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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should still have his son when he is 'I'll'

84 replies

missduff · 13/01/2012 23:52

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
So my ex has our 2 year old 1 day every weekend, tomorrow is his day to have him, I have made plans for Sunday. Today he text saying he needs to change to Sunday as he has a chest infection and doesn't want to give it to him and thinks he'll be better by Sunday. He didn't ask if we could swap, just told me.
Normally I wouldn't have a problem with swapping, there's been times when I've needed to swap, mainly for reasons such as DS having a party to go to etc, however when I have swapped it's always with at least a week's notice.
But this week we have arranged a day out with my DS, my DP and his 2 kids. They know about it and are looking forward to it and I don't think it's fair to disappoint them because my ex is ill.
I've felt like crap for the past 6 weeks due to flu, then a lingering bad chest, then I found out I'm pregnant so dr made me wait till last week before he would give me anti biotics and cough medicine.
Anyway my point is that I still have to look after my son when I am ill, I cant just wake up in the morning and say 'no I don't feel well enough to look after you go to your room and don't come out till I feel better'
It's ended up in a big argument, he's said he hates me, I told him he's a crap dad (which he is, there's a lot of history there).
So am I being unreasonable to say that he shouldn't be swapping his access days because he is poorly?
And as for 'I don't want to give it to him' goes, a chest infection isn't contagious, he's obviously stupid it thinks that I am!
Or maybe I'm just being awkward because I'm pregnant, hormonal, feel like shit and want everyone around me to suffer too?

OP posts:

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 13/01/2012 23:55

YANBU. My (once again) DP was the same when we were separated. But then again how far away does ex live? I only ask because if he has a long drive to get to you he may not be up to it. (not that you get a break when you are to ill of course!)

Original poster

missduff · 13/01/2012 23:55

Sorry for the mistake in the title, bloody iPhone!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 13/01/2012 23:57

YANBU to be pissed of but YABU to agree to swap days. You have made plans.

Arrange for your DS to ring his dad, and explain why. We had to cancel a weekend access visit with the kids once and although they were disappointed they understood why and were ok about it.

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2012 23:57

Well I can understand both sides here.

When I was a single Mum, if I got ill I simply had to get on with it. But on the rare occasion I was very ill, I would ask my Mum and Dad to look after my DS because all I literally wanted to do was sleep.

Can your ex not find someone else to look after your DC so as not to spoil your arrangements?

Bogeyface · 13/01/2012 23:58

Sorry, that sounded wrong!

I meant, tell your ex you have plans and that your DS will ring him. THEN explain to your DS that daddy is ill so he cant visit this weekend, but he can ring instead. I didnt mean it to sound like your DS should tell your ex that you have plans!

McHappyPants2012 · 14/01/2012 00:02

surley the dc can come along to this little outing, much more fun than having a crappy day with an ill dad.

Bogeyface · 14/01/2012 00:04

I think the plans are for the day that ex wants to swap to, so the OPs DS wouldnt be able to go, and if I was the OP I wouldnt want to go ahead with the plans without my DC.

rhondajean · 14/01/2012 00:06

I'm torn. I'm thinking maybe he wants to be fully on his game to spend quality time with his son and not lying round feeling miserable when he is with him.

I'm wondering if you can change your day out to the sat.

I'm also wondering if one more day will make much difference.

And I can see your point about when you are ill.

Sorry not much help is it?

McHappyPants2012 · 14/01/2012 00:07

what i mean is that the illness is not going to go away overnight, and it would be more fun for the op to have the dc for the wholeweekend

Bogeyface · 14/01/2012 00:09

Sorry McHappy, I totally agree, thats why I suggested phone calls instead.

marblerye · 14/01/2012 00:15

YANBU. If he is too ill to have him on saturday and you are providing childcare for him on that day it doesn't follow that he gets to mess up your Sunday. Fair enough if he asked and you hadn't got plans but he doesn't have a 'right' to swap.

Original poster

missduff · 14/01/2012 00:18

Sorry I didn't explain very well, he is demanding to have DS on Sunday rather than tomorrow, we have plans for Sunday for us all to go out. I don't think it would be fair for my DS to miss a fun day out with his step brother and sister and I don't think it would be fair on the other 2 kids if we cancel our plans for Sunday if DS goes to his daddy's.
We can't have the day out tomorrow either as we've not got DP's kids tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

missduff · 14/01/2012 00:19

Im not really bothered if he doesn't have him tomorrow it's the fact that he is demanding to have him on Sunday.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 00:20

Ahh I see now Bogeyface

I'm normally a 'get on with it' type of person but honestly, this bug that's sweeping the country all over Xmas still hasn't left our house and all it makes you do is sleep, sweat and cough. No appetite and no energy either so I can see why the OP's ex wouldn't choose to look after his 2yr old if he had the remotest choice

I'm not sure 2yrs is old enough for a 'real' phone conversation that he can understand though.

iscream · 14/01/2012 00:20

I think I would ask the ex to forgo his day with your ds until next week-end when he is feeling better.

I wouldn't however do as your ex is asking, and switch the visitation days this week-end, as you do have a special outing planned that your ds is looking forward to.
Chest infections can be viral.
"Chest infections are contagious

Although acute bronchitis and pneumonia are not as contagious as conditions such as flu, they can be passed on to others through coughing and sneezing.

It is therefore important to cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, and to wash your hands regularly. Throw away used tissues immediately.

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2012 00:21

In that case OP, I'd tell him to give it a miss this weekend completely.

Can he have him next weekend instead?

I suspect secretly he'd be pleased if you suggested this. If he's too ill tomorrow, I doubt he'll be any better the following day.

Portofino · 14/01/2012 00:23

Sorry - if he that ill how could he know he will be better for Sunday? It's more likely he has a better offer for Saturday. You should stick to the plans pr he can lump it.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 14/01/2012 00:24

If chest infections aren't contagious how do you think they are spread?

If xp is too unwell to have him he should cancel the weekend visitation entirely rather than swapping days. Maybe have him for the full weekend the week after?

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 14/01/2012 00:25

X-posted

Portofino · 14/01/2012 00:25

And Iagree that mothers when ill just have to get the feck on with it....we don't get special dipensation.....

ZhenThereWereTwo · 14/01/2012 00:27

If he has a chest infection it would not suddenly be better for Sunday if he is not well enough to have him tomorrow, I think he has other plans and is using it as an excuse.

If he is really that ill, he shoudl forgo his day this week altogether and see DS for both days next weekend to make up for it so that there is no chance of passing on the chest infection.

Original poster

missduff · 14/01/2012 00:27

Well apparently he despises me because I won't drop my plans and disappoint 3 kids so he can have him on Sunday.

He's a bully, a liar and a waste of space, god knows how/why we ever created a child together but luckily DS is amazing and I wouldn't change him for the world.

I just wanted some reassurance that I am right in what I am saying as he's getting really nasty and it's me who is ending up feeling bad about it.
I don't want DS to go a week without seeing his dad as unfortunately he loves the wanker!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 14/01/2012 00:30

Your DS will understand that Daddy is ill.

And one day he will understand that Daddy is a total cunt.

Stick to your guns

McHappyPants2012 · 14/01/2012 00:32

well tell him to go to court.

i can not abide by a bully

Original poster

missduff · 14/01/2012 00:34

Sorry maybe I'm wrong about the whole chest infection, I thought u get a cold/flu which then often turns in to a chest infection? That's what I had recently, cold had been and gone for a couple of weeks and then the lingering phlegm developed in to an infection.

Anyway, that's besides the point, the point is as a parent you just have to get on with it. I can't pack him off to my mum's because I'm too ill to look after him, I don't see why he should be any different.

And yes if he was really that ill that he can't look after him then what difference is 24 hours going to make?

OP posts:

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