to give a girl boy's stuff?

[beatricequimby]

I try to make expensive purchases, like winter coats, unisex (eg red anoraks) hoping they will do for all my children. Same with their bikes. I buy a red one and expect them all to use it turn. My girls do still have plenty of girls clothes and toys as well but this saves me money and I suppose I don't really like everything the girls own being pink or purple. But my dd (5) is objecting more and more to this (big fight over the red bike cos she wanted a Barbie one.) And none of my friends do it, their girls just have girls stuff. So AIBU?

I have two DSs and a baby DD. DD will have a lot of hand-me-down stuff, and

I won't be buying pink replacements for things we already have. I am not very keen on silly 'genderising' of toys etc. anyway, so most of what we have is fairly unisex.

I have just bought a lampshade for DD's room. The boys each have a lampshade with boats on it. I've bought the same one for DD - and avoided the frankly pathetic 'cupcake' / 'fairy' / 'flower princess' versions labelled 'FOR GIRLS' Why on earth should a girl not like boats? Yet the shop assistant was rather surprised/critical.

I agree that a girl generally wants to look like a girl and a boy like a boy. But riding a red bike won't interfere with that.

Though I can understand the little girl wanting to fit in and have 'girly' stuff like her friends have, that's perfectly normal and natural. And there's no harm at all in girls having some pink/girly stuff if that's what they like, some parents do seem to go too far to the other extreme and treat pink as though it's something toxic.

Just really surprises me that red has become a 'boy's colour', I would have thought it was quite neutral. I had a red bike when I was little (and red coat, red shoes etc at various points), and as far as I remember no one found it strange or said it was meant for a boy!

I have 2 DDs. When the elder one was a baby and young toddler, I bought her lots of unisex clothing, partly because I preferred it, and partly because I thought I could have a boy subsequently.

Now DD1 is 4 and has her own opinion on what clothes she likes wearing. I let her choose her own clothes (within reason - usually I choose the approximate style and she picks the colour). She doesn't like wearing clothes if she doesn't like the colour. Fair enough, I don't really either. She does still have some clothes from the boy's sections of shops, because she likes bright colours like yellow and red rather than pastelly colours, but at the same time, if she thinks something is "for boys" then she will refuse to wear it.

Her look is definitely more "girly" now she picks out her own clothes, and she does look more similar to the rest of her peer group (when I collected her the other day she was in a little huddle of girls all wearing the same colour top). On the other hand, DD2, 7 months and dressed by me is always being mistaken for a boy.

I think now DD1 is showing an interest in clothes, I want to let her go with it. I'd like to think that when DD2 is older if she hates all DD1's girly hand-me-downs I will try and sell/swap them for stuff that DD2 will feel happy wearing (which is what I would do if she had been a boy)

I think in the last 10 years the palette aimed at girls by commerce has become incredibly restricted. If you go in to most toy shops or, say, The Gap and look at the toys or clothes that are I. The "girls'" section, are made for girls or feature girls in their advertising you are hit by a wall of pink and purple. There are practically no other colors featured. You don't see that in adult women's (or even teens') products. But I can see why a young girl would think that pink and purple are pretty much the only colours for her.

theres nothing wrong with genders using/playing with other gender orientated colours or toys.

but to ban pink/purple when she wants it...wtf is wrong with you?

I have 3 dds and the older two have always preferred "boys" or unisex stuff - they regularly choose boys' clothes now at 11 and 10. They like blue or red or bright colours more than pastels, and both have always been rather pink-averse. The 3rd is more bothered by fitting into gender norms. But it's really easy to find nasty pink sparkly girls' bikes and coats secondhand, so I wouldn't make a 5yo have things they didn't like, I'd just get secondhand things instead.

Or paint the bike, my nephew has the girls' pink bike repainted blue, it looks fine.

When it comes to wasting on money then YANBU, but if she asked for it at Birthday, Christmas etc, then i think you should respect her choice.

Everyone on here is putting a gender on Fairies ect then using words like pathetic. It is the lack of respect towards pink and what is deemed to be 'fluffy' that is as damaging as removing rights away from women, the point is that women have equal rights whether they choose to look like barbies or have a shaved head. The same lack of respect is leveled at motherhood and SAHM.

Objects don't need to be pink, toys shouldn't be gendered, but if a child has a genuine preferance then some respect should be given to that and a parent should think through their reasons for refusal.

Gender issues are about the removal of rights based on gender and expected behaviour, not colours.

I personally think that those who think women that wear or choose pink are cannot also be strong independant women are as oppressive as patriachy.

Colours:
Boys: Blue, red, green, black, brown, grey, orange, yellow.

Girls: Pink, purple.

I think it's a bit mean tbh. I wouldn't have bought the character bike because they are crap, but I wouldn't have made her have a red one just so it can be handed down. I don't think the issue is just about gender here. They all have very individual tastes so not a lot gets handed down. I have one girl then three boys. Even the twins don't share much - dt2 in particular gets very upset if I pack the wrong clothes for him on a holiday, say.

My dd would have been gutted if I made her have a boys bike. If you carry on with this, what about the cross bar when she gets older too - are you going to make her ride in shorts/trousers constantly?

You can save money in other ways. We resell stuff to make money for new stuff, buy when cheap in the sales and put away for the next year. Buy quality clothes when they are cheap that can be sold on eBay to raise money for the next lot.

Also, don't boys and girls coats do up opposite ways too? dd shirts and blazers can't be handed down because they do up the opposite way to the boys.

OP could you sell these things 2nd hand and then buy for your DD with the money, again 2nd hand?

Silver is a good gender neutral colour for bikes and scooters?

It may well be though that your DD just wants stuff thats 'hers'. I was the eldest growing up but I remember my younger sisters doing a lot of grumbling about hand me downs.

I only have one DS, but when I was childminding I had no 'boys' or 'girls' toys, just toys, in a wide range of colours.

also, if we are trying to avoid gender stereotyping, why can't the boy have a pink bike? DT2 had a barbie scooter handed down from dd, that we got from freegle. He rode it til the wheels fell off it, even up the school. Didn't care what anyone said, because he absolutely adored it cos it had big wheels and went 'really fast'!

I'm wondering how long I can get away with it the other way round! DS2 is only 3, but has plenty of hyper-feminised toys. Our toy kitchen is GN, thank goodness, but his pom poms and majorette baton are a bit pink. And he enjoys a sparkly wand or similar. His scooter is pink, too.

DS1 is obsessed at the moment with things being "for boys." He's 6. He has AS, and has to ask about everything, because he finds it tricky to just know. It's really sad - "Mummy, is this OK for boys to play with?" Hate the whole fecking system.

Tiggy nah...my girls have wardrobes of Red, yellow, white, blue, brown, orange, pink, purple, grey, black, green....there are no colours off limits for girls it's boys who have to suffer the limits.

White is only suitable for Gwyneth Paltrow's children and baby Popes.

I have the same problem - boy of 5 and girl of 3. I have tried to reuse unisex things and clothes, but it actually really upsets DD. DS has a blue scooter and it was given to DD when DS outgrew it. She was initially pleased to have a scooter, but in the playground every single day, she saw her friends with pink scooters. She kept on about it for about 6 months, until Christmas came and she told me if I wouldn't get her a pink one, she would ask Father Christmas to get her a pink one. She said she would ask for nothing else, so that Father Christmas would be sure to get it. It is obviously due to the pressure society exerts on girls and boys as well. My DS outgrew his pants so I bought him a pack of bigger ones. One of them was red with very bright, thin, white stripes and he asked me about 10 times whether they were knickers and was very reluctant to put them on because of the colours.

When they were babies, I reused everything but now they are little people in the world, they really object and I have decided that it is not a battle worth fighting at this stage. I don't want my DD to grow up and only ever wear pink dresses because "mummy made me wear my brother's trousers all the time when I was little". Or similar. The pressure to conform is huge and both my children want to conform and be exactly like their (same sex) friends. In fact, DS doesn't want any friends who are girls and DD doesn't want any friends who are boys. I am just thankful that they have eachother and get on very well and are willing to share their "boys" and "girls" toys with eachother. Although DS does look at DD's fairies as though they are nuclear waste!

I have girls so didnt have the unisex thing going on , but when dd1 got bikes she got a blue bike or a red bike I didnt look at girlie colours however dd2 loved barbie pink glitter fairydust so by the time she was 5 she asked for a pink bike . I dont think YABU to do this for your children OP , however id look for barbie transfers or a bell helmet and customise the bike for yout little girl

I tried very very hard to resist the gender stereotyping and before I had children I was very outspoken on the subject. But as soon as my children could express preferences, they were very clear on what they felt were appropriate for girls and boys when it came to clothes and colours. Not so much toys or activities, but even there, the bias showed- ds had played mo with the brio trains by the time he was 2 than dd had in the previous 5 years.

It's horrible and I hate it. But life is hard for children and I don't want to make it harder for the sake of my political views. Also, and I think people need to think hard about this- often when people use the word "unisex" they mean "boys" whether they mean to or not. We are buying clothes that our girls don't feel entirely happy in so that our boys can have boy's stuff. I don't think anyone would send their boys to school in what were obviously girl's clothes, but when our girls say "But it's a boy's coat" we say "don't be silly, it's just a coat" we need to be very careful here. Girl's should not be taught that they need to adapt for the convenience of boys- that's how society got so unfair in the first place!

TiggyD
Nah, it goes like this:

camouflage patterns, dull brown, olive green= boy

Anything brightly coloured = girl. Bright blue and green t-shirt from Mothercare boys' section gets the friendly elderly clucking over the gorgeous little girl!

Also, I agree with seeker and the others who note the compromise going one way.

My gender neutral ideas horrify everyone around me, because I have boy toddlers. No-one would mind about the same ideas, if I had girls!

My dd has very few pastel clothes. I think its very easy to get different colour things for girls compared to boys. DD loves pink sparkly tat but she hardly ever chooses pink clothes. Dss have mainly blue and sludge colours and grey because there just isn't the same range. Toys are worse than clothes in terms of pinkness.

I often to say to my DD (12) "Dare to be different" but it cuts no ice. Very few children want to stand out from the crowd, they just want to fit in.

Agree with others that it is your DD who is doing all the compromising (although I had a blue and orange bike but it was a girls' bike and I chose it). You wouldn't do it the other way.

Males and females are different, it is not sexism. It is hardwired.

And just to reassure you, my pink and purple obsessed dd who once, aged 4, refused to go to a gym class that was the highlight of her week because she decided that the t shirt I had packed was a boy's one, is now 16, an outspoken feminist and very political and aware. Still likes pretty clothes, though!

Not at all.
I had my brother's hand me downs and it did me no harm.
I never had anything pink. I had a yellow bike and when I bought my own Raliegh Chopper, I chose blue.
The pink explosion is only a recent means of making you buy more toys.
My ds has pink cars and blue cars depending what was on sale at the time. He has a doll that he loves and he pushes her around the garden in his yellow trailer.
I too am buying a red balance bike as the next one will use it regardless of gender. Not wanting to sound old, but when I was a child you were lucky to have a bike. Money was short in our house and we were so excited to be given anything. The colour never even occurred to us.
I am lucky now to have the means to buy new toys for my son, but I still intend for my children to use and share th e same toys. I learnt about the value of things very early on in life and want my ds to learn the same.
Good on you x

We lived itn't shoe box in middle of't road...............

All the preschool toys, etc that we have chosen are primary colours - so no pink "for DD", but equally no camoflage for DS. That seems reasonable to me. I will continue to resist Barbie for as long as I can, for the same reason that I resisted army toys and guns for DS - I hate the things.

DD, now 5, is a very girly girl (God only knows where that came from!) but I let her loose on a box of DS's outgrown clothes the other day and she has been living in his old jeans, tops, etc. Sadly the only time she has really kicked back against that was when she went to holiday club and some child teased her for wearing "boys clothes" . She does choose pink stuff, and has different interests to DS (dolls in particular) but there is a huge overlap where they covet each others' possessions.

I do think it is a lot more generally acceptable for a girl to be into all things "boyish" than for a boy to wear pink / play with "girls" toys. DS (9) would no way wear a pink shirt (and TBH I wouldn't try and make him because it wouldn't suit his colouring!) or be seen with anything that could be construed as "girly"