to give a girl boy's stuff?

[beatricequimby]

I try to make expensive purchases, like winter coats, unisex (eg red anoraks) hoping they will do for all my children. Same with their bikes. I buy a red one and expect them all to use it turn. My girls do still have plenty of girls clothes and toys as well but this saves me money and I suppose I don't really like everything the girls own being pink or purple. But my dd (5) is objecting more and more to this (big fight over the red bike cos she wanted a Barbie one.) And none of my friends do it, their girls just have girls stuff. So AIBU?

I had two older brothers and most of my things were hand-me downs, the bikes were spray painted for me (mostly due to the wear the old paintwork- I ended up with a Cadburys purple chopper) and mum sewed pretty patches on the coats and other clothes to make them more 'girly'. If any future child of mine is a girl then I will do the same with DS1 and 2's things.

As she has some girly things that she wants YANBU to make the more expensive things last for all your children.

I hate to say this, but good luck with persuading a modern girl to be happy with a boy's coat with a few flowers appliqued onto it. I was happy with this as a child, but the crucial thing was that so were all my friends who were the younger sisters of brothers. That just isn't the case now.

It's true, things are different these days. I guess it's partly that stuff generally is cheaper, and people tend to buy more and treat it as more 'disposable'. I had a hand-me-down bike (though not clothes!) from my older brother, there's no way my parents would or could have bought me a new one when the old one was working fine, just because I fancied a different colour or a cartoon character on it.

And also I don't think there was quite as much gendered 'peer pressure' in those days. Yes pink was a 'girly' colour, but it wasn't the only colour for girls (it would have been fine to have a red coat, for example), and there was probably more gender-neutral stuff rather than everything being strictly categorised into 'girls' and 'boys'.

I absolutely agree with seeker @ 10:24

Dd and DS are 14 mths apart so have shared a lot of things. Now at age 6&7 they absolutely know their own minds and have very strong opinions about what they want to do/wear/play.

I absolutely will NOT force my daughter to adopt "boys toys and clothes" just because unisex would sit bett with my political outlook. So I suffer a house full of Barbie a wardrobe full of tutus and handbags and demands to be covered in gloss and glitter because her right to exercise her CHOICE is the most important thing in the blue v pink boys v girls equation.

The "pink" market largely sprung out of the fact that during my childhood, by default everything was geared towards boys, not that toys were unisex.

DD loves her brother's old coats (and other clothes) but (big but) I suspect that is largely because she is spoilt and doesn't have to wear them - for example, I bought her a pink coat (which she chose) for school, but sometimes she chooses to wear DS's old brown one with dinosaurs on. If that was was the only coat she had, I suspect I would get tantrums complaints. She has campaigned for a pink bike (without success), but rides DS's old one quite happily. When she won some money at a fete she got a pink scooter - but it's not a Barbie one, its a very cool one with big wheels, proper tyres and brakes - and DS is very of it.

If she chose not to wear any hand-me-downs, then she would still have enough clothes to wear - just not as much choice.

As a child it never occurred to me that I wouldn't wear DB's hand-me-downs - but I still got "girl clothes" for birthdays etc - so I don't think all that much has changed except that clothes are (relatively) a lot cheaper, so both my DC certainly have more clothes than we ever had. Neither of them has ever had any issue with secondhand clothes - almost all their uniform is secondhand, for example, and DD loves handing things on to cousins / friends' DC when she grows out of them just as she loves receiving things (DS doesn't get to do that bit as we don't really have any close friends/family with older (or, more relevantly, bigger) DC).

SuchProspects Wed 11-Jan-12 21:19:03

But why can't one or two of the things you buy that you expect DS to use be pink and he can just personalize?

SaraBellumHertz "The "pink" market largely sprung out of the fact that during my childhood, by default everything was geared towards boys, not that toys were unisex."

I don't think that's true - I had a Barbie campervan as a child (1970s) which was orange and yellow. This is the current equivalent.

I also had lots of other 'girl' toys which were a variety of colours, and unisex toys - wooden blocks, games, puzzles etc - which were mainly in primary colours, but now would almost certainly come in pink/blue versions for girls and boys.

Even ten years ago when my DS was a toddler, toys from ELC and Fisher Price etc came in primary colours - he had a cash till, lots of cooking stuff, a little plastic dolls house and so on which were in neutral colours and didn't scream "GIRL'S TOY - BOYS STAY AWAY" like this kitchen does.

Some toys may appeal more to girls than boys, but there is absolutely no reason to make them all pink and purple. And toys which appeal to both genders, like play cooking and shopping things for preschoolers, should be in non-gendered colours.

This was my 1970s Barbie campervan.

boys stuff? What is that?

All I can think of is cricket boxs. And maybe pants....how young do you start wearing different pants for anatomical reasons?

The youngest girl stuff I can think of is tampons/sanitary towels. They are not for boys under normal circumstances....

Oh, come on, entropyglitter, I will put money on your boys not playing with Barbie dolls past the age of about 5. and I don't know many/any girls who enjoy Beast Quest. I could list loads of other things too.

Agree seeker.

I work in a Y1 classroom. We have toys and games, and activities in all manner of forms. Nothing is geared to boys and girls, it is all just there.

But I can tell you now that the vast majority of children do move more towards gender stereotypes in their play when left to get on with it. Yes, there is some overlaps, of course. But on the whole it is there - there is a clear difference in what the children chose to play with and even more so on how they play with things. And noone in the classroom is pushing them to make those choices at all.

Because we were skint I had to wear any of my brothers clothes that were even vaguely unisex. I can remember being the only odd one out at school - always in a boy-ish coat,his old PE shorts never the netball skirt etc. It really sucked.

I don't blame my parents, they had no choice and it hasn't scarred me emotionally or anything but it sucked. That was back in the 80s, it must be a lot worse for children at school now as there is clearly more pressure to 'look right' now than then.

www.pinkstinks.org.uk/

My DD (age 7) loves Beast Quest, and the chronicles of Avantia. She is currently reading The Hobbit. It hadn't even occurred to me that they were "boys" books. Admittedly 10yo DS wouldn't touch "rainbow magic" with a barge pole, but they are total tripe to be fair.
DS had a purple top with a pink lightning bolt and a dinosaur on, when he outgrew it DD had it, it suited them both equally and didn't look odd on either of them.

Can I just clarify that the vast majority of my daughters' things were chosen for them. They have plenty of dresses and pink, glittery things. And to whoever said they feel sorry for my dd being forced to wear boys school uniform, she isn't because I don't.

And it is not only my dd who has to compromise. When ds got a red bike for Xmas he didn't get to choose the colour either. And when it was handed on to dd, she got it mid-year, she didn't have to wait for birthday/Xmas like ds.

All this just reminds me of one of the reasons I love DS's Nursary so much. You walk in and all the kids are playing with all the toys. Among the pre-schoolers there is a boy who always and I mean ALWAYS gies straight to one of the pink princess dress up dresses and proceeds to wear it for the rest of the day and a girl who us happiest in her hard hat in the construction area. They have a very strict policy of not enforcing gender stereotypes - the children are individual and wear and play with what they want to.

My DS has loads and loads of pink stuff - he chose it and loves it. He may grow out of it when he's older and he may not.

I work in a high school and loads of the boys have pink bags - it's seen as very cool.

YANBU I agree to accessorising, remind your DD that red is a lovely colour and encourage her to accesorise - could you get her a little basket to put on the handlebars? I find a basket will instantly make a bike look girly, especially a little White flowery one. Let her have Barbie accessories too and promise her to get her a 'barbie' thing next time if you have to. Kids have to learn that they can't always get what they want and it does no harm to talk to them about 'peer pressure' even at a young age - tell her that if all the other girls have barbie/obviously girly bikes then they are quite boring and she and her bike are unique to her which makes it extra special and if the others comment then it's just cos they are jelous - and yes, I hhonestly would say the same to my DS in a similar situation, we have Sod all money and if someone offered us a bike that happened to be 'girly' I would gladly accept it and if he was that desperate for a bike he could like it or lump it. Money doesn't grow on trees.

YANBU.

You aren't giving here a 'boys' bike - you're giving her a bike. Just not a specifically 'girls' bike.

FWIW my DDs first bike was 'girlie' (pink, tassels, doll seat)- she liked it at 5 but was quite embarrassed by it by 6/7 and was quite at her friend who had a proper little mountain bike.

Bikes can be a bit of a problem if you've a DD who wants to ride straight after school without changing out of regulation skirt - crossbar really is a no-no.

BTW, my DD has lots of 'boys' stuff; she's an only, there are no hand-me-downs, its what we've chosen. She hates pale pink and won't wear anything logoed or Hello Kitty type tat.

Hulababy, I'd be interested in what would happen if you put individual boys or girls in the classroom with no one watching, but a hidden camera to see what they did with all the different toys. It might be a slightly different result from when all the children are in there together, as the strongest enforcers of gender stereotypes at primary school seem to be the children themselves.

DD is 9 (year 4) and tells me that she frequently has arguments with boys in her class who tell her that she can't play with Bakugan, Lego (particularly Ninjago), K'Nex, Geomag etc because she is a girl. She loves playing with all those things, and her Christmas/birthday wish-lists this year were full Lego and Bakugan, as well as Monster High dolls and Club Penguin stuff (I never thought the day would come when I praised Disney, but Club Penguin seems to be one of the few things around at the moment which is not squarely targeted at one sex to the exclusion of the other).

She also says there is one boy in her class who is very good at sewing but dropped out of sewing club because he was being teased about it; now he sews during arts and crafts club instead.

i ride a mans bike and wear skirts and never found it an issue, always have, just tip it to the side slightly to get on!

we have the four boys and then dd, we bought an orange balance bike, just because it was bright and cheerful! ds4 uses it at the moment but dd will as well.

the boys have the micro scooter, the big ones and we have on thats black bought purely because is was on sale at £39!! bargain when they are meant to be £95! and the other is the black and green one, chosen because at school there are load of the purple ones etc and i didnt want it getting muddled up! ds3 who is 7 had a purple fairy scooter until very recently it was 'tinkerbell and friends' he got lots of fairy toys for xmas and loves pink and purple and all things sparkly.

i do get dd nice girly clothes, skirts, dresses etc, but not in pink as i dont like it as a colour and it doesnt suit her colouring, she has greens, blues, dark purples, red etc. i do have a lovely coat from pumpkin patch which was from their 'boy' range but dd will wear it next winter as its warm and nice, she also has a snowsuit from jojomamambebe which is blue with flowers a sort of cath kidston print. she also wears the boys old dungarees and cord trousers.

i think if a bike is just handed down then it makes sense to buy unisex, we have black and silver and orange bikes and they will all be passed down, if a child asks for one for xmas and bdays then they would get some input but ultimately it will come down to the best quality bike we can get for a good price and i would rule out character bikes on that basis as they are shite! mine have dawes, scott bikes etc decent quality and they tend to be unisex for younger children. i would repaint a back or buy accessories for any child tho, i remember i had a bike that was red and was to be handed down to my younger sister, she wanted it yellow and i remember my dad spray painting it in the kitchen it had big silver mudguards and a silver bell, so still unisex but in the colour my sister wanted.

i also remember my mum buying me a new bike and HATING the fact it was a purple raleigh bianca! i wanted a red bmx! as soon as i could i got a paper round and saved up bought myself a bike of my choice!

yanbu - My DD has DS2's old bike and it is blue. She wants a pink one but the blue one is in good order and we can spend the money a pink one would cost on something else for DD. We have agreed on pink and purple tassles and some stickers, plus a babyseat on the back for dolly.

It works both ways in our house though - DS3 had a pink carseat and pink vests (under his clothes) because I didn't want to buy another carseat.

They have plenty of new stuff that they can choose and we don't tend to push towards geneder sterotypical colours as a rule but the boys do lean toawrds blue and the girls pink and purple a lot of the time.

I don't think it's unreasonable to hand down bigger items for the saake of the family budget - I doubt anyone was scarred for life for not having a pink bike.

...just remembererd I saw a teenager (boy) with a cerise pink BMX the other I day so things are changing a bit I guess...

Suchprospects, what an excellent point, with you all the way.

I am the first girl after two boys and no one ever thought my parents were being U handing down their stuff. The only close clothes that were specifically mine were school uniform and party dress.

Me too, bikerunski-but things are different now.