to give a girl boy's stuff?

[beatricequimby]

I try to make expensive purchases, like winter coats, unisex (eg red anoraks) hoping they will do for all my children. Same with their bikes. I buy a red one and expect them all to use it turn. My girls do still have plenty of girls clothes and toys as well but this saves me money and I suppose I don't really like everything the girls own being pink or purple. But my dd (5) is objecting more and more to this (big fight over the red bike cos she wanted a Barbie one.) And none of my friends do it, their girls just have girls stuff. So AIBU?

What is this "boy's" stuff you speak of? Are you perchance a time traveller, OP?

This whole thread is amazing, the way people are taking this seriously. Bloody hell. A coat is a coat. A bike is a bike. Your children have (presumably) arms and legs to suit clothes. Why must gender always, always come into it?

Are they truly gender neutral or are the girls are given boys stuff? It makes good sense but if the girl is objecting then I don't think her point should dismissed out of hand. Sometimes it seems that the only demographic who are routinely ridiculed for being a sucker for marketing is girls age 2-6.

YANBU. Very sensible I think.

My DD has a blue boys bike, she doesn't seem to mind. And my younger DS has a very very pink bike, which is DD's hand-me-down, and a pink scooter, he also doesn't mind. There is a biggish age gap between them, so when I bought a lot of DD's earlier stuff I hadn't been planning on handing it down.

DS's favourite shoes are a pair of his big sister's hot pink crocs, they have butterfly and flower charms on them. He wears them in all weather, and has a screeching fit if I ever take them off him, he also had a hissy fit when I 'lost' the charms. I think it's sweet that he likes them so much.

I remember I wanted to be a boy when I was younger. In hindsight I'm sure now I just wanted to be able to do boy stuff, as back then I remember my brother got to have a lot more fun in some ways than did as a girl. Thinking of Cubs and Brownies as an example, in the '80s Cub Scouts went camping, abseiling, canoeing, etc. Brownies did homekeeping, hostess badges, sewing, how unfair! I work in a very male dominated field, I feel I've been fighting gender norms all my life. My only regret is having my hair cut very short at one stage, I was probably about 9 y.o. and funnily enough I hated that some people thought I was a boy. It's fair to say I feel a bit conflicted about gender.

Quirrelquarrel - I would prefer not to think of it as 'boys' stuff and 'girls stuff' but that is not the world my children live in. Unless they are home educated, never watch TV and do not hang out with any of their current friends, I cannot stop them being aware of this stuff. I would be very proud if my dd didn't care about it all but she does.

To those who said that it is my dd who is being asked to do all the compromising, not my ds, I absolutely agree and that is why I am asking if I am being unreasonable. I have to say that I used to be be quite pleased that my ds liked pink stuff when he was 3. But now he is nearly 8 and would be totally teased if he had a pink bike so I would not expect him to use one.

its perfectly normal for a little girl to want little girl things like pink bikes pink shoes basically pink everything maybe you should compremise with her.

I agree with Suchprospects.

Why is it the dd who has to compromise all the time?

I remember dm taking us all to buy coats. Very excited as they were the first non-hand me down coats she bought. Very upset when we got to the shop to find I had to have a blue boys coat so it would pass down to db. As a compromise my pink-hating dsis had to have a pink coat so it would pass down to me. Dsis was pretty hard on her things so by the time it reached me it was more mud colour anyway.

Result: None of us happy (except possibly db but he was stropping just because he was shopping)

You do have to factor in that at 5yo the other girls will comment. "Ooh, you've got a boys bike"/ "why have you got a boys bike?" And it can be very upsetting at that age. Couldn't you see if you can find someone who has boy/girl the other way round and see if you could agree to do swaps for certain things?

I dont think it is fair to give DD what she clearly doesnt want to make a point.

I make mine share everything, their toys are sharing toys, so they have knights and castles, dollies and all sorts.

But DS isnt 4 yet and he is becoming more and more gender aware, refusing a cup if it is pink for example, and he certainly didnt get that here.

Not even slightly unreasonable, ebay is a great place to find character stickers for bikes, iron on patches for clothes etc etc it worked for me - nothing wrong with being frugal

Destiny- I have no words!

Speaking as someone who was teased for a lot of different things at school...is it really so terrible if they get a few snidey offhand comments? Once you get to Y7 and you're the bully calling the boy with the pink bike a girl, you're the one people look at with arched eyebrows.
Children at that age don't know what they want. Things like bikes/coats are usually essentials, why should they decide what they style they want- it's just encouraging them to be inflexible for later on.

• what they style

I was the youngest of 4 with 2 brothers and a sister, i therefore had everything handed down to me and rarely got my own stuff where of course the elder siblings all got to have new shiney things bought for them. Now I can look back and see this as sensible and reasonable and I know that really my elder db and ds didn't always get what they wanted but at the time it often felt like I missed out and had to have other people's stuff all the time just because I was the youngest. To be honest it wasn't really the fact that it wasn't girly I objected to but a percieved unfairness in the distribution of new things (if that makes sense). I still remember the year I got a brand new (well, second hand but new to the family) bike for christmas as this was the first time I had anything significant that was really, truely mine and nobody else could say it was theirs. I was thrilled to bits!

Anyway, I am rambling a bit but I think what I am saying is that your dd may just be becoming aware that everything she gets was bought for someone else and so doesn't really feel like it is hers. I know why you are doing it and it makes sense but I can also see why she might get upset about this if it is a constant thing. So you are not being unreasonable but might want to once in a while get her something specially for her (though not a barbie bike for heaven's sake!).

I dont get it, they have their own little individual personalities, DD is almost 2, and she knows what she wants to wear already.

Actually its more like she knows what she doesnt want to wear.

DS is picky, he has different "days", he likes rock star days (check shirt), daddy days (motorbike t shirts), and so on and so froth.

Whats the problem with that?? I like them to be able to express themselves, I dont see it as picky.

I won't have pink everything in the house, it's enough hassle to get DD in lovely clothes that aren't pastel and hideous pink with princess, special girl, mummy's angel, and other such tripe. Most of her things are unisex, especially the early stuff as she grew so fast and we know (hope) to have more. I do buy and make pretty dresses, and some of her things like lilac dungarees will never suit a boy, but I think YANBU and in fact very sensible!

It annoys me greatly that the worlds resources are being used to make a red bus and a pink bus, a blue easel and a pink easel, a yellow drum and a pink drum. Wtf?

OP Have you considered buying your dd a secondhand bike/coat/etc. in a colour she likes, selling it when she's done, and then buying your ds similar in a colour he likes when he needs it? Probably no more expensive than buying new once.

I still remember being forced into school at five wearing a boy's coat, I sobbed all the way there, all through break and lunch and again, all the way home.

I feel sorry for your daughter being forced into boy clothes and denied the colour bike she wants.

It's not like your buying her a pretty red coat, presumably it has to be masculine enough for a boy to wear in the future, would you be equally prepared to force a boy into something feminine?
Buying cheaper coats that she would enjoy wearing would be better than an expensive item NONE of your kids will want. Do you really think a little boy is going to be happy wearing his sisters old clothes even if they were originally intended for boys?

A bike can always be repainted in the future.

YABU

I agree with bobbledunk that you could just re-paint the bike, then everybodys happy.

I have a DS and a DD, they share stuff (hand me down and hand me up!) despite being 10 and 7 years old.
OP, could you arrange with a friend to swap items between families, so younger siblings get "new" stuff? I do this with a neighbour, it gets a lot more mileage out of toys as they are always "fresh".

"What is this "boy's" stuff you speak of? Are you perchance a time traveller, OP?

This whole thread is amazing, the way people are taking this seriously. Bloody hell. A coat is a coat. A bike is a bike. Your children have (presumably) arms and legs to suit clothes. Why must gender always, always come into it?"

Out of interest, how old are your children?

I don't have any :)
Why is it relevant?

I know there is a perception of certain toys etc as 'boys stuff', but really surprised a red coat or bike is now seen as 'for boys' . Red used to be perfectly acceptable for girls when I was young...

YANBU but as suchProspects says it's not fair if it only works one way. You need to show your DD that her gender is acceptable as the male gender.

My DD is 7 and we deliberately got her a boys BMX as they're just better than girls ones....girls dont NEED a crossbar these days...they don't wear skirts when on their bikes so the stupid crossbar is irrelevant and our DD is too aware of gender sterotypes t want a pink one.

FWIW DD is 8 and most of her t-shirts were handed down from her brothers - she has a long body and I find girls t-shirts are ridiculously sized, far too short and constantly riding up. I do buy her pink glittery stuff as well (I don't like it, but I'm not wearing it ) and we tend to mix it all up. She's happy, so I'd say on the whole YANBU OP. The only thing I'd say is just be aware that things might change, I'd never force DD into wearing something that made her unhappy particularly as she gets older and clothes start meaning more than something she wears iyswim.

They will remember this when they were older, my sister always remembers she only had hand me downs and grew up believing she wasnt important enough to choose her own likes and dislikes or to have new clothes. As she was younger I made up for it in my teens and spoilt her rotten from my part time job.

Buy a cheaper coat for your DS and let the girls choose their own.

Clothes communism in action :)

Pink is popular and if some parents want genderless children they shouldn't ne imposing their politics on other parents by becoming agctivists against the colour pink.

It's all a bit silly and faddish.