Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice-Problem re our house

106 replies

twincrazy · 11/01/2012 13:31

We moved will be 2yrs this July into a house that was abit out of reach mortgage wise, but we needed a 4th bedroom, and DH wanted to push himself mortgage wise. We live in a nice area, and the house is lovely.

BUT...the problem is this

When we looked around, we knew it all needed doing up, and we moved in with about 60k, the lounge was a massive overhaul and was done in the summer taking out about 20k roughly.

Our bedroom has been gutted back to plaster and so has the our little girl next to us.

My husband is very very good at DIY and can do everything apart from plumbing

But he only gets one day off a week and is doing the house up in this time, it has even got to the stage since October that he has been rewiring the house

The bottom line is I HATE living like this - I want it done now, but everytime I bring it up..it causes a row.

I have been told the money is drying up - I have no idea how much we have left and DH will not get any help in.

The boys rooms are just horrid - and it all it will take is filling in holes, new flooring,skirting boards, and painting. All the landings are the same...

Anyway Im not sure what the answer is but its really stressing me out now.

Just thought Id sound it off

OP posts:
Original poster
twincrazy · 11/01/2012 21:46

Like I said Im always trying to find the right time to bring it up, he will just give me a hug and I have to brush it off, it generally is like this with anything that isnt a straight and rosey road any decisions that may spark disagrement.

He knows what type of person I am, and I feel I have been lied to. I am not one for living in it for years and years...his outlook is that it will get down in his time, but he is out the house 6 days out of 7 and I am not. I am a very houseproud person and this is not what I want.

I know some of you may think its petty, Im lucky to have a home I know. But I was happy to stay in the old house, with a low mortgage and just get a loft extension, but no he wanted to move to a bespoke area - and now I just think its the biggest mistake ever.

I am not a child I am an adult and I do not have any say, thats the saddest thing.

If I try and talk I get a massive SIGH...and a big groan..all ends in tears....so I have to hide away until the next morning..when I will get a cuddle to brush under the carpet.

Thats why Im down..its not going away

OP posts:
northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 21:56

I know just how you feel - it was exactly the same for me. I'm used to new builds - I had no desire whatsoever to buy a "do up" but I was talked into it.

I used to avoid bringing up the house just to avoid a row (and we had some HUGE rows). Best thing I did was just "tell" him what was going to happen. I know it sounds a bit domineering of me but, like you, it was affecting my sanity. I was having anxiety problems and was prescribed prozac for it - but I started to realise that it wasn't prozac I needed, it was to be in control of my own life. And that also meant not taking any shit from an overgrown child (my DH not yours Wink

Morloth · 11/01/2012 22:00

I think you need to toughen up. He is walking all over you.

You are not getting a say because you are allowing yourself to not have one.

Nothing will change until you do.

northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 22:01

Also just re-read your OP. If he's doing the rewire himself then there's no reason he should be doing the whole house at once. My DH just did a room at a time as we were working on it. Is he a qualified electrician? Cos I think you need to be "part p" registered or something to do this. This is a relatively recent thing and I'm not sure if it affects your insurance or anything but it might affect the re-sale.

Heswall · 11/01/2012 22:01

5 years I have lived in a building site, I had to hide the HV in the kitchen and block her views to the rest of it or else she would have fainted.
We have neither the money nor the skills to do ours up.
I dream of a lottery win, I would skip out the front door of this house and never look back.

missmartha · 11/01/2012 22:12

He just needs to get the work certified by a qualified electrician and prove that the installation was designed by a certified electrician.

It's part of the current Building Regs requirements.

northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 22:17

Heswall - I learnt all my skills on the internet. To be honest I've really surprised myself as I always thought I was crap at this sort of thing.

You could make things look better with some filler and a few tins of paint - the expensive stuff could be done at a later date. Could you not cut your food bill by enough to buy a few tins of paint and some diy materials. Or you could be totally irresposible and do what I did - stick it on a 0% credit card....

Heswall · 11/01/2012 22:24

I actually am a qualified electrical engineer with 2391 test and inspection qualifications but there's no way I'd rewire the house my children slept in, I think there's a lot more to it than exams, experience counts for much much more IMO.

Our trouble is that DH is a perfectionist and it's all or nothing with him, it has to be immaculate or he's not interested. I have quite a lot of paint in the garage that has yet to make it onto the walls, a kick up the jacksy might be in order.

Dozer · 11/01/2012 22:30

Shock at your DH, and Sad about your acceptance of his treatment of you.

redwineformethanks · 11/01/2012 22:33

Have a go...........make a hash of it.............................allow him to come to the rescue and make it good again? Would he do that, and you could look very grateful and bite your tongue about how long it's taken?

moshed · 11/01/2012 22:35

My DH works full-time and has taken 3 years and about £5000 to (almost)completely rennovate our 3 bedroomed Georgian house - including replastering (all of it), new radiators and hot water cylinder, some rewiring, tanking, damp-proofing (other methods) and re-rendering half of the exterior. It is also pretty much redecorated and recarpeted.

We concentrated on the ESSENTIAL with the view that we could add to it later once it was habitable.

We have 3 DC's aged 7, 6 and 2.

It has been a huge stress in our lives.

We did it before, before the DC's, and my DH took a year off of work. That time we were back to dirt floors and bare stone walls but it still cost less than £20K. (not including the loss of his earnings for a year).

I doubt we will do it again.

Bunbaker · 11/01/2012 22:40

I don't think you are being petty at all. I do think that your husband is basically dishonest and a control freak. Being so secretive about money like that is not normal in a proper relationship.

I, too have lived in a "building site" and never want to go through that again. At one point the only habitable rooms were the kitchen and our bedroom. The difference was that we paid people who were experts in their field - electricians, plumbers, bathroom fitters, decorators to do it. We had a burglar alarm fitted, rewiring, stone cladding taken down, plastering, new bathrooms, new hob, central heating upgrade, new carpets, new furniture, new TV and three bedrooms decorated. And I did all the painting - living room, dining room, kitchen and bathrooms. All this came to about £10k.

All this work took approximately 3 months.

Your husband is being utterly unreasonable. Perhaps you could see your way to getting someone in to do some of the work and give your husband beans on toast for his dinner every night as he is being such an arse about money.

northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 22:42

Do it Heswall! You're "in the trade" so practically an expert compared to me..

Honestly, hand on heart, I did a better job of the decorating than the professional decorators we got in to do the hall. A friend gave me the advice to spend as long on the preparation (sanding, filling, masking etc) as I would on the painting. Also I got fast drying gloss (not one coat as I was told it was a bit of a bugger to work with) and I put on 3 thin coats. The emulsion I put on with a roller - again 3 thinish coats. Oh and if the walls are newly plastered use a pva wash first otherwise the walls will "drink" the paint.

They're my top tips!

northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 22:43

moshed - have you missed a zero off? Or did you really do it all for £5k? (seriously impressed if you did)

Bunbaker · 11/01/2012 22:49

"use a pva wash first"

No, not PVA. Just water down some emulsion and use that to prime the walls. There was a discussion on this recently and someone gave an excellent reason not to use PVA, but I can't remember what it was.

northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 22:52

Shit! I've done it now...

moshed · 11/01/2012 22:55

northcountrygirl - no I didn't miss a zero off. The cost of sand, cement, pva, waterproofing chemicals and plaster is minimal.

Our new radiators were about £100 each - I would never spend £2K on a radiator before the house was habitable Shock. Those luxury items can be added later when the essentials are done.

Oh and our house is listed.

northcountrygirl · 11/01/2012 23:17

Well I'm seriously impressed. I thought we'd been keen by getting "mates rates" for everything - but still cost a fair bit when you add it all up. Another reason why ours took 6 years and yours half that time! Hats off to you Wink

Lueji · 11/01/2012 23:38

I am not a child I am an adult and I do not have any say, thats the saddest thing.

If I try and talk I get a massive SIGH...and a big groan..all ends in tears....so I have to hide away until the next morning..when I will get a cuddle to brush under the carpet.

And you think you are not a child? Sad

Lueji · 11/01/2012 23:44

Actually, we had several little things to finish around the house for at least a year. Many seemed quite complicated and we couldn't find a way to fix them.

Until it came the time that we had to move out and suddenly we found a way to fix things and all got done.

And yes, I had to do most of the jobs or force OH to do them. Annoyingly, one of the things I forced OH to do was to basically reconstruct something he had demolished. Angry

dreamingbohemian · 12/01/2012 00:00

I think the most important thing right now is that you at least get to look at the bank accounts and see what's going on with the money.

Even if your DH doesn't want you to have access to them as it's his money (which is total bollocks but leaving that aside) there is absolutely no reason why you can't at least look at the statements. It all sounds very, very suspicious and I would not be surprised if your DH is trying to hide something very serious.

I don't know the law but legally aren't you entitled to see them? I mean, if you were to split up, aren't all your assets split?

On the house front, can you get your teenagers involved? Could they help with the work on Sundays, have your DH show them how to do stuff, and then they could work on it some more during the week?

Nanny0gg · 12/01/2012 00:04

The state of the house and the OP's DIY skills aren't really the problem here.
The fact that she has no say in the dealings of her home, that her partner keeps everything close to his chest and refuses to discuss any of it might be a tad more important...

northcountrygirl · 12/01/2012 00:12

Yes nanny you are probably right.

But some problems are easier to resolve than others.

The renovations could potentially be taken over by the OP if she was able to access/demand access to some money.

The problems with her DH are (IMO) gonna be harder to resolve. Believe me, I know what the OP is going through. I had very very similar from my own DH. The only exception being the holiday home - everything else very familiar.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/01/2012 00:15

you have accepted this for so long that your DH doesnt take you seriously.

a massive kick up the arse is needed. Do you have family or friends that you could decamp to for the time being? to give him a wake up call?

if i were you, i would simply say that you are not prepared to live like this anymore, that you are not prepared to have no control with regard to the finances and the decisions and you may as well live apart until he gets his head around it - then bugger off with the kids for a bit. See if he gets it.

northcountrygirl · 12/01/2012 00:19

And it's not just about picking up a paint brush. It's saying to the other person that "I am an equal, I will do it my way as your way is taking an unacceptable length of time, I will decide how the money is spent, and I will do things as I see fit - because I'm the other adult in OUR home".