To expect a bit more from grandparents at Christmas and birthdays?

[Doclou]

Please let me know if I'm getting on my high horse but I think I need a reality check because I dont know if I've lost the plot. My parents live in a large house in a well-off area and even though we never talk about money (taboo!) they are probably not in need of a bob or two. They have been retired for over ten years but they are in good health and they go on holiday at least four times each year, at least two of which is a long haul holiday or a cruise. They are currently planning to spend a large quantity of cash on revamping their kitchen.
This may sound very unreasonable but I wish they would recognise their GC (my three wonderful DCs) more when birthdays and Christmas come around. It was my DD's birthday yesterday (10 years already - where did the time go?!) and she received a £10 in a card together with a Liberty bath set (body butter, anyone?) that was so obviously bought in the after Christmas sales. Usually the gifts are simply a £20 note inside an envelope at both Christmas and birthdays and my DH and I often laugh that the total amount that they spend on presents for their GCs each year is about half the Winter Fuel Allowance that they receive from the Govt. In contrast, woe betide us if my mother doesn't receive a bouquet of flowers on Mothers Day and her birthday.
I know that love can't be measured in material terms and I hate myself for thinking in this way, but given that my parents make very little effort to get involved with our day-to-day activities or help us out in practical ways (we live about 40 miles from them) I had hoped that they might demonstrate their love/commitment to their GCs in other ways. I did tentatively broach the subject over the Christmas holidays when I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future but their response made me think I had horns growing out of my head! What do you all think?

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I don't think ur unreasonable for wishing they might be a bit more generous but really u can't do a lot about it, maybe they think they supported u as a child and are leaving u to support ur dcs. Perhaps that's how they were raised - leaving u to stand on ur own two feet etc? I guess if they are very wealthy they may leave u something but u can't rely on that and certainly u can't ask if they have, just need to see if they offer that info another time.

All in all best just get on with it and not worry about what they have or don't have etc

£20 per child every birthday/Christmas sounds quite generous to me! What would you consider an acceptable amount? As for lack of thought, not so long ago it used to be quite normal for grandparents/aunts/uncles to send a card with maybe £5 or some small amount for the child to spend on sweets etc. Has that changed?

I agree it was very rude of you to ask if they were 'investing' their money for your children's future - I'm actually quite shocked someone would actually ask this outright. What they spend their money on is absolutely none of your business.

Really hope this is a wind-up and you're not really so greedy, entitled and socially clueless!

BendyBob It's all very well assuming that the GPs are well off just because they have a 'big' house and have four holidays a year.

(a) we don't know if they cashed in on the equity in their house (if their mortgage had been paid off) to enable them to enjoy what is theirs (b) we don't know how much they scrimp and save to pay for the holidays if they are not using equity
(c) we don't know what expenses they have to fork out for the house. Do they employe a part time gardener, cleaner? Housework like that bnecomes harder as one ages.

Oh dear. My list should have read (a), (b) and (c)!

OP were you disappointed at the lack of money or the lack of thought/effort?

If the former then YABU. However, if the latter then YANNBU (You Are Not Necessarily Being Unreasonable). It is one of the problems with a January birthday that other people are worn out with present buying and celebrating so tend to be a bit meagre when it comes to January (I have been celebrating a January birthday for quite some time now).

I do think that asking about whether GPs are putting money aside for their GCs was a bit crass.

On the other hand I do loathe this 'spending the kids inheritance' as it is normally in fact spending the kids mortgage. Many people with large pension funds and huge property gains should remember that much of this came from luck not particularly hard work. Those property gains are reflected in current mortgages.

I think I'm on the fence!

I agree with heyannie, and not just because she has an excellent name.

I think you have behaved appallingly and your entitled attitude is ridiculous.

Sorry if that is a bit blunt.

If they send a card, that's lovely. Be glad. Say thanks. Say sorry if you can manage it; if not, just move forward.

never mind....just re-read the OP and this gem - my DH and I often laugh that the total amount that they spend on presents for their GCs each year is about half the Winter Fuel Allowance that they receive from the Govt. has convinced me it is definitely a wind-up!

gnomedeplume - My kids are all teenagers and approaching adulthood. We have savings and in theory at the moment, decent pensions when we retire. We live in a nice house.

We couldn't afford the house now. But apart from that, nothing else comes from increase in house prices. The savings and pension do come from hard work and thriftiness. Unless someone elderly releases equity in their home or downsizes, the increase in value in their house will not give themactually any money in their pocket.

That is why there are a lot of elderly people who live in decent houses but have very little actual cash.

lesley33 it is the already retired and downsized I was thinking of. I have known a lot of people who have retired on extremely generous pensions, downsized from large houses they couldnt afford to buy and are now enjoying lifestyles their working life didnt really pay for. It's windfall that's all.

TBH it is the smugness which goes with spending the kids inheritance which makes my teeth itch.

I think the OP may have been clumsily alluding to the fact that money was shoved into a card instead of actually taking an interest in their children's children.I think I would be quite worried to see my parents spending all their savings on jollies whilst leaving me with the worrying expense of care homes and funerals.

Being brought up I was always told to accept gifts at face value rather than monetary value. So no matter what I received for birthday or Xmas, I was always grateful and never even thought of how much it might have cost.

I hope you don't allow your children to see or hear your views of their grandparents being 'tight' with their money otherwise they will grow up expecting gifts to be of a higher monetary value. Which is a selfish way of receiving gifts. There is nothing worse than seeing a child throw a strop because they didn't receive an expensive gift.

Let your parents give gifts how they want to. Any member of my family would be horrified if another said 'buy a gift for X and Y at this value'. It's greedy and very bad etiquette.

YABVU. It's you who should financially prepare for your childrens future. It was your choice to have children, you can't expect people to cover the cost of your choices.

this is a wind-up is it not?

Greenshirt You don't have to pay for funerals of people who own their own homes. When my parents died, I paid for the funeral but claimed all expenses back from their estates. That is the usual thing to do. If there were precious little in the estate, I would see - for my own satisfaction - that my parents had decent funerals. They do not have to cost a fortune (depends what you call a fortune).

As for care homes, after the house was sold and the money used up, they would cost you nothing except for a treat of a box of chocolates or bottle of wine occasionally. The taxpayer would pick up that bill.

Mine get 25 each off each set of GP's. It's fine but more would be helpful. I do think you are responsible for supporting your kids in the future - not the GP's though

If the flowers are an isue - then give a smaller bunch.

I do think they are missing out by showing little interest but that is their choice. My IL's are the same but they are awful, so I don't mind at all.

Do you take an interest in your parents?

When our sons were small, we were fairly hard up. Holidays were camping or later on staying with relatives in Spain. My mum helped us out when we needed it, for example when our DCs were tiny and we bought our first house but could not afford to put in central heating. Now we are comfortably off and try to be as generous as we can to our sons when they need help. We take them and the DGCs on holiday and contribute to house purchase/renovation.
We regard our money as family money and hope that we will be able to pass decent chunks on to our sons and grandchildren.

I think that the OP is perfectly reasonable to expect help from parents who can afford it. Families should help and support each other, that is what families are for.

YABU and imo rather rude and grabby!
My Dad and Step-Mum live in a lovely house, in an expensive area, have 2 cars, a top of the range caravan, and about 4 foreign holidays a year. For Christmas they bought my DS' a suitcase each (Dad told me they were £10) and sledge each, and a board game to share. All have been used/played with (the sledges in the bath ) and the boys are pleased with it all.
ILs otoh spent a fortune on stuff that is still in in boxes, as they have no idea what my DS' like. MIL is convinced that, because she spent more money, she is better
I know what I think!

Gnome, anybody who has had a mortgage for the usual 25 years and has paid it off, may have gained in the value of their property, but given that they would have been subject to mortgage interest rates of up to 15% in the late 80's and early 90's, I would suggest that to say they have gained through 'luck rather than hard work' is a tad insulting. How do you think they managed to find the money to pay their mortgages if not through hard work?

OP, FWIW, I think YANBU to be disappointed at the lack of thought shown by stuffing money in an envelope for a child at Christmas - a present, even if half the price, was always much more exciting and welcome both when I was a child and for my own DCs when they were children. However, YABVU to have any expectation of your parents making any sort of financial provision for your DCs. Your parents have worked and presumably, supported you throughout your childhood. Now is the time when they should be entitled to expect to enjoy themselves with whatever funds they have at their disposal. It would be nice if they chose to do something for your DCs, but you should not expect it and should certainly not ask them what they are going to do - it makes you sound very greedy I am afraid.

I disagree sayithowitis, I am old enough to remember the good old days of high interest rates. Whether someone made huge property gains or not was really down to luck. If you bought a year or 2 either side made a huge difference.

I dont have a problem with people spending their property gains if they want to but those people who made mega gains do have to remember that luck played a huge part in it and that those property gains are reflected in the size of current mortgages. Those big gains didnt come out of nowhere.

I would guess that GPs are 60s/70s. So have another 30 years to go, living on savings and pension.

With cost of living soaring they are prob within their rights to hog any money they have for holidays/old age/care homes.

And if OP is not depending on them, they can hardly expect her to step in when they are old and needy and depend on her. She might be grateful of this distant relationship in years to come.

This sounds uncaring but old age lasts a looooong time these days.

I generally think there are two types of GP's and I see it everyday. Most of my friends have very hands-on want to get involved GP's give lots of time, spend time playing, taking on day trips and sleep overs and if grandparents want to be to part of the "unit" then they have to make the effort. I see GP's who would love to be more involved with their GC but usually an in-law seems to put a stop on it. GP's should want to spend time with their GC and spend the odd day here and there making a loving contribution. I dont get the point that others make that they've brought you up so thats the end - what??? When I talk to the parents of my friends they love this time, they are retired and can have a more relaxed time to enjoy the GP's, they love their children and want to see them happy too, help out ocassionally and more than anything want to 'bond' and 'involvment' that lots of GP's dont have and would love. I am surrounded by friends and family who have GP's who take their GC on holidays or have them for a long weekends while M&D go off and have some well needed rest and quality time together. Also while they are young and healthy surely whats wrong with that? I understand when they get frail and struggle with day to day.

I find birthdays embarasing here too, my children have best presents from their great auntie while my mum makes a song and dance about giving £10. I sometimes think she's doing it to make a point. My MIL would spend£50. So I dont think its anything to do with what they have as I seem to find the more they have the tighter they get. We have to endure dinner with my mums partner spouting off his investments, holidays, what he last spent his money on and then get nothing from him at christmas & birthdays.

I also have friends who expect to have windfalls on their parents death (but there are many people who think its their right but I dont) or expect lump sums for their children while growing up. I dont expect anything but also my mum isnt affluent either. I totally understand if your parents are affluent that you expect a little more help - you'd think they would want to.

I totally agree with HintofBream - families should want to. What the OP is saying that the GPs do neither really. Wish my childrens GP gave more time.

I think this is more to do with the showing of love than hands in their pockets. I'm guessing the OP had lots of material things growing up to make up for distant parents.