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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice-Problem re our house

106 replies

twincrazy · 11/01/2012 13:31

We moved will be 2yrs this July into a house that was abit out of reach mortgage wise, but we needed a 4th bedroom, and DH wanted to push himself mortgage wise. We live in a nice area, and the house is lovely.

BUT...the problem is this

When we looked around, we knew it all needed doing up, and we moved in with about 60k, the lounge was a massive overhaul and was done in the summer taking out about 20k roughly.

Our bedroom has been gutted back to plaster and so has the our little girl next to us.

My husband is very very good at DIY and can do everything apart from plumbing

But he only gets one day off a week and is doing the house up in this time, it has even got to the stage since October that he has been rewiring the house

The bottom line is I HATE living like this - I want it done now, but everytime I bring it up..it causes a row.

I have been told the money is drying up - I have no idea how much we have left and DH will not get any help in.

The boys rooms are just horrid - and it all it will take is filling in holes, new flooring,skirting boards, and painting. All the landings are the same...

Anyway Im not sure what the answer is but its really stressing me out now.

Just thought Id sound it off

OP posts:
ViviPru · 11/01/2012 14:22

I can't imagine decisions and projects going on around me that I have no say in. Surely things like this should be managed as a team, no matter who is purportedly "good at DIY"

PosieParker · 11/01/2012 14:23

DIY SOS???

TimothyClaypoleLover · 11/01/2012 14:25

twincrazy, if you are earning a wage as well where does that go? It is unreasonable for your DH to deny you any access to the finances let alone make joint decisions together.

NinkyNonker · 11/01/2012 14:41

Yanbu to be hacked off he isn't including you. He doesn't sound like he is very time/resource efficient. When we move I will project manage as I don't work and am good at it, does he not trust you?

Had he checked what electrical stuff he is allowed to do?

RuleBritannia · 11/01/2012 15:05

You haven't yet said (I might have missed it) that you go to work. If not, why not? Get yourself a job and if your DH is not spending the £60,000 unwisely elsewhere contribute to the cost of the refurbishment. Going to work and having your own bank account would do you a lot of good where self-esteem is concerned.

If your DH will not let you look at the balance on the bank statement or the refurnishmenbt accounts, I think there is a problem with a control freak.

My mother was 75 when my father died and I had to help her open a bank account and explain how to write a cheque. Don't leave it that long.

Flisspaps · 11/01/2012 15:14

I don't think the state of the house should be the thing that concerns you to be honest.

What should concern you is that you have no access to the bank account because your husband doesn't trust you not to spend all the money in there. The decision to 'whack some back on the mortgage' should be a joint decision, not just his.

Nixea · 11/01/2012 15:15

" I look after the kids 7 days a week - and although I only work part time I find it all abit much."

On the previous page.

wonkylegs · 11/01/2012 15:21

DIY even if you are competent doesn't always save money often the piecemeal nature of it costs more than just getting stuck in and sorting it out. I think you need to have a Frank discussion with your DH and sit down and set out what money you have, what NEEDs to be done, what you'd like to be done and any extras on the top. Then start allocating money and budgets. Project managing this will help you both get a handle on this and hopefully make you feel more in control and less fed up of living with it.

aldiwhore · 11/01/2012 15:23

I'm rubbish at DIY and we have no budget, DH works away a lot so doesn't have much time, I'm a SAHM and part time carer (full time hours, part time pay) for my FIL.

I am chipping away at our house. Its rented so nothing structural to be done. One room at a time. One corner at a time. Go into each room, list exactly what needs doing (and I'd do the kitchen first by the way) price everything up, see what you CAN do (and you can do more than you think). Your DH is being VU if he won't let you be involved, and YABU if you simply think you can't. You don't have to be good at painting to do a good job, I must use about 1000 rolls of thick masking tape when I paint, I just slap it on.

There's also loads of short videos on u-tube to show you how to fill holes etc., get your DH's work tools in hand and try... you'll either mess up and worry your DH which will kick him into action, or you'll find you're actually not half bad.

You can also get quite a lot done with the children in the house.

Completely understand the misery of an incompleted project though.

lambethlil · 11/01/2012 15:27

I am not handy at all, but over the years have laid floors, painted walls, put up shelves, fixed curtain rails tiled walls etc. The finish wasn't always great, but it sure beats waiting for someone else to do it.

Vicky2011 · 11/01/2012 15:31

lack of access to this bank account and of any information on it is a HUGE red flag. Is he controlling in other ways?

Bunbaker · 11/01/2012 15:36

"The only way to stop being useless at painting is to do more of it. Get stuck in!"

I agree. There was once a time when I had no idea how to paint or wallpaper, now I am a dab hand at both.

I did three things:

  1. Asked people at work who were good at DIY for tips
  2. Buy a decent "How to" DIY book
  3. Practice

I found the easiest way as a novice to paint walls was to use a paint pad. Try doing some undercoating where the finish isn't important. I can now use a paint roller with a short handle and it is astonishing how much you can get done in a short space of time.

I agree with other posters who find it worrying that your husband is in total control of the finances. He is treating you like a child. I couldn't live with someone who couldn't trust me with money.

NatashaBee · 11/01/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MessNessPess · 11/01/2012 15:39

The lack of access to the finances is scary IMO, my DH is very handy and apart from foundations, block work and roofing he does it himself but I am also a participant and am handy with drill and brush so jobs take half the time with 2 and an age with just 1.

cestlavielife · 11/01/2012 15:44

of course you can aping a room so it looks reasonable - how old are your dc? bet they can weild a paint brush too. make it part of a fun game. you do one wall they mess about on another area til you can paint it over.

if dh doesnt like it not looking profresional , well tough - but really, painting aroom is just not that difficult... frshly painted even with a few drips wil look far better than it does now.

does your h tell you you cant do it? has he suggested you dont touch a brush ?

and why dont you have access to the account?

QuickLookBusy · 11/01/2012 15:49

Honestly OP if you filled in the holes and painted the boys room it would make such a difference to the way you feel about it. It will be hard work with the DC around but it will be worth it.

If you do it the painting will not be to the same standard as DH BUT who cares? If he really doesn't like your work he can redo it when he has fininshed the rest of the house.

You'll only need a tub of polyfiller, a couple of pots of paint, a roller and some small brushes. Look on hte internet for some tips.

You could do a whole room for less then £100.

And you do not need your DHs permission to do it, just get on with it.

elastamum · 11/01/2012 15:52

I would wonder where the money is going? It isnt reasonable for you to not see your finances too. 3 yrs ago I did up a huge house (4000sq ft) using builders for not much more than that and that included new kitchen, 2 new bathrooms, re plumbing and completely re configuring the upstairs. It took 8 weeks.

LadyGahGah · 11/01/2012 15:56

Firstly you need to get stuck in too. Secondly you need to have access to the bank account. Just because he is the main earner it doesn't mean you don't earn in other ways, working, sahm etc. it wouldn't hurt to get some quotes for the work would it?.....if he insists on doing it, can he not take some holiday time and crack on?

UterusUterusGhali · 11/01/2012 16:05

Are you sure he still has the money?

Seriously, this is a bigger problem than bare plaster.

redwineformethanks · 11/01/2012 16:09

Hard living in a mess, but painting and filling holes isn't so difficult. You could have a go at that and you won't do any harm if you don't do a great job

I'd be worried about being excluded from finances. Where are your bank statements held? Can't you look at them?

eurochick · 11/01/2012 16:15

I agree with the others who are saying the lack of access to finances is hugely concerning.

How can you not be good at painting? It's not rocket science. Use masking tape or newspaper to cover things you don't want paint on, paint edges carefully with a bush, slap the rest on with a paint pad or roller, check you haven't missed any, leave to dry and repeat! I used to help my dad with this when I was a child.

verytellytubby · 11/01/2012 16:16

60 grand is a massive budget especially if he's doing most of it himself.

Demand access to the money. Find out what's going on. I couldn't imagine a relationship where I didn't have access or knowledge of an account.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/01/2012 16:18

"No access to the bank account-but knowing him he will want to save as much as possible for rainy day. And he will do as much as he can himself. "

"I think his reasoning behind me not knowing is that I dont go and spend it all and also I think he wants to whack some back onto the mortgage"

"Whats upsetting me the mosts is that I dont have a say, and I just want a nice clean house, nothing materlistic."

"The months are dragging into seasons and I just feel like I should be able to have a say too"

Sorry OP, but the house is the least of your problems. Your DH is one humungous problem. He is treating you like a child - you have no access to the bank account in case you spend it? WTF? And no say in what happens, when or how? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I can understand that he wants to DIY it if he is skilled, but it's a pain in the arse once the job starts dragging out. My DH is also pretty handy, but for bigger jobs he finds out how much it will cost him to get a professional in, estimates how long it would take him to do it, and calculates how much he is therefore "paying" himself per hour to DIY. If it's too little, he gets the professionals in. Plus, he takes into account how long it would take them versus himself - e.g. if he would take a couple of days and they would take an afternoon, he is willing to pay for the convenience of a quicker job. Your husband, on the other hand, is apparently saving nothing by doing it himself ("I have been told the money is drying up") and the job is taking forever. Seriously, rewiring since October? Completely unreasonable.

But the work on the house is, as I said, the least of your problems. Having no say in the matter and being treated as less than equal partner in the marriage is your main problem. You need access to the account, and equal say in what happens with the house and its renovations.

WorraLiberty · 11/01/2012 16:21

I can't believe you're a married couple and yet you have no knowledge or access to the money being used to do up the house?

Also, saying you're 'rubbish' at painting doesn't really cut it imo.

The same as if my Husband declared he was 'rubbish and washing and cooking'....I'd tell him practice makes perfect Wink

It does really sound as though you two need to pull together on this...the home belongs to you both so why wouldn't you?

WorraLiberty · 11/01/2012 16:22

*at