provided at home.

But if they had to go into a home this is very very expensive and 2 years care home payments would easily wipe out any savings and equity in their house.

Plan for your dcs future bearing only your own income in mind - and then if you do get any gifts in future its a nice extra.

My children, my responsibility to invest for their future (or not) which I have (because I am in fortunate position of doing so - not a massive amount as we are both NHS workers on very average salaries). Would never ask any grandparents to do this. My children have 3 sets of grandparents , one set have in total 6 grandchildren and spend £50 per child at Christmas, one set have 9 grandchildren and spend £20 per child, other set have 4 grandchildren and spend £35 per child.

Do my children care at the different amounts (they are old enough to know as 2 prefer money now!) or love their grandparents any less/more depending on the amount - of course not.

Also each set of grandparents has different lifestyle - one pair holiday several times a year, one set tend to go away once or twice a year, other set rarely go away - again their choice and matters not one jot. Do I expect to inherit any money - not really, I would prefer my parents/in laws to spend it on themselves keeping themselves comfortable.

I think the money in the card would be fine if they were getting involved in other ways throughout the year too (ie the occasional trip to the cinema or offering a contribution for some new football boots etc, that kind of thing) but it doesn't sound as though they are.

Don't understand what your problem is:
gifts bought in the sale - so what?
20 quid for birthday/Xmas - thank you is the appropriate response here
saving for your children to go to university - why should they? your children are your respnsibility, regardless of how much money they have.
No wonder your mum gave you a funny look - you were extremely rude!

Regardless of what I think of the op, I can't help thinking that when I see the words 'grabby' or 'entitled' in a response then the argument has been lost. It's real shorthand for 'I can't be arsed to think of a proper answer'.

This attitude which I see frequently on here, that children are solely the responsibility of the parents...

Of course children are the parents' responsibility!

Unless you're giving other people a say in the decision on whether or not you have children, you're being incredibly entitled if you think anyone else should be contributing to their upbringing.

YANBU to wish that they would spend a little more on getting your dc things they would really like for birthdays and Christmas, but YABVU to ask if they want to invest in their GCs future.

If you want your children to have that, it's your responsibility.

Thank you Gwendoline!

Did your grandparents give you big presents? Did they get big presents from their grandparents? Are they following the norm for your family are have they changed it?
To my view if you don't have expectations you don't get disappointed and anything extra comes as a lovely surprise.

sorry or have they changed it-not are.

Actually I agree with other posters as well that it doesn't sound as if you put much thought into their presents either.

I have this with one sil who expects me to take an enormous amount of interest in her family and dcs - but practically ignores mine. It should cut both ways.

i think twenty quid is fine BUT as your mum is demanding bunches of flowers for herself then it becomes unfair so because of that yanbu a little bit, otherwise would have been yabu

My family contribute to my daughter in terms of sharing wisdom, lending a hand, taking her out. I don't thin the phrase "it takes a village" refers to people financially paying for your children.

rhondajean 'This attitude which I see frequently on here, that children are solely the responsibility of the parents - do you remember the saying about it taking a village to raise a child?'

That's not the same as implying that the whole village should be paying for the privilege though, surely?

kellogg- cross posts!

Grabby and entitled - how awful to ask them about investing for your children. Do they have any other grandchildren?

y a really really b u

Great minds.

OP... you're out of touch and you sound really ungrateful. Gifts are token, if they spend time with your DCs then that is what counts.

As for your comment on financial investment in your DCs.... that's YOUR job, nobody else's.

Also in the - it takes a village - its not just about raising children. It si about everybody supporting everyone else. So helping out elderly or disabled family members as well. Sometimes - and I am not saying the op is one - people can expect extended family to be very supportive in helping to raise their child, but don't recognise that they should also give support to elderly or disabled family members where this is needed.

If you're asking them if they're going to invest for their grandchildren's future, might they not reasonably ask if you're going to invest for their nursing care should they need it in later years?

Perhaps rather than buying flowers for your mother's birthday, you could take the children round with plants for her garden to encourage some interraction?

I think the gift was dull, but not particularly mean.

Why did you ever think it would be OK to ask if they were investing money for the DC future? I'm not surprised they were horrified. Its not so much tentatively broaching a subject as jumping in with boots on.

Wow! What a barrage!
I feel suitably chastised and reality-checked. Thanks, everyone