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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have just sent my 5yr old to bed without dinner ?

120 replies

CoffeeDog · 09/01/2012 17:21

just walked up to local shops (5min walk) whilst we were in there she kicked/punched/pushed me repeatedley because i wouldn't buy x y z ? Got Really stroppy when i told her there would be NO moshi monsters today/tomorrow and increased the kicking my leg hurts like a bitch now

If i didnt despratley need milk/bread for breakfast i would have marched them all straight home... but no i had to stand i a long queue with her screaming and attacking me... thankfull very nice man behind me reminded me that this was him yesterday and will be somone else in a hour ;)

So we marched home and i have thrown her in her room (removed cd player) put her pj on her bed and told her i will not see her untill morning.

AIBU not to let her out for tea later / see daddy - he gets in at 630-645?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeDog · 09/01/2012 17:37

She is in yr 1 doing very well at school - sat and had a chat about school with her as per usually whilst doing spellings and reading book... ect... no problems that i know of.

She is strong and the twins copy everything she does, IT is not OK for her to kick me/hit me. Plonking her on the floor by the milk / Naughty step in the middle of the coop just seemed inappropiate for a nearly 6 yr old?

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 09/01/2012 17:38

You have a 5 year old that, from your posts, deals with being thwarted with aggression and physical violence. I would suggest that your problems are bigger than whether you give her something to eat this evening.

perceptionreality · 09/01/2012 17:40

LaurieFairyCake is right - it's a good idea to tell her how to channel her anger appropriately, ie - not by hurting other people. I also agree that getting food into them when they come out of school limits tantrums at reception age.

EnjoyResponsibly · 09/01/2012 17:40

If she calms down and apologises let her join you for dinner, then bed at the same time as the little ones.

If she doesn't it's a sandwich in her room and bed at the same time as the little ones.

Your DH can be the silver bullet here. If she's in her room and no apology I'd send him in to explain why she's in the dog house and how her behaviour toward you must improve.

Star charts always work in our house if the reward is a good one. Agree also with withdrawing privileges if no improvement.

Has she just started school. What's she like there?

OhdearNigel · 09/01/2012 17:40

Sorry, x posted there with your post saying she is normally fine.

I think you need to try and get to the bottom of what's going on today. Something awful might have happened and this is how she is dealing with it. Can you not go in with something to eat and try to calm her down ?

grubbalo · 09/01/2012 17:43

I think if it's a one off you probably don't need to be calling in the child psychologist just yet!

I agree though, maybe try to find out if there is something that happened today that explains it all. You'll feel terrible if you find out tomorrow there was a reason she was feeling do frustrated (I do realise it doesn't excuse the bad behaviour).

On the basis it's a one off, I'd have though withholding the Moshi monsters was quite a tough punishment already?

EnjoyResponsibly · 09/01/2012 17:44

Sorry OP x post, this threads moving fast.

I bet you can't wait til bed time.

signet2012 · 09/01/2012 17:45

I think some time out in her room might do her some good. She cant kick the door forever, surely?

You will have to give her some tea. I suggest you shout her down. Let her sit at the table and maybe try find out why she is doing this if its so out of character.

I was a shit when I was a kid and often got sent to bed without my tea but to be honest, my dad always caved and gave me something much better than my mum's cooking so it wasnt really a punishment :)

AlphaF · 09/01/2012 17:46

I'd go in to see her, with a snack, once she's cooled down. Ask her if she's feeling better. Explain that you were very upset by her behaviour, and that you wonder if there is anything upsetting her at school etc. Explain that sometimes when we're very tired we find it harder to stay happy, but that kicking is never all right.
Ask her to apologise for kicking you and give her a cuddle as you put her to bed. She is still quite little, probably negotiating a tough world at school and needs you very much.

flyingspaghettimonster · 09/01/2012 17:47

How do you get her to stay upstairs? My son is 6 and he disobeyed me last week so I sent him to his room - he cried so much about being scared to be alone that he threw up... I was wondering how to get him to stay upstairs on his own, not exactly like we live in a haunted house or like there were no toys or lights... he just never wants to be alone or without his sister...

I wouldn't remove food either, but would only feed basic food. The trouble with these situations is making a threat and then not being able to carry it out because you made it too dramatic. I am guilty of this - and then if I have to back track it makes me look weak willed.

OriginalJamie · 09/01/2012 17:47

When is she like this?

If it's after school then she's probably hungry, tired or emotionally tired.

If she's angry, I'd try and get to the bottom of that.

Of course you can't tolerate being the recipient of her emotions, but if you punish then tell her you will talk to her afterwards because you want to help her stop being like this.

YA v unreasonable to leave her in her room all this time, with or without food,

PocPoc · 09/01/2012 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justonemorejingle · 09/01/2012 17:48

By the way I think the kicking is very wrong and deserves strong punishment, and I don't agree with others who are so horrified at a 5 year old lashing out like that. Obviously it would be a worry if it happened regularly, but you say it's out of the blue and I think even a 5 year old can have a bad moment. But knowing what put her in that mood would help you to prevent another meltdown.

Henwelly · 09/01/2012 17:48

I would tell her to come down for dinner and then send her back up - did this with DS in the holidays. He doesn't want a repeat of the 5.15pm bedtime so is being an angel at the moment!!

I do think if you have told her that is her punishment for hitting you then you need to follow it through.

Hulababy · 09/01/2012 17:49

You say this is out of the blue and not normal behaviour for her.
How long has it been going on?
How did you react?
Can you think of anything that has triggered this change in behaviour?

Could she be over tired? Hungry? Upset about something that has/is happening to have triggered it?

Your OP does suggest she was going to bed with no food tonight. This is not acceptable. You simply can't withdraw food as a punishment. Besides it being cruel, it will backfire as there is no way she will settle whilst hungry, esp later on.

I would bring her downstairs.
I would feed her at the table with very limited chat for now.
Then sit at the table with her afterwards and discuss what happened and why.
If she starts to kick off, then simply ignore her and stop speaking to her until she calms.
And then repeat.
I do think you need to sit and calmly discuss this with her, esp if it is out of the norm.
She needs to say sorry for hurting you.
She needs to be also told her what the consequence of her behaviour is - not allowed to play, early bed, no treats, or whatever.
Let her know that you are disappointed in her behaviour, and that she has hurt you. Show her the marks or bruises.
At the end of it all, make friends.

But then she gets early to bed. I would still read her a story, say goodnight, kiss goodnight, etc. I wouldn't send her to bed without making up if I coudld help it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/01/2012 17:50

Noted that you're going to feed her, OP. I wouldn't let her sit downstairs with the rest of you. That is her punishment.

To be quite honest, a child that kicks and behaves like that would get a smacked bottom (just one), to get them to stop. It would have stopped me in my tracks. What else can you do when talking doesn't work and you have to take them with you? Sorry for you, OP, no child should feel that it's ok to hit and kick somebody, least of all their parent. Confused

OldMumsy · 09/01/2012 17:50

Bloody hell, I would have put her over my knee and spanked her bottom. I would have given her tea though. She sounds like she has got out of control.

Hulababy · 09/01/2012 17:50

I wouldn't have her eat in her room.
If still in a temper it could lead to a mess to start with.
But I do think she should sit at the table and eat her meal properly, but probably on her own.

Henwelly · 09/01/2012 17:52

Btw, I never send him to bed early without the usual routine iyswim, we have the usual bedtime drink, story, cuddles and an explanation of why he is going to bed early and how much mummy is looking forward to a better day tomorrow.

The punishment is purely early to bed.

OriginalJamie · 09/01/2012 17:52

OldMumsy yes, let's hit a child to teach her that when you are angry and someone has done something you don't want, you hit them. Logical

Hulababy · 09/01/2012 17:52

I know some don't mind smacking, but it is not for me and not what I would recommend. For me it would send mixed messages. You don't want her to hit and kick you. So for me, it would seem inappropriate to then hit her in order to get her to stop hitting.

However, that is off track really. Not wanting to turn the OPs's thread into a smacking v not smacking debate.

CharShep · 09/01/2012 17:54

YANBU she will not starve and she might start to understand better the consequences

BratinghamPalace · 09/01/2012 17:54

OP, what happened can be very difficult to deal with. As a child bed without supper was very serious indeed and you knew you had crossed a huge line. Very few children in our side of the world will starve so I would not get too bothered by that. I bet you are overwhelemed, hurt and of course concerned as well as livid. Get all matter of fact, ignore shouting etc and if you have a bath run it and get in with the twins.. She may come to join. No matter what time it is! Good luck, don,t beat yourself up too much and remember, it will pass. Have a read of Louise Bates Ames , excellent on children.

hardboiledpossum · 09/01/2012 17:56

That sounds like pretty extreme behaviour from a 5 year old I would want to get to the bottom of why she is behaving this way first and foremost. The most important thing is to understand why she behaved this way so that you can stop it happening again. I understand that she needs to be punished but could the punishment not fit the crime a bit more? So stop all outings out until she learns to behave in public, or something else? Now that you have sais she can't have tea with the family I wouldn't go back on that but bring her a up something boring. I would also let her dad say goodnight to her and maybe have a chat about her behaviour, ask her why she did it and explain that it was completely unacceptable for her to attack you.

OldMumsy · 09/01/2012 17:57

Original, well my twins are 20 now and both at university and happy so they are obviously damaged beyond belief. They enjoy coming home and are friends with me on facebook etc etc and they said they were glad they had set boundaries when they were little.

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