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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he should still have his son when he is 'I'll'

84 replies

missduff · 13/01/2012 23:52

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
So my ex has our 2 year old 1 day every weekend, tomorrow is his day to have him, I have made plans for Sunday. Today he text saying he needs to change to Sunday as he has a chest infection and doesn't want to give it to him and thinks he'll be better by Sunday. He didn't ask if we could swap, just told me.
Normally I wouldn't have a problem with swapping, there's been times when I've needed to swap, mainly for reasons such as DS having a party to go to etc, however when I have swapped it's always with at least a week's notice.
But this week we have arranged a day out with my DS, my DP and his 2 kids. They know about it and are looking forward to it and I don't think it's fair to disappoint them because my ex is ill.
I've felt like crap for the past 6 weeks due to flu, then a lingering bad chest, then I found out I'm pregnant so dr made me wait till last week before he would give me anti biotics and cough medicine.
Anyway my point is that I still have to look after my son when I am ill, I cant just wake up in the morning and say 'no I don't feel well enough to look after you go to your room and don't come out till I feel better'
It's ended up in a big argument, he's said he hates me, I told him he's a crap dad (which he is, there's a lot of history there).
So am I being unreasonable to say that he shouldn't be swapping his access days because he is poorly?
And as for 'I don't want to give it to him' goes, a chest infection isn't contagious, he's obviously stupid it thinks that I am!
Or maybe I'm just being awkward because I'm pregnant, hormonal, feel like shit and want everyone around me to suffer too?

OP posts:

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/01/2012 09:30

I think you have done the right thing missduff, even though it's really hard for you. My ds's Are much older then your ds and there have been lots of times when I have been pissed off in exactly the same way, even though I have quite a good relationship with my ex.

You have put your son first and recognised that his relationship with his dad is important, and your ds will thank you for that in the long run. That doesn't make it any easier for you this weekend, but I think it shows that you are a brilliant Mummy.

Well done you!

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 09:33

So now she will spend sunday driving 100 miles rather than having a family day out, after her ex shouted at her.

Sounds great.

How can he possibly know that he will be better by sunday? Illnesses are not predictable. The whole thing stinks.

Shutupanddrive · 14/01/2012 09:33

YANBU, don't let him bully you

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 09:35

Too late, shutup.

RandomMess · 14/01/2012 09:39

I think you need to address the driving thing for a start!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/01/2012 09:42

Yes, she will be doing it for the sake of her ds, who loves his dad. The ds shouldn't miss out just because his Dad lost his temper at his Mum, especially when if you do give the dad the benefit of the doubt, you could see that he might have been upset at not being able to see his child. Or if he did see his child, spend the day feeling crap. It is shit for OP, but that's just how it is sometimes when too parents are separated and have to accommodate each other. You do it for the children, not for each other.

I don't think it's really that unreasonable, to assume that if the Dad has a chest infection, he could have been given anti biopics on Friday and has quite a good chance at feeling better on Sunday. He would at least feel much better after being on meds for two days rather than one. Ime, antibiotics for straight forward chest infections kick in fairly quickly.

I think it's quite sad that there are so many people on her assuming that a two year old would rather have a day out than spend time with his Dad.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/01/2012 09:43

I agree about addressing the driving thing Random!

FootprintsInTheSnow · 14/01/2012 09:43

Why doesn't he just do the whole weekend next week? You get your day out, he gets to get better.

brandysoakedbitch · 14/01/2012 09:50

I do think it is all well and good to be flexible but in my past experience it seems to be a carte blanch for absent Fathers to take the piss. I did this with my ex, he came up with a variety of excuses like even texting me as I pulled up outside his house with the dds saying he has 'other things to do...' What was astounding is that if he missed a weekend he would never make it up and sometimes did not see them for 3 or even 5 weeks at a time and did not bother to contact in between, amazing because apart from being a massive bastard to me he was a good Father when he lived here.

I have to say I do think it is worth standing your ground with this, if you have a day out planned then stick to your plans. You of course do need to cooperate but facilitating him being changeable and messing your son around is not good. I for one do not believe that he is too ill to have him and will have a miracle recovery the next day: he has a better offer, plain and simple.

FWIW - The Father of my children has not seen them for almost 4 years now! His choice and cannot even put pen to paper. Apparently he finds it hard and is extremely busy (what would I know about bust anyway I am just a SAHM with 4 children.....) You are being entirely reasonable.

sunshineandbooks · 14/01/2012 09:51

The ds shouldn't miss out just because his Dad lost his temper at his Mum

And that's why there are so many abusive relationships out there, because women in the main generally do this.

How a bout mum showing that losing your temper is not an acceptable way to get what you want?

A two-year-old is really not going to be scarred by missing one day's worth of contact in all the others. How melodramatic to suggest otherwise! And TBH I think a two-year-old would far rather have a fun day out than spend a day cooped up in a flat with a recuperating man who was so ill the previous day he couldn't see his son at all.

PattiMayor · 14/01/2012 09:52

You don't half talk a load of bollocks kitchenroll. How is the OP's DS missing out on a fun day out 'putting him first'? It's not, it's putting his dad first who sounds like an utter git,

You've caved this time but I don't think you should do this again missduff - he's holding your entire family to ransom. If he doesn't feel well enough to care for your DS (and I suspect that's not the real reason either, I think he's got other plans), then he misses on his day with him. Tough.

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 09:57

The ds shouldn't miss out just because his Dad lost his temper at his Mum

That's not why he was going to "miss out"

It was because
His dad wanted to change his day
At short notice
Because he was "ill" although magically able to predict when he would be better
And the OP had a big day out planned that 3 children were looking forward to

The fact that you claim he was going to miss out because he shouted showsexactly where you are coming from on here ie you assume that the OP is vindictive when there is no evidence for that whatsoever.

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 09:59

Personally I think it is important for DS to bond with the people he will be living with - his mum, his 2 step siblings, his mum's partner and his future half-sibling. That sounds like a lovely family unit.

Instead the whole thing is cancelled and pregnant mum gets to spend her sunday driving 100 miles.

It stinks, it really does.

marblerye · 14/01/2012 10:00

So where do you draw the line? I think most people would agree on a swap, however ungraciously it was demanded, if they didn't have any other plans. What if the ds was looking forward to a low key planned event like a picnic that could be rescheduled? Is it better that he spends a day with his too ill father than does that? What about an event where tickets have been bought, or is only on for one day like a music event or a family wedding? Does the mother have to spend the next 16 years accepting that every plan she makes, every holiday, every event she arranges to go and see can be cancelled with 2 days notice in order to 'put her child first'?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/01/2012 10:01

Because his relationship with his Dad is more important than a day out!

You might think I'm talking bollocks but we all form our opinions about stuff like this based on our own experiences. I can see why someone who has a crap relationship with their ex would jump to saying that he was being out of order, but I think that's really sad. I am coming from the POV of someone who was also a single Mum with a 2yo (and a 4yo) and I know what bloody hard work it was, and is, to try and keep things as amicable as possible. It means making sacrifices, but I have been doing this long enough now to know that it was well worth it. For the sake of my dc.

When that child grows up, what do you think he will appreciate more? The fact that his Mum took him on a few days out, or the fact that his Mum made sacrifices and went out of her way to ensure he had regular contact with his other parent?

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 10:01

footprints the DS can't go to his dad's all weekend next week as he won't stay overnight with him.

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 10:02

I am coming from the POV of someone who is happily married with two children by my husband. So no crap relationship with an ex here.

And I think it stinks.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/01/2012 10:05

Sardine, please don't assume that you know what I am assuming, you are wrong. I don't think the OP is vindictive at all. I think she is rightly pissed off with the situation that has been forced upon her and is frustrated by that because it means messing around her new family who she clearly loves. But she is making the sacrifice and as many Mothers in her situation do, is taking that annoyance on herself. She can't be criticised for that.

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 10:05

I would think that the big day out with all the other children and his expectant mother would be more memorable than sitting around indoors with a croupy man and spending ages sat in the car, yes.

Also don't see how missing this week and doing it next week instead is going to make such a difference.

This has really pissed me off, poor old OP. And I bet her DH is actually out on the piss tonight rather than ill. I'd put money on it.

SardineQueen · 14/01/2012 10:07

"The ds shouldn't miss out just because his Dad lost his temper at his Mum"

Why did you say that then? When that was not the reason at all. It betrays how you think, I'm afraid.

marblerye · 14/01/2012 10:11

I don't have a crap relationship with my ex. I don't even have an ex. I just don't see why one parents arrangements should be fucked about on the whim of the other parent. I would bet my boots that a) he isn't too ill to have him, he has just had a better offer and b) the ds will have a lovely time on his family day out and it won't harm his relationship with his dad one iota.

littlemisssarcastic · 14/01/2012 10:23

YANBU

Obviously your XP sees you as the default parent. It is not right and it is not unusual.

olgaga · 14/01/2012 10:30

Got here rather late, but I'd say if he has a really bad chest infection, bronchitis or whatever - one day won't make much difference anyway.

I'd tell him to make up for it next week.

Jemma1111 · 14/01/2012 10:43

I would agree that its ok to swap access days if it doesn't inconvenience the other parent, however, you have made plans and its not your fault that your ex is 'supposedly' unwell.

Also, the fact that he's demanding that he sees your ds on Sunday and is getting nasty with you , well this would make me determined not to change my plans.

Its not too late to send him a text or call to say that after having time to think you have decided that he'll have to wait until next week after all.

Stand your ground or this bully will ALWAYS behave like a twat with you!

Waxtart · 14/01/2012 10:57

"the default parent". I like that! It's so true. One thinks that the parenting and arrangments are optional which leaves the other one with no choice but to do everything/pay for everything/juggle working hours etc etc.

One day of saying "no, I'm sorry I already have plans" does not mean that she's saying a day out is more important than his relationship with his Dad. It's totally reasonable to refuse. Relationships are not built by the amount of time spent with someone, they are built by what you do when you are together and how you behave towards them. And I think it's important that he grows up seeing his mum being able to put some boundaries in place, rather than giving in to a bully.

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