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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have just sent my 5yr old to bed without dinner ?

120 replies

CoffeeDog · 09/01/2012 17:21

just walked up to local shops (5min walk) whilst we were in there she kicked/punched/pushed me repeatedley because i wouldn't buy x y z ? Got Really stroppy when i told her there would be NO moshi monsters today/tomorrow and increased the kicking my leg hurts like a bitch now

If i didnt despratley need milk/bread for breakfast i would have marched them all straight home... but no i had to stand i a long queue with her screaming and attacking me... thankfull very nice man behind me reminded me that this was him yesterday and will be somone else in a hour ;)

So we marched home and i have thrown her in her room (removed cd player) put her pj on her bed and told her i will not see her untill morning.

AIBU not to let her out for tea later / see daddy - he gets in at 630-645?

OP posts:

KwaziiHunt · 09/01/2012 17:29

You said you wouldn't be feeding her.

Original poster

CoffeeDog · 09/01/2012 17:29

she will of couse not get any pudding... and its red jelly and tinned stawberries tonight

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 09/01/2012 17:30

Wow I think that behaviour is really bad for 5! 3 maybe... I think you have to feed her (I never let mine eat in their rooms and would let her down for dinner at the table but then straight back up - a sandwich in her room for dinner is a bit like a treat to a 5yo surely?) but putting her to bed early (5pm is surely only perhaps 2 hours early) is in proportion!

usualsuspect · 09/01/2012 17:30

I wouldn't leave a 5 year old in her room all evening either

AllYourCakeAreBelongToMe · 09/01/2012 17:30

I sent ds (6) to bed before dinner the other day for similar behaviour (the first time he's ever done that, I hasten to add). However, once he'd calmed down and apologised, I let him come down and eat. If he hadn't calmed down and apologised, I'd have taken something up to his room. Food shouldn't be part of the punishment. Exclusion's the punishment.

AMumInScotland · 09/01/2012 17:30

If you don't want to go back on what you've threatened (though I think it was wrong of you) then how about her dad takes her dinner in when he gets home?

I can see that you are very frustrated, but food shouldn't be withheld from young children, specially when it had nothing to do with her misbehaviour. If she had thrown a meal on the floor, then not providing another might be justified. But not when it was mor egeneral misbehaving.

Whelk · 09/01/2012 17:31

YABVVU.

civilfawlty · 09/01/2012 17:31

I'd be inclined to give he some bread and butter. But beyond that, I think it's perfectly reasonable.

Original poster

CoffeeDog · 09/01/2012 17:32

I have some lovley bruises comming up on my leg... TBH i was fumming!! i

She is currentley kicking crap out of the door Its not locked.... if we didnt live ina flat and her accross from the twins i would take it off the hinges ;)

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 09/01/2012 17:32

Does she respond to star charts? 5 is a good age for them. Make it really clear and simple for her to understand what she gets a star for and give her a choice of rewards which she should get after an achievable number of stars - we always do 10 - ideally things like swimming or a cinema trip 1:1 with you or Daddy, if your circumstances allow. This works really well for my 6 year old and has done for a couple of years.

StrandedBear · 09/01/2012 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jasminerice · 09/01/2012 17:33

You are nasty. How can you deprive a 5 year old of a meal. No wonder she bites and kicks you if this is how you treat her.

perceptionreality · 09/01/2012 17:33

Yes YABU - I would say it's abusive to withdraw food from any child, especially one as young as 5. If she's hungry her behaviour will be even worse. Her behaviour might be because she had a hard day at school and she's over tired.

Withdrawing Moshi Monsters (ie a treat) is enough of a punishment imo.

grubbalo · 09/01/2012 17:34

Is she in reception or year 1? Not much difference I know, but my DS1 is on reception and his teacher warned us that the first few weeks of this term is classic for bad behaviour - they are just realising school is a permanent fixture. As a consequence, we could expect some severe testing of boundaries at home.

I get why you're cross, I get why you don't want to back down, but you need to give her something to eat. Personally I wouldn't use food at all as a battle - I don't think it helps kids to think food is a reward or that some foods are punishment foods. But I don't think eating on her own would mean you are backing down too much.

We've all been in similar situations, it's horrible but keep telling yourself they she's only 5, this will all pass.

OhdearNigel · 09/01/2012 17:34

YABVU and you know it.

Original poster

CoffeeDog · 09/01/2012 17:34

Her normal bedtime is 730 - twins go down at 7 so she has 1/2 hour of mummy/daddy time before bed.

She is usally a well behaved child this is completley out of the blue?

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 09/01/2012 17:35

usualsuspect she sounds overtired to me though - I think if mine were that worked up with no clear cause that would be the reason. In that case putting her to bed early is likely to lead to her being fast asleep when she's blown her temper tantrum out, it's not like 5 year olds stay up til 10pm (esp on a school night) so "all evening" is not that long surely?

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2012 17:36

She's currently kicking the crap out of the door - still?

That's some tantrum. I'd throw a banana into her room. When dd was at primary I met her every day with a bit of food, buttered digestives, babybels, bananas etc as she was always a mad, grumpy sod until she had some food.

Maybe also encourage her to punch her pillows. If you're calm now go in and say "I can see your feeling very frustrated, try hitting the pillows as hard as you can"

bakingaddict · 09/01/2012 17:36

I understand she had a massive tantrum in the shop and you want to punish her....my son did this in the a shop before xmas and you get so upset with their behaviour but I think you should call her down for dinner and then once she's eaten send her straight back up to her room without priveliges.

I dont think your main intention is to starve her or use food as a weapon but rather that you want to be seen to be going through with the punishment and that you think you would be relenting if you let her come down for dinner but it is important that children that age eat regularly

BettySuarez · 09/01/2012 17:36

Don't withold food but take up meal on a tray (no treats or puddings) just dinner and water.

Remind her again why this is happening (very unacceptable behaviour etc) and how sad and angry you are that you experience that.

When dad gets in let him know what has happened and ensure he backs you up. I think he should still go up and see her but it is vital that you are both consistent in your approach. He should also reinforce message about poor behaviour etc

I would be inclined to also leave out bath time and bedtime story but leave her with plenty of books etc

Tuck her in at normal bedtime and discuss ways in which tomorrow will be better and a fresh start.

She is only five and is probably overwhelmed by the whole thing herself so you need to give her a way out - by this I mean a strategy for making sure it doesn't happen rather then forgiveness fir what she did.

Remember that you should only label the behaviour and not the child

Good luck, you have my sympathy x (but not if you withold food etc!)

littleducks · 09/01/2012 17:36

I dont think that what you have done is as awful as some posters seem to think.

I think you need to consider lots of factors, has she eaten much today, if she has had a big school dinner/packed lunch makes a difference...whether she will go to sleep or be unsettled and hungry. You know her best.

I know if dd, who is prone to spiralling out of control when over overtired, acted like this and I sent her to bed then she would be asleep within ten minutes and would not be interested in food till breakfast. DS wouldnt be able to go that lng without food, he'd wake up at 4am and it would ruin the next day too.

Maybe plate up some non-dinner food, that she wont see as a treat, and give it to her on a tray, no discussion, no attention, she can eat it or leave it.

justonemorejingle · 09/01/2012 17:37

Bear in mind that an hour in a bedroom to an adult doesn't seem that long, to a child it's an unbearably long time. I think you can still be strict without taking food away, food is a basic need, not a privilege.

perceptionreality · 09/01/2012 17:37

If the kicking etc was out of character then I think you should try to find out if anything has happened today at school that might have triggered it...

LaurieFairyCake · 09/01/2012 17:37

Just seen your latest post - maybe something really angered her at school and she's projecting. Definitely encourage her to punch her pillows.

thrifty · 09/01/2012 17:37

Not being funny, but maybe the bad behaviour was compounded by the fact she was hungry in the shop. Ds behaves appalingly if hungry, but doesn't recognise it as being hungry iyswim. You say 'just got back' in your op, that implies that its after 5pm and you dd has been at school all day? and not had her tea already? Anyway, yanbu to send her to her room, but yabu to withold her dinner.

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