To think that he should still have his son when he is 'I'll'

[missduff]

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
So my ex has our 2 year old 1 day every weekend, tomorrow is his day to have him, I have made plans for Sunday. Today he text saying he needs to change to Sunday as he has a chest infection and doesn't want to give it to him and thinks he'll be better by Sunday. He didn't ask if we could swap, just told me.
Normally I wouldn't have a problem with swapping, there's been times when I've needed to swap, mainly for reasons such as DS having a party to go to etc, however when I have swapped it's always with at least a week's notice.
But this week we have arranged a day out with my DS, my DP and his 2 kids. They know about it and are looking forward to it and I don't think it's fair to disappoint them because my ex is ill.
I've felt like crap for the past 6 weeks due to flu, then a lingering bad chest, then I found out I'm pregnant so dr made me wait till last week before he would give me anti biotics and cough medicine.
Anyway my point is that I still have to look after my son when I am ill, I cant just wake up in the morning and say 'no I don't feel well enough to look after you go to your room and don't come out till I feel better'
It's ended up in a big argument, he's said he hates me, I told him he's a crap dad (which he is, there's a lot of history there).
So am I being unreasonable to say that he shouldn't be swapping his access days because he is poorly?
And as for 'I don't want to give it to him' goes, a chest infection isn't contagious, he's obviously stupid it thinks that I am!
Or maybe I'm just being awkward because I'm pregnant, hormonal, feel like shit and want everyone around me to suffer too?

I really would not get into the bitching arguments OP

He says he hates you, you say he's a crap dad...none of that is productive so as hard as it is, you should try to rise above it.

Just tell him you have plans on Sunday and he can have his son next weekend instead.

I think YABU.

It is better for your ds to have regular contact with his Dad and from his POV, it's more important that he sees his Dad and is able to enjoy spending some time with him rather than spending time with your DP and his children.

I think it's quite selfish of you to expect your son to miss out on time with his Daddy so that you can keep to your plan. Your ds should come first, as should his relationship with his Dad. That has to take priority over his relationship with your DP and his children.

I know it's a PITA, I'm separated from my dc's Dad too, and stuff like this does happen. But your ex doesn't get to see his on on a daily basis like you do, and I think you need to be placing more value on their time together.

You wouldn't have to disappoint three children, you could try and change Tito tomorrow, you could just take the other children without your ds, or you could move it to next week.

OP, YANBU. Your ex is clearly used to getting his own way to the detriment of others. Your DS will not suffer for missing one weekend visit with his father.

I would calmly make it clear that he is welcome to stick to the arrangement as it stands, or you will cover his day if he feels too ill to stick to it. He certainly does not get to dictate any changes in the arrangement. If it was convenient for you, which obviously it isn't, then some negotiation would be possible. But he blatantly doesn't want that, he wants things on his terms.

Stick to your stance on this. Your ex needs to realise this is not all about him, it's about a small child who does not deserve to be messed around at the whim of his father.

Or maybe he just wants a chance at enjoying the one day a week he actually gets to see his own son.

CHest infections do not clear up overnight Iuse, it is an excuse.

Also Iuse I take issue with your "one day a week he actually gets to see his son"

Is that an implication that the OP is stopping him seeing his son more often?

ha ha! i just had a very similar row with my DH...HUGE row i should say...we may have thrown around a few insults and i may even have suggested that he was a crap dad. :(

he was ill on Saturday and didn't get out of bed all day...i was supposed to be working as I have a MASSIVELY important deadline coming up and so he was supposed to have the childcare covered...but he just stayed in bed and moaned; didn't even acknowledge that he was letting me down....whereas i was sick with the same exact thing a couple of weeks earlier and had to get up and get on with things and look after DD...

So I of course will say YANBU.

BUT - on the other hand - i think that chest infections can be contagious. So if he genuinely was concerned about passing it to your son, that's a reasonable worry - though he could have asked you what you thought you both should decide instead of just informing you!

He can't force you to hand your son over, so ignore his bullying and stay firm.
You certainly don't need your son sick and you getting re infected either. Some chest things don't get passed along, so you are not totally incorrect on that. But I have had my doctor say I was contagions until being on antibiotics for 48 hours. I imagine it depends on what is causing the infection.

I don't think you are being unreasonable as it is extremely short notice. However it is probably in the interests of both you and your son to sort something out amicably. Can he see him later in the week? or maybe have him for a whole weekend when he' s better?

As you've mentioned before, you've made changes to the schedule, albeit with much more notice. If this isn't sorted to the satisfaction of both parties, I can guess what your ex-partner's reaction will be when you need a favour/rearrangement: 'You think I'm a crap dad, so find someone else to sort it, I'm having him on my allotted day.'

Not fair I know, but do you want another 14 years of a Mexican stand off and tit for tat reprisals?

I realise that chest infections don't clear up overnight, but if they are fairly mild they can go from making you feel awful one day to feeling not too bad the next.

I did not imply that OP is stopping him from seeing his son more often at all.

I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to only see my children one day a week. But I would have thought that if I found myself in that unfortunate position then that time would be incredibly precious to me, and I would want to do everything possible to make the most of it.

I would also think that if the parent who had daily contact with my child tried to say that my time with my child was less important than my child spending time with her new partner and his children, then I would be pretty pissed off. That's not an excuse or saying what he said, but emotions run high in situations like this.

I don't know if OPs ex is just changing it because he had a better offer fir the Saturday or if he genuinely just wants to make the best of his day with his child instead of coughing all over him, but I do know that it's child's contact with his dad is far more important than his contact with his Mums new partner and his children.

Write off this weekend, but give him all of next weekend. Fingers crossed you'll all be feeling a bit less lurgified by the various revolting bugs that are going around by then.

I made cunt-of-an-XH move out when DD was six months old and on the occasion of the first visit a week later he, was ill and didn't "want the baby to catch it".

Rang the friend he was staying with a bit later and was told that Daddy was very gutted that I "wouldn't let him see DD because she had a cold" so he had gone to the pub to watch the football.

Thank Christ he moved away before she was old enough to be hurt by his fuckwittery and excuses I say.

If this man is ill, he can't know if he will be better on Sunday. But he should know and understand that a child who has been looking forward to a planned outing will not appreciate those plans being suddenly changed. The OP has said she is happy for him to have the child next weekend, so the man should fucking grow up and accept that he is not being refused access to his son, he is having to adapt to circumstances. A good dad would not want to mess up his son's anticipated day out just for his own convenience.

Well just tell him you have plans on Sunday and so to leave it this weekend. Not fair that your DS should miss out on a day out. However, although as a parent you have to get on with looking after small children when you are ill it's not much fun for anyone so yab a bit u to want him to go there if there is an alternative, which there is

Is he making a fuss about that?

Sounds like you both don't get on very well with each other.

When I've been ill in the past my ex has stepped in and looked after our DS, and when he has had operations or been unwell, I have done the same for him.

My solution to him cancelling having his son for illness, then asking to see him on a day that would spoil a planned event would be a firm no, and arranging another time for him to see child. All calmly and firm. If he protests, I'd reiterate that I'd had DS at short notice to allow him time to recover, that I hoped he was well, but that it wouldn't be fair to spoil the planned day and that if the alternative wasn't suiting him, that he would have to wait until next weekend. Then I would end the discussion calmly and worry not about it at all because I'd been reasonable, willing to work with him to arrange an alternative and he hadn't. Not my problem.

My arrangement with DSs dad is much more fluid though, we tend to try to accommodate each other, we have our moments, but we're almost fifty fifty on where DS spends his time. Dad does swimming lessons and football, weekends and a week night. DS is allowed to say if he fancies coming back to me early or going to see his dad, and if we can we do.

Hope you can resolve your differences, it's so much easier than fighting and feeling so stressed. x

Thanks everyone. We have fought for probably about a year now, and I do always try and be flexible where possible and maybe I'd he'd not just demanded the way that he did I would have been more accommodating.

I do think that I am right in what I am saying but I got upset last night and text him saying he could have him on Sunday but I'm doing it cos I don't want DS to go a week without seeing him, not because he's bullied me.

I would have suggested he have him for the whole weekend next week but DS won't sleep at his house, when we've tried he has screamed all night and he doesn't live locally so it's not really ideal for ME to do the 100 mile journey (25 each way x 2 to drop him and x2 to pick him up) twice in a weekend.

Did he know about your plans for sunday?

Is that why he has a chest infection tomorrow but this chest infection will have disappeared 24 hours later?

An attempt to ruin your plans, maybe?

And you do all the driving too?

Oh, he is really taking the piss.

I bet if you take it to court, the responsibility will be his to come and fetch the child.

Can you switch your own plans to tomorrow? Or if you can't do tomorrow what you were going to do on Sunday, do something else really fun? Just so he knows he didn't acheive what it is he was hoping to acheive?

If that was his intention. I'm just speculating that it was, I may well be wrong.

What would your son rather do?

I wonder if your ex has an offer to go out tonight so wants to change the day he sees DS. Tough luck, you have plans and he won't get better overnight. YANBU.

Call him secretly tonight and see if ex is home!

well thing is he got ill. he didn't have a week to warn you did he. he isn't psychic .
So if you have swapped with him in the past you cannot get angry when he wants to swap aswell.

I think that it would be a mistake and a shame to make a big thing of this when there are plenty of other options and ways to sort this amicably. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and take his concerns at face value rather than trying to trick him and catch him out as Cookcleaner said - do you really want to start game playing and bad feeling between you? Your son's wellbeing is at stake if you do.

• Change your day out to Saturday
• Suggest he cancels this weekend and has ds all next weekend
• Many other different arrangements in between!

Normally I would say there needs to be flexibility on both sides. But a swap only works when both parties are able too. When you need to swap and he can't/won't whats your attitude to him?

However, you can't be flexible in your plans for Sunday so the flexibilty needs to be for another week, an evening. He could have his son one evening?/ both days next weekend?

Ask him if he really wants to upset his DS by making him miss his day out on Sunday? Point out he is the adult in this and your DS a child.

Luckily for you in a few years your DS will be able to communicate to his dad about this himself.

x posted with proud

I think he wants to go out tonight.
Either that or he wants to mess up your plans.

He cannot know that he will be better for Sunday. He is not being reasonable in the slightest.