Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for saying that I believe "most" women aren't that interested in porn and for getting upset when DH tries to prove me wrong

113 replies

idiotwind · 04/01/2012 19:58

DH and I have been having this "debate" for a little while and I have to admit it makes me feel a bit under pressure to conform to his ideal - ie that most women do watch porn. This evening, I happen to have deleted the history on the computer purely because it was getting busy and he joked that I had been looking at porn. Which I wasn't. I don't really have any interest in it and, though have done very rarely in the past, it's not something I really enjoy. If anything I find it degrading to the women involved. When I stated this, my view, once again to DH he started looking online and printed out an article which vaguely implied that 40% of porn is downloaded by women and left it by the cooker. I said well that still doesn't mean "most" women.
I feel upset that he's tried to discredit my view and make me feel like there is something wrong with me for not being into it. He says, I quote "you are not all women so you can't speak for all women". He also says my reaction, ie getting upset by him doing/saying this is just hormones. I'm pg, 1st trimester. Which I again, feel like a devaluation of my feelings. But AIBU? Is it just hormones? Do most women in fact watch porn?
PS I'm a regular but have namechanged for obvious reasons Wink

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2012 20:22

Yeah, because when men don't serviced by a woman, their balls get very irritable by gigantic proportions and make them say and do stupid things

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2012 20:22

in other words, it's not his fault at all, it's yours (of course)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2012 20:24

My DH loves Pride and Prejudice

We like to "take a turn around the ballroom" just like they do

Original poster
idiotwind · 06/01/2012 19:51

As I've been quite enlightened by the responses on here I thought I would return to update with the latest saga.
As a bit of background I'll first say that due to my history I am very anxious about this pregnancy. I wont go into it but lets just say its not neurosis but a genuine concern that something could go wrong. Also as background, we're going to be visiting DH's family in his home country in a few weeks time.

Anyway I was talking to DH on his return from work about how I'd been speaking to the midwife but unfortunately she's not able to offer me another scan earlier than my 11/12 wk nuchal scan in a few weeks. DH suggests that, when we go to visit his family, we go to a hospital there where they will give me a "head to toe" check-up.
Now, my initial reaction to this was one of dread - I find DH's home country quite a scary, intimidating place and I don't especially agree with the way they appear to over-prescribe medicines. It might be judgmental of me but that's how I feel.
So I say to DH, fully aware that this could irritate him but unable to keep quiet about something so important, "I don't think I would be comfortable with that" to which he, quite fairly, asks "why?"
Not wanting to openly criticise his nation I say that "it would feel a bit unfamiliar and not unlike going to a hospital when you're on holiday somewhere" (never a pleasant experience imo). He takes huge offence to this says I'm being ridiculous, I say that's fine if he feels like that but I can't help but feel uncomfortable.
He goes on to say "so you'd rather go to a derrogatory term for a member of the human race that would reveal his nationality and possibly out me hospital?"
And I say "well, yes as this is my home and I actually think the NHS have been pretty damm good when I've needed any treatment in the past. This is how I feel and you can't bully me into feeling any different"
And then he says "what about how I feel, does that not matter?"
And I say, though I do kind of know I shouldn't have, "no, not in this instance as it is me who would have to go to said hospital and be probed around"
He just says "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you" and i leave the room choked up and with my heart beating double-time.

He's gone out for a drink now.

What do you make of this?

Might get this thread moved to relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
idiotwind · 06/01/2012 19:55

Oh and by the way. When I said he's not getting any I'm talking a week / week and a half and that's only because I feel anxious about the pregnancy. Personally would rather not do it at all although i feel that would be unfair to him. So really it's not an excuse for arseyness. If it had been months then I might understand him being a bit edgy.

OP posts:
charitygirl · 06/01/2012 20:02

God, OP, your last post makes my heart race. How horrible for you. Really not acceptable, and such a totally disproportionate response. What an arsehole.

thunderboltsandlightning · 06/01/2012 20:11

He's a bully and he's bullying you. That's what I make of it.

tigermoll · 06/01/2012 20:12

And then he says "what about how I feel, does that not matter?"
And I say, though I do kind of know I shouldn't have, "no, not in this instance as it is me who would have to go to said hospital and be probed around"

In this instance, I think you were entirely justified in giving more weight to your own feelings than to his.

As you say, YOU are the one undergoing this medical procedure. YOU are the one who is made to feel uncomfortable and intimidated by it. It is not being judgmental/racist/derogatory to feel uneasy about medical procedures in some other countries, - you seem to have had some experience of this one, from what you say.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2012 20:14

OP, I want to come to your house and remove you from that situation

I actually cannot post in any more detail just now

Give me a few minutes while I make myself calm down

AnyFucker · 06/01/2012 20:22

Ok

firstly, I fucking hate your husband

now, during my 4 pg's, only 2 of which went to fullterm and resulted in a healthy baby, I did not have penetrative sex

not once

and then not for about 12 weeks after

so that makes it about a year each for the full term ones, plus the others

my DH did not complain, make me feel bad

I did not feel guilty, I felt I was totally fair and did not have one thought about how it may impact on him sexually

my, and his, first and only concern was for me to have no worries in my pregnancy

I wanted to tell you that, as a reminder of how a decent bloke should want to support you

do you know what this man reminds me of ? One of those base blokes who insist on marking their territory within days of a woman giving birth. I can see that in my crystal ball for you.

I am utterly shocked at this man's mindset. I think it is one of the worst examples I hav ever seen on here.

diddl · 06/01/2012 20:35

He sounds absolutely awful.

TBH being sworn at like that would be enough for me.

It´s understandable that he doesn´t want medical services in his country slighted, & perhaps initially thought that he was reassuring by saying that you could be "checked over" before your next scan.

But if you don´t want it, you don´t & that´s the end of the matter & certainly not a reason to swear at you.

And as for a week and a half without sex...

solidgoldbrass · 06/01/2012 20:45

He's definitely a bully. Remember that you matter, that you are entitled to your own opinions and in the case of you being concerned about your pregnancy, it's your body so of course your opinions are more important than his.
Unfortunately a lot of unpleasant men only really show how abusive and sexist they are during the first pregnancy or after the arrival of the first baby. This is because, up until then, the woman has been able to ignore or minimize how selfish these men are, how they consider women to be less important than them, less intelligent, less human. The woman's been giving into the man, letting him have his own way and telling herself that it's no big deal if it makes him happy. Then, when she's PG or looking after a newborn, suddenly she's less prepared to defer to and obey and placate the man all the time, and he promptly starts acting up and trying to 'put her in her place'.

It's not fixable, OP. Men like this are scum. They won't ever accept that a woman is a person and that they have to share and take turns and sometimes even put her needs and wishes and wellbeing above their own.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2012 20:46

...and for him making you think it wasn't "fair on him"

there are no words

AnyFucker · 06/01/2012 20:47

I wish we could stage an "intervention" and get you out of there

it would be wholly justified

smallwhitecat · 06/01/2012 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
idiotwind · 06/01/2012 21:03

Hmm, its not that simple. We already have children together. He's their hero. And lost a baby last year. I haven't been back to work since (I was already on maternity leave).

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/01/2012 21:14

Of course it's not simple, who said it was ?

He can be a good dad away from you

He will be obliged to support you and his existing dc

In any examination of who should live where, as you are the main carer of the dc, he will be forced to leave whilst you stay where you are

swc, I do know people who, with one phone call, can do this

I have been quite tempted in the past

sometimes, it's the only thing they understand

I abhor violence though, so have not gone there

HipHopOpotomus · 06/01/2012 21:24

I have no interest in it. Neither does DP thankfully. Your H needs to know its how YOU feel about it that matters.

solidgoldbrass · 06/01/2012 21:26

IW: how is he with your existing DC if they disagree with him? Or are they not old enough to do so yet?

dreamingbohemian · 06/01/2012 21:30

So are your children hearing their dad say 'fuck you, fuck you, fuck you' to their mum?

Having DC makes it more complicated to leave but actually even more imperative that you do so. Otherwise they will grow up thinking this is how you (and all women) should be treated.

Obviously you have to be very careful, he sounds a bully and you don't want to endanger yourself. But I'm absolutely floored that you would put up with this.

Oh and like AF, my poor DH had to go without for aaaaages as I was horribly ill throughout pregnancy and then had a section. Was totally understanding and supportive and not arsey at all. So it's really not any kind of excuse for behaving like a twat.

Please seek some advice and be very careful.

Original poster
idiotwind · 06/01/2012 21:44

No, they didn't hear. They were upstairs and we were in the kitchen with the door closed. Although they have heard arguments in the past. I'm probably just as much at fault but sometimes he just winds me up so much I get so frustrated. I have mentioned before that I don't want them hearing him speaking to me the way he does but he doesn't seem to think its a big deal.

OP posts:
Original poster
idiotwind · 06/01/2012 21:46

AF I appreciate the offer but really, I don't think it will be necessary Smile

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/01/2012 21:49

it wasn't a serious offer, but I do think it may be the only thing your H may understand, unfortunately Sad

if he doesn't "get" your worries about your body and your pregnacy, he has no empathy at all

dreamingbohemian · 06/01/2012 21:54

You are NOT just as much at fault

And of course it's a big deal

Are you worried he might treat them the same way when they're older and disagreeing with him?

Original poster
idiotwind · 06/01/2012 21:55

All I want really is to get through to him because, and I know you'll think me a fool, he can be amazing. Its just that sometimes he behaves hideously. Sometimes I wonder if he's ill - like bi-polar or some form of depression. He says that he "mirrors" me (trying to shirk responsibility I know) but if I'm in a bad mood, withdrawn or unaffectionate, which I guess I have been recently he gets so insecure and then every little thing is taken as a slight. He doesn't mistrust me, it's more like he's not getting any attention so he acts up. Like a child. He is slightly narcissistic. I have suggested this to him before but he turned it round and managed to make out that I was also narcissistic so it was a losing battle.
I think if he realises that civilised people don't act this way then he'll change. He has changed a lot already. He used to be worse!
The trouble is a lot of the way he acts is part of his culture - it seems to me anyway - the harshness and arrogance.

OP posts: