Honest Advice-Problem re our house

[twincrazy]

We moved will be 2yrs this July into a house that was abit out of reach mortgage wise, but we needed a 4th bedroom, and DH wanted to push himself mortgage wise. We live in a nice area, and the house is lovely.

BUT...the problem is this

When we looked around, we knew it all needed doing up, and we moved in with about 60k, the lounge was a massive overhaul and was done in the summer taking out about 20k roughly.

Our bedroom has been gutted back to plaster and so has the our little girl next to us.

My husband is very very good at DIY and can do everything apart from plumbing

But he only gets one day off a week and is doing the house up in this time, it has even got to the stage since October that he has been rewiring the house

The bottom line is I HATE living like this - I want it done now, but everytime I bring it up..it causes a row.

I have been told the money is drying up - I have no idea how much we have left and DH will not get any help in.

The boys rooms are just horrid - and it all it will take is filling in holes, new flooring,skirting boards, and painting. All the landings are the same...

Anyway Im not sure what the answer is but its really stressing me out now.

Just thought Id sound it off

Blimey, never mind the state of your house, it's the nature of your relationship that's really depressing. I cannot believe that you aren't 'allowed' to know what's going on with your finances or to have a say in the way the house you share is being done up. Does your DH have ANY respect for you at all?

Even a massively overhauled sitting room shouldn't cost £20K if the total budget is only £60K. I also oversaw the renovations of our really quite large house - and when I say renovations, I mean "tear it to buggery and start pretty much from scratch" for not much over £50K and that was using builders.

I'd be very bothered that the OP neither knows what is in the bank nor has been included in drawing up a sensible schedule of works and accompanying cost spreadsheet. Because you can't manage large scale renovations without either of these essential items.

I'd also be seriously pissed off at the apparently endless work. I've been there (different house, different partner), when the dcs were small and swore I would never live in another building site all the while I had little ones and a husband whose approach to the task was to randomly tear bits of the house to pieces.

I think the house is just part of a much larger problem, mind. As indeed was mine.

its abit long winded but the funds saved are down to DH working overtime, so he does not class this as my money.

He does have a few Sundays off, and a few days off over Xmas.

I think I will have to write a letter because I try and catch him at all different times about coming to some agreement and it doesnt work

I have also tried suggesting that he takes time off holidays and he doesnt want to waste them thats the answer to that. He gets 5 weeks a year, we are away for 3 of those this year.

Its hard for me to get involved as we have a toddler just after 2.5yrs old - so I have to have her out the way - the days she is at preschool I am working

I am wondering if the renovation money has gone elsewhere, which is why access to the account is being withheld - the OP's DH has told her that it's cost £20k to do the living room when it has cost well below that but he's spent money on something else instead.

If he's spent close to £60k (as he says the money is drying up) then something isn't adding up if the house isn't nearly finished.

If she sees the accounts, she'll see exactly where he has spent THEIR money and I wouldn't be surprised to find that it's not gone on materials for the house or the like :(

Could it be that the mortgage and other expenses since the move are also eating into the original £60k and he doesn't want to tell you?

I'd ask for him to sit down and go through finances. You should have access to the bank accounts.

"so he does not class this as my money" - and this strikes you as normal??

This would raise huge red flags for me. Don't even get me started on having to write him a letter because he won't sit and discuss it with you....

£60,000 is a huge budget!

We lived on a domestic building site 18 months ago, for 4 months. We (dh, me, ds aged 11 and dd aged 7 then) slept on matresses on bare floors surrounded by tools and bags of plaster, had one suitcase of toys and all our belongings in the garage.

However, we had tradesmen in and for £50,000 we knocked through the kitchen and dining room to create one big kitchen diner, new fitted kitchen, travertine tiled floor with underfloor heating.
We had the archway btw dining room / lounge blocked up to create comfy lounge.
We had the stairs turned 90 degrees at the top to enable us to enlarge bathroom by taking a piece of stairwell / landing.

Knocked bathroom and sep. loo through. Also knocked out airing cupboard to enlarge bathroom.
Brandnew bathroom suite fitted, tiled, towel radiator, travertine floor tiling.
Wall next to stairs knocked out and replaced with wooden banisters and newel post etc.
All 3 bedrooms and stairs and landing carpeted.
Lounge and hallway done in real oak flooring.
All internal doors replaced withe new ones complete with new handles etc.
Entire house re-wired (dh helped with this to keep costs down)
Entire house re-plastered.
New garage roof.
Builders also painted all walls and ceilings white for us.

Whole project cost £50,000 and took four months.

Four long, hellish months, but so worth it as I now have a beautful house (albeit only a modest 3 bed semi)

Dh and I decided together where the money should be spent.

I think you need more say. A sit down with your dh is in order. Also tell him that you miss him and you miss family time. And if you get tradesmen in then your dh will have more time to spend with you and the family... he may see sense in that?

one suitcase of clothes, sorry. toys would have been nice, but clothes more essential

oh, we also had a new combi boiler fitted and new radiators in every room of the house (including a funky vertical one in the kitchen / diner)

I find the idea your DH has that his overtime money has nothing to do with you very worrying tbh. Surely the fact is that while he is out earning extra, you are having to be at home looking after his child? If you weren't doing that then he would be unable to earn the extra, so the idea that it is not your money as much as it is his is laughable.

I thought being a married couple involved sharing everything? There are a few threads with this sort of theme around at the moment, people having issues with who earns what and whose money is whose, I find it all a bit odd. I know everyone has different ways of sorting themselves out, but the idea of each person having their own finances seperate, especially when you have children and a supposedly shared home life.

About the house, yanbu, but yabu to let the situation continue as it is, you need to really get through to him that he cannot just carry on doing everything his way while you and your daughter have to live with the consequences.

You should be in an equal partnership! Good luck.

My DS2 is 2.5 and I'm managing to get some DIY work done with him around! Not a lot, and it's not easy but its doable.

If he doesn't consider the 60k 'your money', does he consider the house as 'yours'?
Could you both take a,day off next time your dc is at nursery to a) talk about this and agree an adult solution that you are both happy with and b) get grafting to get a large chunk of the electrical work done. Then c) get practicing your own diy skills. Send the children on a playdate after school and spend a couple of hours - you'll be amazed and proud at what you achieve

If he's spent close to £60k (as he says the money is drying up) then something isn't adding up if the house isn't nearly finished.

Flisspaps I thought this too, I have a feeling something is going horribly awry here. Either the money has been spent on something else or he has fucked up financially and is trying to 'shield' you from it . The fact he is 'hiding' the bank statements from you and gets defensive if you bring it up is ringing alarm bells all over the place.

If I've got this right, he completely controls the finances and doesn't allow you any input. Has it always been this way or just since the move? What happens to your wages? Are they paid into his account too ?

Either way, you need to take action, whatever is going on has an impact on you and your children. I would sit down with your husband and ask to go through the bank account together so he can explain what has been bought and why. Explain that this secrecy has to stop and that you want a joint account set up where you both have access to the money.

You are not a child, you are an equal partner in this marriage and your husband shouldn't treat you like one. If something is - god forbid - seriously amiss, then you will suffer the consequences just as much as him. You owe it to yourself and your kids to find out.

he must have debts, or he's invested his/the money somewhere even further from your access.

sounds really grim op, that he's so work driven, that he see's holiday time as a waste of time.

I second what others have said about

1. The fact that you don't and can't have knowledge about the budget reveals a serious trust/respect/communication problem in your marriage.

2. 20K to do a lounge, even with changing a roof and new windows seems a huge amount of money. I replaced the wooden sash windows in my old flat. The two upstairs measured 10 ft by 6 ft. There was one other large sash window, two normal windows and double french doors. This cost me about 6k including labour.

3. You can do some of the DIY yourself. I was a complete novice when I started my old flat, and yes, the things that I did last did look better than the projects I tackled first, but it was all perfectly good. I am now halfway through making some built-in wooden cupboards in my new house.

Is your name on the mortgage?
Does your salary go on the house/expenses?

20k to do up a lounge what did you do roll it in gold?

Um you can't spend 20k doing up a Lounge! That's insane, I've just had new oak flooring, silk curtains and blinds made to measure, false chimney breast built, inglenook fireplace, slate hearth, basically really gone to town, that with.colins and Harris 3 seater 2 seater and armchair, oak tv cabinet, custom oak fire surround, wallpapered etc and even I haven't spent anything like that sum. And mine is a bloody big room! If you have really spent that you both need to sit down and look at realistic budgeting.

"so he does not class this as my money. "

Bollocks to that. Why is he so secretive about the bank account? Is he paying off debts, paying for a child from another relationship or something else?

I'm sorry, but the lack of trust here is ringing alram bells.

Im back - just wanted to say thank you all for taking the time to reply and your thoughts means alot

Ok just to reclarify the lounge was almost like an extension as the whole roof was smashed down, a new pitched roof up, velux windows in x 6 @ £600.00 each, new flooring, plastering, then DH choose two expensive rads, one of them was about 2k the other one maybe abit less. Then he has ordered a open fire thing - which is nice but I wasnt bothered, this has cost 3k.

I have offered to do a spreedsheet before we started a thing - i told him to give me all the reciepts and then we could see what was going on. But he never let me or maybe I should have pushed it.

I do pay an amount towards the mortgage when we moved, I did say I wouldnt be able to contribute anymore - he said he would be able to cover it.

It is NOT my idea of fun, sorry some girls can manage it, I cant, I have twin teenager boys, and a little toddler to juggle, I also work as well - its not just the boys bedrooms, its the bathroom that has been tampered with and is a wreck, all the landings (town house) and of course the boys rooms. I have said about just painting it but he is making it sound like it isnt as simple as that ie each room needs plastering.

When kids are around Im either cooking or tidying up, saturdays is the only day I have in the house pm as Im doing football runs. Sundays he is around so I am out the house juggling the kids, not nice on your own in the freezing cold. Most weekends I am in tears if the truth be known. This Sunday I was on the verge of a serious meltdown a friend took me in and I came home at 6pm. Not nice.

All week long Ive been tripping up over dust sheets tools laying around etc.

I have it thrown at me that he works all the time - we have an apartment in Spain had it for 7yrs we rent it out - (again his idea) we have a small mortgage on it but still have to pay community fees, when we bought it I said I couldnt contribute to any of this - so I get it all thrown up to my face that he is paying this too. Id like to sell it but due to the climate we cant and would get peanuts. Tonight for example Ive suggested one night after work he puts some flyers up in some big buildings he works in-the reply is Im always working. We need the money in for rentals, and we get alot of bookings this way. I was told to be more productive. Im not sure what he wants from me I look after our little girl every day apart from 3 mornings when I work.

Im getting just a little fed up now and feel really really trapped and of course waking up to a house that I cant deal with is making me really depressed, why should I give in and go to the doctors because I cant speak to my own husband!

Poor you. Think this is bigger than the house. Don't think it should be thrown back at you that he earns more than you. It should be a joint decision. Perhaps you could ask how feels about you increasing your hours to full time, if that's an option? If he's not keen, at least he has then committed to the idea of you being at home sometimes with children

If I worked full time - then everything I earn will go on childcare. Ive thought about this, because right now I feel totally useless.

It sounds as though you both are feeling over-worked and undervalued.

Surely you can demand some time alone with him to clear the air and decide together what your family's priorities are short, medium and long-term.

And as to your last sentence - if you are feeling depressed then it isn't a case of 'giving in' and going to the docs. Its in your own interest to do so, you will be punishing no-one by refusing to seek help.

I genuinely feel sorry for you. I have been in a similar position in the past and can understand your frustration. But I can't see any resolution to this until you and your DH agree to discuss it properly.

I feel your pain!

We moved into our house almost 6 years ago and it still isn't finished.

I had all the rows you seem to be having and was accused of nagging and being unsupportive. My house was never really a building site as the work was contained but DH (who is in construction!) was very good at starting projects but not so good at finishing them. Also had all the excuses about jobs not being simple and certain things had to be done that I couldn't possibly understand...

Anyway, about 6 months ago I'd had enough so kind of "took over". I don't know what took me so long and I really wish I'd done it sooner. First thing I did was start a spreadsheet. I listed all the rooms and the jobs that needed to be done in them, along with costs and timescales. I then asked DH if the lists were accurate and I had taken account of everything (was like pulling teeth).

Then I just kind of got on with it. My OH is a sparky so I said if he wanted to do the wiring then he needed to do it by x date on each room otherwise it was going ahead without it. Plastering, if you want a good finish needs to be done by someone skilled - I'd just ask around and get someone in to do this. I discovered that by taking my time (and spending the most time on preparation) that I'm actually quite good at painting and basic DIY.

Once I got cracking it seemed to motivate him too and to be fair he did pull his weight. In the last 6 months I've done the 3 kids rooms - only 1 needed plastering (and they are really really fab - quite chuffed with myself!), decorated 2 bathrooms (no major works to do fortunately) and have today moved back into the newly decorated lounge - which DID need a fair bit doing to it - rewiring, some joinery, plastering, new flooring and then decorating.

All thats left now is the study which I don't really use much other than to do my hair, the basement (was started by him but i couldn't really care less as it's only somewhere to do the washing) and the garden. The garden is a sore point as it has been "under construction" for 2 years this coming April. All that needs doing is half the garden is just hardcore and it DH wants to lay astroturf here (!?). Have told him if it's not complete by March (growing season) lawn seed is going down.

To be fair, my youngest is older than yours (4) and I do have access to money. You could ask your boys to keep the youngest entertyained though? And do bits when she's in bed? I do think the hardest thing in my case was actually starting the work. Once I got going though I quite enjoyed it. And it's so nice coming home to a lovely house these days

I'm in a similar situation. It's hard cos we rarely get whole family time and I don't often get a break as I have the kids non stop so he can do the DIY. It's so hard living in such a mess with DIY stuff everywhere.

Really all the money should be classed as shared money - not seperate his and hers. You 'earn' your way by looking after the kids and if you were paid a salery for it - it would be a lot considering the number of hours you do. He must start counting your care of the children as valid work and your contribution - just as his contribution is earning a wage outside the home. They are equal in effort.

Can you take time out on an evening to get out of the house by yourself or with friends - cinema/excercise class etc. Can your DH pencil in three hours each weekend to spend as a family? He is completely missing the kids growing up and could regret it in the future.