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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a bit more from grandparents at Christmas and birthdays?

105 replies

Doclou · 15/01/2012 11:37

Please let me know if I'm getting on my high horse but I think I need a reality check because I dont know if I've lost the plot. My parents live in a large house in a well-off area and even though we never talk about money (taboo!) they are probably not in need of a bob or two. They have been retired for over ten years but they are in good health and they go on holiday at least four times each year, at least two of which is a long haul holiday or a cruise. They are currently planning to spend a large quantity of cash on revamping their kitchen.
This may sound very unreasonable but I wish they would recognise their GC (my three wonderful DCs) more when birthdays and Christmas come around. It was my DD's birthday yesterday (10 years already - where did the time go?!) and she received a £10 in a card together with a Liberty bath set (body butter, anyone?) that was so obviously bought in the after Christmas sales. Usually the gifts are simply a £20 note inside an envelope at both Christmas and birthdays and my DH and I often laugh that the total amount that they spend on presents for their GCs each year is about half the Winter Fuel Allowance that they receive from the Govt. In contrast, woe betide us if my mother doesn't receive a bouquet of flowers on Mothers Day and her birthday.
I know that love can't be measured in material terms and I hate myself for thinking in this way, but given that my parents make very little effort to get involved with our day-to-day activities or help us out in practical ways (we live about 40 miles from them) I had hoped that they might demonstrate their love/commitment to their GCs in other ways. I did tentatively broach the subject over the Christmas holidays when I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future but their response made me think I had horns growing out of my head! What do you all think?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2012 12:14

Someone got it right the other day on another thread when they said that this culture of Grand parents spoiling their kids with material things and lavishing attention upon them, is a fairly new thing.

When I was growing up, I used to love visiting my Grand parents as I would run straight out into their garden to play, while the adults talked. They weren't expected to come out and play with us...now and then they'd call us in and we'd have a glass of squash and a slice of Gran's cake or one of Grandad's special toffees.

They are perfect childhood memories that myself and all my cousins share.

There was no expectation of financial investment/expensive presents or child minding duties.

Life was far more simple then

suburbandream · 15/01/2012 12:14

I think you have to judge it really on how they treated you as a child/adolescent. If they showered you with presents and attention, sent you to private school and paid your university fees then I can understand you being surprised that they are not as generous with their grandchildren. Some grandparents are more generous with both time and money than others I'm afraid, and really as others have said it's their money and they can do what they like with it.

eurochick · 15/01/2012 12:15

Perhaps they are trying to make sure their grandkids don't turn out spoiled and entitled, like, er, you, OP....

I cannot believe you asked them about investing for the future! It is their money, to do with as they like. No doubt they spent a lifetime of working hard to get to where they are. They are entitled to enjoy it now. You should focus on providing for your children and your own future.

hairytaleofnewyork · 15/01/2012 12:17

Yabu

I asked them whether they were investing any of their money for their GC's future but their response made me think I had horns growing out of my head! What do you all think?

Seriously??? that was really cheeky and presumptuous.

ComposHat · 15/01/2012 12:18

Unbelievable...

You are being unreasonable 20quid is ample for a ten year old's present. Exactly 20 quid more than I ever had from my nan, but hey.

As for saving you a few quid asking them to invest n their grandchildren's future; how crass and grasping. You may have kissed anything they may have offered goodbye.

catwalker · 15/01/2012 12:21

We have 3 teenagers and my dh and I have worked extremely hard raising them and earning money, very little of which we seem to spend on ourselves. I can just see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel when the kids are grown up and before we become too old to enjoy life when we might spend some money on ourselves - nice holidays, smarten up the house etc. If one of my kids in their twenties suggested that any of our hard earned cash should not finally be spent on us but should be set aside for their children I would be livid!!!

Having said that, I think it is very sad that the gps in question don't get more involved and just send money (the amount is irrelevant).

cece · 15/01/2012 12:27

I think £20 for a 10 year old is more than generous.

However, I would have a problem with the lack of thought/interest in the gift giving. It doesn't take much to phone up or email to ask what the child in question would like, go and buy it and then post it or deliver it.

My MIL does this. She emails me, I email back with links to what DC want. She then orders/buys and then wraps their gifts for them. However, she would never spend more than £20 per child. She is also well off and could easily afford more. I am happy with this. TBH I would be mortified if she spent more as then it would be similar to what we spend on their present.

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/01/2012 12:28

Words fail me, you seriously asked them if they intended to invest their money for your childrens future?

I wonder how many people believe that having children means that they provide for them financially, pratically and emotionally as from all the posts on here where family members/state are expected to provide for them, childcare on tap etc it seems very few.

Boomerwang · 15/01/2012 12:31

Perhaps they are of the mind that you are now on your own when it comes to raising your children, or possibly that they don't see what children could need with more than a tenner or so as they are gifting the child and not the child's needs.

I think some people who are 'well off' get protective of their supposed status and stay thrifty. That's possibly why they do well for themselves, after all it probably took them many years to become financially stable.

I consider myself hugely lucky that my parents would do anything they could to help me and my family financially, but if they didn't then personally I would be grateful just for a visit now and then as that is more important to me.

Popoozle · 15/01/2012 12:37

Nice post Worra, that's exactly how I remember visits to my grandparents. A glass of squash and a slice of homemade cake if we were lucky.

My GP's were probably better off than my own parents (although that's not something you really think about as a child), but what they gave us was time, love & orange squash - nothing material. Isn't that what grandparents are for?

OP - heaven forbid your parents should want to spend their hard-earned cash on holidays for themselves now that they've retired. Obviously they should give their money to their selfish, grasping daughter instead. What a way to think about your own parents .

Boomerwang · 15/01/2012 12:39

selfish and grasping? Don't you think that's a little hard? The OP is asking for advice, not a personality rub down.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/01/2012 12:42

YY to Worra's post. That's what my visits to my grandparents were like - and I treasure the memories of them. My gran used to find cotton hankies in the street (see how long ago THAT was), take them home, wash, starch and iron them - and spray them with her perfume - and give them to me. I absolutely loved them.

Popoozle · 15/01/2012 12:44

Actually no Boomerwang, I don't. I'm normally very "live & let live" and un-judgey to be honest but I definitely think what was said in the original post is both selfish and grasping. My honest opinion.

EssentialFattyAcid · 15/01/2012 12:47

OP if your parents aren't interested in spending much time with your dc then that probably tells you how much the dc actually matter to them. It may well not be as much as you would like, but try to accept it and move on.

My PIL can hardly be bothered with my dd who is their only gc and has been for 12 years. We live less than 5 miles away. It's their loss.

Sometimes the folk you love don't love you back as much as you expect them to. This is hard but life becomes easier once you accept it in my experience.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/01/2012 12:50

What about the DC and the OP actually spending time with the GPs and making an effort for THEM instead of the expectation always that the GPs will fall over themselves to please and pander to their GCs?

Red2011 · 15/01/2012 12:51

Hmm, some mixed feelings here.

Your parents may be comfortably off now but that may not have always been the case.
Nobody learns the value of money by getting handouts left, right and centre.
If your children were given cash what is to stop you/them putting the money in a bank account in their names?

Perhaps you need to spend more time with them as a family, doing things that bring pleasure to all, but that cost nothing/very little?

bamboostalks · 15/01/2012 12:54

My parents do not have that much and give much more. I think they are being a bit tight. Re. investing for their future, that is an unreasonable expectation and one I would never verbalise.

somedayma · 15/01/2012 13:07

This is a v stealthy wind up I think...

InWithTheITCrowd · 15/01/2012 13:10

I always find these threads interesting. It's not so much about yabu/yanbu as about your own experiences. For as long as i can remember, i've had a tenner in a card from one grandma (with the addition of a choc orange at xmas) and nothing from the other grandma. My ds now gets the tenner from my grandma, and i get the choc orange. Never really thought about it.
My mum and dad however, have always been big on gifts for me and my sis. That too has extended to my ds. They spend as much on him as they used to on me and my sis, so i would find it weird if that changed, even though they are very very generous.
horses for courses. I don't think you can help wishing for more, but i think you have to accept that from some people's perspective you mum and dad are generous, and not so much from other people's perspective.
oh... but i wouldn't dream of asking about my parents' investment in ds's future. That's my issue, not theirs. Their money is their money!!

BarkisIsWillin · 15/01/2012 13:13

When you were young talking about money was taboo, yet you ask your parents if they are investing in their gc's future? Have a love. In fact have two

LadyGahGah · 15/01/2012 13:15

This is a total wind up!

Gribble · 15/01/2012 14:14

hey just think OP when they snuff it all their dosh will be yours

yay!

AriesWithBellsOn · 15/01/2012 14:16

I think people can give it a rest. I'm sure the OP has got the message now.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/01/2012 14:29

Give it a rest then, Aries...

Mya2403 · 15/01/2012 14:33

They are you'r children you made a choice to have them not them. They had their children and raised them. They are noe entitled to do what they please. You just come across as a brat imho.

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